Musings of an Empress

The Exquisite Pain of Healing

2007-09-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

In order for healing to occur, there must be a certain amount of pain. I am well on my way to healing...one painful step at a time. I feel freer and more like myself than I have in a long while.

The artwork above is the work of Leslie. It meant the world to me that he was the one to help me heal my way. I am truly becoming "one from none"

So Much For My Happy Ending

2007-08-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

“All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending”

That’s how I feel these days. I guess now is the time to explain myself a little more clearly. Since the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in, I think my thoughts are finally clear enough to express myself.

I found out on Tuesday that Adrian and I are no longer together. I took a friend of mine to the tattoo shop where Adrian’s roommate, (my good friend) Leslie works. Leslie is an old soul…sometimes I think he’s older than I am. Anyway, I took him a piece of art to draw for me and we were sitting around talking about life and just catching up. I made a couple of comments regarding Adrian and I and I could tell that Leslie had something he wanted to say, but he was holding back.
Leslie isn’t a man who likes to be pushed…that works out well since I don’t like to push people…anyway, I just ignored the little pause there and we moved on to other subjects.

About 15 minutes later, Adrian walked into the shop with a girl. He said nothing to me…no recognition of any sort, actually…except his eyes. The first look was a “deer in the headlights” terror…quickly replaced by the coldest look I have ever seen in his eyes. I believe that one was meant to say, “Don’t make a scene…just don’t fucking say a word” though it could have just as easily doubled for “you’re the biggest whore in the world”. Either way, to say that I felt like I had bee run over by a freight train would be an understatement. I didn’t have any words to make a scene even if I’d wanted to.

I still didn’t know what was going on. They got what they needed and left again…a quick goodbye to Leslie and then they were gone again. If you hadn’t seen Adrian’s eyes, you would have never guessed that we knew each other at all…let alone that we had been in a serious relationship for over a year.

Right after they left, I realized that in all the drama inside my head, I had let the parking meter run out. A parking ticket was NOT something I needed on top of it all. Anyway, by the time I got back from the car, Leslie had already brought his cigarettes outside onto the shop’s porch to smoke and I sat down next to him.

He put his arm around me and waited…after a minute I just looked at him and said, “So that’s how it is, huh?”

Then, with the most bitter tone I’ve ever heard out of Leslie (and that’s saying something since I sat through his divorce with him), “Yeah Audrey, apparently that’s how it is and it’s fucked up.”

Leslie told me that he didn’t know Adrian and I were still together. He’s always worked really hard to stay out of our relationship…and honestly, he’s done a damn good job of being Switzerland. But he assumed that when Adrian brought her home that he and I were through. Leslie also told me that it hadn’t been going on for that long (I think I know how long but it’s immaterial) but that Adrian seems to think it’s serious.

I laughed at that, “how serious can it be? Just a month ago he and I were going to buy a vehicle together.”

Leslie talked to me for quite a while and he let me cry, he let me yell, he let me be hurt and angry and confused. I suppose if this had to happen the way it did, there is no one else who could have been there for me quite the way Leslie was. I am truly thankful for him. Leslie has always told me that he informed Adrian upon meeting me; that no matter what happened in the future, Leslie would win me in the custody battle and Adrian would just have to deal with that. I can’t express what that means to me now.

The thing that hurts the most is that Adrian didn’t have the courage to tell me himself that he wanted out. It’s the only thing I ever asked of him…if he wanted to be done, do me the courtesy of telling me…don’t make me find out from someone else…and he couldn’t even do that. I’ve got to say, I never thought I would get to the point where I could utter the sentence: “At least Clark sent me a damn text message.”

Right now, I feel like a person who lost a limb to a train. See, when you lose a limb in a train accident, the trauma is so fast, so decisive, so forceful…there is no bleeding. The trauma cauterizes the wound instantly. You still have immense pain from the trauma, but the wound isn’t open. That’s how my heart feels. Adrian ended our relationship so coldly, so definitively…my soul is cauterized already. I am still devastated…but there isn’t much else there. I don’t even have a ton of anger even though I have every right to be angry.

I don’t even hate him. I hate what he did to me…but I don’t hate him. TO hate him would mean that I hate a part of myself…and I won’t do that. I accept all of me and I don’t regret any of the choices I made with him. I wouldn’t undo any of the last year.

PS: Anyone ever notice how much she looks like Rosanna Arquette??

Devastation...total and complete

2007-08-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

This is the poem that has been at the forefront of my mind for the last couple weeks. Written by the brilliant Henry Rollins from the book, One From None:

I am weak
Looking to get stronger
When I open my eyes all the way
It's all there is for me
Kindness is strength
It's easier to close a door, than to keep it open
Hatred is easy
Frustration is life on pause
These are truths that are hard for me to deal with
I learned a lot this year
I think I am stronger than last year
Self-creation is painful
Trying to take my parent's blood out of mine
Trying to stand on my own two feet
Without leaning on someone else
Looking to myself for total strength
To be
One
From
None

I'm not going into details on here but Adrian and I are over. But I will get stronger again and I will become all I am supposed to be. For now though, the shock is still sinking in and the pain is more than just fresh.

Pink Rocks

2007-07-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

Each Day More

2007-07-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes even a slight return to normalcy can be enough to keep you off a ledge. That's kinda the way I feel today. I'm exhausted and my body is screaming at me; and yet, I'm happier than I have been in weeks.

I actually feel like there is some hope. Last month I had a few horrible experiences with a physical therapist who turned out to only be a "physical therapy license applicant" who not only had no idea what she was doing but couldn't even speak enough english to understand my needs. She ended up damaging my spinal cord again. The muscle seizures have started back up again and I am on more Baclofen than I would like.

There is good news here too though; I now have a new physical therapist. He has a private practice and he's awesome. I'm already seeing small improvements and he seems to really understand my health issues.

On that note, I've also been reading and researching a lot about Transverse Myelitis. There isn't a ton of research out there and only one research center exists in this country. Johns Hopkins has a center in Baltimore that is making great strides. All I know is that if I get sick again like I was in February, I'm going to Baltimore.
If you're interested, information can be found here: Transverse Myelitis or here: Johns Hopkins

gettin' up again

2007-07-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

The last 48 hours have been one drama after another. I swear I thought the sky was falling yesterday. From work to family to life to emotions...everything seemed out of place and I felt like with the karma I had I must have bombed an orphanage in my past life.

I had a meeting in the morning that was supposed to be nothing more than "crossing the t's and dotting the i's" but it turned into a cluster of epic proportions. As of this afternoon, 90% of the drama is resolved...thanks to the world's best caterer and a fantastic six year old.

In the afternoon yesterday, Adrian and I went to look at bikes of the motorcycle variety. Adrian has wanted a bike for a long time and he and I have had all the talks and after everything, I am behind his decision completely. That's huge for me...most of you know how I feel about bikes in general. Anyway, we went to this place where supposedly his friend had hooked him up...not so much. These people were shady. We picked out the bike, "It's not a Nighthawk or a Nemisis...it's a NINJA...black...like my mood" we wanted and got to the part where they run my credit. The salesguy leaves for about 15 minutes and when he comes back he has a copy of my credit report. The conversation goes something like this:
Salesguy: you have really good credit.
Me: I know.
Salesguy: You qualify for all the promotional offers.
Me: I figured I would
Salesguy: You don't qualify for a loan.
Me: Que? What? How's that?
Salesguy: Two of your credit cards are near their limits.
Me: Are they maxed out? Are they in arrears?
Salesguy: Well, no.
Me: Are they in good standing?
Salesguy: Well, yeah.
Me: Then explain to me how I qualify for the promos, I have excellent credit and I can't get a loan.
Salesguy: well...um...you haven't had credit for that long.
Me: I'm 26, i have a good job and 7 years of excellent credit...that's unheard of. I can't be any older than I am.
Salesguy: well...you could get a co-signer
Me: Um, in case you missed it: I AM THE CO-SIGNER!!
Salesguy: well you could come back with someone else
Adrian: Uh no. We're out. Thanks for being shady. Babe there are other bikes in this town.

OY!! And Adrian was so disappointed too...that sucked!!! Grr. And I haven't even started to go into the actual drama of the last two days...perhaps when there is some resolution...

"I'm not dead"

2007-07-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

It's kinda how I've felt the last couple months. It's been about survival and I'm tired of just surviving. It's time to start thriving again. One little step at a time. My health may or may not improve any further...I'm not sure I care about that part anymore. I have learned to get by and still be me. Besides, that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Is it the Marines that say, "Pain is just fear leaving the body?" Yeah, I like that...I think I will hang on to that for a while.

Everywhere that I go
There’s someone waitin to chain me
Everything that I say
There’s someone tryin to shortchange me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I’m not gonna break

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck You can hang me like slave I'll go underground
You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down ~~P!nk "18 Wheeler"

I'm done with holding back all the things I want to say and all the things I want to accomplish just because it might make other people uncomfortable or insecure. I am working my ass off, day in and day out, through incredible pain sometimes and it's an accomplishment...and definitely something I should be proud of. I'm learning that I don't have to apologize for being good at something. Adrian helped me to remember that I don't have to apologize for being smart or for educating myself. Now I just have to come to terms with workplace success. I am my own worst critic...I always have been. I have always held myself to higher standards than anyone else. Now it's time for me to stop standing in my own way. I'm proud of the things I've done in the last year.

The pain and heartache of a year ago is over. I have put it behind me...I have broken free of those demons and now I can move forward. I think it's about time to get that tattoo to commemorate it all...

Rest for the Weary

2007-05-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone survived "Drinko de Mayo" intact. I didn't actually celebrate anything this year; I just laid low and it was kinda nice. It's the first time I haven't had to tend bar on the fifth in several years.

It's nice to be back in the swing of things at work, but as I am taking on more responsiblity again, I am back to working on the weekends. It's beautiful outside today; I'm at my friend and coworker's house (staying with her son for a few days so she could attend a training) and I am working. Well, obviously at this minute I'm not working...but I have been and I will be again in a moment. I'm trying to prepare for the Pandemic Influenza TableTop Exercise that I'm putting on for the Department of Corrections.

My "Train the Trainer" project came together really nicely and consequently, I was tapped to create the whole Pandemic Influenza presentation. I'm trying now to cut down the 200 PowerPoint slides to a reasonable number...death by PowerPoint is just not acceptable. Certainly, not the most exciting of tasks, but I'd like to have it done before tomorrow.

My whole day will be shot in different meetings. One day I really will disavow all knowledge of the rare and mysterious gift called typing...but until then...it's nice to feel like one part of my life is normal.

Ok, so for something fun...here's something I am totally digging right now: Shano has a new product and these are awesome!!! I love 'em!!

Ok, back to work I go. Hope the hangovers aren't too bad today.

The Full Moon and an Extra Helping of Crazy

2007-05-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

I never intend for so much time to pass between posts. It's not as though I have writer's block...or that I am so insanely busy that I don't have even thirty seconds to hammer out a quick post. It's really more a matter of slowing my mind down long enough to write coherently.

So I guess I should start from the top.

Recovery: I have regained sensation throughout my body and the nerves in my spinal cord are working overtime to repair themselves. Along with the regeneration of nerve and synapses connections, I am also having severe muscle spasms in my upper body. I have been assured that, while not exactly normal, these spasms are quite common with the type of spinal cord trauma I sustained. I have muscle relaxers targeted specifically to these types of spasms and I am generally better than I was a month ago.
Work: I am back almost full-time in the office. (As a side note, I was finally able to sublet a parking spot from a coworker and now I only pay $200 a month instead of $400!!) I have been busy with more projects than I can count, but I have also had to opportunity to work with a couple of truly fabulous people whom I love dearly. The last week has been spent developing a "Train the Trainer" briefing for the Training and Exercise Planning Workshops our office is responsible for teaching to the agencies we work for. It's been a definite learning experience and I'm hoping that my work now will reflect positively in the future when I apply for an Exercise Coordinator position.
Love: Adrian and I are doing much, much better than we were a few months back. Adrian is almost back to himself and he and I are happy together. In the recent weeks, he has been all the things I need him to be,and it's started to restore the faith that I have been so lacking when it comes to believing the men I love will be there when I need them.
Life: I don't have much of one, socially at least, these days. My life seems to be consumed with work and surviving...and sometimes Adrian. So, I decided that my birthday a couple weeks ago would be the perfect time to have a little fun. I don't usually celebrate my birthday in any big or meaningful way...and after this year's debacle...I remember why. It was beyond a comedy of errors...beyond an exercise in Murphy's Law...it was straight into a disaster of Biblical proportions. I don't want to rehash it all, but suffice to say that half the people I care about bailed on me at the last minute or made my life so difficult that weekend that I wished they had bailed. Actually, of my friends in this area...I think Jean, Grace and Adrian are the only ones I am still on good terms with. Birthdays are completely overrated. I remember that now. Maybe if the birthday was that bad, the year will be really good. I have hope that is the case or I would give up now.

On to the crazy part...I know it's a full moon and I know that my life has been a bit out of wack lately, but I think I had an extra helping of crazy today. I woke up fuzzy-headed and by the end of the evening tonight I found myself wanting to crash my car into anything and everything. I didn't hit anything or anyone, so ya'll can relax...I just wanted to is all. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...maybe I will feel more human again...one can only hope.

For MOH

2007-04-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

Today is My Other Half's birthday. So first off, Happy Birthday, MOH!!!

I am so blessed to have this lady as my other half (I think Rollins must have known her well in other life because: I could never pound words into lines to match the velocity of your presence); she is such an amazing woman and it is my ferverent hope that this year she will finally begin to receive all of the good things she so richly deserves. I think this is going to be a big year for MOH. It seems to me that pieces are falling into place exactly as they are supposed to and I expect that great things will happen in the near future.

So, without a lot of fanfare: Here's to you, MOH! Happy Birthday!! May you have all the love and light possible both now and through the ages.

Project Reports and PowerPoint Rangers

2007-04-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

So it would seem that life around here is getting back to normal...well as normal as it can for the time being. I am settling back into a work routine and while I come home utterly exhausted everyday, I am working full-time again. They are still being careful with me so as not to cause a relapse of any kind, but all in all I am keeping up. The giant AAR project which has been the bane of my professional life since December should be off my desk and on the Director's desk by Tuesday, at the latest. That means all 650+ pages should be available to the Governor by the end of the month. It's six weeks late; but I hear that's right on schedule for government work.

There is some sadness around the office though. One of my coworkers, a guy I truly admire and respect is no longer in our office. He was offered a matchless opportunity to further not only his military career, but allow him some additional professional growth. I am really excited for him. At the same time, I'm a little sad for myself. He's one of the people I look up to the most, I have learned so much from him and his intergrity and presence are both things I have tried to emulate.

He gave me his cubicle when he left. It puts me next to one of his closest friends (Captain E) and another of the guys who has shown me the ropes and helped me become a better all around human being. I'm so sad to have lost my "PowerPoint Ranger" as I called him. I wasn't ready to be done learning from him. I certainly wasn't ready to lose his daily sarcasm and wit...he made work a fun place to be. And the man is definitely skilled at fucking with people's heads...always a good show.

The funny thing is, I always knew he was fantastic and a good teacher; I even knew he was a great writer...what I didn't know until I was cleaning out his desk for him (he's a pretty humble guy even with the attitude) is that the whole world had the opportunity to see how talented he is.

I present to you, as just one further example of the phenomenal caliber of people I work with, my very own: PowerPoint Ranger

Commence Cartwheels

2007-03-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

If only I could currently do a cartwheel, I would be turning them one after another today. I finally emailed the completed After Action document to my boss for his review. Once he ok's the document, then I can print and bind it for the "third floor" review. (Read: upper eschalon perusal)Yes, there are still the handful of agencies who haven't submitted their data; but at this point, it is no longer my concern...holding the report up is at my boss' discretion or at least at a pay grade higher than my own.

Anyway, after months of 80 hour work weeks and heartache and stress and nearly killing my body; I am finally done with the writing and editing of what is, at this point, a 578 page document.

On to the sad news: two of my favorite people in the office have confirmed that they are leaving very shortly. One will be returning to his sponsoring agency at the end of his contract at the end of June. (I don't know why he would want to go back to fighting fire on a daily basis when he could sit at a desk next to me) ;-) The other, my Ranger buddy, may be leaving us as early as Friday if the new job comes through. I am really happy for him as this is a good promotion, and a job he was specifically requested for; but I am much saddened for myself and for the office. There was so much more I had hoped to learn from him.

These two are the most dear to me of the soon to be departed from the office; but that count actually sits at closer to five or six when it's said and done. That means a lot of reorganizing; retraining, personnel shuffling, and possibly: open exercise planner positions. One (at least) of said positions would have to be filled within the ORISE team...I have at least two manager-level people backing my name for a Planner promotion. It's too soon to even cross my fingers; but I am starting to (just a little bit) hope against hope that maybe I have a shot at my dream job.

Even if I don't make Planner this year, Chief W has started setting up Workshops and TableTop Exercises to be led by another Executive Assistant and myself; attempts he calls, to groom his "secret weapons" for the turnover that is sure to happen in the next 18 months. Either way, I am learning and absorbing as fast as I can.

In other news, I was cleared today, by the rheumatologist, to go back to work full-time; provided I work from home when possible and I promise not to over-do things at work. As for my health, I seem to be responding to the medications for the Lupus and my migraines and it appears that the constant reverberations in my spinal cord are the nerves regenerating and repairing themselves. This is a very good thing though quite uncomfortable and I can, I've been told, expect these sensations to continue for at least six months. "You know, nerves don't just heal overnight." I get tired very easily and while that is annoying to me; I am very appreciative that I have most all of the feeling back in my body. My hands are returning to normal as well. My typing is still slower and more mistake prone than it used to be; but I have confidence that all will right itself with time.

Thanks again for all the patience, kind words, thoughts, prayers and encouragement over the last few months. You are all wonderful and I am blessed.

Strength

2007-03-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

This is from MOH:

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Rather fitting, no? Not the first time this card has been drawn for me...

Each Day, A Little More

2007-03-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

I am regaining strength, mobility and energy each day. I have some sensation returning to my legs and torso and I am convinced that it won't be long now until I have my hands back to normal. I still have quite a bit of pain in my hands, and the constant reverberations in my spine are unpleasant at best; but I am worlds better than I was two weeks ago. So, I am thankful.

I had an appointment with the rhuematologist on Wednesday. She has determined (Drumroll please) that I have: Lupus.

Anyone surprised? Anyone? At least this is a formal diagnosis and allows me to begin treatments. I also know know the extent of my lupus. It's not advanced enough to be classified systemic. (That's a good thing) and so far, only my joints and Neurological systems seem to be involved. I'm starting on a medication called Plaquenil which is supposed to have a high success rate for treating Lupus and a low rate of side-effects.

Anyway, the rhuematologist says that even with all the tests they've done, they still can't say what caused the initial inflammation in my spine. THey do know that once the inflammation occurred, it caused the lesion that was already present between my C4 and C5 vertabrea to exert pressure and cause transverse myelitis in my spine...hence the loss of sensation. (In my head it was funnier to say cessation of sensation...but I refrained from too much Dr. Suess)

I am also cleared to go back to work part-time starting on Monday!! I can't work more than three full days in a week, but that's okay. I will take what I can get right now. I can't wait to get back there. No more sitting around on the couch!! WooHoo!!

So, now ya'll know as much as I do, which granted isn't that much at all. Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers and encouragement.

Into Recovery mode

2007-03-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

First off, thank you for the thoughts, prayers and encouragement. The last month has been a very trying time, to say the least, and I deeply appreciate you all.

This post is going to be pretty short on details as it's still painful to type. I will attempt to give an update though.

I have been through an extensive battery of tests during the last two weeks and here is what we know: virtually nothing. I still have much lowered sensation in my entire body from my shoulders down. My hands are in constant pain as though every nerve is raw.

Last Friday, I had a spinal tap...the procedure went well (as well as they can) but because of the enormous amount of inflammation in my spine; the tap refused to heal, leaving me with a spinal tap headache that prevented me from sitting upright more than 15 minutes at a time. To stop the spinal fluid from continuing to leak, the neurologist ordered a procedure called an epidural blood patch. It's a difficult procedure but one with an incredibly high success rate.

It was horrendous. No, horrendous doesn't begin to describe the pain actually...the anesthesiologist didn't wait for the anesthetic to set in before he jammed the lumbar puncture into my spine. I actually felt each nerve bundle he hit before Grace (who was right by my side) realized how much pain I was in and told the doctor to wait. I wasn't even able to speak. By the time it was over, my whole body was convulsing in pain.

The agony was apparently worth it as the blood patch was ultimately a success and I can once again stand and sit for more that a few minutes at a time. There is still quite a bit of trauma to my spine (both from the inflammation and from the two procedures) but the muscles and nerves are healing.

With this step behind me, the massive doses of steroids being pumped into my body are finally beginning to take effect. I have a little more mobility, control and feeling in my toes and sensation is starting to return to my ankle and knee joints.

The steroids are causing their own issues in my body, but one step at a time. If they can just get some feeling back into my hands, I can at least return to work. I am so not couch potato material.

I have an appointment on Wednesday to consult with both my neurologist and a rheumetologist and hopefully they will have some ideas. The test results so far have been as confusing as they have been inconclusive. At this point, I am negative for meningitis and multiple sclerosis, brain tumors or additional lesions in my cervical spine. They are once again suspecting systemic lupus; but the results have been conflicting and it still doesn't fully explain the transverse myelitis.

Again, thank you all for your support. I love you all deeply.

MOH, you definitely rock the casbah. L&L

Audrey Update Part II

2007-02-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

Audrey has been undergoing more tests throughout the week. The doctors still don't know very much, but it seem to be more of a process of elimination than anything else. And they are certainly doing that.

This is the latest update from Audrey, as of about 7PM this evening:

The spinal tap has exhausted me and I feel nauseated but very little headache. It was scary but not as bad as it could have been.

The initial test results ruled out infection and viruses but not any of the other diseases or illnesses. That will take several days to culture.

Regardless of those results, I start IV steroid therapy tomorrow. I will have high doses for 5 days in a row. That should reduce the inflammation in my spine. Hopefully that will bring back feeling to my extremities.

So, we know a little more than yesterday and hopefully as the weekend goes on, the steroids will do their job and Audrey will start feeling a little better. Even if there is no diagnosis, I'm sure just feeling more in control of her limbs would be a very welcome thing.

Please continue to keep Audrey in your thoughts and prayers. I know she appreciates your concern for her while she is incapacitated.

~~Joan

An Audrey Update

2007-02-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

For all of you who have emailed, called, or wondered about Audrey's absence here, I'm going to try and fill in a few of the blanks for you.

Audrey has been experiencing numbness from the waist down for the last two weeks. It began as just an irritation, but over the weekend it progressed into something more serious when the numbness proceeded up her torso and arms as well.

The past two days, Audrey has been subjected to numerous and varied tests by her neurologist, including a spinal tap, to MRI's, to electro-shock. As I write this, she is undergoing a brain scan. And as such, she has been worn out to the point of exhaustion. However, she asked me to post and let everyone know what is going on as she is having difficulty returning calls and emails at this time.

So, I am just going to copy and paste part of the email she managed to type out for her coworkers:

"I have extreme numbness and decreased sensation in my entire bodyfrom my rib cage down and including my hands and arms up to theshoulders. Because of the numbness in my hands, my fine motor skillsand grip strength are severely lacking. Everything takes a lot ofconcentration to force my muscles to work properly. Yesterday, theneurologist ran a battery of tests including lab work, electro-shockand an MRI.

The MRI found that there is a solitary 6-7mm lesion in the whitematter of my spinal cord between the C4 and C5 vertebrae. It's not alarge lesion, but apparently they believe it to be rather deep. I havea brain scan scheduled for 1:45 today to find the extent of thelesion and hopefully to determine that it is benign. We don't know anydetails about the lesion itself, as of yet."

I've been in constant contact with Audrey during this process (and for those of you who know the both of us, you're probably laughing right now as the constant contact thing is a bit of an understatement), and she is doing well. Her spirits are high and she is remaining optimistic that the tests today will reveal the cause of the lesion and that it will prove to be something that is easily cured.

I'll keep all of you posted as to her condition as I receive more information from Audrey. Please understand that because of the difficulty she's having with her fine motor skills, it might be a few days or so before you hear from her personally. Until then, feel free to contact me by email or through my blog if there is anything with which I can be of assistance.

Audrey wanted to thank all of you for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers and ask that you continue to do so.

Joan (Also Known As...MOH)

quick update

2007-02-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

I am just back from a whirlwind trip of meetings in Anaheim and San Jose. I still have 200+ pages of editing to do in the next couple days. I am beyond stressed out; though I have apreciated the notes I've gotten reminding me to hang in there. I love you guys!!!

Besides you wonderful people, there has been a couple things that have made this week bearable: Adrian and I are doing much better and life is starting to get back to normal for the two of us.

And, in other news...just as fantastic but different...I finally got some of my favorite pieces of art for my very own.

My favorite contemporary painter, the wonderfully talented Shano had a sale. And this, is what I walked away with:

and one of my all-time favorites:

I already have their new homes picked out. :-)

Here's to Business Trips

2007-01-29T22:04:00.000-08:00

I survived Long Beach in one piece, and I actually can't wait to go back in a couple weeks. We have a three day conference next month and my boss (the one I like) and I are flying in early to take a road trip to Mexico before we have to work. We figure if we have to travel all over...we might as well travel all over. I'm so excited; it's been forever since I've been to Mexico.

I'm still completely swamped with the After Action Report and we are hoping to have a draft version completed by February 1st. We'll see how that goes. It's over 400 pages right now and there are still several sections left to analyze.

While we were in Long Beach last week, I sat around with a bunch of the guys from my office and several drinks. As usual, after a while the conversation turned to work and all of the great things we are trying to accomplish in the Exercise Planning this year. Out of nowhere, one of the guys, the one in charge of Large Stadium Initiatives, asked me if I want to be an Exercise Planner. The conversation went something like this:

Captain E: Audrey, have you thought about being an exercise planner?
Me: well, of course, I think it's something I would want to do.
Captain E: I'm serious about this, would you want to be an exercise planner?
Me: Well yeah, I would someday.
Captain E: How about next year? How about it Chief? I told you Audrey would be interested. And hell, I'd work with her to make it happen.
Chief W: Audrey, I think you would make a damn good exercise planner and if I get my way then you will certainly have learned by osmosis by the time this year is over.
Captain E: Hell, I'd be her assistant if that's what it takes.
Chief W: Well, then it's settled. Let's see if we can't get everything lined up this year and get Audrey a planning gig for 2008. Do you want Tahoe or Los Angeles?
Me: How about San Diego?
Captain E and Chief: We'll work on it!!

I may love this place after all!! I may actually, after all the drama, have a shot at a real career...here's to hoping. I know it's all talk at this point, but it was really nice to have two men I really respect say flat out that they think I could go this job. Did I mention that it would be a seven pay grade jump?

And For My Next Trick

2007-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

The travel for my job now begins in earnest. from now until the first week of March I will be traveling between two and four days a week, all over the great state of Kahlifornea. I leave tonight for Long Beach. This week it's a Mass Transit Security Seminar. I have decided that from here on out I will disavow all knowledge of the rare and mysterious gift called typing. My scribe skills are starting to be the bane of my existence.

Anyway, on the up side, it's supposed to be 74 degrees in Long Beach tomorrow. I may not get to see the sun for very long, but I will know that it exists and that might just be enough for the time being.

I still have another project to finish this afternoon and then I have to go home and pack. Good thing I didn't wait until the last minute. hehe.

When MOH Asks

2007-01-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

It seems that recently, all I've been doing is talking about myself and even what I'm saying has become ridiculously redundant. It's high time that I stop wallowing and look outside myself for just a moment. So that's what I did. And not a moment too soon.

Miss Joan has asked for some help for a fellow blogger, the one and only Sgt Hook, who besides being a stand-up guy has been damn nice to me over the last couple years, even though he never had to be.

Well, I have the chance to help do something good, so when MOH asked for a favor on his behalf, no wasn't even a word in my vocabulary. So, here's the deal. Go. Vote early and vote often!!! This is for Hook after all!!

hmmm

2007-01-14T18:23:00.000-08:00

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

Sometimes simple truth is the most potent...

When I Apply Myself...

2007-01-08T21:48:00.000-08:00

The days seem to just drag on right now. In some ways it feels like life is sailing past; but the things that really matter, well time practically stands still. Professionally I’m doing well…or so I hear. I’ve gotten great feedback on all the projects I’ve completed. In fact, I was tagged this week to work on projects specifically for the General. The Deputy Directors have been requesting me for a while now; their positive reception of my work is gratifying and I really need that to stay in this job.

We had an ORISE team meeting today and my project manager (read: guy who hired me) told me that there is a position, identical to the one I hold, opening in Tennessee. Actually, it the exact job I wanted when I applied back in April last year. My boss told me he would put in a transfer request if I wanted it…I turned it down. No questions asked. I just said, “No thank you”.

Maybe it was a mistake; but I don’t think so. If I left right now it would be wrong for several reasons.

Right now I would be using this as an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with

There is no way that Oakridge could offer me the opportunities of professional growth that I already have here

G-ma and G-pa are back on this coast so my major reason for moving is no longer valid.

Moving right now would be nothing more than an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with

[redundancy is intentional here, kids]
I get to start with a new boss in just over two weeks, after our After Action Report is on the Governor’s desk and I can’t wait. I will be shadowing the Exercise Director through the planning and execution of the Statewide Full Scale Exercise in November. Working for a loud retired firefighter is right up my alley. We get along great and being a multi-tasker is definitely coming in handy. I swear he’s yet to finish one sentence before he’s on to the next thought. Anyway, I’m already getting to have a hand in all the processes involved in putting together statewide disaster preparedness exercises.

I’ve been throwing myself into my work even more than normal to make up for the fact that Adrian and I have been having a rough patch…or at least he’s been having a rough patch. I don’t know much and I don’t want to talk about what I do know…it’s tough enough to acknowledge it in my own mind. But when my personal life is up in the air…my professional life flourishes. Fortunately there is enough work to keep me busy and my mind mostly off of Adrian…at least between the hours of 8 and 6.

I would also like to take this opportunity to plug the amazing quality of MAC make-up. I spent about 15 minutes driving and crying this morning and when I got to Starbucks, my make up was still perfect…the only telling feature was the redness of my eyes. When I got to work, no one was the wiser. MAC rocks, period.

100 Things

2007-01-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I stole this idea from the fabulous Miss Joan it just took me longer (as usual) to write it. So here is an almost entirely new list of things.

I'm an Aries/Taurus Cusp kid. I was born directly in the center of the "Week of Power" which should explain a lot.

I used to speak fluent Spanish…I even dream in Spanish when I'm really tired.
While I was in college I taught myself Latin. I also read and comprehend French.

I lived in N. Hollywood for a while. The city sucked...the apartment rocked. You can see it in Fast and the Furious.

I used to be head of PR for an independent clothing company…we had a huge celebrity following but the start-up capital wasn't there and the company folded despite its popularity.

I used to live in Mexico every summer...if I could move back there for good I would do it in a heart beat.

My scariest moment happened before my senior year in high school. I was almost kidnapped in Mexico. I was dragged two blocks and down some stairwell before anyone got to me. If one of my friends hadn't been there...I wouldn't be here now. To this day I will not willingly set foot in Tijuana.

I like a man who knows how to use his hands; in fact, hands are one of the first physical features I notice on a man.

My favorite place to watch a sunset is the Ferry Landing in Coronado

My favorite artist is Shano; my favorite poets are Viggo Mortensen and Henry Rollins

I was born a firstborn...but after my parents adopted or took in other kids, I am now a third born....I'm still not used to being bossed around.

It’s been three years, but when I tell time my brain still automatically calculates the time in Iraq.

I see other people's dreams all the time. Sometimes more vividly than they see it themselves...it used to scare me.

I dream walk...I have since I was 5 years old. It gets kinda crowded in my head sometimes.

There are three people I feel to the core of my being at all times.

If given the opportunity, I would trade my opposite soul for what’s behind door #2.

I wasn't always an insomniac. It started when Clark went overseas…only recently has my body readjusted from Operation Iraqi Freedom time.

Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.

I am irrationally terrified of lawn gnomes. I really do freak out if I see one unexpectedly.
I'm also afraid of green parrots...I don't like birds, but it's mostly green parrots that scare me.

The first concert I ever went to was the Moody Blues when I was three.

I am a recovered anorexic purger. I don’t ever get on scales. If required to, I face backwards and close my eyes…just in case.

I have colored my hair since I was 11...I don't actually know what my "natural" hair color would be now.

I was a competitive cheerleader when I was a kid. Then, I coached cheer in college. I was also in colorguard in high school. (I know MOH is cringing to read this) ;-)

I was a ballet dancer for 12 years. I passed all my examinations through the Royal Academy of Ballet, London. That means I fall gracefully.

I quit dancing to ride horses competitively. I own two horses but I haven't ridden since high school.

I have broken all of my toes except my big toes. (Some more than once). I've also broken three ribs, my tailbone and my elbow....only a few of these happened because of my clumsiness.

The only food I really crave is California burritos from Santana's. They only have Santana's in San Diego County…well, and sometimes I crave chiliquiles

My house in San Diego almost burned down in the fires two years ago...the dirt lot was all that saved it....most of the neighborhood was damaged or destroyed

I used to sing karaoke every week with professional drag queens

I'm still friends with my kindergarten best friend (I'm her daughter's godmother)

My first boyfriend is now a professional bull rider

I can't stand wearing anything other than a g-string during the day.

I am a die hard football fan. I love my 49ers in the good years and the bad. You don't want to see me if is miss a game. I live for football season.

I got hooked on basketball the year the kings got Mike Bibby. It was coincidence...but now he's my favorite player. He also lives in my home town

I used to be a seatfiller and crowd controller for awards shows. I don’t get to go anymore because I have grown-up responsibilities.

I LOVE to drive. Driving fast relaxes me.

Lancers are my favorite car...if I had a million dollars to spend on a car...I would still buy a Lancer....it would be the Ralliart Edition though or the Evo VIII. (I don't like the new ones)

Doc Holiday (the best known vocal coach and producer in Hollywood) told me I had a great singing voice. (He caught me singing Michael Jackson songs in the hallway of a hotel when I was working security)

I still love cartoons. Rocky and Bullwinkle are the greatest. I even named my Pomeranian Natasha Fatale (we call her Tiny) because I loved Rocky and Bullwinkle so much. She was the greatest villain…did every thing in heels and full make-up and her hair was always perfect.

I've gotten the suicide call from someone I loved. (He's actually ok as far as I know)

Except for pot, I have NEVER done any illegal drug. Pot was only twice and I have an adverse reaction to it...it makes me aggressive and downright mean. I can't even get contact high

A contact high was the reason I got kicked out of a Tim McGraw concert...I got in a fight with a dumb bitch who was picking on some kids.

If it weren’t for Adrian and the new job, I would move to Chattanooga TN in a heartbeat...other than that I wouldn't want to leave Cali...except maybe to go to Mexico.

I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.

My extended family is really close...my cousins are like my siblings.

It takes a lot to offend me. I grew up in a fire house and it shows. It’s actually the only way I can survive where I work now

I make less money as a contractor working for Homeland Security than I did working as a receptionist at a seafood distribution plant.

I hate sleeping alone. I sleep much better with someone else. Staying with Adrian is actually what ended my insomnia.

If I could quit my jobs for a year and have my bills taken care of I would go get my mechanic's license.

I free-lance as a make-up artist and I would quit my job tomorrow to work for MAC.

I only wear MAC make-up and I convert everyone I come into contact with.

I almost never leave the house without full make-up on…I figure that other people have to look at me too.

It pisses me off when people don’t even bother to brush their hair before leaving the house.

I love tall heels. I have probably 30-40 pairs of tall heels.

I've been told that I should work for a 900 number

I won't date a man who is shorter than me...I'm only 5'3...I don't think that's asking a lot

I used to be a compulsive weight lifter...I used to bench press my body weight...the decline is my favorite...

I got out of running stadiums in high school because I bet my PE teacher I could out bench her...I did and she didn't make me do stadiums for the rest of the year

I've been an EMT since I was 18 and I LOVE EMS work…I thrive under pressure.

I will sacrifice of myself if someone I care about needs me. I am loyal to a fault. I stand up for the people I care about to my own detriment.

I used to skip class in high school to go beat old men at pool.

I got kicked out of my parents’ house on a routine basis from the time I was 15 until I was 21. (the last year I didn't live there but they still had my stuff) To this day I’m not quite sure why they kicked me out most of the time.

It doesn't bother me if strangers make assumptions about me but it pisses me off when my friends do

I am much better at long distance friendships than I ever thought I would be

My grandma is one of my biggest heroes. I want to be like her

My biggest struggle with organized religion is the hypocrisy of other "Christians"

I am completely left-handed...I only have a right arm so I don't appear unbalanced

I don't believe in rebound relationships. Two reasons: 1) there aren't enough good ones to go fucking them up with drama 2) if he's not one of the good ones, then I don't want to waste my time

My English teacher during my senior year of high school is the reason that I went to college and that I understand my faith.

I wish I had even a fraction of the writing ability of MOH.

I rarely like “chick flick” movies, but every once in a while, I fall in love with a cheesy Hallmark movie.

I despise working with women…I love that my current job has me working with 28 men and three females.

I relate to everything through music…I only wish I could be as articulate with my own thoughts.

Sahaj Ticotin’s voice has gotten me through all of my tough times since I first heard him six years ago.

I’m not particularly superstitious, but I do think that much of my recent drama is because I broke my rearview mirror two days before Christmas.

I’ve lived near the Napa Valley for much of my life, but I despise all wine I’ve ever tried…I just never acquired the taste.

My libido could power a third world country…I think that intimidates some of the guys I hang out with.

If I ever get married, I want a Mardi Gras-type wedding…based on several of Shano’s paintings.

Most people are surprised to find out that I only have one tattoo and I only got that one recently.

One of the best pieces I’ve ever received came from my dad. He told me, “Always remain childlike without being childish.”

My passport only has one stamp in it and I think that is a tragedy. I want to fill all of the pages.

I have a tendency to quote movies…frequently.

Halloween and Christmas are my favorite holidays.

Almost every weekday (and some weekends) for the last six months I have gotten a venti unsweetened black iced tea from the same Starbucks. I won’t hardly darken the doors of another Starbucks…I love mine too much.

I love to cook but I hate to eat whatever I’ve made. I would much rather feed others.

I met one of my old roommates on a street corner in San Francisco.

It grosses me out not have my toenails painted….they are always red or burgundy.

I collect Rosie the Riveter stuff…the more unusual the better.

I really want children…whether I give birth to them or adopt is immaterial.

Most days at work I’m afraid that someone will realize that I am completely unqualified for my job and take it away from me.

Some days I wish they would and then I could go back to just being a receptionist.

I almost mailed a postcard in to Post Secret, but before I could, someone else mailed in the same secret as mine…the same way I was going to.

The last three places I’ve worked have nicknamed me porn star names.

A man growling in Spanish is one of my biggest turn-ons.

One of the biggest compliments I’ve received recently was being told by a spec ops soldier whose specialty is psychological warfare that I read people too well for mind games to actually be effective. He told me that very few people can see through him like I could.

I have failed “sensitivity training” before. I didn’t get offended at the right things and I said the wrong things out loud…personally, I think that’s how I get along better with people.

I used to spend my summers in “Tornado Alley” in Kansas…I’ve never been scared of tornados; but I’ve always had an unnatural fear of basements…I talked my parents out of buying a giant Victorian house one time because I was so terrified of the basement I wouldn’t set foot back inside that house.

There are very few words that really bother me…most are racial slurs…the others would surprise most people.

I firmly believe that a person can’t be happy with anyone else until they can be completely happy with themselves. Sometimes I wish I didn’t believe that so strongly.

I get scared at times that I will never have someone love me as deeply as my dad loves my mom.

The things I fall in love with person for are things that most people don’t even notice. For me, it’s the little things. Like with Adrian, it was actually his hands and the laugh lines around his eyes and the light that emanates from him that made me find him so very beautiful. I believe that you have to love a person for their flaws not in spite of them

2007

2007-01-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!

I don't believe in resolutions; I figure, if there is something that I want to change about myself then I should just change it. There is no reason to wait around for a new year to start. However, I do have a couple wishes for the new year.

It is my hope that each and everyone of you has a year of peace, joy and friendship.
I wish for MOH and I to grasp all the happiness and love there is to be gained from this world. It's our turn to shine, MOH.
I want to see the beauty in the little things this year, even with thr stress of everyday life.

I don't think I'm asking or expecting too much from this next year...only what I know is very possible. I enjoyed the second half of 2006 and I've decided that I'm looking forward to the start of 2007.

Love and light to all of you.

Land of Confusion

2006-12-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

This song captures me today...well the whole week so far...

Time to Remember

2006-12-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today is the three year anniversary of the death of Spc. Michael G. Mihalakis. He was a member of Clark's unit in Iraq. Michael died of injuries sustained in a non-combat vehicle accident at the Baghdad International Airport on December 26, 2003.

In some ways it seems difficult to believe that three whole years have passed...in others it seems as if it was an entire lifetime ago. I think that too many of us have lost a personal connection to this war and to the soldiers still fighting it. I know that personally, I would have completely lost touch with the day to day events of the war if it weren't for MOH and the men in uniform I work with.

However, even with the craziness and stress of everyday life, it's still important to remember those who gave their all. So, to Michael's family: Thank you. While my words can never replace what you lost, know that you have my gratitude. I know that nothing can bring your son back; but he will always be remembered.

Christmas Wishes

2006-12-25T21:28:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël, Natal feliz!!

It's been said that Christmas is the time to tell the truth about what you really want, so in the spirit of the season, here is my list:

I want Adrian's dad to stop suffering and his mom to get some rest.

I want Adrian to be able to not worry so much about family and money and how to make all the pieces fit.

I want MOH to start believing in herself and the amazing quality of her writing.

I want MOH to be safe in Iraq next year

I want my own grandpa to enjoy the time he has left.

I want to be able to pick up extra hours at the old place and for those hours combined with my regular job to be enough to finally pay all my bills

I want all the people I love to have all the joy and love this world has to offer.

and I want those people to know that I love them with every fiber of my being

Thank you all for being a part of my life. "Merry Christmas to us, every one."

Sick Cycle??

2006-12-24T23:07:00.000-08:00

The confusion inside of me seems unsurmountable right now. I don't know...I feel like I'm back on that carousel like before. No, it doesn't have anything to do with Clark. I'm just at a low point and things I thought I knew have ceased to exist in their proper form. What I need right now is some clarity...maybe someday.

And So it Goes

2006-12-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

“On the road again” seems to be my theme song these days. I have been traveling quite a bit for work. No where exciting unless you count Norwalk and Fresno as hotspots in the great state of California. I don’t but maybe San Diego jaded me. At any rate, it appears that my scribing skills are in high demand. I have been to several conferences and meetings throughout the Department. The way I hear it, there are actually specific requests for my “skills”…all this for a girl who doesn’t type with her fingers on the correct keys. There is no accounting for taste apparently. ;-)

Tomorrow I have a conference all day and I’m not particularly excited about the subject matter. Though I suppose it’s good for me to be exposed to all the different areas under the Department’s control. At the least, I am hoping I won’t fall asleep…one of the Deputy Directors is giving the presentation.

This schedule is good for my career…or so they tell me. Ya know, it wasn’t that long ago that I was dying to travel and be constantly on the go. Now…well, I am just glad that my trip this week was cancelled. I just want to be at home. I have seen Adrian for precisely 15 minutes in the last week. Yeah, we think it’s ridiculous too. But, that’s life right now.

Adrian’s dad is out of the hospital again and apparently in better spirits after being told by his sons that if he wants to return to Mexico, they will facilitate that request. It looks as though Adrian’s parents will be here through Christmas and head home shortly thereafter. I think that as terrible as it sounds, he will be better off in his home, even if it’s away from the majority of his kids.

The way I see it, Adrian will stress about his dad whether he’s in the same country or not. Maybe now at least the pressure from the rest of the family will dissipate once mom and dad are back home. As it stands right now, Adrian catches hell if he goes even one day without visiting his parents. God forbid he wants to spend time with me. I know that part of this is cultural and part of this is because Adrian is the youngest of 14. Either way, I won’t cry when we finally have “us” time again. Perhaps that makes me a horrible, selfish person…but I have been more than understanding the last several months. The pressure of family is wearing Adrian thin and while I can about his family…Adrian…not his siblings…is my main concern.

When the Moon Mellows

2006-12-10T01:50:00.000-08:00

The moon has finally calmed a bit. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it wasn't completely without drama. MOH is safe and so is the rest of the circle. However, Adrian's dad is in the hospital. It's the third time since Thanksgiving.

Adrian's dad has advanced Parkinson's disease and the day after Thanksgiving he had a stroke and he's getting progressively worse. Adrian is, of course, having a very difficult time. His dad has always been his Superman and he's finally coming to terms with the idea that his dad isn't going to get better. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Foretunately, most of Adrian's family is in the area for the time being. I know that it's been good for them together again. At this point, it's my prayer that his dad will at least be comfortable.

Blood on the Moon?

2006-12-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

The dread is growing…it’s stronger than it’s been in a long time. We are all feeling it. What the it is remains to be seen. Neither G nor Adrian have any idea of what is coming, though they’ve both been warned to be very careful the next few days.

G had a horrific call a few days ago, but that obviously wasn’t the it we are waiting out. I have yet to be able to calm the chills that are coursing through my body. My stomach and spine are still in knots and I can barely concentrate on work. There isn’t enough to keep my mind focused on anything other that the unknown. It’s getting stronger…

My sleep has been very disturbed again. Last night I saw blood on the moon…though there wasn’t any when I looked out the window. I am terrified that being near me will end up causing Adrian pain. I can’t lose him…

Usually, if I’m worried about something in regards to Adrian, it has more to do with the fact that I can be very intense and it tends to scare people who either don’t know me or at least don’t know how to handle me.

When I’m in a relationship, I’m very focused and my energy can be overwhelming. I’m always thinking of little ways (or sometimes big ways) to show the man I’m with how much I care about him. Adrian has told me that it takes some getting used to…that he’s never had another girl be so considerate of his needs, wants, feelings. If he says he wants something, I do everything in my power to make it happen…especially if it’s something he mentions in passing and doesn’t expect me to remember.

See, I don’t even think about being in a relationship until I can give a lot of myself…otherwise I run the risk of burning myself out because that person will still get the same amount of my energy. Right now, I am not burning out; but that is at the expense of many friendships…that and Adrian may not know what to do with my intensity…but he doesn’t run from it either.

But today, my fear is more worry and it’s actually for him. Not just esoterically, but actually, physically, bodily. If it’s emotional…it will still be felt physically. There have been several times when I have worried about him and with good reason each time. This time, I was scared to let go of him. I clung to him longer than normal this morning. I think that’s how he knew I was serious when I told him about what I sensed.
It’s taking everything in me not to call him every hour to check on him. But, until I know more it won’t do any good to hover. Just wish I had some idea…and it would be great if the moon would stop bleeding on my dreams…

Family

2006-12-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

I just returned from an evening with the extended family in Napa. It's been good to be around family lately...and only partly because G-ma is back! Yep, it's true. G-ma is back permanently...or at least as long as we still have grandpa. He realized (after my parents and I visited for a couple weeks in September) that he missed those of us out here and perhaps picking up and selling all they owned to move to Tennessee wasn't the best decision he'd ever made. Hmm...ya think?

Anyway, they arrived home Thanksgiving week and believe me...I spent the entire week being completely thankful. Things are a little different now, of course. They don't have a house here anymore so they have moved into my Nina's big house in Napa. It's strange not to see g-ma in her house, but I'm so glad to have her back that I hardly notice the location. I've really needed her the last several months.

Grandpa is still very ill...they took him off the miracle pills. They just weren't helping and they made him feel weak. So he decided that he would rather enjoy the time he has left. Grandpa is on morphine patchs around the clock now and he's getting weaker. But, he's happier now than he has been in quite some time. He's at peace with death and has come to a point where he realizes the value of family rather than stuff. That's a big deal for my grandfather who has always measured happiness in money.

I'm just grateful that g-ma and grandpa are close enough for me to visit again. I wish I could see them more frequently, but once a week is far better than the three months I had to wait each time once they moved to Tennessee.

From the wreckage of myself

2006-12-01T10:57:00.000-08:00

Much has changed in the last several months. I am still in the same cities; but little else in my life is the same. I am now fully involved in the ORISE job and I can finally share some of it with ya’ll.

I am now a contractor with the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security. I am on a couple task forces, but the majority of the next year will be spent as the personal assistant of the lead planner. I am excited and overwhelmed with all that is going on.

I am younger than ever other person in this office by at least ten years…it’s more than a little intimidating some days. The only thing that keeps me going back is the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. MOH and I know that none of this has happened by accident and we are going to need every piece that has been put into play.

I work 10-14 hours days five to six days a week. I have little time for anyone or anything not work related, and it sucks. But, this is the path that I’m on and I choose my choice. I really appreciate those of you who has stuck around anyway. My close friends have all been very supportive of the fact that I have nothing to give to anyone right now.

Believe me, I miss all of you; but I am doing all I can to survive right now. My schedule doesn’t open up until the middle of February. It’s a daunting thought for me too…but it’s what I have to work with right now.

On a slightly happier note, Adrian (cute boy) and I are doing well. We don’t see each other nearly as much as either of us would like; but I hear that’s just part of being a grown-up. We have had our ups and downs and each time we’ve come out stronger as a pair. It’s something I am still getting used to. I’m still learning how to be in a grown-up relationship and it’s taking some work.

MOH and Grace get on my case when I say that one of these days, Adrian is going to wake up and realize that he is way out of my league. I’m not just being self-deprecating…he really is that fantastic. See, I’ve dated some wonderful men…they had their demons, but who among us doesn’t? But with all of them, I was the better person in the relationship. I’m not trying to be conceited…think back with me…Ya’ll have heard the horror stories about the destruction of Clark and me. We all know that Kolohe was not a healthy situation…there was Daniel…basically, I have a pattern.

I pick men with (and I hate this word) potential. But I don’t pick men who have become. I always find them in the transition. I’m good at picking up pieces…it’s what I do. And it usually ends in me getting hurt…though I am pretty guarded in choosing who is allowed into my heart in the first place.

Then along came Adrian. He is a bona-fide grown-up. He is (as my dad says) child-like without being childish. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And it came in a package I would have never suspected. See, for those of you who know me in any other plane, you know what I usually pick up off the shelf. Adrian isn’t any of those things, and it turns out he’s exactly what I’ve needed all along.

He makes me laugh. He lets me cry. He believes I am strong enough and smart enough to do anything I put my mind to…but he’s never expected me to be perfect. He apologizes when he’s wrong and it’s rarely a fight to get there. He makes me act like a grown-up when it comes to the important things; but he lets me be silly too. We’ve had some rough ground to cover, and we’ve picked up our share of baggage from each other’s past; but it’s made us stronger.

There are days when I don’t know how all the pieces will fit…there are so many differences in our worlds. Our backgrounds are like night and day; and it’s not been an easy road…it’s been more like a mountain climb without Sherpas. That’s not news to anyone, least of all me. The difference this time, is that Adrian is in this with me…I’m used to fighting battles alone.

In the rest of my person relationships, I have become the invisible friend. I have pulled back completely from acquaintances and those who demand of me without giving back. I don’t have the energy or even the desire to keep those relationships up. Maybe that’s cold and callous…I don’t know. But I know that for the first time in my life, I’m putting myself first in some areas just to survive. And you know, I’m actually sleeping most nights. Don’t misunderstand me, there are several people I love dearly and hate that I haven’t been in contact with them; something I hope to rectify after the first of the year.

For the time being, I am working non-stop and traveling several days a week for work. Someday I will emerge…hopefully intact. I know that most of you will still be there cheering me on, and for that I am eternally grateful…more than I could ever express.

Je vous aime tout.

Still Remembering

2006-09-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

I just want to take a moment to remember the 2996 people who died in the World Trade Center attacks five years ago. Beth has the list of all the blogger tributes here

I wrote this last year...and it is still true for me. While I didn't know any of the WTC victims personally; the memory of one man does live on in someone close to me. One of the men on my dad's crew that went to New York with him had a son born shortly after their first trip. He named his son after a fallen firefighter from the 118th Ladder Company named Joseph Agnello. His tribute is here.

It's wonderfully written and fitting of the man it honors. It's my humble prayer that the families of the fallen know true peace and that Americans as individuals and as a nation never forget the events of September 11, 2001.

I'm here

2006-08-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

It's been weeks since I last posted...that's never happened before and hopefully won't happen again. My life has turned upside down and righted itself more times than I can count. There are several reasons for my absence and while there are some things I won't talk about here; I can at least give ya'll a decent update.

Work is good. It's stressful but easier than where I was before. The pay is better too which makes dragging my ass out of bed at 5:30 each morning slightly more bearable. I've been putting in some extra time there just trying to get caught up from the people before me who didn't do the job properly. No big deal...I'm used to streamlining new jobs.

My computer access has changed drastically from where it used to be...I'm rarely even on at home now. It seems that when I'm there everyone demands my attention and I don't hardly get five uninterrupted minutes online. And as for phones...well after being on one for 8 hours straight, I have little desire to use one when I get home...

My life is going well too...better than it has in a long time. Last time I posted, I alluded to there being a cute boy in the picture...he is fantastic. I haven't been this happy in years. Cute Boy as Grace and G call him is really good for me. We have become those people that I usually make fun of. We are ridiculously sappy and adorable and at times, downright pathetic...and I'm loving every minute of it.

He treats me like a princess and wants to slay my dragons...but unlike the others, he's not intimidated by the fact that I can wield a sword pretty skillfully on my own. He's a real live grown-up and that is an incredibly nice change. We get along with each other's friends and everything is going well. There are hurdles and obstacles to negotiate, but so far we've done a good job of tackling them as a team.

It's really nice to finally find a man who knows who he is and isn't afraid to communicate with me. He's even strong enough to stand up to me....I haven't found a whole lot of those. My good friend Niccola has always said that she hopes to find an Innocent Man in the Billy Joel sense of the term. I wasn't fully convinced that they even existed outside the song...but I think I found one. Cute boy really is all of the things I've searched for...I'm still trying to figure out why he's so taken with me. hehe.

On the downside of all this light, MOH has had the lionshare of darkness and that saddens me deeply. As in all things, there is balance to everything and we share the good and bad the same. MOH, any and all light I have, you are welcome to...not that you need to be told, but sometimes it's good to be reminded.

Thank you to everyone who emailed, called, commented, texted, sent smoke signals to get my attention and make sure I am still alive and kicking. Ya'll are wonderful and I know I am blessed. Thanks again.

Updates and requests

2006-08-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

Before I move on to the trivial matters, Miss Joan's good friend had a dehibilitating accident yesterday; so for those of you who pray, please send one his way...for those that don't, good thoughts help too. All my love and light, Joan.

It seems so silly to write about other things, in light of this event; but I know I've been rather MIA for the last week or two. I haven't hardly been in front of the computer let alone had any time to compose my thoughts or words.

Work is going well. Working a switchboard for eight hours a day is tiring, but the work is easy. The people I work with are fabulous! I haven't laughed so much in a long time. I truly miss working with D and FG every day; but I definitely enjoy having a job that I can leave at work each night.

After four years of working almost exclusively with women, I finally have a job where I'm surrounded by guys. It's a nice change. I get to be a smartass and instead of it making me appear disrespectful, it makes me fit in like one of the guys. There is one guy there that totally reminds me of my brother-in-law, James. From the bad jokes to the random comments to the grin and troublemaking attitude...he keeps me laughing and it's good 'cuz i miss my sissy and her whole crew a lot these days.

There are a few non-fun people there too, but the ratio makes it okay. Sometimes I do get funny stories out of it. Case in point: The other day I had my hair in pigtails (my hair's too heavy for a single ponytail, so if it has to be up, it's either in two french braids or pig tails). I frequntly gets comments about them, but never before had i entountered this:

I'm sitting at my desk and one of the drivers comes in...Grace has dubbed him the Energizer Idiot or EI for short.

Me: Hey, good afternoon.
EI: Wow, your hairstyle is very interesting.
Me: Umm...ok, I don't know if I'm supposed to say thank you or not.
EI: Well, I mean it's like a throw back to the 70's or something.
Me: umm...ok...
EI: But I mean you pull it off in like a modern way.
Me: Umm...ok...they're pigtails.
EI: Well it's like an old look but you like totally pull it off in a modern way and make it all interesting.
Me: That's really special, but usually it doesn't get you far to tell a girl she's interesting looking...just FYI.

After he left, one of the salesmen stood up and looked at me...he was in complete disbelief that the Energizer Idiot just wouldn't shut up. I told him that this was the first time I'd even been told that my pigtails were interesting...I'm used to other comments. His response: "Well interesting certainly wasn't going to be my word. Kinky school girl seems more appropriate, but suppse some people would just find that interesting...if they don't know what else to do with it."

Have I mentioned that I love where I work? hehehe. The salesguys rock. And some of the warehouse guys and drivers are fantastic. Speaking of...I am completely infatuated. No, he's not married. Yes, he is gainfully employed. Yes, he has a good relationship with his family. And he's cute as hell. He's one of our drivers and from the first day I met him, I was smitten. It's true. He makes me laugh all the time, he's sweet, and he's a rocker boy from SoCal... sideways hat, spacers and all.

Apparently he's just as infatuated with me...

Don't worry, I'll keep ya'll updated...hopefully i will have good stories to report. I kinda like this one, mom. ;-)

2006-07-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

Still Breathing

2006-07-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

I know I've been quite absent as of late. This weekend was insane. I was outside all weekend long at a fire muster with my cadets. It was 115 degrees here with 50% humidity Saturday and Sunday. I was so exhausted when I got home that I crashed out each night.

Then Saturday night, I had a moment of complete gracefulness and fell my ass all the way down our stairs. I sprained my left ankle and pulled all the ligaments in my foot and my achilles tendon and I hyper-extended my knee. I'm all bruised and swollen but otherwise intact. My ankle is still a lovely shade of purple and my left side has a cankle where an ankle used to reside. I do hope my ankle returns to its normal size soon...I want to wear my cute shoes again!! Oh and walking normally would be a plus as well.

And now, on to other important things. My first day at work was yesterday. It went well I think. I didn't hang up on anyone (I only answered a few calls) and I survived, so it was pretty much a success any way you look at it. Today was even better. I answered phones all day adn only made a few mistakes. (I am the switchboard for about 55 different people/extensions some of which are outside lines which requires a whole series of numbers in order to transfer.)

The girl training me is fantastic! We get along really well and she is not only patient but she has a sense of humor. We're about the same age and it's been a blast so far. Oh, and did I mention I work with a bunch of guys again? I am so loving that. I truly loved the girls i worked with at the firm; but i have missed working with men. There is so much less drama when it comes to working with guys. That and I think they tell funnier jokes...I now work in a warehouse environment so it's right up my alley. Some of the guys are hot besides. Ooh...I so almost jumped on our Brinks guy...he is one of the hottest men i have seen in a long while...it's nice.

Finally, I heard from ORISE yesterday afternoon...they want to schedule another interview with me some time this week or next. I'm trying not to let myself get excited; but it's difficult not to. I may have a shot at a dream job yet. I'll keep ya'll posted when I find out more.

And, in the spirit of interviews, one of my favorite characters of all time:

humanistic esoteric superfragile undermiding comprehension sanity

2006-07-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday, and as such is my last day at the law firm. I start my new job first thing Monday morning but I've been so busy and stressed out that I haven't even given myself time to think about it all. I spent time today cleaning out my office and that has made the transition more tangible. My coworkers are still in denial about me leaving, at least that's what they keep telling me.

In addition to my career change, my dad is in the midst of change himself. He officially retires on August 1st, though his last shift is the 27th. He will retire with 31 years in this department and a total of 35 years as a firefighter. This decision has been a long time coming though the timing has turned out to be rather abrupt. It was only a week ago that he signed the paperwork...we're all still reeling a bit...my dad included.

The main cause behind his expidited exit is my grandfather's health. Last Friday, he and g-ma went to the oncologist. They were finally given a no bullshit assessment...the doctor gave my grandfather two to three months. Grandpa has been in quite a bit of pain since June and he's been getting increasingly weaker. His spirits are still pretty good but the bad days are starting to almost equal the good.

They will take one final trip to Cali together next month. My nina is going to fly back to Tennessee to accompany them and my dad will take the return trip with them. It is my plan to spend a week there in September, whether it's to say goodbye to grandpa or to comfort g-ma remains to be seen. All in all, it's been a rather long week around here.

I'm doing the best I can, but the mania is swinging back around. I actually called JD tonight because I felt like I was losing control. I'm better now and I know that tomorrow is just another day. No, it's more than that...it's the last day I have to spend in the seventh circle of hell...I can't wait for my new adventure to begin.

American? Then Act Like It

2006-07-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

I thought it was high time that I did my civic duty and let all my wonderful readers see what another of our warrior heroes has to say. Special Agent Frasier is from my hometown and is currently stationed in Iraq. A while back, he wrote this. Now, he's written again. His letter is here in its entirety.

To the people of [my home] County I write another letter from Iraq. This one is to rebut the numerous articles written by some opposed to President Bush and the war in Iraq. I have read some articles on-line and believe that the thoughts are not only completely without merit, but are simply anti-American. I have read as some have described our president as uncaring and moronic. They often revert to schoolyard name-calling, which is completely useless and reveals immaturity and unfamiliarity of the situation this nation is in. With all of some writers terms of wisdom as to how the war in Iraq is in the words of some "terrible and completely unnecessary" they continuously leaves out one message: An idea for improving the situation.

In my 16 years in the U.S. Army I have been taught not to complain about something unless you have an idea how to fix it. Apparently some have not been taught this lesson. Some are too wrapped up in an obvious political agenda in defacing Mr. Bush, the president of this nation, to think about what is being said.

In my opinion the statements of some mean the soldiers who have died in this war have done so for no reason. I guess they think their families should forget about the lives that their loved ones sacrificed for others. I for one take senseless rhetoric as a jab to my service to this nation and a slap in the face to all that serve or have served.

One writer's brilliant idea of having the president join patrols with Marines in Iraq during a recent visit is either a sign of instability or a wish for the president to be injured or possibly killed in an attack. Either way it is ridiculous. He is our president and there shouldn't be any American who wants any harm done to him. He is a symbol of our nation, like it or not. He is our commander and chief. He is a father and a husband. He is our leader. We as Americans need to sound as though we are not supporting the terrorists. Obviously, some are rooting for the insurgents.

As for the idea that this war is unnecessary; I ask those who think such thoughts how many days they have spent on the ground in Iraq? How many Iraqis have they talked to about their current situation and if it has improved since the removal of Saddam? How many terrorists have they seen up close and engaged? I'll go out on a limb and guess the answers are zero, zero and zero.

This country is improving on a daily basis. I know because I am in Baghdad, Iraq and get to see first hand the violence and all that comes with a war. I also get to see the improvements and steps taken to make this a free and democratic country.

I fight for the First Amendment right to free speech, but that doesn't mean we should say every delusional thought that comes to our minds. I assure you every soldier that has died for the freedoms that make us the greatest nation in the world, did not consider or want them to be used in a disrespectful of harmful manner towards our nation or its leaders.

For those who oppose this war and the president I ask, if you are an American, act as such. Feel free to complain as much as you seem fit. Dislike the president for the tough decisions he has made. Go ahead and pretend that you would make a better president and hold cabinet meetings with your pets. Have neighborhood children provide you with security while you walk from your car (Road Force One) to your front door.

But please think about what you are saying before you harmfully label a war that many have died for and believe in. Especially when the only way you can see a different view of Iraq is with a remote control. But more importantly have some respect for our country, our president and the troops that fight around the world so terrorist don't plant IEDs on the roads you drive on. Even if what we are doing is, in the words of some "terrible and completely unnecessary."

- Jerry K. Frasier is a special agent with the U.S. Army CID, Camp Slayer, Iraq.

For the People

2006-07-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so in the last three days I have gotten an inordinate amount of hits by people looking for pictures of Peter Facinelli in the Fastlane days. So, always one to do my part to beautify America; here are some photos. For the record…he’s on my list…

Good News for a Change

2006-07-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I finally have good news. I got a new job last week. I start work on July 24th. That means only one last week in the purgatory that is my current working environment. Yes, I am counting down...and no, it's not moving quickly enough. I can't find words to properly express how happy i am to be leaving. I am definitely going to miss my coworkers; but it is more than time to move on from there.

The new job is a reception/front desk position with a distribution center about twenty minutes from my house. I'm getting a good pay raise and after 90 days, I'll have benefits. I knew from the moment i met the hiring manager that he was someone I would love to work for. Turns out they thought I was pretty super too.

The hours are going to be tough since I am NOT a morning person (I have to be there by 7:30 am); but I will learn to adjust. At least they are guaranteeing me 40 hr weeks.

They also know that if the ORISE job comes through that I'll take it...and they hired me anyway. I'd say that's a good sign. On the ORISE front, there is the potential for a job to come through sooner than i had anticipated. The timing has the potential to suck horribly if I've just started a new job; but as one of my attorneys told me last week, if ORISE is my dream then I have to follow it no matter what...which is exactly what I plan to do.

Nikka Rocks

2006-07-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

I have to be up in just a few short hours so my stories will have to wait, but I must say, again; Nikka is the damn man.

even as a kid when she was singing at her dad's concerts...

or just singin her heart out:

tearin' it up:

or showing some soul...Nikka is one of the greats, in my opinion.

It's so true

2006-07-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I can't sleep and even G has finally gone to bed...

Your Driving Is is: 82% Male, 18% Female

According to studies, you drive like a typical male.
You're reckless, aggressive, and see driving as a game.
And while you like to live on the edge a little, you still know how to drive safely.

Do You Drive Like a Guy or a Girl?

On Your Own

2006-07-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

In the words of Henry Rollins (one of the greats, in my opinion):

"If I thought it would help
I would stay with you as long as it took
I would show you something different
That i was telling you the truth the whole time
As it is right now
I have taken all I can
Your shallowness has thrown me into a deep hole
It would be better for me to hate you I know
But I can't
I try but I keep thinking of you sitting alone
Seeing yourself as pieces of broken glass on the floor
Your inverted rage is hard to be around
Good luck."

Sometimes...that's really all there is to say.

Glutton for Punishment

2006-07-10T01:55:00.000-07:00

That appears to be an appropriate title for me these days. It's not actually that bad, really. A few hours ago, Grace and I arrived home from another whirlwind tour of the state. This time we didn't make it all the way to San Diego though. We stopped about an hour north in Temecula.

Sunday was my mentor, Burt', s 40th birthday. His wife and pastoral staff threw him a huge surprise party on Saturday night...Grace knew I really wanted to be there for it so Friday after work we tossed clothes and food into the car and set off for SoCal. We rolled into out adopted family's house at about 4:30 Saturday morning. We spent a relaxing day in the most kickass swimming pool I've ever been it...I am definitely a salt water pool convert. Anyway, that evening Grace and I headed off to Burt's church. He was shocked beyond belief to see us there (It had been almost a year since i saw him last) and so excited that he introduced us to everyone who walked by.

We managed to come up with a convincing enough reason to show up without giving away any information about his birthday. At the endo of the service, Burt's wife brought out a huge birthday cake with 40 candles and we could see the wheels turning in Burt's head. As soon as things settled down a bit, Grace and I made our way back over to him. This time we said "Happy BIrthday" and gave him the card we had. His response cracked me up (and i quote), "No...shut up! You didn't! Wow, you girls really drove all the way from Sacramento for me. Wow...I am really special." The way his face lit up was worth the entire drive.

See, Burt is one of the most important people in my life. I don't see him very often anymore, but that in no way diminishesthe impact he's had on my life. Many of the things that my friends love about me are the direct result of Burt's influence. I worked for him when I lived in San Diego, and to be perfectly honest, if he had the resources, I'd be working for him right now. He's one of the most non-judgemental and caring human beings you could hope to meet. People are his passion...well, people and extreme sports. He loves all things that speed but he's a surfer first and foremost.

I was really thankful to get to hang out with Burt this weekend. It's what my soul needed to reenergize. The eight hour drive didn't even seem too bad...now if only I didn't have to start another week up here...I would be ecstatic. I have a feeling that another roadtrip is in my not too distant future...

Come What May

2006-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know posting has been sporadic at best lately, but I have a couple good reasons. I've been spending all my work time not consumed with actual work applying for different jobs. I have to say, job hunting is incredibly time-consuming. Anyway, I had an iterview on Friday with a company in Sacramento. It's a high call volume reception position with a hefty pay raise and benefits. From the moment I talked to the manager on the phone I knew he was the kind of person I would want to work for. On Friday however, my life was an example of Murphy's Law.

It takes twenty minutes from my front door to the building where I was to interview. I left my house 50 minutes before I my appointment. I got to the general area without incident and then all hell broke loose. I was supposed to end up on West National street but I missed a turn adn ended up on National West...they are two different streets...and they don't intersect. When I finally found my way, I was five minutes late for my interview. Foretunately, the manager was running late as well. I know I interview well; I always have, but I didn't give a particularly stunning interview this time around...or so I thought...I struggled to be articulate and I think I forgot all the good buzz words I know. I'm pretty sure I was more irreverant than one is supposed to be and most likely I talked too much.

Apparently I must have said something right because he basically waxed poetic about my interview, my speaking skills and his general impression of me...I have a meeting with he and the general manager tomorrow morning so they can make me an offer. I might be out of the law firm soon after all. I even told them about the ORISE job being a possibility...it's not a problem they say. So we shall see what tomorrow brings.

Wish me luck!!

Land of the Free

2006-07-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence day! I always get a little more emotional today...I hope I never lose that. I am proud to be an American and I am grateful for the opportunities and freedoms I am provided simply because I was blessed to be born here.

Tonight I had the pleasure of explaining to my five year old niece why we salute our flag and why we stand for the national anthem with our hands over our hearts. She had the wide-eyed wonderment that so many of us have lost as we've grown up. It's refreshing to see freedom through a child's eyes. After I answered all of her questions and we settled in to watch the fireworks, she commented that we live in the best place ever!! I have to say, I agree with her.

Go, read what Ms. Joan has to say today and remember why we're proud to be Americans. And, as you enjoy the rest of the nght and head back to work tomorrow (or the next day if you're lucky), take a second to remember all the men and women serving around the globe (and here at home) whole ensure that Amenrica remains the Land of the free.

Because this week hasn't been confusing enough

2006-07-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

We've been sold. I'm still reeling though I recieved the news on Wednesday. It feels like mom and dad got divorced and the judge sent us to live with the wrong parent. We all wante to live with dad, but alas, we've been told that mom will be keeping us. She will certainly lower our allowances and increase our chores...while micromanaging us all along.

The law firm I work for has been reduced (it's official as of today along with the end of the fiscal year) from a general partnership to a sole proprietorship. The partner commonly referred to as Peter Pan has purchased the 50% interest of the other partner. This sale ushers out the last remaining voice of reason in management.

The other boss I really liked has effectively been laid off...those no one has the balls or ovaries (as the case may be) to tell her that she no longer has a job. See, around here they don't like to fire people. Not only is it "not friendly" but the company would also be required to pay unemployment...God forbid they spend any money on their employees...at any point. Rather, they like to make the work environment so unbearable that you quit. Then not only does the company not owe any money; but managements' collective conscious is absolved.

As ya'll can see, I am way past disillusioned and way in to bitter and beyond caring. I would love nothing more than to get fired right now. That's saying something about my workplace since I'm actually a bona fide workaholic. Always have been...but now I'm more like Peter Gibbons.

One of the attorneys and I were discusisng the problems that just seem to be getting worse and worse around here. She made a comment about the people at the top balancing the financial responsibility on those at the bottom. My observation: There are many governments that balance the economy on the backs of the peasants. But those governments are usually overthrown in some sort of a messy military coup. We've almost reached riot status kids.

I'm still job-hunting like crazy. Keep your fingers crossed about a job with ORISE/ORAU. (Google it if you want to know...I can't give out a lot of detail yet.)

With a Little Help From My Friends

2006-06-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

I have a little favor to ask of my fantastic readers. Don't worry, I don't need you first born child or even a kidney. This could actually be a lot of fun. My brother-in-law, James called me this morning with a question of the day. I want to know what ya'll have to say about it. So, here's the scenario as told to me:

You're driving across the desert to meet your long lost love in a 1972 De Ville convertible with the wind in your hair; the sun is just cresting over the horizon. You have the music playing loudly and the drive is exhilirating.

So, what are the two songs that you simply must hear on this journey?

I want to see what you guys would listen to. Leave your songs in the comments. I'll add mine too.

Ceasing to Sleep Again

2006-06-27T01:25:00.000-07:00

I still can't sleep tonight. That means ya'll get to join in my lat night ramblings. Tonight they are in music form. I've been fighting with my computer for the last two hours...I quit...so to make me feel better, we are now gonna listen to Mike Ness. I love his voice...though to be perfectly honest, he could just stand there and I would be almost as happy.

Reeling

2006-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've been absent around here lately because I can't find my feet long enough to form words and subsequently, record those words. This week has been pretty busy with work, job-hunting, family and life.

So, here's the rundown:

I'm still waiting to find out concrete answers regarding my interview last week. The more I learn about the job; the more I am convinced that it's the perfect opportunity for me. SO keep your fingers crossed.

Grandpa isn't doing well at all. He's worse than he's been letting on which we knew, to some degree. Turns out the last few weeks he's been getting pretty dizzy. He didn't even have the energy to go to my youngest niece's 5th birthday party. G-ma won't hardly leave his side.

Work is becoming increasing unbearable by the day. Like rats off a sinking ship allthe senior staff is attempting to defect. Hopefully, we'll have the opportunity to leave en masse.

Now for the reeling part of the show. I got a call Friday afternoon from Kolohe. He informed me that this would be his last weekend at the bar...oh and at the college. He was offered (accepted) a job in Los Angeles...it starts Wednesday.

The upside is that he'll be making more money and he won't have the beastly commute. He'll also be driving (piloting?) a boat so he'll get to be back on the water. He needs that...his soul has withered by being landlocked.

The downside is that he will work four weeks at a time in L.A. and then be home for about a week before heading back. It also means that I don't know when I will see him next.

It's all so sudden that Kolohe is reeling aobut as much as we are. On top of all that, his grandfather passed away last week and his entire family is here from Hawaii.

You know it all caught me off gurad when the bar was full of cute, tall asian men
and I didn't even get to appreciate them. Two of Kolohe's cousins are pretty hot. Anyway, Grace and I bought Kolohe an ice cream cake and Strawberry and Cream frappuchinos. (They're his favorite.) The worst part of the evening was having to break the news to G while she was at work.

In addition to Kolohe's family, his wife was at the bar too. She isn't the most pleasant of human beings and she certainly doesn't like us. C'est la vie, we still got to say our goodbyes, and since I've talked to Kolohe twice already today, I have hopes that perhaps geography won't make us entirely distant. Here's to hoping that all of the events of the weekend sink in soon and I can stop my head from spinning.

Socially Acceptable?

2006-06-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

Where to begin…there is so much to write down and so little time in which to write. I realize that I should be happy to be so busy since I’m the same one who complains bitterly when bored. I just wish I had enough time to gather my thoughts and maybe even finish one project before I dive head first into the next.

I digress; in the few minute I have, I simply must recount the events of Friday night. This story actually starts last Thursday when Grace and I were shopping for the many items we needed for host a barbeque on Friday night. As we were leaving the store, we ran into our old neighbor, Roger. We hadn’t seen Roger in about eight months as he moved shortly after we moved into the complex. We got along well for the short amount of time we knew him, so we stopped to chat.

By the end of the conversation, Grace had given him her number and invited him to stop by the barbeque if he wanted to the next night. We then thought nothing more of it and went about the preparations for the festivities.

The barbeque wasn’t a large party, just G and a couple other people and now, apparently, Roger. Friday night came and we cooked massive amounts of food. Roger showed up with his own beverages and we all had a laidback time. After a few hours, G had to leave since she had to work the next morning. She and the crew left but Roger stayed.

No big deal, Grace and I didn’t really see an issue. We played cards and drank for a while. Then each of us started to notice little things that were out of place…tiny details that would have been completely imperceptible had they been purported by say, Will or Dean. Then, with little warning, Roger asked Grace and I if we wanted to have a threesome.

Now, had he asked me when I was completely drunk or sober I could have answered him seriously (the answer I give him would be no regardless of my impairment); but he waited until I was just barely buzzed. In that state, my first inclination is to laugh…and that’s exactly what I did. I laughed at him. Not the polite “I’m a bit embarrassed” laugh…no, we’re talking the “full-out, did you really just ask that question in seriousness?” laugh. Grace informed him that we don’t actually roll that way.

Does he catch on to the fact that he’s been shot down? Nope. He asks again. Yeah…you’re not getting anywhere here buddy. At this point, I know I had the “you’re a moron” expression plastered across my face and here’s Roger, completely incredulous that we would say no to him.

Grace and I got him towards the front door as quickly as possible…two reasons: not only was he getting creepier by the moment, but I was loosing what little control I had over my words…I was about to call him all sorts of names as I told him what I really thought.

Doorway…we’re almost free of Roger…wait, he turns back around and asks, “So, maybe another night then?”

Seriously?? Did you really ask a third time? Do you realize that you had to double check which one of us was Grace and which one was Audrey? Are you really that stupid? Or that cocky? I’ma have to lean towards stupid…the man had previously been cute…but he was never that cute.

We barely got the door closed behind him before Grace and I collapsed on the floor in fits of laughter. It took several minutes to compose ourselves.

Everyone who has heard this story has had the same response: “He said what?!?! You’re not supposed to say that out loud!” Since then, Dean will periodically call and simply ask, “So, wanna have a threesome?” Before he dissolves into a fit of laughter himself.

Note to self: Apparently, the words: wanna hang out and barbeque with us actually means: wanna have a threesome…Useful information to know.

Quick Update

2006-06-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have great stories from my weekend that I hope to get posted by tonight. For the time being however, I have way more work than I can accomplish. We are completely swamped here at work and I have an interview at 5pm today so keep your fingers crossed for me. I’ll let ya’ll know how it goes.

Life in the Fastlane

2006-06-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Life has been crazy this week…hence the lack of posting. It will get better; I haven’t dropped off the planet…not yet anyway.

Lots of work and trying to get caught up with friends and attempt to stay that way. Who knows yet whether or not it will happen. As Popeye say, “Me does the best me can do and that’s all me can do.”

My weekend is looking to be action-packed again and I’m hoping I can keep up. C’est la vie! Better to be busy than bored, I suppose.

In other news, I have an interview scheduled for Monday morning. It’s with a University and I think it’s a place I would really like to work. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, but there is a little part of me that believes I have a real shot at it. We’ll see. I let ya’ll know when I know anything more.

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend.

You did what?

2006-06-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

Just a little math for the class
miles driven since Thursday night -- 2500
hours I was on vacation -- 86
hours spent driving -- 41
average price of gas -- 3.49 per gallon
fantastic memories -- priceless

My trip to San Diego with Grace and G was wonderful. It was chaotic, insane and exhausting but one of the most fun weekends I've had in years. I drove from Sacramento to San Diego twice with some huge detours each time...totally not the plan but well worth it to kidnap Will for the day. Many stories to relate but since I still haven't slept a full night's sleep (even for me) the stories must wait.

I can definitely say however that Will is the best navigation system I have ever encountered. When in doubt, call Blondestar. hehe.

In other news, the fantastic Ms. Judy and Mr. Gene just left my casa. We had a hilarious and relaxing evening over barbequed chicken and bitch beers. We simply must do this again sometime soon. I can't believe it took us this long in the first place!!

Now, I must sleep...g'night ya'll.

Velocity of Presence

2006-06-08T00:38:00.000-07:00

...When I look into your eyes
I can see how life has savaged you
It's ok if you fall
I will be there to catch you
Anyone who would want to hurt you
Would have to go through me to do it
I will never be able to pound words into lines
To match the velocity of your presence
(the emphasis is my own, by these amazingly accurate and apropos words belong to none other than the great Rollins)

I have spent several evenings this week with Dean and last night as we sat talking, the last lines of that poem echoed throughout my brain. "I will never be able to pound words into lines to match the velocity of your presence". I do realize that it must frequently sound as though I'm waxing poetic like some lovestruck teenager (which I haven't been for quite some time now) and never have I been like that when it comes to Dean.

I've written before about my belief in wisdom of the ancients -- wisdom of lives you haven't lived. Well, Dean is ancient. If you look up old soul in the dictionary, his picture will be next to it. To say that he is "wise beyond his years" doesn't even scratch the surface. As Grace discovered when she met him last week: (direct quote) "I know you always say that you don't have adequate words to describe him, but I can say now that your words come as close as any ever will. Dean really is all that you say and yet there is so much more depth than words can capture. It's no wonder you love him so deeply and were so devastated to lose him."

It has occurred to me in the last few days that part of my downfall in relationships...even friendships...is that in the five years we had no contact I went around trying everything I could think of to fill the void in my soul. The problem is, nothing except Dean can fill a Dean-sized hole. It wasn't until he came back that I was able to recognize my own behavior. I do realize that had I asked, there are a few of you who could have told me that all along. I suppose I just had to learn the hard way.

Since I returned from Tennessee I have felt myself withdrawing more and more from those around me...not in an "I want to be a hermit and live in a cave" kind of way...more like an "I don't have time for people who are half-way into my life" kind of way. I am incredibly intense when it comes to my interpersonal relationships and I think that can be a lot for most people to handle. MOH was right, I don't have a lot of uses for accquaintances. Either you are in and like family or you're out.

Perhaps I am subconsciously severing ties so that if I move there isn't as much to be done here. Perhaps I am simply acting out. Maybe I'm feeding off the energy of others. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through. I don't know why I am distancing mysef from others...all I know is that, right or wrong, I don't feel bad about it. I feel as though it's the most natural thing to do at this moment in my life.

Another good piece of advice I received, told me that in order to make a fair decision regarding which coast of the country I should reside I needed to compile some data. While I will leave the wildlife samples to those more qualified than I; there is one thing I can do: Partake in all of my favorite activities here while all the fun things there are still fresh in my mind.

In an effort to conduct this experiment, G, Grace and I will be embarking upon a roadtrip tomorrow night. We are going to spend Friday in beautiful and sunny San Diego. G and I will be driving home again on Saturday, but I don't mind if it means seeing my city for just a few hours. It kills me that the last time I was in San Diego I wasn't even allowed off the plane...I watched the city through the thick and smudged windows of the plane. This time I will sit on the Ferry Landing and watch the sun set over my skyline. I can feel the ocean already.

St. Catherine of Alexandria

2006-06-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

I was touched by my very own St. Catherine (the patron saint of libraries) today...though mine is far cooler than the original (I mean no disrespect, I'm just partial to mine). I retrieved the mail this afternoon and to my delight, there was a padded envelope contianing a much anticipated book. MOH was kind enough to send me some new reading material. I am stoked! Can't wait to begin reading.

It appears that we are starting a book trade of sorts. It's like a mail-in library. From what I've seen, MOH has a better selection of books than my local library, so I think I got the good end of this deal! :-)

This evening, I finished Do I Come Here Often? and I'm most of the way through No Place Like Home. I started it on the plane ride back from Tennessee. Don't mock, there aren't a lot of literary choices at the Nashville airport...I picked something more substantial than the trashy romance novels with Fabio on the cover.

Also in my mailbox today was a cd I couldn't wait to get my hands on. Niccola introduced me to their music a few weeks ago, and I must say: I am hooked. I enjoy the tracks, the lyrics and the general sound. Here's how the members of Fredalba describe themselves:

"An artist that knows no boundaries or borders is free to create and expand a genre. So many styles, like musical miles, this is the fever that brought Fredalba together to create our own musical climate. Nourished by Los Angeles, a city whose landscapes are as wide and varied as her cultures, the soul of Fredalba is an amalgamation of this diversity. The underground to the new sound: not a hybrid of styles and ideas colliding, but a marriage of influences where the lines cease to exist." -- "Possibility Through Positivity"

Go listen for yourselves...I am currently enjoying the music and the literary works...Though I really ought to be sleeping...tomorrow will be a long day. On the upside it culminates with a dinner with friends. Yay. Hope ya'll have enough light in your day.

ps...Happy Birthday sissy! Today is Roxy's 27th birthday. Love you!!

What Needs Said

2006-06-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

Pretty much anyone who has read more than a handful of my posts knows that I am one of the most pro-military girls you will come across. I don't believe in Magnetic Patriotism, but I do believe in supporting the men and women of our armed forces in the most real ways I can find. Usually, that means writing letters/Christmas cards, sending care packages, saying thank you whenever possible and doing what i can to get their own words out.

Not too long ago, I came across an editorial letter written by a local soldier that I couldn't help but pass on to all of you.

Just yesterday, I found a post written by another local military man. A bona fide Seal who just happens to be like a little brother to me. I am so proud of poquito rojo as my brothers call him. So, I wanted to tak a few minutes to share his words:

I don't like the war, but I'm sitting here waiting for an IA (Individual Augmentation) to come my way and order me off to the land of the sand people.

It isn't your (or 'our' for that matter) choice whether or not we go to war, the best we can do is suck it up and support the ones that have to deal with the bull shit.

...

When I was back home I didn't think it mattered to the ones that were off and away what was said back in the states. I always thought they were too far away to really care. Now that I'm here and I've seen the effect it can have on the ones here with me, I have come to appreciate what just a little bit of support from home can do. And how much damage even the smallest bit of dissent can cause.

Go read the rest. It's the least we can do when he's giving so much.

PR stay safe. Take care of you...we'll see you soon.

Game Plan

2006-06-03T01:21:00.000-07:00

There is much to say about the last two days, but at this point I don't know how much I am free to discuss outside of my own head. So, here's what I can say: my Saturday is going to be very busy and I couldn't be happier.

In the morning I have to wash Kai and fill up the gas tank (that will be painful) and then I go to pick Niccola up at the airport. We have a coupel of hours to hang out before I have to relinquish her to Daddy Van. I'm not complaining though, I swear!

After I drop Niccola off I have to spend a couple hours doing laundry and baking. I may see Kalohe; but I'm not sure yet. Tomorrow evening I'm going to be hanging out with Dean. We decided that we simply must do something completely random...leaning towards bowling at the minute. hehe. It will be good times whatever we do.

So that's lots of happy stuff...now for the things that made me cranky today...I am currently driving illegally. I do realize I shouldn't say that outloud, but whatever. Kai's tags are expired and the City and DMV are fucking around with me. They want me to pay twice for a fucking parking ticket I got last August for parking in the lot of the building i work in. It's a very touchy subject around the office. Anyway, the two entities have me running in circles and ya'll know how I feel about running as a general rule.

I'm tired, so I am off to sleep...busy day tomorrow and all. Have a great weekend, ya'll.

When the Smoke Clears

2006-06-01T00:48:00.000-07:00


My sissy, TG played me this song the first night I was
with her in Tennessee.Immediately I knew I had found
 my song...the song that perfectly captures how I feel
at this point in my life. Toby is amazing. I've been a
fan since the first single came out but this song right here...

Every Day ~ Toby Lightman

Every day is a struggle
Between what I want to say and what I want to keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

So I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
The smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens every day ... yeah...

Every day is a battle
Between what I want to know
and what I don't want to figure out
And everything in between
in these thoughts of mine
that you know I can't live with out

So I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
The smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming
doesn't repeat everything I've said
All that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens every day ... yeah... oooh...

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
The smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming
doesn't repeat everything I've said
All that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens every day ... this happens every day
This happens every day... yeah...

Let The Sun Shine In

2006-05-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am in such a good mood and my spirit it so very light today. I was up until 6:30 this morning sitting in my living room catching up with Dean who was one of my best friends from high school and whom I hadn't seen since before I moved to San Diego...until last night.

As I've said before, Dean and I were inseparable my sophomore year (his senior) he was my confidante, my protector, and the person who probably knew me best...he's always had a way of looking past the surface of me and straight into my soul....and vice versa. We were each other's 3 am phone call when things got rough...we've been through a lot together.

He's always had his demons...basically if it was trouble, he was in the middle of it. But he's always had an amazing heart and while he's one of the toughest men I've ever met, he is also the gentlest.

Anyway, some stuff went down a couple months before he was to graduate and because he was already 18 the school kicked him out...I was devastated. I felt so lost...anyway, he drifted around for a while and eventually we lost touch...if ever one of us desperately need the other, we would always somehow find the other person.

Until recently, the last time I talked to him I was living in San Diego...he got ahold of my number somehow...neither of us is sure how...but he called me while I was sitting on the beach trying to hold my life together as all the pieces were spinning out of control. Dean knew, long before I told him, exactly what was going on with me.

Then, he was gone again...until about a week before I went to TN. We started talking but life kept intervening so that we didn't have a chance to actually sit down together until last night. Dean and I talked from 9:30pm until 6 this morning. We would have talked longer if my roomates hadn't been getting up to get ready for work already.

It was one of the best nights I can remember. We just picked back up as though nothing had changed between us though we are both far different people now. From the moment I saw him, I felt lighter, more at peace, I felt as though the pieces made sense again.

I've not found any man with whom I feel as safe as I am with Dean. No one else has ever made me feel quite so cared about or understood...not even Clark. As close as Clark adn I were emotionally, spiritually and mentally it was never as unclouded as it was with Dean.

Dean and I were never anything other than friends...though much of our high school would have begged to differ. But I am so thankful that I have him in my life again, even if he's only passing through. As long as Dean and his quiet spirit walk this earth I know that all things are possible.

Always Thankful

2006-05-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am always thankful for our wonderful military in this country. I try to make use of every opportunity I have to say thank you rather than waiting until a "properly designated" day. That said, I have no words to properly articulate the meaning of this day. It is all I can do to say thank you to the men and women in uniform serving our country. So, i will leave it to others who can say it better than I:

"The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." ~G.K. Chesterton

"All men are timid on entering any fight. Whether it is the first or the last fight, all of us are timid. Cowards are those who let their timidity get the better of their manhood." ~George Patton

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." ~George Orwell

"There are some who've forgotten why we have a military. It's not to promote war; it's to be prepared for peace." ~Ronald Reagan

"The battle is now joined on many fronts. We will not waver; we will not tire; we will not falter; and we will not fail." ~George W. Bush

Now, go read what Ms. Joan and Ms. Beth have to say.

Soundtrack of my Life

2006-05-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know I haven't been writing much of anything intensely personal or heartfelt recently. I will get back to that...but for now, here's what I've been listening to...in question form. There is no tag here, though if anyone else wanted to share their own music choices, that would be cool. I might even learn something...Ms. Judy did this one and as a result of her answers I found the artist of a song that I can never seem to remember. (It's Edie Brickell by the way)

soundtrack - oh, sure, why not?
Body: 1-Put your music player on shuffle.
2-Press forward for each question.
3-Use some of the song lyrics as the answer to the question.
No cheating!

How am I feeling today?:
Everyday - Toby Lightman
Everything is a struggle between what I want to say and what I should keep to myself...I'll see better when the smoke clears inside my head and I'll listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said. All that remains is me and who I am at the end of the day.

Will I get far in life?:
Kerosene - Miranda Lambert
I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad. Life ain't hard but it's too long to live it like a country song

How do my friends see me?:
Bad Day - Daniel Powter
You tell me your blue sky's faded to gray,
you say your passion's gone away
and I don't need no carrying on

Where will I get married?:
Carry on Wayward Son - Kansas
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune

What is my best friend's theme song?:
Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you fallin'
I know it's out there, I know it's out there
And I can feel you fallin'

What is the story of my life?:
Cherish the Day - Sade
i cherish the day
i won't go astray
i won't be afraid
you won't catch me running

What was highschool like?:
Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot
Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36, ha ha
Only if she's 5'3"
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun

How am I going to get ahead in life?:
I Know Why - Sheryl Crow
Tell me why the road keeps turning
When everything you want is straight ahead
And every thing I thought worth learning
Is forgotten when I see your face instead

What is the best thing about me?:
Pony - Kasey Chambers
When I grow up I wanna pony
When I grow up I wanna baby
When I grow up I wanna cowboy
When I grow up I'll be a lady

How is today going to be?:
Waste My Time - Blu Cantrell
Why do I waste me time you,(why waste my time)
giving you the loving that you don't deserve
and if I had the chance to think it through
I probably wouldn't waste my time on you

What is in store for this weekend?:
High Lonesome - Jedd Hughes
It's been forever since I've seen you
The grass still isn't any greener
On the other side
Someone told me live and learn
Play with fire and you'll get burned
And i did, now, I'm payin the price

What song describes my parents?:
Volvo Driving Soccer Mom - Everclear
I think that they moved out to the suburbs
And now they're blonde, bland, middle-class Republican wives
They've got blonde, bland, middle-class Republican children
Blonde, bland, middle-class Republican lives

My grandparents?:
Charmed Life - Mike Ness
And I say, "Even in the worst of times
against all odds,
I seem to have led a charmed life."

How is my life going?:
The Good Kind - The Wreckers
You forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak
Yeah,yeah
And you think you know
And I would like to think so...
I'm tired of hiding behind these blind eyes
I'm tired of this smile that even I don't recognize

What song will play at my funeral?:
Boondocks - Little Big Town
It's where I learned about livin
It's where I learned about love
It's where I learned about workin hard
And havin a little was just enough
It's where I learned about Jesus
And knowin where I stand
You can take it or leave it
This is me, this is who I am

How does the world see me?:
Never Saw Blue - Hayley Westenra
Some things are the way they are
And words just cant explain...
And it feels like now
And it feels always and it feels like coming home

Will I have a happy life?:
So Blu - Blu Cantrell
Trying to find someone that loves me more than their bling bling
Trying to be a wife
Trying to make a life
Trying to get in touch with my spirtual side
Trying to have your back
Trying to help you stack
Trying to be your strength when you know you lack
Lord, I need a change
Lord, tell me you feel my pain

What do my friends really think of me?:
Spin - Lifehouse
And when the world keeps spinning round
My worlds upside down
and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found
you and I wouldn't change a thing

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Walking Away - Craig David
Sometimes some people get me wrong,
when it's something I've said or done
Sometimes you feel there is no fun,
that's why you turn and run
But now I truly realize,
some people don't want to compromise

How can I make myself happy?:
Luxury Liner - Jedd Hughes
If I don't find my baby now
I guess I never will
I've been a long lost soul
For a long, long time
Yeah Ive been around
Everybody ought to know whats on my mind
You think I'm lonesome, so do I

What should I do with my life?:
Let Go - Barlow Girl
Cuz Im about to let go
and live what I believe
I cant do a thing now
But trust that youll catch me
Cuz Im about to let go
and live what I believe
I cant do a thing now
But trust that youll catch me
When I let go

Will I ever have children?:
Stupid Girls - Pink
I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see

What is some good advice for me?:
Lot of Leavin' Left to Do - Dierks Bentley
Girl, you look like you might be an angel,
So I wont lie.
I could love you like the devil if you wanted me to tonight,
And we could talk about forever for a day or two,
But I still got a lot of leavin left to do.

What is my signature dancing song?:
Lose This Life - Tait
Lost, so lost
Somewhere in the dead of night
Drifting like a satellite
Spinnin' out of control
But love, Your love
Is stronger than gravity
And it's pullin at the heart of me
And I'm giving in

What do I think my current theme song is?
Black Horse and a Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall
well my heart knows me better than i know myself
so i'm gonna let it do all the talking.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
with a big black horse and a cherry tree.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Dust in the Wind - Kansas
Now, don't hang on;
Nothing lasts forever
But the earth and sky;
It slips away,
And all your money
Won't another minute buy.

What type of men/women do you like?:
Leave it Inside - Toby Lightman
I see no need to go through the same situation
Always so complicated with these relations so I got to get away
Knowing that my heart will stray
Handling more than I can
Why the same old story again

Tag 6

2006-05-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Ms. Judy so here is my list.

The first player of this game starts with "6 weird things/habits about yourself." In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things, stating this rule clearly, and tagging six more victims. Don't forget to leave your victims a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours.

Here are my six:

1. My irrational fears include: garden gnomes, green parrots and peep holes in doors.

2. I always "kiss the roof" when I drive through a yellow light. Yes I do actually think it helps keep me from tickets.

3. I am incapable of making easy mac...it's not a snobbery issue...I really can't make it.

4. If you ask me what time it is, my brain simultaneously tells Cali time and Iraq time.

5. Sometimes my dreams are more vivid than my reality.

6. Easy listening and new age music that is supposed to relax you puts me on edge really fast...same for a lot of big band music...Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock calm me...

As for tagging, well I'm not gonna, but if you wanna share your own neurotic behaviors, I'd love to hear them.

Back to Cali

2006-05-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm now back in Cali and trying to get back into the swing of life here. My trip was wonderful, emotional and over far too soon.

I spent most of the week with my grandparents. It was a relaxing and illuminating experience. G-ma and i sat and talked for hours every day over seemingly endless cups of Newfie tea. I visited with great aunts that I hadn't seen since I was a small child and a few cousins I hadn't seen for years either.

I spent my last weekend at my sister's house. It was chaotic and loud and fantastic. My little ones are getting so very big! Lil Bit is speaking clearly and and all the time now. Even Baby Gan is growing up. He talks quite a bit too. My Bana Bear is almost as tall as I am and C Man is taller than me by more than a few inches.

It was really good to spend time with George and Elizabeth as well. I hadn't seen them in way too long and as soon as the five of us (TG, James, George, Elizabeth and I) were together it was as though no time had passed.

We had a mini house party on Friday night and "Cookie got drunk at Vogue". I was mixing drinks (I introduced the boys to Irish Car Bombs) and ended up drinking a whole bottle (granted it was the smaller size) of Kahlua all by myself. Good times. I called MOH in the middle of my evening to share stories and the lightning storm.

I so love lightning storms. I'm not much for rain...but thunder and lightning definitely make me happy. I sat outside watching the lighning and the fire flies. It was wonderfully relaxing.

I have much more to say, but unfortunately no more time to say it at the moment. I will try to get caught up soon. Plus, I have been tagged by the wonderful Ms. Judy and I need to respond.

All Me...

2006-05-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I don't have time to write all about my trip right now, besides I'm still on it. ;-) More to follow. but for now, here is a survey from Rie.

10 Favorites
Favorite Season: Summer
Favorite Color: deep purple
Favorite Time: Sunset
Favorite Food: G-ma E's cajun red beans and rice
Favorite Drink: Tan Hawaiian (Kahlua and milk)
Favorite Ice Cream: Cherry Garcia from Ben and Jerry's
Favorite Place: Ensenada or the Ferry Landing in Coronado
Favorite Sport: Football
Favorite Actor: I only get one?? Jared Leto, Nathan Fillion and Viggo Mortensen are a few of my favorites
Favorite Actress: Angelina Jolie, Lauren Graham and Audrey Hepburn

9 Currents
Current Feeling: exhausted but light
Current Drink: coffee
Current Time: 10:57 est
Current Show on tv: Not currently watching tv
Current Mobile used: Sony Ericsson (It's old...really old)
Current Windows Open: gmail and blogger
Current Underwear: army green thong
Current Clothes: low rise faded jeans, green billabong polo and brown leather flip flops
Current Thought: Do I reall have to go home tomorrow?

8 Firsts
First Nickname: munchkin
First Kiss: age 14, Lane...I don't remember where we were or why...
First Crush: JM, he is still one of the hottest boys I know.
First Best Friend: JM. We were inseparable...he asked me to marry him when we were 4 and again when we were 6...I should have just married him. lol
First Vehicle I Drove: Honda civic
First Job: nanny
First Date: is it bad that I don't actually remember?? It was with Daniel...that should count for something
First Pet: A dog named Missi

7 Lasts
Last Drink: coffee
Last Kiss: Kalohe
Last Meal: biscuits and gravy
Last Web Site Visited: gmail
Last Movie Watched: fantastic 4 with my nieces
Last Phone Call: I called my mommy to tell her congrats on her masters degree (she graduated yesterday)
Last TV show Watched: Fastlane (yeah buddy!!)

6 Have You Evers
Have You Ever: Broken the Law: I'm not answering this
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Oh yeah!
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire: Yes
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes
Have You Ever Broken Anyones Heart: not that i know of

5 Things
Things You Can Hear Right Now: sissy on the phone, the kids playing games and the dog running around
Things On Your Bed: I don't know...I haven't seen my bed in a week
Things You Ate Today: coffee, water, biscuits and gravy
Things You Can't Live Without: LOVE
Things You Do When You Are Bored: I don't have time to be bored...but I go driving, watch movies, go see friends

4 Places You Have Been Today
I'm lame, I haven't gone anywhere yet

3 Things On Your Desk Right Now
I don't have a dest right now, but this table has pictures, a camera and a beer can

2 Choices
Black or White: Black
Hot or Cold: hot

1 Place You Want To Visit
Just one, huh? Hmmm...French Polynesia (I'm keeping this answer...I hear BoraBora is nice this time of year)

2006-05-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

Present Pet Peeves

2006-05-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

Oy! It's a good thing that today is Friday and that tomorrow I begin my vacation. This week at work has put way more stress on me than is healthy. This time tomorrow, I will be changing planes at LAX...a sad commentary that I'd rather be there than here. hehe. Anyway, my vacation hasn't started yet, therefore, I am annoyed. Here's a short list.

Idiots who drive with the tops up on their convertibles when it's 82 and sunny. (If you can't figure out what to do with your convertible, give it to me...I'll show you how it's done)

People who drive with their blinker on for multiple city blocks; then come to a full and complete stop before turning their compact car into a driveway designed for a semi-truck.

Receptionists who don't answer the phone because they are, "busy and it interrupts what I'm doing to answer the phone." (Cuz you get that option? Seriously?)

Loan companies that fucker up your deferment and threaten you with late charges on a loan they chose to defer

Grandfathers...mine mainly...not anyone else's...yet. Direct quote from mine a few minutes ago: "Your grandmother still seems to miss all you out there. It's like she can't get over it. It's really affecting her whole attitude about Tennessee." For the record, he said this in a tone of voice that implied that I oughta be sympathetic to his side.

Oy! At least it's Friday. So, what's bugging you guys today?

All Hail the Internet

2006-05-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

As Holden would say: "The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another." Gotta love Jay and Silent Bob. Moving on, anyway, the last couple of weeks the internet has brought back into my life, several people that I had lost contact with.

The most recent, as in a few minutes ago, was my friend, Dean. I know I don't mention him much; but really it's because until now it was a painful subject. When he disappeared from my life (and everyone else's for that matter) it broke my heart. It's been four years since I talked to him last...until today.

First there was the requisite "OMG!! I haven't heard from you in forever" email. And then my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, so I assumed it would be Dean. From the first "Hey" I heard, I felt like I was home. I knew right then and there that whatever happens next is immaterial...I know that everything will be ok. Just hearing his voice has always made me feel that way.

He was my protector, my security, my sounding board and my confidante. Many of the good qualities I possess today are because of him. He pushed me to be the best person I can be. He taught me about compassion and quiet strength...and he taught me to love without judgement.

When Dean disappeared from my life, it was as if the sky opened up and rain poured out onto my soul...today the clouds opened again only this time they revealed sun. This kind of light is exactly what the circle has needed for quite some time. There will be much more darkness in our future...but I no longer worry about it. I have my faith renewed...my prodigal friend has come home and finally the pieces will fit into place.

Some Things

2006-05-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

Today I have had somewhat of a writer's block. I can't seem to order my thoughts. Being sick has kicked my lupus into high gear. That means not only is every part of my body causing me pain, but my skin is crawling on the inside. It's definitely not my favorite feeling.

Anyway, back to the writer's block. I have been reading Miss Amelie's blog for a while and I decided that she has some great ideas...one of which I am going to appropriate. I hope she doesn't mind too terribly. I decided that I will share ten random facts about myself...things that many of you probably don't yet know about me. So here goes:

I used to speak fluent Spanish and while i was in college I taught myself latin. I also know enough French and Hawaiian to get myself into trouble

I dream in Spanish when I'm really tired

Most of my friends growing up were guys. Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.

Lancers are my favorite car...if I had a million dollars to spend on a car...I would still buy a Lancer....it would be the Ralliart Edition though or the Evo VIII. (I don't like the new ones)

I love to bake but I HATE eating whatever I have baked. I much prefer to watch others eat.

I've gotten the suicide call from someone I loved. I was 15. (He's actually ok as far as I know)

I got out of running stadiums in high school because I bet my PE teacher I could out bench her...I did and she didn't make me do staduims for the rest of the year

I love to wear tall heels. I learned to walk in stilettos by watching RuPaul.

When I was little I wanted to grow up to be either She-Ra, Princess of Power or Susanna Hoffs, lead singer of the Bangles

My favorite book from childhood was “To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street” by Dr. Seuss…I demanded that it be read to me at least three times a day

diamonds and guns

2006-05-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Watch Video:

DIAMONDS & GUNS (Transplants)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

"Diamonds And Guns" By Transplants

I love this damn song. Hearing the track just puts me in a better mood. I do realize that the lyrics would conflict with a happy image. But the first time I heard this song was watching Fastlane. We're talkin Peter Facinelli with guns and fast cars...yeah, it doesn't get much better than that.

Happy Saturday ya'll. Hope you had a safe Cinco de Mayo.

What I Am

2006-05-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

My darling Rie tagged me, so here it is.

I AM: a good friend. very articulate. stronger than I think. more stubborn than I should be.
I WANT: a job that pays all my bills in the same month. true love. kids.
I WISH: for love, happiness and good health....for everyone in my life.
I HATE: mornings. slow drivers. hypocrites. pretention.
I MISS: having breakfast with g-ma every morning. the ocean. waking up next to someone. Santanas.
I FEAR: lawn gnomes, green parrots, suffocation, losing people I love.
I HEAR: copier. Shaggy singing Angel. typing.
I WONDER: where I will be in five years.
I REGRET: nothing. I live my life without regret. I've made some bad choices in my life, but they have shaped who I am.
I AM NOT: as intelligent as my father. patient. insincere. currently in love.
I DANCE: to all kinds of music in my own home...sometimes it's just to cheer up my roomates.
I SING: all the time. to whatever is on. everywhere except the dinner table.
I CRY: when I am frustrated. when I'm lonely. when pictures of him with his daughter catch me off guard
I AM NOT ALWAYS: brave. as kind as I should be. as happy as I appear
I MAKE: people laugh. really good brownies. big mistakes. promises that I keep.
I WRITE: my feelings. advice I wish had been given to me.
I CONFUSE: myself. sometimes others.
I NEED: love. laughter. music. a strong man. to keep learning.
I HAVE: too many pairs of flip flops. a big heart. amazing friends. MOH.
I LOVE: sunsets over the ocean. driving fast. hearing men speak hawaiian. my family and friends. him, I always will.
I SHOULD: lose 15 pounds. work out more. shop less. tell the people I care about "I love you" more than I do.
I TAG: I don't usually tag people, but I would love to see what ya'll have to say. I want to see everyone's so to get the ball rolling, I tag: Amelie, Chrissy, Judy, Bette and Crazy Bastard

Feliz Cinco de Mayo a todos

2006-05-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

y Feliz Aniversario a mi!!

Today is the one year anniversary of Musings of an Empress. It seems like it's been a lot longer than that though I suppose it's just been a busy year.

I'm not going to ramble on about all the things that this year has brought. But, I would like to take a moment to point out all the wonderful blogs on my blogroll. Without exception, these fantastic people have encouraged me when I needed it and kicked my ass when I needed that too. Ya'll are the reason I'm still here since I rarely think I have anything of real value to say. hehe.

Anyway, thanks ya'll. And happy blogeversary to me.

Have a wonderful and safe Cinco de Mayo all!! If you're in the area, come visit me tonight, I'll probably be working.

Oy with the Poodles

2006-05-04T17:32:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to describe how tired I am of getting sick. It is beyond annoying and i don't have the time, energy or money to be sick much more this year. I got sent home from work today after two hours. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my employers care whether or not i am well; but I have to work! The world doesn't care if I was ill, the bills still have to be paid. Fortunately, Jean loves me a lot and brought me soup. Yay! I am feeling better than i did this morning; but I have got to kick this fever so i can work tomorrow.

Enough ranting about that. Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. Not that i celebrate it as a holiday, but since i do live in Cali, there will be celebrations all around me. I may have to work tomorrow night if A gets slammed...I know they aren't bringing in any extra help for her.

My countdown for visiting Tennessee and g-ma is now into single digits. WooHoo!!! I am so very excited. And, from what i hear this trip is coming none too soon. G-ma is trying to decide how many tickets she will need in August...very strange to think about it that way. It's entirely possible that she will only need one. But as she would say, "I'm not gonna go borrowing trouble." I will just look forward to seeing them all in 9 days. :-)

Youth Day

2006-05-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday was Youth Day. That means nothing to anyone who lives outside this area but if you live in a small town, odds are you have a festival very much like Youth Day. Around here, it's little more than an excuse for the entire town to be drunk in public without repercussions.

Anyway, G and her sissy were tending for A who was out of town. Youth Day is always wild and crazy so they even brought in an extra bouncer to help Kalohe out. I knew that if I wanted a spot inside the bar I had to be there early...I also figured I would need to help out if they got slammed.

And slammed we were, from 10:15 on we were packed! There were times when the line of people ordering drinks was three deep at the bar. I bar backed for about five hours. It took all of us to keep up with demeand.

It was exhausting, but fun all the same. Kinda like old times revisited. G hadn't been back to tend on a Saturday since she quit in December. The band was good. MOH, you would have appreciated the lead singer's song who did a damn good cover of Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah.

The rundown of Saturday, in numbers:

5 -- hours I worked in 4in heels

4 -- number of tequila shots and drinks spilled on me

3 -- number of men who asked to take me home

2 -- number of plastic party cups I had thrown at me

1 -- number of marriage proposals I recieved

0 -- number of glasses/cups/shots that I spilled or dropped

In reference to the men asking to take me home I have a funny story. It goes something like this: I'm working (doing dishes at this point, i had just cocktailed and had tons of glasses to restock) and there are two drunk friends sitting across from me on the other side of the bar.

Drunk #1: You're really pretty
Drunk #2: Yeah you are
Me: Aww, thanks guys. How are ya'll doing tonight
Drunk #2: We're good, getting drunk is good
Drunk #1: I wanna take you home tonight
Me: hehehe no thanks hon
Drunk #1: But I want to take you home with me
Drunk #2: Yeah he really wants you to go home with him
Drunk #1: See, I really do. You should come home with me
Me: That's sweet guys, but not gonna happen
Drunk #1: So you aren't gonna come home with me?
Me: Nope, sorry not gonna happen
Drunk #1: Then will you at least let me leave you a tip?

He left me a good tip too...but he seems to have the concept a bit backwards. But that's fine, I'll take his money. hehehe. G, Sissy and I were laughing so hard over that.

Insomnia Strikes Again

2006-05-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I can't sleep...

English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I
can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon
intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You
have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly!
Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 65% on Beginner
You scored higher than 39% on Intermediate
You scored higher than 41% on Advanced
You scored higher than 81% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by Ok Cupid

Hehehe it's a good thing I know my grammar...otherwise my job would be much more difficult.

Finding Faith

2006-05-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

For a friend who is struggling right now. Hang in there sweetie. It will get better. Everything will fall into place exactly as it should.

Let Go ~ Barlow Girl

Yeah I trust in you
I remember times you led me
This time it’s bigger now
and I’m afraid you’ll let me down
But how can I be certain?
Will you prove yourself again?

Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me?
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along you’ve shown
your plans are better than my own
And I know I won’t make it
If I do this all alone

Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe

I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
When I let go

**the weekend update will follow this evening**

Doing a Happy Dance

2006-04-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

I am finally back at work after an eventful morning. The swearing-in ceremony went well (even if it did run a tad long) I'm excited to see what new things this chief will implement and how he plans to clean up the former chief's mess.

Why do we despise the former chief (aka Satan) so much? Well, there are a variety of reasons; one of the most prominent being that he attempted to impune my Dad and JD's integrity. You can say many things about both of those men, but their integrity is not something wither of them have ever taken lightly.

I've written before about all the drama JD has had with the chief in regards to promotions/union activities and the like. As a side-note, JD's case goes to trial next month. Should be a good ruling, but we'll have to wait and see for sure.

I haven't talked much about my Dad's involvement. My dad is a quiet and determined man. He has a gentle spirit, but don't even make the mistake of viewing his quietness as weakness. My dad is about as tough as they come. He has great leadershp ability (though he would disagree) and people not only trust him, but they follow him. I could make a good size list of firefighters he has mentored in his 30 years with this department. JD is just one of them.

My dad has been active on the union and negotiations boards for as long as I can remember. He was and is a good dad; but his work has always not only followed him home but ingrained itself into everyday life. Until very recently, he has lived and breathed two things: the fire department and his family. He has sacrificed of himself for years to take care of the firefighters as a group and in turn the safetyof this community.

So, all that said, someone coming through and claiming my father to be underhanded and a liar didn't sit well with me, nor other members of the department. Add to that the shady hiring and promoting practices of Satan and the fact that he deliberately deceived the residents of this town in order to get an initiative passed that diverts money to the fire department the way he wanted not the ways they needed it.

Ok, end rant. It is more than sufficient to say that I am both thrilled and relieved that we officially have the new Chief as of 11:35am. (Not that I was keeping track or anything.) Gonna go do a happy dance after work to celebrate. It's my night...starting tomorrow I am the designated driver for several firefighters whose celebrations will most likely last through the weekend.

Vin Vin Vin

2006-04-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is the short version. I am on day four of a killer migraine. There isn't enough Vinvin in the known universe and yet, I am still at work. We are swamped here and it doesn't look like things will be changing much in the next week or so.

My birthday was awesome!! I had so much fun. Thanks everyone who came out or wished me well. It was a memorable time. Yes, Cookie was drunk at Vogue and it was wonderful. I sang karaoke (I broke my rule and sang drunk...it was Sir Mix-a-lot, what was I to do?) and I only drunk dialed one person.

No not who ya'll are thinking. I didn't talk to either JD or Clark and in retrospect that's probably all for the better. I was surrounded by people who love me and I couldn't ask for more.

This year is going to be a good one; I feel it already.

I will write more once I get to feeling better. I need all the brain power I can get just to get through work right now.

Gettin' Older All the Time

2006-04-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today, as of 4:47am, I am officially 25. It's been a good day so far.

I have no deep reflections to record right now. Those will come later, I'm sure. For now, I'm glad to be done with 24 and I am ready to move forward.

Time to start a new year. Have a great weekend, ya'll!!

Precious Illusions

2006-04-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

I have decided that this year is the year to shed all of the remaining "illusions" in favor of allowing the world to see more of the real me. I'm tired of the games, the politics, and the smokescreens.

You'll rescue me, right? in the exact same way they never did.
I'll be happy, right? When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me, right? Then my life can finally begin.
I'll be worthy, right? Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet,
as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

But this won't work now the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
Though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I know who I'm not. I know who I am. And I know that I will find my way. I come closer all the time. It would be nice to have a knight by my side, but I've learned that I can slay dragons on my own...and if I can't, I know that I have MOH and my girls with me every step of the way.

It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte tells the others: "Don't laugh at me, but maybe we can be each other's soulmates. And then we could let men just be these great nice guys to have fun with."

This year is a big one for me, I am learning more about myself, who I am, and who I want to become. No more illusions. And maybe, along the way, there will be one of those great nice guys to have fun with.

Some Sadness

2006-04-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

I got the call this morning that I was hoping not to get. My dad called to tell me that grandpa has taken a turn for the worse. It appears that he is not responding to the cancer medication. He is in an incredible amount of pain and hasn't been sleeping much as of late. They go back to the doctor's next week and he will probably start aggressive chemo...that is, if he decides to do anything at all.

G-ma is having a very difficult time. Her spirits are pretty low and she's aging rapidly...caring for my grandpa has just worn her out. She'd be okay if she wasn't carrying the weight of half of the family in addition to her own worries. But, bitching about the extended family is not my point right now.

My dad said that after talking to g-ma, he thinks we'll be lucky to have grandpa much longer than July. I plan to go back for a week next month, and it appears that the timing is just about perfect for when g-ma will need me. I will arrive on the heels of my aunt's departure and will myself be departing just days before my g-ma's best friend arrives for a visit. I'm also putting together a trip for my dad to go see them in June. He plans to fly back home about the same time they leave, possibly even traveling with them.

It's been a very, very long day, and it's not even close to over yet. The one bright spot is that I am going to my very first professional basketball game tonight. I am going to the King's last home game of the season. I'm stoked. Maybe it will help me pull out of this funk. It can't hurt...

Little Words

2006-04-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I'm not as good of an actress as I thought. I've been on the down-ward spiral of a manic swing for the last couple weeks. Most people (even those close to me...cept you, MOH, of course) haven't noticed. It's more difficult to tell with me than with others. See, my lows look like a balanced person's normal.

My normal is like a balanced person's happy and my manic...well it's a bit overwhleming to some the first time they experience it.

Anyway, I've been down for a while and I can't seem to pull out of it. I do a pretty good job of not letting people see that side of me. It's not that I want to be two people; rather, I got tired of being labeled melodramatic because my down doesn't appear to be all that down. I don't actually get despondant when I'm really low.

Mostly, I just get really quiet. I get a little withdrawn and mainly I just appear subdued. That's why many people don't take notice. It's very easy for me to convince others that I am just tired...or I just don't have much to say...or any number of answers.

People believe me for a couple reasons.

pushing me to "be happy" won't get you anywhere
I don't seem to be that upset. Maybe I am just tired
Finally, people don't seem to know how to react to me when I'm subdued. I'm not scary, it's just not what people are used to seeing from me.

Anyway, the point is, I was called out three times in as many days about my emotional/chemical state. Just yesterday, a family friend, whom I dearly love, asked me how I was. I answered that I was good. She looked at me and said, "No you're not. You're quiet, really quiet and that means you're having a tough time."

I managed a small smile and replied that yes, indeed I was having a down couple of days but I was alright. The friend smiled back and said, "Well Audrey, know that we love you. Period. Regardless, we love you. Just know that."

It was so simple, so sincere and almost made me cry right then and there. I'm not out of it yet, and this isn't a plea for public outpourings of "You'll be ok". Plattitudes are not what I seek. However, her words meant a lot to me at the moment they were received. I am a bit lighter today.

The sun is out for the second day in a row and I am hopeful that I will feel like myself before this week is up.

"Lose This Life" By Tait

restless

2006-04-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have an overwhelming desire to get in my car and drive to the City. I have absolutely no plans once I get there...I just want to go. This time of the year always makes me want to drive to the City. The sun is out but it's not hot yet. It's perfect...and I'm stuck inside...

Sigh...maybe I can escape for a little while...at the very least, I can continue to day dream when I look out the window...and visualize the ocean and the sand...

Sun is Shining

2006-04-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

"Sun Is Shining (The Island Mix)" By Bob Marley
Sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah
Make you wanna move your dancing feet now
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y'all, can you understand?

When the mornin´ gather the rainbow, yeah, yeah
Want you to know, I'm a rainbow too now
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y'all, can you, can you, can you understand?

Sun is shining, the weather is sweet now
Make you wanna move your dancing feet, yeah
But to the rescue, here I am
Want you to know just if you can,
here I stand, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Can you understand me now, baby?
Do you believe me?

The sun is out today and for the first time in weeks the temperature is in the 70's. It almost feels like Cali again. If only it was Friday already...c'est la vie. Back to work I go. Perhaps, if I'm lucky, I will be able to get out of here while the sun is still out.

You're Invited

2006-04-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ok well technically, I'm invited. But ya'll get to share vicariously. The other day, I opened the mail to find one of the best invitations I have ever received. It read:

The City of ********** Invites you to join us for the Fire Chief Change of Command. Current Fire Chief Lucifer "The Prince of Darkness" Beelzebub will be retiring effective April 30, 2006. On May 1, 2006, Deputy Fire Chief Michael the archangel of light will assume command as the Fire Chief for the City of ********.

Of course the use of italics is at my discretion. I must say, the mood around that department is getting more light by the day...dare I say some are almost giddy. I have already made plans for the 30th to chauffer several inebriated firefighters home after the celebration.

There is actually a countdown posted at one of the stations that reads: "xx days until Satan's demise." hehehe This department has been through hell the last few years...it's such a relief that it's finally coming to an end.

JD will finally be able to relax a little (well after the hearings are over with in a couple more months. On that note, I've done the research and JD shouldn't have any problems coming out on top); my dad can stop working on that ulcer; and the rest of the good guys can stop worrying about losing promotions because of their completely legal union activities.

I have already started practicing my happy dance. This day is several years in the making...only 18 more days. WooHoo!! That count actually brightened an otherwise gray and gruesome day around here.

More updates to follow as the time draws nearer. :-D

Local Boy Doing Good

2006-04-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

When I was reading in the local paper this morning I came across this letter to the Editor. It touched me, so I decided to share it with ya'll. This guy is from my hometown.

A View From Iraq

I have been reading articles in The Daily Democrat online that suggest the support for our troops and our war in Iraq is fading or is lost. I am here to say that ... well, it's OK. It's OK because you can bet your life that we still support you.

All 138,000 of us support the citizens of [this] County and every other county in our 50 states. We do it without the support of many of you and that's OK. We do it because somebody had to.

We do it because we want to. We do it for our mothers and fathers, our wives and our brothers and sisters. We do it for reasons that most of you will never know or understand. They are not reasons that most of you make "sacrifices" for.

They are not for an extra day off or more money. We don't have 401k plans or overtime. We don't have sick days. We have leadership, discipline and honor. We have heart and valor. In the end it is obvious that we have each other. By each other I mean every man or women who has defended this great country.

The country where you can sit in the comfort of your home, knowing that enemies from other countries are not going to attack your city with soldiers and take away your rights. Do any of you know why they won't? Well it isn't because they are afraid of what you may say in some overrated poll. No it's us, the military. They know that if they dared attack our cities we would not only fight, but we would fight with such vengeance that no man has ever seen.

I am a former citizen of [this town]. I say former as I joined the Army in 1990 after graduating from [the local] High School.

Since then I have traveled this world. I have been to Germany, Italy, Spain, Hungarian, Poland, Switzerland, Netherlands, France, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Qatar and more places that I can't spell or pronounce. I have been to all these places and every time I assemble in them all I can think about is how great it would be to be home in the states.

I have made real sacrifices in my life. Giving up better money to stay in a fight another day. Giving up stability in my life to lead one more soldier, knowing that one soldier could be something great. I've given up more than most of you will ever have. I'm not your stereotypical soldier. I have a degree, top secret clearance and have more experience in real life police situations than some entire police departments combined. This is my second time in Iraq. I served in Desert Storm as an MP. I was 19 then and had the same views of the military as now. I have never been a person who feels unappreciated. I don't need your support to complete my mission. All I need is the support of my family, which I have.

Go ahead and continue to put our war down and trash it as you will. But just remember that we will still support you no matter what you say. We will continue to fight and die if necessary.

We wouldn't have it any other way. You can believe that we don't sit around polling ourselves as to how we feel or how high on the complainometer we rate. We are warriors and you are not. End of story. We are willing to die for what we believe in. That is real! As real as it gets. So when you see us on the street be aware that we know who you are. Don't be afraid, we hold no grudges. We are just happy to be back in the country we fought for. See that's sacrifice.

So feel free to poll all you want. Go out and join Cindy Sheehan's crusade. It won't change the fact that we are here until the job is done and that's still a ways away.

But if you really want to help, lend your support to someone in the military other than me. Like I said before I'm supported by my family. Maybe Sheehan's son could use some support, his support has forgotten who her son was and that he volunteered for this mission, but what can you expect from a newly non-elected politician.

Wherever he is now he could use some support from people who care. So let your support for him and the others like him be heard. It's a tough time right now, but again we wouldn't have it any other way.

- Jerry Frasier is an Army "special agent," stationed at Camp Slayer, Iraq. He reports that his father, is a two-time Vietnam veteran and now retired California police officer; and his mother, works at the County Courthouse.

Day for Reflection

2006-04-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my other half's birthday. I had every intention of posting this on time...early even; but life being the ever unpredictable creature that it is, took precedence. I didn't, however, want her day to go unnoticed. So, I'ma take just a minute now to tell ya'll about a fantastic woman who is my other half.

We haven't known each other for our whole lives, and we aren't what you would traditionally call best friends; but we are the other half of one another. To explain who we are, think about a coin...she is one side and I am the other. We are different in alomost every way imaginable. You could never mistake one of us for the other (well unless you got caught in the cross-fire of our minds) but neither could you mistake us as completely separate entities. From either side, you see a complete person but to see that person's entirety of being, you have to see both sides.

She is so many things that I am not. When I'm scared, she's brave. When I'm confused, she is absolutely certain. If I'm lost, she has several paths for me to choose from. We are truly complimentary. She resides in darkness, I reside in light. When she loses hope, I have steadfast faith. Whatever pain, sickness or exhaustion exists is shared. So too are the happy times.

We are also brutally honest with one another in a way that few know or understand. I know that whatever happens, MOH is on my team...more than that, she doesn't stand behind me, she stands next to me. I don't need words for her to understand me and vice versa. There is no one I would rather walk with through life's twists and turns.

MOH, may this year be just the beginning of a fabulous decade. It's finally you time to shine...I have every confidence that this is the start of great things. I love you.

no words

2006-04-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

Fire and Fight

2006-04-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

I was reading some Rollins tonight and I came across this poem from the fantastic book One From None and it immediately made me think of Clark. When he came over the other night, he sat on my couch and we talked about his redeployment...it's only a matter of time...we both know that. Honestly, I want him to go back. I know that at first glance that statement seems like a horrible thing to say; especially about someone you love. But I want him to go back because I love him. I know that it's what he needs.

All my war stories are old
They hang like old clothes in the closet
No one wants to hear old war stories
It's all I have right now
My mouth flops dry in the air
I am in this room pacing the floors
Sun up sun down grinding my teeth
Jumping at shadows waiting
I don't want to think about that old war anymore
It's driving me up the wall with bad insanity
I need a new war
High on war

I knew the first day Clark was with me in Washington that he would go back. He swore up and down that day that no matter what, he would never let them deploy him again because it would mean leaving me. But I knew, deep down, as I sat in his lap on the floor of our hotel room that he would go back. Not only would he go back, it would be his choice. He wouldn't turn down any mission they gave him; in fact he would volunteer. I saw it in his eyes...felt it in his soul.

I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew that it would. Sometimes I think I know him entirely too well. We're a lot alike, he and I. When we feel that we have a purpose, we stop at nothing to accomplish it. Come hell or high water or both, that mission will be completed. His isn't finished yet, not by a long shot. We both have quite a ways to go but I have faith that we'll reach the end intact.

I feel the need in him to go back getting stronger all the time. It's painful, but I wouldn't trade it because it's who he is. When the time comes, he'll go. All the promises, hopes and dreams will be tossed aside in favor of duty. I've always known that about him.

For him, coming home was like a boxer who is forced out of the ring before the match is over. For the boxer, one of two things will happen. He will either lose the fire in his eyes and soul and become a shell of a man. Or, he will find a way (the means will be immaterial) to get back into the ring. If he makes it into the ring,he will fight and fight until it's completed. Only then will he emerge a whole man capable of maintaining the fire and light in his soul.

Far Away -- Nickleback

2006-04-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Clark showed up on my doorstep last night. He wasn't the last person I expected to see...but he was definitely up there on the list. It was okay...no major drama...nothing earth-shattering. It was actually kind of nice. Still not sure what prompted his visit...or whether it will happen again, but it was good to see him...especially to see him in my house...not in a bar or any other neutral location.

As an amusing sidenote: he has very recently come to a revalation...my gay husband is gay. Just incase anyone was confused on that count. I laughed for so long last night. Clark was trying to be sly and secretive...it might have worked if I wasn't me and I didn't know him. He was all kinds of spinning out that I knew more about the whole situation than he did. Boys.

True American Heroes

2006-03-31T16:28:00.000-08:00

I was reading over at Sgt. Hook's place earlier today and I came across this post. It got me to thinking and remembering...

It brought back childhood memories of a neighbor of my parents named Robert. His father was a China Marine and Robert was an army man himself. His father was long gone by this point, but he used to tell me stories of his time overseas and of his father's. His father (Robert Sr.) survived the Battan Death March and time as a POW. His words instilled a deep respect in me from a very young age. It also helped me understand my own grandfathers' experiences.

One of my grandfathers was in the Army Air Corps and then career Air Force. He was in WWII and Korea. He's seen some pretty horrific things in his life and he's always been very tight-lipped about his experiences. He served at Guadalcanal and to this day can't go to the beach...he doesn't see ocean and sand.

Because of Robert's stories and my own reading, I managed to learn enough to be able to ask my grandfather specific questions...questions he sometimes even answered. I wish I knew more about him and his life, but he still keeps that whole time very close to himself. He's of the generation that was taught that whatever they did or saw should just be put behind them. He once told me that in truth, no one wanted to hear what he'd been through. It's taken all my life so far to help him understand otherwise. He's still plagued by demons past.

I remember that when Saving Private Ryan came out, I went to the theatre with my mom to watch it. I sobbed through most of the movie and immediately after it ended, I called my grandpa. I just wanted to hear his voice and to tell him thank you and that I loved him. It took him completely by surprise and he broke down just a little. But it was good for him to know that I care and I think his stories and experiences are important.

This line of communication expanded a bit when Clark was deployed. My grandpa took an active interest in what was going on with Clark and how he was faring. It was the only time in my life that my grandpa actually asked me if there were any questions I had about deployment. He wouldn't say too much, but what little insight he did share I hold very dear.

I actually always saw a lot of my grandpa in Clark...right down to the same flashing eyes and the stubborn set to the jaw when they've decided to dig in their heels...unforetunately, they share the same demons as well. I just hope Clark doesn't keep the pain so close for as long.

As for my grandpa, his is a sad story and far too common, but there is hope. Slowly, year by year, his walls are coming down. He allows himself the emotions that he kept bottled for more than 50 years. I know he'll never shake free completely, and that's okay. At least he's learning that other people have forgiven him...and perhaps someday, he'll be able to forgive himself.

No Dull Days

2006-03-29T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today has been interesting, to say the least. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea what this day would hold...so here we go:

I went to work since today was a day ending in "y" and as soon as 5 o'clock struck I raced over to the fire station. Our cadets were volunteering to be victims for an EMS drill so we had to get them all made up with their wound simulations. The career firefighters had a meeting at 6...the kids got there at 5...that doesn't leave much room for error.

We were most of the way done with getting the kids ready. The last one was in the chair for make-up. Dad was applying the fake blood and I was putting the finishing touches on another cadet. Across the table from me I saw this kid start to lean over in his chair...then a dazed moan escaped his lips. {great, he's gonna have a seizure} then he tipped all the way off of his chair and slammed into the concrete floor of the apparatus bay...and he just layed there... {well, he's not having a seizure, that's good...he's just unconscious...not so good}

Dad immediately controlled C-spine and he and Daniel brought the cadet around. I gathered all the other cadets to keep them out of the way. As Dad began to check B's level of consciousness, Daniel went inside the station to tone out the engine...it's hard to keep a straight face when you hear: "Engine 3, medical aid...on the app floor."

Soon the area was swarming with firefighters...three crews in all. That's a total of 15 EMTs including myself. It took a while for B to get his bearings and since his blood pressure was so low and he hit his head pretty good, we called the ambulance. When the paramedics arrived we still hadn't been able to get in contact with his parents, so they asked me to ride with him.

I got one of the chiefs to watch my other cadets until I got back and off I went with the ambulance. The crew was excellent...one of the better crews I've seen in quite a while. We were diverted from the local hospital to another one about 15 minutes further away, foretunately B wasn't critical...transport was really more precautionary.

We arrived at the second hospital and I told the story for the fifth time, this time to an admit nurse. I stayed with B until his father finally arrived. Now, I was more than a little nervous to face his parents. Let's go through the list:

I'm almost 25, but when I'm in a hoodie and street shoes I pass for a high schooler

B is one of our newest cadets...he's only been with us for three weeks

the first contact his dad is going to have with me (the responsible adult) is at a hospital

did I mention that we made his son pass out at the sight of fake blood???

I've had bad experiences with over-protective parents when there wasn't anything wrong with their child...I must add that this is the first cadet we have sent to the hospital in ten years.

Anyway, his dad arrived adn was completely relieved to see that B was alright, just dizzy and in recovery. I put on my most grown-up expression and introduced myself. His dad was just very gratefult hat we had taken good care of his son and that I had actually accompanied him to the hospital. (Like we would just leave our kids to fend for themselves??) I explained to the dad what had happened (this would be explanation number 8...not that i'm counting). His response? "Well, I guess he must me genetically predisposed."

huh?? What do you mean?

"Well, the first time I helped his mom (who is an emergency vetrinarian) with a patient, I fainted dead away too." and then he laughed and said, "I'm sure B will be just fine. Thanks again for looking out for him"

That's it?? Awesome!!

After that, I went back tot he ambulance and hung out with the crew while they finished their reports and then they took me back to the fire station. I did have the rest of my cadets to watch after all. I arrived back at the station about an hour after I left...just in time to watch the remainder of my cadets, gory and bloodied for the drill, be "rescued from the fray" or at least that's what passsed for rescue in that joke of a program.

Whew...it's been one eventful evening. My phone has been ringing almost off the hook with people wanting updates on B. The story count is up to 18...not including you lovely people.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring...

I'll show you what i can be

2006-03-29T00:27:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm feelin' this...

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Hurry I’m fallin’

A Little More Information

2006-03-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

I talked to g-ma the other night. She is doing alright all things considered. She is tired and and her spirits are really low; but she is trying. I told her I was coming to see her and I even had dates for her...she sobbed. Then we talked about life. She is ready for me to plan her next trip out here. This time it will be for six weeks or two months...if it were solely her choice it would be for six months; but that is beside the point right now.

She told me that g-pa had decided to take the medicine. He started last week and so far no major side effects. He's feeling ok and g-ma won't let him sit around to feel sorry for himself. She told him he has to keep moving around so that he isn't feeble when I get there. (He hates being called feeble...g-ma knows what buttons to push) ;-)

Anyway, after I talked to them, g-ma put my nieces on the phone...we giggled and talked about the day and planned a slumber party for the next time I come back to see them. They don't know that I will be there in less than two months. I promised to talk to their mommy to make the arrangements for the sleepover. As the oldest told me, "Audrey,mommy usually tells me 'no' but I think if you asked her, she probably might say it's ok. So you do the talking to mommy, k?"
At this point the little one chimes in with giggles, "we're going to have a slumber party with Audrey, and it'll be fun!"

I miss my girls. They used to live next door to me and I spent every single day with them. I took them just about everywhere I went. And now, well they are growing up so quickly and I feel like I'm missing it all. Ah well, I get to see them shortly. I am getting so excited about the prospect of seeing them all.

So, to recap: g-pa is doing alright and hopefully the meds will keep the cancer in check. G-ma is exhausted, but her spirits are lighter than they've been for a while. And my little ones totally rock!!

After the Rain

2006-03-27T11:36:00.000-08:00

***Caution, the following post is stream of consciousness...don't expect it to all make sense. Just getting all the words out was cathartic***

Or rather, between the rain storms. That's where I am at this precise moment. I have started about ten posts this last week. I haven't been able to finish a single one. I can't seem to find the right words. This is supposed to be my outlet...the place I can write anything and everything. But it feels lately, that I can't be completely forthright. I hate that. It's not me.

My emotions are in turmoil these days...I can't slow them down long enough to analyze them...though it's probably better this way. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful sight. I wish I could focus on that...other than the sunlight, today is completely a Monday.

You'll see the sun appear to light the way
Only after the rain
Can you hope to find true love again
He never really loved you from the start
The only thing he ever gave you was a broken heart
Come on and take my hand and I'll pull you through
You know the time has come for you to face the truth

I wonder about that sometimes...how much of it was true? How much of it was just to have someone? I don't let myself get pulled in too far...I can't, he still calls periodically to say he misses me and wants to see me...blah, blah, woof, woof. Same old story different day. We went over it all again this weekend. It confounds him that I no longer drop what I'm doing for him.

I can understand that confusion...at the same time, I shake my head in wry amusement...I told him exactly what I would do. I even asked him this weekend when we talked: "Have I ever once done anything contrary to what I told you I would do?"

The answer: "No Audrey you haven't; you've always done exactly what you said. You have kept every promise you made."

Then believe me when I tell you. It's not so complicated. I am tired of people asking over and over again for me to tell them who I am.

You want to know? Stop asking and start listening. I'm no good at games. I say what I mean. Do I sometimes cage my responses? Yeah, at times, but only when to speak more plainly would be to invite more trouble than either of us need.

I'm feeling a bit evil and vindictive today...after the last 48 hours, it would be hard not to. Clark sent me a mass forward this week...quite apropos actually; it asks a series of questions based on "what if I was your boyfriend/girlfriend (as the case may be)" The point is to fill it out and send it back to the person so they can understand more about how you are in relationship and I suppose to find out if you "have a crush" on the person who sent it to you. It's rather juvenile...however, there are some questions I would love to answer for him.

It would go something like this:
If we were together...

would i regret it? I don't know, you tell me.

would you love me? I still do

would u listen to all my problems and help me solve them? Umm, again, you call me at 3am to listen to you.

would you take me anywhere special? That would require you showing up sometime when you say you will

If someone tried to fight with me infront of you what would you do? Step in between and diffuse the situation, just like I always did...remember Tacoma???

If i cheated on you would you take me back? Well, I did...more than once...though it appears we reached the limits of my understanding...

If i said i loved you would you say it back? By this point, even people who don't know us know that answer...

So there you have it...I kinda feel better getting that onto "paper". There is so much more to write on so many different fronts. There are three men in my world who are kryptonite to me. For the kids who are new to the class, those three are Clark, Kalohe and JD.
That said, I had interaction will all three of them this weekend. I was definitely on hot man overload. ;-) Beyond that, my emotions are all kinds of confused and fucked up right now. I have now officially written a novella (except that all this is true) so I should probably get some work done this morning. There is much more swirling through my head...we'll see how long it takes me to get more of it out.

Worthy Writing

2006-03-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

Ok ya'll, I'm busy in the office today and my mind is heavy besides. That said, there isn't much intelligible thought emanating from my lips today. Foretunately, not all share in my plight.

The lovely lady, Judy is off to Texas.
Also, the wonderful and talented Joan has emerged from her illness long enough to shed some much needed light on some ill-planned statutes so go by and wish her a speedy recovery.

Then, please, go see what Jack Army has to say. And, when ya'll are done nodding your agreement, check out his awesome pictures of beautiful Hawaii.

Thanks Jack! You rock!

Ok ya'll, back to work for me. I will hopefully have more time tomorrow. Maybe I won't be the only one here at work. (hey, I'm all about dreaming today)
look here:

for the record, I am more than a little jealous that this is where Kalohe would go when he cut school...we only had empty fields here

Blogger sucks

2006-03-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

SO, I know I blog in the ghetto. I don't really enjoy it, but what can I do? It's the home I've got, so I try to make it as pretty as possible and call it good. Anyway, the reason I'm bringing htis up is that I have had so many posts get fuckered up by Blogger this week. I have gotten into the habit of copying everything I write before I post; so foretunately I haven't lost anything recently.

However, Blogger has been down twice this week when I had something to post...I get so annoyed!! But, how annoyed am I allowed to be when the whole thing is free? So, i bitch and moan but I'm not gonna stop blogging because of it. Anyway, to end this rant...I tried for 48 hours to post the post that follows this.