Little Words
Apparently, I'm not as good of an actress as I thought. I've been on the down-ward spiral of a manic swing for the last couple weeks. Most people (even those close to me...cept you, MOH, of course) haven't noticed. It's more difficult to tell with me than with others. See, my lows look like a balanced person's normal.
My normal is like a balanced person's happy and my manic...well it's a bit overwhleming to some the first time they experience it.
Anyway, I've been down for a while and I can't seem to pull out of it. I do a pretty good job of not letting people see that side of me. It's not that I want to be two people; rather, I got tired of being labeled melodramatic because my down doesn't appear to be all that down. I don't actually get despondant when I'm really low.
Mostly, I just get really quiet. I get a little withdrawn and mainly I just appear subdued. That's why many people don't take notice. It's very easy for me to convince others that I am just tired...or I just don't have much to say...or any number of answers.
People believe me for a couple reasons.
- pushing me to "be happy" won't get you anywhere
- I don't seem to be that upset. Maybe I am just tired
- Finally, people don't seem to know how to react to me when I'm subdued. I'm not scary, it's just not what people are used to seeing from me.
I managed a small smile and replied that yes, indeed I was having a down couple of days but I was alright. The friend smiled back and said, "Well Audrey, know that we love you. Period. Regardless, we love you. Just know that."
It was so simple, so sincere and almost made me cry right then and there. I'm not out of it yet, and this isn't a plea for public outpourings of "You'll be ok". Plattitudes are not what I seek. However, her words meant a lot to me at the moment they were received. I am a bit lighter today.
The sun is out for the second day in a row and I am hopeful that I will feel like myself before this week is up.
"Lose This Life" By Tait
posted by Audrey @ 11:35 AM
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