A Rocky Start
Just when I thought it would be safe to come out…ok so actually that’s backwards. My weekend started out a lot more dramatic than it is now…of course it would be…it’s almost time to start the next week…So, here goes…
On Friday afternoon, JD called me when I was still at work. He had some lame excuse about wanting to check on G…bear in mind he already knew all that information as I had updated him that day…but whatever, I guess any excuse is better than none at all…especially since we’re not supposed to be anything other than friends.
I love the man dearly but JD c’mon!! You’re still married!!! We’re friends, and I’m glad for that…it’s starting to get to be a lot of drama…I don’t know how many times we are going to have to have these “why we can’t be together” conversations and it turned into an hour and a half ordeal…sigh…I miss the times when life was more simple…
I am almost used to JD’s behavior by now…but he said something that kind of hurt my feelings…We got into a discussion about birth order and how it influences a person’s development…as in, I’m a first born, so by definition I’m: loud, bossy, stubborn, mature, and a perfectionist…and did I mention I’m always right?
I accused JD of being a youngest child because of his behavior and he told me that I was dead wrong…he, in fact, is a middle child…which actually explains a hell of a lot more, come to think of it…so in the midst of this argument (and him trying to wrack my brain for insight into the birth order issue since I was a psych minor) he tells me that growing up he always had to be the grown-up and that has continued into his adult life…and why is it that we wouldn’t work out…after all…isn’t he entitled to at least one mid-life crisis…yeah kids…he really actually said that…he fuckin’ called me a mid-life crisis!!! Can you believe it? Oy!! As if that’s all this is actually about…if that were the case…he’d have moved on long ago…probably after I told him no the first time…
Yeah I know that guys like a challenge…blah, blah, blah…but this is deeper than that…when I called his out over it, he apologized and said that it’s not what he meant…but still, he said it…
Anyway, I feel like a broken record so often when we talk…I have to say the same things over and over again…all the time wondering when it will sink in and I can put my guard back down where it belongs…I hate having to guard my words, my actions, even my inflection…and I most certainly hate that I don’t even get to be friends with him anymore…I do feel bad that he can’t just talk about this with his good friends…he works with my dad, remember? And even if he didn’t…it’s not like his married friends are gonna support him…so what’s he gonna do? Tell his family? I think not…tell his wife? Oh there’s a good idea! So he’s all alone in this…but that shouldn’t have to be my fault or my problem…sigh…
He was waiting at my exit off the freeway Friday night…but I didn’t stop…I told him I wouldn’t and so far I’m living up to my word…it gets harder each time…I care less and less about “doing the right thing” everytime he’s in front of me…so I guess I should be grateful for my will power…and in a twisted way, I guess I’m thankful to Clark that he cheated on me…now that I know down to my core exactly what that feels like…there is no way in Hell I could ever inflict that pain on any one else…so I will stay strong and I will continue to wonder what if he’d never said anything at all…
posted by Audrey @ 4:50 PM
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