Monday, October 24, 2005

Manic Panic

Image hosted by
This weekend contained many ups and downs...mostly in my own mind. I had been riding high on a manic cycle for about three weeks now. I was already on my way up when Clark reappeared...and as is often the case, my defense mechanism is to stay manic so that detaching is easier for me. Those who have seen me in action know what this looks like; for the rest of ya'll, it goes something like this: In a manic state I am "up" I am also far less emotionally involved in anything...much of life appears surreal... I am both an observer and a participant in my own life.

With all the stress of the last few weeks, this imbalance has kept me sane...a twisted bit of irony, I know. Anyway, a manic cycle can only last for so long...then I crash...the longer I'm "up" the harder the crash. This one was not pretty. (not the ugliest by far, but not pretty)

I stayed busy right up until Saturday night at which point I melted down...I was overwhelmed and pressured and I couldn't take any more...I called g-ma and just sobbed. As is always the case when it comes to g-ma, she knew exactly what to say and how to say it. I calmed down considerably by the time I got off the phone with her. (It doesn't hurt that she reminded that she will be here in just three more days) :-) I really have missed her.

After talking to g-ma I pulled myself together enough to talk to Jeanne who decided that while I did have my responsibilities, she would commence running interference between me and the outside world. (I am so thankful she is my roommate...Grace and I are very blessed.)

Later that evening I went down to see Jean, Spencer and T. It was a pretty low key and kickback night...which was exactly what my overworked little mind needed. I hate how fast my brain runs when I'm unbalanced. Anyway, I left there about midnight or so. My mind was still running so quickly and even driving wasn't clearing I did the next best thing I could think of: I went to go see G at her bar.

I hardly made it out of the car before I was tackled by G's big sister. She gave me a huge hug and we started talking on and on. As soon as there was a break in the flow of words, Kee was standing there to give me a hug. After the three of us had our stories straight (why I'm there when I had just been there the night before, how the night was going for them, what kind of a mood G was in...ya know) Kee picked me up and carried me inside the bar...he set me down and loudly announced to G and the bar that he had brought G a present. She got a Cheshire cat grin on her face and demanded that I join her behind the bar.

I tended for a few minutes, said hi to everyone, had to make the rounds and meet G's friends from high school...the usual. ;-) G and Kee decided that I was staying there until closing at least; so I hung out with Kee while G worked. (Fortunately there were no big fights, so Kee got to hang out.) Kee knew I was having a rough night so he was never more than like three feet from me for any length of time. He and I talked sports and life and joked about all the drunk people in the bar and how much coinage they deserved for the shows that were taking place. ;-) As the bar started to clear out after last call, we grooved to Bob Marley and Santana. Good times...

I stayed to help close the bar since by being there I save G an entire hour of closing time. Besides, it's a lot of fun once Kee locks everyone else out and it's just the four of us (G, her sissy, Kee and me...five if Grace is there). So I cleaned tables, washed glasses, restocked the paper goods while G restocked the bar and Kee cleaned up the dance floor and pool rooms...

Afterwards, we all sat on or around the bar and just talked...good times...I finally left at about 3:15 since I had to be up at 6:30 the next morning. So I said my goodbyes, more rounds of hugs and promises to G and Kee that I would be back next week...G made me promise to hang out this week (of course!! I'm totally making you help with cadets) and Kee made me promise that next week I will sing for him. They've been trying to get me to Karoake out there for a couple years now...but I am one of the freaks in this world that won't sing buzzed. I have to be sober...because I do know what I sound like...and I like to have complete control over it.

By the time I got home my brain had slowed considerably and I managed to get a few hours of sleep. I am down from my manic swing and almost feeling "normal" again. I am still drained and want to hide out from the world until I can get my head right, but I am getting there. T told me last night that I am family...that means a lot to me. Family and friends are precisely what I need and want right now. I have enough drama with Clark to tide me over for quite some time...but friends and family...they keep me sane and grounded.

As a side note, Clark has been leaving boxes in my head again.."Babe, I don't mind, but dude...could you at least move them into a corner...leaving them in the middle of the hall causes me to stub my toe and you know how I feel about that!" I'm tellin' you, I'ma have to create a Clark closet and all the boxes can sit in there and commiserate: "'Had a Gilmore girl, lost a Gilmore girl', got her back, can't figure out what comes next"...story of my life...but all in all I made it through relatively unscathed. :-) This week should be interesting.