Thursday, June 08, 2006

Velocity of Presence

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...When I look into your eyes

I can see how life has savaged you
It's ok if you fall
I will be there to catch you
Anyone who would want to hurt you
Would have to go through me to do it
I will never be able to pound words into lines
To match the velocity of your presence

(the emphasis is my own, by these amazingly accurate and apropos words belong to none other than the great Rollins)

I have spent several evenings this week with Dean and last night as we sat talking, the last lines of that poem echoed throughout my brain. "I will never be able to pound words into lines to match the velocity of your presence". I do realize that it must frequently sound as though I'm waxing poetic like some lovestruck teenager (which I haven't been for quite some time now) and never have I been like that when it comes to Dean.

I've written before about my belief in wisdom of the ancients -- wisdom of lives you haven't lived. Well, Dean is ancient. If you look up old soul in the dictionary, his picture will be next to it. To say that he is "wise beyond his years" doesn't even scratch the surface. As Grace discovered when she met him last week: (direct quote) "I know you always say that you don't have adequate words to describe him, but I can say now that your words come as close as any ever will. Dean really is all that you say and yet there is so much more depth than words can capture. It's no wonder you love him so deeply and were so devastated to lose him."

It has occurred to me in the last few days that part of my downfall in relationships...even that in the five years we had no contact I went around trying everything I could think of to fill the void in my soul. The problem is, nothing except Dean can fill a Dean-sized hole. It wasn't until he came back that I was able to recognize my own behavior. I do realize that had I asked, there are a few of you who could have told me that all along. I suppose I just had to learn the hard way.

Since I returned from Tennessee I have felt myself withdrawing more and more from those around me...not in an "I want to be a hermit and live in a cave" kind of way...more like an "I don't have time for people who are half-way into my life" kind of way. I am incredibly intense when it comes to my interpersonal relationships and I think that can be a lot for most people to handle. MOH was right, I don't have a lot of uses for accquaintances. Either you are in and like family or you're out.

Perhaps I am subconsciously severing ties so that if I move there isn't as much to be done here. Perhaps I am simply acting out. Maybe I'm feeding off the energy of others. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through. I don't know why I am distancing mysef from others...all I know is that, right or wrong, I don't feel bad about it. I feel as though it's the most natural thing to do at this moment in my life.

Another good piece of advice I received, told me that in order to make a fair decision regarding which coast of the country I should reside I needed to compile some data. While I will leave the wildlife samples to those more qualified than I; there is one thing I can do: Partake in all of my favorite activities here while all the fun things there are still fresh in my mind.

In an effort to conduct this experiment, G, Grace and I will be embarking upon a roadtrip tomorrow night. We are going to spend Friday in beautiful and sunny San Diego. G and I will be driving home again on Saturday, but I don't mind if it means seeing my city for just a few hours. It kills me that the last time I was in San Diego I wasn't even allowed off the plane...I watched the city through the thick and smudged windows of the plane. This time I will sit on the Ferry Landing and watch the sun set over my skyline. I can feel the ocean already.