Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Conscience and Conviction

I talked to G for a long time last night (in between the ACM’s of course). The topic de jour: men (duh). Anyway, she and Kent are mostly back together and she is sublimely happy. Good for both of them…no really, I mean that. I can fully appreciate the ecstasy of knowing you’ve got another chance with your kryptonite. For the first time, there wasn’t any sadness, jealousy, or longing on my part for Clark. For the first time, I really didn’t think about him when we discussed kryptonite and its effect on the normally rational brain. I was actually rather proud of myself…I still care about Clark, but honestly, I don’t want anything to do with him right now. I need someone more positive and centered in my life right now…Lord knows I’m unbalanced enough for two people some days. That brings me to the next topic G and I broached…JD…c’mon ya’ll you knew it was only a matter of time. I have had a moratorium issued by Miss Jess where JD is concerned. Have you ever heard the Leann Rimes song, “Right Kind of Wrong” (it’s also on the Coyote Ugly soundtrack)? Well, that could be a theme song for JD and me.

Lovin' you, yeah isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
yeahI should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

I guess I should fill in a little back story… JD is a good friend of mine that I have known for almost 9 years. He is older than me, and he is one of the most incredible men I have ever known. I’ve always had a mad crush on him since we first met. The night I met him I looked at my sister and said, “That right there is what I want…well not that one, he’s married…but one just like that one.” That’s how I always approached our friendship…I love JD to death but he’s married and as far as I was concerned, the crush was completely one sided anyway. I always hid it and was totally normal around him (yeah normal is a relative term but whatever, let’s go with it), no one really knew anything was up…and it wasn’t until earlier this year.

Apparently the admiration and interest has been mutual…why he couldn’t keep it inside his own head the way I’ve done for the last 9 years is beyond me…but it required us to have some very difficult conversations…oy!! See I’ve had married friends proposition me, and I usually just told them to knock it off or their wife and I would be having a little talk…ya know what I mean. But with JD it is completely different…he has got to be about the only man on the planet who could say and do the things he did and not come across as dirty or perverted…I don’t get it…and believe me…NOTHING will happen between us while he is married…I’m not that girl and I have respect for myself and his family.

G and I have spent much time in the last few months (this is an ongoing ordeal, hence the moratorium Miss Jess has placed on me--I’m not allowed to call/see JD except for business purposes) discussing this situation and its repercussions. JD’s whole career is based on his integrity and there is so much drama in the whole situation that we would never let anything happen to his reputation…G works with him and he’s somewhat of a mentor to her. The situation is far more complicated than I am explaining…but the core issue still remains. There is a definite and deep connection between JD and myself…but we have to keep our distance…which sucks…we used to be such good friends…

This whole long diatribe related back to what I talked about last week in “Pristine Pariah”… I don’t have a guilt complex…and I don’t hardly ever feel regret. An anyone who knows me knows I really have a thing for this man...I can't help it!! When I'm around him I don't want to be strong...since I found out how incredibly mutual it all is, my willpower slips just a little everytime I see him. I do know that I would eventually feel bad about my actions if I allowed anything else to happen between JD and myself. And, having been cheated on…I know the pain and I could NEVER inflict that pain on another person…but it’s something I struggle with…because what I WANT and what is RIGHT are so very far apart in this situation...and honestly, willpower is the only thing that's kept me from jumping this man...

I have to say…as tough as it’s been over the years to hide what I felt…I would much rather still be there and have JD as a close friend that I was actually able to hang out with…because it’s infinitely more difficult now that I know exactly what I’m missing…sigh…

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