In the Middle of Myself
Ok, so it’s time for a confession. I haven’t been able to get Clark off my mind for the last 18 hours. It’s kinda crazy, because I’ve been doing just fine. I’ve barely given him more than a fleeting thought the last couple of weeks. Do I still miss him sometimes? Yeah, of course I do…but like I told TG’s hubby James yesterday: I’m happy. I am content and I am at peace with my life. I really am happy.
Then, Clark somehow squeezed his way into my brain. Out of nowhere…I talked to Grace about it for a moment yesterday, but only in the context that Friday is Clark’s birthday. Meaning: I need to pick up a card for him; regardless of our relationship status, I have never missed his birthday. It’s a big deal to me that I remember birthdays. Sometimes I slip up, but usually I’m pretty good.
So anyway, that card was really the extent of my thoughts on Clark. Until last night…I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary…I didn’t even get sad and miss him more than usual. But for some reason he entered my head space and refuses to be budged. So, anyway, I had decided on the song “Karma” by Alicia Keys, as my song of the day.
Karma ~ Alicia Keys
Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore,
And how you need your space, and give the keys back to your door?
And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me.
But still you said that love was gone and that I had to leave.
(Now you) {Talkin' 'bout a family.}
(Now you) {Sayin' I complete your dream.}
(Now you) {Sayin' I'm your everything.}
{You're confusing me, what you say to me.}
Don't play with me, don't play with me.
'Cause
(What goes around comes around; What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around; What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back?
I remember when I was sittin' home alone,
Waitin' for you 'Til three o'clock in the morn.
And when you came home you'd always had some sorry excuse,
And explainin' to me, like I'm was some kind of a fool.
I sacrificed the things I wanted to do things for you.
But when it's time to do for me, you never come through.
(Now you) {Wanna be a part of me.}
(Now you) {Have so much to say to me.}
(Now you) {Wanna make time for me.}
{What you do to me, you're confusin' me.}
Chorus
I remember when I was sittin' home alone,
Waitin' for you 'Til three o'clock in the morn,
Night after night, knowin' somethin' goin' on.
Wasn't home before I be goin', goin' gone.
Lord knows it wasn't easy, believe me.
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceive me
And never do what you supposed to do.
No need to hose me, fool, 'cause I'm over you.
Chorus
(What goes around comes around; What goes up must come down.)
It's called karma, baby, And it goes around.
(What goes around comes around; What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
As I was getting the lyrics in order to post, I saw that I had new email. Lo and behold, it was from Clark. Did I mention that I haven’t heard from Clark (except for a brief acknowledgment that he got my new address) in two or three months. Anyway, I was a bit shocked…I don’t know why, I shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that he would be on my mind and subsequently contact me…it’s been the pattern for a few years now. It said in part, “i miss you like crazy Audrey, but like usual it my own fault…”
Yeah Clark, it is your fault; but believe it or not, you aren’t the only one who feels that way. I miss you more than I would care to admit. Yes I am happy. Yes I like my life; but missing you and being happy are not mutually exclusive in my life…never have been when it comes to you. How do I say all the things I feel and think?
The answer is simple…I don’t. I won’t be putting my heart on the line this time…not for quite a while anyway. No, my response to him didn’t say any of this. I kept it short and friendly and surface. It’s what I have to do for now; and that is okay with me too.
I do wonder if this has anything to do with him choosing today to contact me (it’s his horoscope for today):
You can't hurry love -- sometimes you just have to wait. Be patient when it comes to your relationships, especially if you and a loved one have dealt with a lot of turbulence in the recent past. What's important is that you don't view this as a make-or-break time. While the energies you're encountering now might be quite dramatic, it doesn't mean that you have to settle things now once and for all. Remain open-minded.
At any rate, knowing he still loves me is a very bittersweet emotion right now.
posted by Audrey @ 12:12 PM
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