Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Certain of Uncertainty

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This week, I have the distinct privilege of hosting Seven Inches of Service. The fabulous Miss Joan is taking a much deserved break, so I am trying valiantly to fill her boots. ;-)

We picked a topic that is close to all of our hearts, so this week, we wrote about: "How to keep the doubts from destroying you when your soldier is gone."
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When you are in a long distance relationship, it can be difficult to escape doubt. When that long distance relationship is caused by a deployment, all the normal fears escalate. Not only is there geographical distance but there is emotional distance as well. Once your soldier puts on his war face it's even worse.

This doubt is screaming in my face,
in this familiar place, sheltered and concealed.
If this night won't let me rest,
Don't let me second guess what I know to be real.

There are many times over course of my relationship with Clark that I have doubted myself or us. It's not easy so remain strong when the man you love is thousands of miles away and doesn't have the ability to give anything more than infrequent reassurance. As I've said so many times before, Clark put on his war face without warning and I was left confused and devastated until I was able to process the reality of the situation so that I could begin my own process of readying for war.

When I felt Clark withdraw from me and our relationship, I panicked. What happened? Things were going so well! We didn't fight, we could talk about anything and everything, we were falling completely in love...what changed? What did I do? What didn't I do that I should have? (For me, there was an added hookers, I'll explain, I swear) All these questions and more haunted me for a while...they still do on a bad day.

So, the next question is, "how do I keep the doubt from consuming me?" Well, there are several different things that help; though nothing is 100% effective except having Clark beside me. While he was deployed, I used to read and reread the letters, emails and instant message conversations between us. I saved all the important text messages I fact, here we are almost three years later and I still have some of them. Clark did something very sweet the night before he left to help me. He sent me one text after another until I had a collection of about ten. He told me not to open them until he was gone, and then only one at a time. He knew I would need to remember how much he loved me.

While he was overseas, there were several (believe me, I wish i was exaggerating) females (or "flea-males" as Clark called them) who went to extraordinary lengths to try to screw Clark. One even had the audacity to tell him that if I loved Clark at all, I would be ok with him cheating because I should want him to be fulfilled. If I wasn't insecure before...damn! I almost put my hand through a brick wall when I heard that story. But, Clark always told me the whole story...even when it would have been easier for him to have just kept quiet; he figured that I would find out one way or another and he would prefer that I hear exactly what happened without feeling like I had to pull the truth out of him.

So on one hand, knowing that those girls were out there...beside the man I love...caused me to have some doubts; knowing that Clark was so committed to us, even with all the opportunities that presented themselves, aleviated most of the uncertainty I had. When he called, Clark always told me he loved me and made sure to remind me to think about our future together.

Making plans together helped a lot too...I knew that whether we actually did all the things we talked about or not was immaterial. What mattered was that we were thinking about our future.
I also had an amzing network of support comprised of other Army girlfriends and wives who were going through the same deployment at the same time. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone. These girls were there at all hours of the night, willing to talk about anything that I needed to. All of us
Service sisters went through deployments together, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Even though Clark has been home for nearly two years, these doubts still work their way into my subconcious; the way Clark moves through my life and my soul keeps me both captivated and at times pushed aside. We have never needed words between us and that bond is what holds us through the ups and downs of this life. Loving him has brought both the highest mountain peaks and the lowest valley basins into my life.

Giving into the doubt is not an option for me. Even when I doubt myself, I am constantly reminded that every fiber of my being knows innately that Clark loves me and that eventually we will find the balance that we seek together. We are inexplicably and eternally linked to one another. We both understand that while this life may make no sense, together the world is clearer.

I have come to understand that the pain of passing doubt and confusion is nothing compared to the pain of giving in to the doubt and losing hope.