Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Push and Pull

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Nikka's music gets so deep into my soul...for the last week, the only music that has reached me is Nikka, Billy Miles and Blu Cantrell.

The last few days have been very surreal and all too real at the same time. I am worried about Clark. That statement barely scratches the surface of what I actually feel, but it's all I can share right now. Both of our worlds will be turned upside down in just over 72 hours.

I don't yet know what will happen. I feel him pulling back again; something that needs to happen I suppose. There is someone else who needs his strength more than I right now; I am at peace with that...I asked him to be there. He also needs to prepare himself, and that is the part that scares me. In order to be okay at the end, he will have to become something terrible to reach that point. I love this man more than anything and it hurts very deeply to watch the transformation. I have spent so much energy helping him break free from it...only to have to give it permission to take root again. I believe he will make it through; and eventually he and I will be alright. The journey just sucks.