Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My Sliver of Sunshine

Image hosted by
Disclaimer:I have to start this post by saying that to all my friends, I love you dearly. I can't imagine my life without a single one of you. Please understand that the words that follow need to come out of me as this place is my therapy. Don't doubt for a second my love for you all.

There are times when, no matter how hard you try, you just can't keep the sun in view. Today started out as one of those days. I am doing well in the mental balance arena; but it's a strech right now.

I know that there are many people in my life who care deeply for me, and I am very grateful and blessed. Sometimes I am even overwhelmed by that love. Right now there are people in my life who care too much and the pressure becomes too great for me. I feel like I am supposed to be everything to everyone and then there is nothing left for me. It's probably my own projections based on my insecurities, but there it is...true or not, it is my reality.

Knowing that they love in spite of my shortcomings only adds to that pressure. Right now, breathing is about all I am capable of in my physical life...but that's not enought for some people. They need to know that I can still be one of the "shiny happy people" or they worry. Again, I can't take that much pressure...I will shut down and when that happens, few can get through to me.

I came back from lunch today feeling the weight of these things. Then the sliver of sunshine. A
wonderful friend who has been like a sister to me for years wrote me something so beautiful that i cried. I cried happy tears for the first time in a very long time. She has never expected me to be anything other than myself and she knows me well enough to allow me to be down. She has the knack of just knowing when I need pushed and when I need to find my own path. So Rie, thank you. Thank you for being so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for always watching over me while still allowing me to make my own choices. My words are insufficient to say how much of the weight you lifted off my soul just now.