Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It's In The Blood

Speaking (or rather, writing) of Kai being in the shop…I was almost late this morning getting her there. I missed my exit off the freeway. I was only one off and mostly it was because I needed the first exit but I always take the second one to get to work and I was in a holding pattern apparently…

…Ok so that’s only partially true…the exit part is totally true…but the real reason I missed my exit is because there were three flat bed semis carrying disassembled five ton wreckers…and I got distracted looking at the “prettys” as my niece used to say. Yeah it’s true…I missed my exit because I got distracted by army machinery…sigh…some of you know what I’m talking about.

As Miss Joan so perfectly described it…ya know…the resulting behavior of becoming Army By Proxy. It’s like, once you go army (or insert any other branch of the military) you can’t go back. It gets under your skin…almost into your blood.

It’s a love/hate relationship…the military and myself. I have no emotion toward the entity in and of itself. I accept it as just part of life…but the far-reaching effect it’s had on my life…well that’s the part it gets cloudy. I love my soldier…and I know that soldiering is in his blood (the same way firefighting is in mine) and it will always be an integral part of who he is.

It’s not like that for all of them…I know that…but for mine it is. He hates it, but he craves the structure and discipline it provides…he hates the deployment…but he excels under the pressure and restraints…I have soaked all that in…while I still maintain my own views and my own opinions…much of his attitude towards our country and his idea of patriotism has colored my world view…that’s actually something I am very thankful for.

It’s been a running debate for the last two years whether he will re-up at the end of his enlistment…only time will tell…the time comes in December. Part of me would love for him to transition into a civilian…but most of me knows that as G put it: It’s like a boxer that leaves the ring too early…he might survive, but the fight will hover right under the surface until he explodes…or the fire dies out…neither one is a welcome option.

So ok, I accepted years ago that the army would become a part of my life…in my conscious and unconscious mind…and now, I can’t imagine any other way.

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