And Again...
This weekend was long…not just as in, I got an extra day off work, but rather: I was way too exhausted to as much as I did. I haven’t slept much in the last 96 hours…not that I’m counting.
I left work early on Friday, I was still such a mess from the migraine the night before and I was all kinds of sick. I felt practically useless at work, so I left two hours early. I went home and crashed…the drug induced sleep where I can momentarily keep my mind dream-free.
The dreams are getting more and more frequent these days…I don’t know why yet. I wish I did, maybe then I would have some answers…I have none…only more questions.
Questions like, “why me?” Not “poor me”, but why? Why me? As in: “what can I do? How am I supposed to react when I don’t know why I’m being given these images?” See, more unanswerable questions.
My lupus has taken a toll on me the last week…I know it’s because my stress level has gone through the roof and there is no relief in sight, as there is no way to alleviate the stress. I can cope…I have before and I will continue…it’s difficult to not want to solve my problems (temporarily at least) with painkillers. But I’ve already lived that life…it seems like it was 100 years ago now. I won’t ever go back to that life…I wasted too much time and energy.
But that is the past and this, right here, is my present…and I will take it all one day at a time. I am just struggling with the fact that I don’t have much energy right now. My joints don’t hurt more than normal or anything, I just can’t seem to get enough energy to do all of the things that need done, and it makes me feel inadequate. I realize that much of that has to do with me being a firstborn and needing to be perfect. But the fact remains that I didn’t do nearly all of the things that I needed to this weekend and there wasn’t much I could do about that. Plus, the lack of sleep isn’t helping…I wish Clark or JD or whomever is keeping me up would just clear his mind and let me sleep in peace…
posted by Audrey @ 12:06 PM
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