From the wreckage of myself
Much has changed in the last several months. I am still in the same cities; but little else in my life is the same. I am now fully involved in the ORISE job and I can finally share some of it with ya’ll.I am now a contractor with the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security. I am on a couple task forces, but the majority of the next year will be spent as the personal assistant of the lead planner. I am excited and overwhelmed with all that is going on.
I am younger than ever other person in this office by at least ten years…it’s more than a little intimidating some days. The only thing that keeps me going back is the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. MOH and I know that none of this has happened by accident and we are going to need every piece that has been put into play.
I work 10-14 hours days five to six days a week. I have little time for anyone or anything not work related, and it sucks. But, this is the path that I’m on and I choose my choice. I really appreciate those of you who has stuck around anyway. My close friends have all been very supportive of the fact that I have nothing to give to anyone right now.
Believe me, I miss all of you; but I am doing all I can to survive right now. My schedule doesn’t open up until the middle of February. It’s a daunting thought for me too…but it’s what I have to work with right now.
On a slightly happier note, Adrian (cute boy) and I are doing well. We don’t see each other nearly as much as either of us would like; but I hear that’s just part of being a grown-up. We have had our ups and downs and each time we’ve come out stronger as a pair. It’s something I am still getting used to. I’m still learning how to be in a grown-up relationship and it’s taking some work.
MOH and Grace get on my case when I say that one of these days, Adrian is going to wake up and realize that he is way out of my league. I’m not just being self-deprecating…he really is that fantastic. See, I’ve dated some wonderful men…they had their demons, but who among us doesn’t? But with all of them, I was the better person in the relationship. I’m not trying to be conceited…think back with me…Ya’ll have heard the horror stories about the destruction of Clark and me. We all know that Kolohe was not a healthy situation…there was Daniel…basically, I have a pattern.
I pick men with (and I hate this word) potential. But I don’t pick men who have become. I always find them in the transition. I’m good at picking up pieces…it’s what I do. And it usually ends in me getting hurt…though I am pretty guarded in choosing who is allowed into my heart in the first place.
Then along came Adrian. He is a bona-fide grown-up. He is (as my dad says) child-like without being childish. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And it came in a package I would have never suspected. See, for those of you who know me in any other plane, you know what I usually pick up off the shelf. Adrian isn’t any of those things, and it turns out he’s exactly what I’ve needed all along.
He makes me laugh. He lets me cry. He believes I am strong enough and smart enough to do anything I put my mind to…but he’s never expected me to be perfect. He apologizes when he’s wrong and it’s rarely a fight to get there. He makes me act like a grown-up when it comes to the important things; but he lets me be silly too. We’ve had some rough ground to cover, and we’ve picked up our share of baggage from each other’s past; but it’s made us stronger.
There are days when I don’t know how all the pieces will fit…there are so many differences in our worlds. Our backgrounds are like night and day; and it’s not been an easy road…it’s been more like a mountain climb without Sherpas. That’s not news to anyone, least of all me. The difference this time, is that Adrian is in this with me…I’m used to fighting battles alone.
In the rest of my person relationships, I have become the invisible friend. I have pulled back completely from acquaintances and those who demand of me without giving back. I don’t have the energy or even the desire to keep those relationships up. Maybe that’s cold and callous…I don’t know. But I know that for the first time in my life, I’m putting myself first in some areas just to survive. And you know, I’m actually sleeping most nights. Don’t misunderstand me, there are several people I love dearly and hate that I haven’t been in contact with them; something I hope to rectify after the first of the year.
For the time being, I am working non-stop and traveling several days a week for work. Someday I will emerge…hopefully intact. I know that most of you will still be there cheering me on, and for that I am eternally grateful…more than I could ever express.
Je vous aime tout.
Labels: The Unforgiven
posted by Audrey @ 10:57 AM
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