After the Rain
***Caution, the following post is stream of consciousness...don't expect it to all make sense. Just getting all the words out was cathartic***
Or rather, between the rain storms. That's where I am at this precise moment. I have started about ten posts this last week. I haven't been able to finish a single one. I can't seem to find the right words. This is supposed to be my outlet...the place I can write anything and everything. But it feels lately, that I can't be completely forthright. I hate that. It's not me.
My emotions are in turmoil these days...I can't slow them down long enough to analyze them...though it's probably better this way. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful sight. I wish I could focus on that...other than the sunlight, today is completely a Monday.
You'll see the sun appear to light the way
Only after the rain
Can you hope to find true love again
He never really loved you from the start
The only thing he ever gave you was a broken heart
Come on and take my hand and I'll pull you through
You know the time has come for you to face the truth
I wonder about that sometimes...how much of it was true? How much of it was just to have someone? I don't let myself get pulled in too far...I can't, he still calls periodically to say he misses me and wants to see me...blah, blah, woof, woof. Same old story different day. We went over it all again this weekend. It confounds him that I no longer drop what I'm doing for him.
I can understand that confusion...at the same time, I shake my head in wry amusement...I told him exactly what I would do. I even asked him this weekend when we talked: "Have I ever once done anything contrary to what I told you I would do?"
The answer: "No Audrey you haven't; you've always done exactly what you said. You have kept every promise you made."
Then believe me when I tell you. It's not so complicated. I am tired of people asking over and over again for me to tell them who I am.
You want to know? Stop asking and start listening. I'm no good at games. I say what I mean. Do I sometimes cage my responses? Yeah, at times, but only when to speak more plainly would be to invite more trouble than either of us need.
I'm feeling a bit evil and vindictive today...after the last 48 hours, it would be hard not to. Clark sent me a mass forward this week...quite apropos actually; it asks a series of questions based on "what if I was your boyfriend/girlfriend (as the case may be)" The point is to fill it out and send it back to the person so they can understand more about how you are in relationship and I suppose to find out if you "have a crush" on the person who sent it to you. It's rather juvenile...however, there are some questions I would love to answer for him.
It would go something like this:
If we were together...
would i regret it? I don't know, you tell me.
would you love me? I still do
would u listen to all my problems and help me solve them? Umm, again, you call me at 3am to listen to you.
would you take me anywhere special? That would require you showing up sometime when you say you will
If someone tried to fight with me infront of you what would you do? Step in between and diffuse the situation, just like I always did...remember Tacoma???
If i cheated on you would you take me back? Well, I did...more than once...though it appears we reached the limits of my understanding...
If i said i loved you would you say it back? By this point, even people who don't know us know that answer...
So there you have it...I kinda feel better getting that onto "paper". There is so much more to write on so many different fronts. There are three men in my world who are kryptonite to me. For the kids who are new to the class, those three are Clark, Kalohe and JD.
That said, I had interaction will all three of them this weekend. I was definitely on hot man overload. ;-) Beyond that, my emotions are all kinds of confused and fucked up right now. I have now officially written a novella (except that all this is true) so I should probably get some work done this morning. There is much more swirling through my head...we'll see how long it takes me to get more of it out.
posted by Audrey @ 11:36 AM
<< Home