Saturday, July 07, 2007

"I'm not dead"

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It's kinda how I've felt the last couple months. It's been about survival and I'm tired of just surviving. It's time to start thriving again. One little step at a time. My health may or may not improve any further...I'm not sure I care about that part anymore. I have learned to get by and still be me. Besides, that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Is it the Marines that say, "Pain is just fear leaving the body?" Yeah, I like that...I think I will hang on to that for a while.

Everywhere that I go
There’s someone waitin to chain me
Everything that I say
There’s someone tryin to shortchange me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I’m not gonna break

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck You can hang me like slave I'll go underground
You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down
~~P!nk "18 Wheeler"

I'm done with holding back all the things I want to say and all the things I want to accomplish just because it might make other people uncomfortable or insecure. I am working my ass off, day in and day out, through incredible pain sometimes and it's an accomplishment...and definitely something I should be proud of. I'm learning that I don't have to apologize for being good at something. Adrian helped me to remember that I don't have to apologize for being smart or for educating myself. Now I just have to come to terms with workplace success. I am my own worst critic...I always have been. I have always held myself to higher standards than anyone else. Now it's time for me to stop standing in my own way. I'm proud of the things I've done in the last year.

The pain and heartache of a year ago is over. I have put it behind me...I have broken free of those demons and now I can move forward. I think it's about time to get that tattoo to commemorate it all...