In order for healing to occur, there must be a certain amount of pain. I am well on my way to healing...one painful step at a time. I feel freer and more like myself than I have in a long while.
The artwork above is the work of Leslie. It meant the world to me that he was the one to help me heal my way. I am truly becoming "one from none"
“All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending”
That’s how I feel these days. I guess now is the time to explain myself a little more clearly. Since the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in, I think my thoughts are finally clear enough to express myself.
I found out on Tuesday that Adrian and I are no longer together. I took a friend of mine to the tattoo shop where Adrian’s roommate, (my good friend) Leslie works. Leslie is an old soul…sometimes I think he’s older than I am. Anyway, I took him a piece of art to draw for me and we were sitting around talking about life and just catching up. I made a couple of comments regarding Adrian and I and I could tell that Leslie had something he wanted to say, but he was holding back. Leslie isn’t a man who likes to be pushed…that works out well since I don’t like to push people…anyway, I just ignored the little pause there and we moved on to other subjects.
About 15 minutes later, Adrian walked into the shop with a girl. He said nothing to me…no recognition of any sort, actually…except his eyes. The first look was a “deer in the headlights” terror…quickly replaced by the coldest look I have ever seen in his eyes. I believe that one was meant to say, “Don’t make a scene…just don’t fucking say a word” though it could have just as easily doubled for “you’re the biggest whore in the world”. Either way, to say that I felt like I had bee run over by a freight train would be an understatement. I didn’t have any words to make a scene even if I’d wanted to.
I still didn’t know what was going on. They got what they needed and left again…a quick goodbye to Leslie and then they were gone again. If you hadn’t seen Adrian’s eyes, you would have never guessed that we knew each other at all…let alone that we had been in a serious relationship for over a year.
Right after they left, I realized that in all the drama inside my head, I had let the parking meter run out. A parking ticket was NOT something I needed on top of it all. Anyway, by the time I got back from the car, Leslie had already brought his cigarettes outside onto the shop’s porch to smoke and I sat down next to him.
He put his arm around me and waited…after a minute I just looked at him and said, “So that’s how it is, huh?”
Then, with the most bitter tone I’ve ever heard out of Leslie (and that’s saying something since I sat through his divorce with him), “Yeah Audrey, apparently that’s how it is and it’s fucked up.”
Leslie told me that he didn’t know Adrian and I were still together. He’s always worked really hard to stay out of our relationship…and honestly, he’s done a damn good job of being Switzerland. But he assumed that when Adrian brought her home that he and I were through. Leslie also told me that it hadn’t been going on for that long (I think I know how long but it’s immaterial) but that Adrian seems to think it’s serious.
I laughed at that, “how serious can it be? Just a month ago he and I were going to buy a vehicle together.”
Leslie talked to me for quite a while and he let me cry, he let me yell, he let me be hurt and angry and confused. I suppose if this had to happen the way it did, there is no one else who could have been there for me quite the way Leslie was. I am truly thankful for him. Leslie has always told me that he informed Adrian upon meeting me; that no matter what happened in the future, Leslie would win me in the custody battle and Adrian would just have to deal with that. I can’t express what that means to me now.
The thing that hurts the most is that Adrian didn’t have the courage to tell me himself that he wanted out. It’s the only thing I ever asked of him…if he wanted to be done, do me the courtesy of telling me…don’t make me find out from someone else…and he couldn’t even do that. I’ve got to say, I never thought I would get to the point where I could utter the sentence: “At least Clark sent me a damn text message.”
Right now, I feel like a person who lost a limb to a train. See, when you lose a limb in a train accident, the trauma is so fast, so decisive, so forceful…there is no bleeding. The trauma cauterizes the wound instantly. You still have immense pain from the trauma, but the wound isn’t open. That’s how my heart feels. Adrian ended our relationship so coldly, so definitively…my soul is cauterized already. I am still devastated…but there isn’t much else there. I don’t even have a ton of anger even though I have every right to be angry.
I don’t even hate him. I hate what he did to me…but I don’t hate him. TO hate him would mean that I hate a part of myself…and I won’t do that. I accept all of me and I don’t regret any of the choices I made with him. I wouldn’t undo any of the last year.
PS: Anyone ever notice how much she looks like Rosanna Arquette??
This is the poem that has been at the forefront of my mind for the last couple weeks. Written by the brilliant Henry Rollins from the book, One From None:
I am weak Looking to get stronger When I open my eyes all the way It's all there is for me Kindness is strength It's easier to close a door, than to keep it open Hatred is easy Frustration is life on pause These are truths that are hard for me to deal with I learned a lot this year I think I am stronger than last year Self-creation is painful Trying to take my parent's blood out of mine Trying to stand on my own two feet Without leaning on someone else Looking to myself for total strength To be One From None
I'm not going into details on here but Adrian and I are over. But I will get stronger again and I will become all I am supposed to be. For now though, the shock is still sinking in and the pain is more than just fresh.
Sometimes even a slight return to normalcy can be enough to keep you off a ledge. That's kinda the way I feel today. I'm exhausted and my body is screaming at me; and yet, I'm happier than I have been in weeks.
I actually feel like there is some hope. Last month I had a few horrible experiences with a physical therapist who turned out to only be a "physical therapy license applicant" who not only had no idea what she was doing but couldn't even speak enough english to understand my needs. She ended up damaging my spinal cord again. The muscle seizures have started back up again and I am on more Baclofen than I would like.
There is good news here too though; I now have a new physical therapist. He has a private practice and he's awesome. I'm already seeing small improvements and he seems to really understand my health issues.
On that note, I've also been reading and researching a lot about Transverse Myelitis. There isn't a ton of research out there and only one research center exists in this country. Johns Hopkins has a center in Baltimore that is making great strides. All I know is that if I get sick again like I was in February, I'm going to Baltimore. If you're interested, information can be found here: Transverse Myelitis or here: Johns Hopkins
The last 48 hours have been one drama after another. I swear I thought the sky was falling yesterday. From work to family to life to emotions...everything seemed out of place and I felt like with the karma I had I must have bombed an orphanage in my past life.
I had a meeting in the morning that was supposed to be nothing more than "crossing the t's and dotting the i's" but it turned into a cluster of epic proportions. As of this afternoon, 90% of the drama is resolved...thanks to the world's best caterer and a fantastic six year old.
In the afternoon yesterday, Adrian and I went to look at bikes of the motorcycle variety. Adrian has wanted a bike for a long time and he and I have had all the talks and after everything, I am behind his decision completely. That's huge for me...most of you know how I feel about bikes in general. Anyway, we went to this place where supposedly his friend had hooked him up...not so much. These people were shady. We picked out the bike, "It's not a Nighthawk or a Nemisis...it's a NINJA...black...like my mood" we wanted and got to the part where they run my credit. The salesguy leaves for about 15 minutes and when he comes back he has a copy of my credit report. The conversation goes something like this: Salesguy: you have really good credit. Me: I know. Salesguy: You qualify for all the promotional offers. Me: I figured I would Salesguy: You don't qualify for a loan. Me: Que? What? How's that? Salesguy: Two of your credit cards are near their limits. Me: Are they maxed out? Are they in arrears? Salesguy: Well, no. Me: Are they in good standing? Salesguy: Well, yeah. Me: Then explain to me how I qualify for the promos, I have excellent credit and I can't get a loan. Salesguy: well...um...you haven't had credit for that long. Me: I'm 26, i have a good job and 7 years of excellent credit...that's unheard of. I can't be any older than I am. Salesguy: well...you could get a co-signer Me: Um, in case you missed it: I AM THE CO-SIGNER!! Salesguy: well you could come back with someone else Adrian: Uh no. We're out. Thanks for being shady. Babe there are other bikes in this town.
OY!! And Adrian was so disappointed too...that sucked!!! Grr. And I haven't even started to go into the actual drama of the last two days...perhaps when there is some resolution...
It's kinda how I've felt the last couple months. It's been about survival and I'm tired of just surviving. It's time to start thriving again. One little step at a time. My health may or may not improve any further...I'm not sure I care about that part anymore. I have learned to get by and still be me. Besides, that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Is it the Marines that say, "Pain is just fear leaving the body?" Yeah, I like that...I think I will hang on to that for a while.
Everywhere that I go There’s someone waitin to chain me Everything that I say There’s someone tryin to shortchange me I am only this way Because of what you have made me And I’m not gonna break
You can push me out the window I'll just get back up You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler truck And I won't give a fuck You can hang me like slave I'll go underground You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler but You can't keep me down ~~P!nk "18 Wheeler"
I'm done with holding back all the things I want to say and all the things I want to accomplish just because it might make other people uncomfortable or insecure. I am working my ass off, day in and day out, through incredible pain sometimes and it's an accomplishment...and definitely something I should be proud of. I'm learning that I don't have to apologize for being good at something. Adrian helped me to remember that I don't have to apologize for being smart or for educating myself. Now I just have to come to terms with workplace success. I am my own worst critic...I always have been. I have always held myself to higher standards than anyone else. Now it's time for me to stop standing in my own way. I'm proud of the things I've done in the last year.
The pain and heartache of a year ago is over. I have put it behind me...I have broken free of those demons and now I can move forward. I think it's about time to get that tattoo to commemorate it all...
I am regaining strength, mobility and energy each day. I have some sensation returning to my legs and torso and I am convinced that it won't be long now until I have my hands back to normal. I still have quite a bit of pain in my hands, and the constant reverberations in my spine are unpleasant at best; but I am worlds better than I was two weeks ago. So, I am thankful.
I had an appointment with the rhuematologist on Wednesday. She has determined (Drumroll please) that I have: Lupus.
Anyone surprised? Anyone? At least this is a formal diagnosis and allows me to begin treatments. I also know know the extent of my lupus. It's not advanced enough to be classified systemic. (That's a good thing) and so far, only my joints and Neurological systems seem to be involved. I'm starting on a medication called Plaquenil which is supposed to have a high success rate for treating Lupus and a low rate of side-effects.
Anyway, the rhuematologist says that even with all the tests they've done, they still can't say what caused the initial inflammation in my spine. THey do know that once the inflammation occurred, it caused the lesion that was already present between my C4 and C5 vertabrea to exert pressure and cause transverse myelitis in my spine...hence the loss of sensation. (In my head it was funnier to say cessation of sensation...but I refrained from too much Dr. Suess)
I am also cleared to go back to work part-time starting on Monday!! I can't work more than three full days in a week, but that's okay. I will take what I can get right now. I can't wait to get back there. No more sitting around on the couch!! WooHoo!!
So, now ya'll know as much as I do, which granted isn't that much at all. Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers and encouragement.
Ok, so I stole this idea from the fabulous Miss Joan it just took me longer (as usual) to write it. So here is an almost entirely new list of things.
I'm an Aries/Taurus Cusp kid. I was born directly in the center of the "Week of Power" which should explain a lot.
I used to speak fluent Spanish…I even dream in Spanish when I'm really tired.
While I was in college I taught myself Latin. I also read and comprehend French.
I lived in N. Hollywood for a while. The city sucked...the apartment rocked. You can see it in Fast and the Furious.
I used to be head of PR for an independent clothing company…we had a huge celebrity following but the start-up capital wasn't there and the company folded despite its popularity.
I used to live in Mexico every summer...if I could move back there for good I would do it in a heart beat.
My scariest moment happened before my senior year in high school. I was almost kidnapped in Mexico. I was dragged two blocks and down some stairwell before anyone got to me. If one of my friends hadn't been there...I wouldn't be here now. To this day I will not willingly set foot in Tijuana.
I like a man who knows how to use his hands; in fact, hands are one of the first physical features I notice on a man.
My favorite place to watch a sunset is the Ferry Landing in Coronado
My favorite artist is Shano; my favorite poets are Viggo Mortensen and Henry Rollins
I was born a firstborn...but after my parents adopted or took in other kids, I am now a third born....I'm still not used to being bossed around.
It’s been three years, but when I tell time my brain still automatically calculates the time in Iraq.
I see other people's dreams all the time. Sometimes more vividly than they see it themselves...it used to scare me.
I dream walk...I have since I was 5 years old. It gets kinda crowded in my head sometimes.
There are three people I feel to the core of my being at all times.
If given the opportunity, I would trade my opposite soul for what’s behind door #2.
I wasn't always an insomniac. It started when Clark went overseas…only recently has my body readjusted from Operation Iraqi Freedom time.
Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.
I am irrationally terrified of lawn gnomes. I really do freak out if I see one unexpectedly.
I'm also afraid of green parrots...I don't like birds, but it's mostly green parrots that scare me.
The first concert I ever went to was the Moody Blues when I was three.
I am a recovered anorexic purger. I don’t ever get on scales. If required to, I face backwards and close my eyes…just in case.
I have colored my hair since I was 11...I don't actually know what my "natural" hair color would be now.
I was a competitive cheerleader when I was a kid. Then, I coached cheer in college. I was also in colorguard in high school. (I know MOH is cringing to read this) ;-)
I was a ballet dancer for 12 years. I passed all my examinations through the Royal Academy of Ballet, London. That means I fall gracefully.
I quit dancing to ride horses competitively. I own two horses but I haven't ridden since high school.
I have broken all of my toes except my big toes. (Some more than once). I've also broken three ribs, my tailbone and my elbow....only a few of these happened because of my clumsiness.
The only food I really crave is California burritos from Santana's. They only have Santana's in San Diego County…well, and sometimes I crave chiliquiles
My house in San Diego almost burned down in the fires two years ago...the dirt lot was all that saved it....most of the neighborhood was damaged or destroyed
I used to sing karaoke every week with professional drag queens
I'm still friends with my kindergarten best friend (I'm her daughter's godmother)
My first boyfriend is now a professional bull rider
I can't stand wearing anything other than a g-string during the day.
I am a die hard football fan. I love my 49ers in the good years and the bad. You don't want to see me if is miss a game. I live for football season.
I got hooked on basketball the year the kings got Mike Bibby. It was coincidence...but now he's my favorite player. He also lives in my home town
I used to be a seatfiller and crowd controller for awards shows. I don’t get to go anymore because I have grown-up responsibilities.
I LOVE to drive. Driving fast relaxes me.
Lancers are my favorite car...if I had a million dollars to spend on a car...I would still buy a Lancer....it would be the Ralliart Edition though or the Evo VIII. (I don't like the new ones)
Doc Holiday (the best known vocal coach and producer in Hollywood) told me I had a great singing voice. (He caught me singing Michael Jackson songs in the hallway of a hotel when I was working security)
I still love cartoons. Rocky and Bullwinkle are the greatest. I even named my Pomeranian Natasha Fatale (we call her Tiny) because I loved Rocky and Bullwinkle so much. She was the greatest villain…did every thing in heels and full make-up and her hair was always perfect.
I've gotten the suicide call from someone I loved. (He's actually ok as far as I know)
Except for pot, I have NEVER done any illegal drug. Pot was only twice and I have an adverse reaction to it...it makes me aggressive and downright mean. I can't even get contact high
A contact high was the reason I got kicked out of a Tim McGraw concert...I got in a fight with a dumb bitch who was picking on some kids.
If it weren’t for Adrian and the new job, I would move to Chattanooga TN in a heartbeat...other than that I wouldn't want to leave Cali...except maybe to go to Mexico.
I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.
My extended family is really close...my cousins are like my siblings.
It takes a lot to offend me. I grew up in a fire house and it shows. It’s actually the only way I can survive where I work now
I make less money as a contractor working for Homeland Security than I did working as a receptionist at a seafood distribution plant.
I hate sleeping alone. I sleep much better with someone else. Staying with Adrian is actually what ended my insomnia.
If I could quit my jobs for a year and have my bills taken care of I would go get my mechanic's license.
I free-lance as a make-up artist and I would quit my job tomorrow to work for MAC.
I only wear MAC make-up and I convert everyone I come into contact with.
I almost never leave the house without full make-up on…I figure that other people have to look at me too.
It pisses me off when people don’t even bother to brush their hair before leaving the house.
I love tall heels. I have probably 30-40 pairs of tall heels.
I've been told that I should work for a 900 number
I won't date a man who is shorter than me...I'm only 5'3...I don't think that's asking a lot
I used to be a compulsive weight lifter...I used to bench press my body weight...the decline is my favorite...
I got out of running stadiums in high school because I bet my PE teacher I could out bench her...I did and she didn't make me do stadiums for the rest of the year
I've been an EMT since I was 18 and I LOVE EMS work…I thrive under pressure.
I will sacrifice of myself if someone I care about needs me. I am loyal to a fault. I stand up for the people I care about to my own detriment.
I used to skip class in high school to go beat old men at pool.
I got kicked out of my parents’ house on a routine basis from the time I was 15 until I was 21. (the last year I didn't live there but they still had my stuff) To this day I’m not quite sure why they kicked me out most of the time.
It doesn't bother me if strangers make assumptions about me but it pisses me off when my friends do
I am much better at long distance friendships than I ever thought I would be
My grandma is one of my biggest heroes. I want to be like her
My biggest struggle with organized religion is the hypocrisy of other "Christians"
I am completely left-handed...I only have a right arm so I don't appear unbalanced
I don't believe in rebound relationships. Two reasons: 1) there aren't enough good ones to go fucking them up with drama 2) if he's not one of the good ones, then I don't want to waste my time
My English teacher during my senior year of high school is the reason that I went to college and that I understand my faith.
I wish I had even a fraction of the writing ability of MOH.
I rarely like “chick flick” movies, but every once in a while, I fall in love with a cheesy Hallmark movie.
I despise working with women…I love that my current job has me working with 28 men and three females.
I relate to everything through music…I only wish I could be as articulate with my own thoughts.
Sahaj Ticotin’s voice has gotten me through all of my tough times since I first heard him six years ago.
I’m not particularly superstitious, but I do think that much of my recent drama is because I broke my rearview mirror two days before Christmas.
I’ve lived near the Napa Valley for much of my life, but I despise all wine I’ve ever tried…I just never acquired the taste.
My libido could power a third world country…I think that intimidates some of the guys I hang out with.
If I ever get married, I want a Mardi Gras-type wedding…based on several of Shano’s paintings.
Most people are surprised to find out that I only have one tattoo and I only got that one recently.
One of the best pieces I’ve ever received came from my dad. He told me, “Always remain childlike without being childish.”
My passport only has one stamp in it and I think that is a tragedy. I want to fill all of the pages.
I have a tendency to quote movies…frequently.
Halloween and Christmas are my favorite holidays.
Almost every weekday (and some weekends) for the last six months I have gotten a venti unsweetened black iced tea from the same Starbucks. I won’t hardly darken the doors of another Starbucks…I love mine too much.
I love to cook but I hate to eat whatever I’ve made. I would much rather feed others.
I met one of my old roommates on a street corner in San Francisco.
It grosses me out not have my toenails painted….they are always red or burgundy.
I collect Rosie the Riveter stuff…the more unusual the better.
I really want children…whether I give birth to them or adopt is immaterial.
Most days at work I’m afraid that someone will realize that I am completely unqualified for my job and take it away from me.
Some days I wish they would and then I could go back to just being a receptionist.
I almost mailed a postcard in to Post Secret, but before I could, someone else mailed in the same secret as mine…the same way I was going to.
The last three places I’ve worked have nicknamed me porn star names.
A man growling in Spanish is one of my biggest turn-ons.
One of the biggest compliments I’ve received recently was being told by a spec ops soldier whose specialty is psychological warfare that I read people too well for mind games to actually be effective. He told me that very few people can see through him like I could.
I have failed “sensitivity training” before. I didn’t get offended at the right things and I said the wrong things out loud…personally, I think that’s how I get along better with people.
I used to spend my summers in “Tornado Alley” in Kansas…I’ve never been scared of tornados; but I’ve always had an unnatural fear of basements…I talked my parents out of buying a giant Victorian house one time because I was so terrified of the basement I wouldn’t set foot back inside that house.
There are very few words that really bother me…most are racial slurs…the others would surprise most people.
I firmly believe that a person can’t be happy with anyone else until they can be completely happy with themselves. Sometimes I wish I didn’t believe that so strongly.
I get scared at times that I will never have someone love me as deeply as my dad loves my mom.
The things I fall in love with person for are things that most people don’t even notice. For me, it’s the little things. Like with Adrian, it was actually his hands and the laugh lines around his eyes and the light that emanates from him that made me find him so very beautiful. I believe that you have to love a person for their flaws not in spite of them
"I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it." ~Audrey Hepburn
