Friday, December 30, 2005

Who'd have thought?

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Ok so this is just for fun, of course, but I got a link from a friend of mine that matches you with the celebrities you most resemble. It uses some sort of facial structure recognition technology...I don't understand it; all I know is I like what it had to say. ;-)

Apparently, I most resemble Sofia Coppola (69% match), Angelina Jolie (66% match) and Kim Novak (63% match)...not too bad. So go play for yourselves and let me know what you come up with.

Oh, and look closely at the default face...she should be easily recognizable. ;-)

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Some Things

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There are a few things I've learned (or at least realized) in the last few days.

  • Just when you think life might settle down; there will be a curve ball

  • I have far more patience then I ever thought possible

  • There are some people whose actions I will never comprehend

  • There are some people who will never be happy because they refuse to let themselves see beauty in anything

  • Those people make me alternately angry and sad

  • Sleep is underrated

  • I can never underestimate the power of faith and hope

  • Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else in the world to be right for me

  • I have amazing friends and I am grateful for each one inside the circle

  • I am so ready to start a new year with a clean slate

  • I don't actually make resolutions and I don't stake a ton of importance on December 31st. I am ready for a new year. There are things I want and things I want to be done with. I will get into more details tomorrow.

    I was reading poetry by one of my favorites tonight. This one is called: What I've Learned Since Leaving the Ground ~ Sign Language

    Memories follow me
    To be ignorant
    of your past
    is a choice.
    To accept it
    in all forms,
    from place to place,
    continually ABSORBING
    all moments possible
    is not uncertainty,
    not naive.
    It is willingness
    to join soil, sound,

    Tuesday, December 27, 2005

    Holiday Bustle

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    First off, Rie, you and your family are in my prayers. Again, if you need anything, let me know. much love to you.

    I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was busy but uneventful. Mom and I cooked enough food to feed an army (even though we somehow forgot to make any pie...if it hadn't been for the candy I think we would have been in danger of having our Midwesterner cards revoked). The entire extended family...well everyone still in Cali...came to my mom and dad's house for dinner. Even my older siblings came up...everyone except Roxy...she had her own family for Christmas.

    Later Christmas night, when it was just the immediate family, we played Trivial usual my dad kicked my arse...but I did well otherwise. ;-)

    You know you've reached adult status when you are excited that your Christmas gifts are practical. I got a cookbook, kitchen utensils, tires for Kai and some school tuition...I couldn't have been happier. It's the little things in life after all.

    Speaking of little things: to my dear friend, thanks for introducing me to
    Marc Broussard's music. He's fantastic.

    "Home" By Marc Broussard

    Saturday, December 24, 2005

    Christmas Time

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    Merry Christmas!! I am off to my parents' for the weekend. We're gonna cook way too much food and have a wonderful time. I hope each of you has a fantastic and relaxing Christmas! I'll be back to write next week. I'm going to spend time with friends I haven't seen in forever. :-)

    Thursday, December 22, 2005

    Christmas movies

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    Ok, so I was actually contemplating writing about my favorite Christmas movies and then I stopped over at this lovely lady's place. She had the same great idea; so I am in effect stealing this meme since she wrote hers first.

    So here it goes, my top 5 favorite Christmas movies (or at least ones that make it feel like Christmas):

    1. A Christmas Story. This one is a classic!! It's my dad's favorite movie and so I grew up watching this one. You have to watch it, if for no other reason than to see Flick stuck to a pole.

    2. The Santa Clause 1 and 2. These count as one movie in my mind and I almost always watch them in tandem. Tim Allen is hilarious...that's really all there is to it. I love these.

    3. It's a Wonderful Life. A bit cliched maybe, but to me, this movie is the embodiment of Christmas. My mom and I used to watch it several times in the days leading up to Christmas. I used to run around with various angel ornaments saying, "Everytime a bell rings, another angel gets his wings." (Hey, it was cute when I was four)

    4. Small One. This is an old Disney cartoon that most people don't know...but I loved it. I used to cry every single time I watched as a child...I saw it about three years ago and I cried then too. It's a sweet story about the unwanted donkey who ends up having an important job.

    5. A Disney Christmas and White Christmas tie for the last spot on this list. White Christmas, like It's A Wonderful Life, is a classic all on its own. I love the dancing and the singing...and Bing Crosby. But, there is something to be said for the joy I felt watching the Disney Christmas cartoon montage as a child. I loved Chip & Dale and Donald in the gift wrapping department...or Goofy trying to learn to ski. Ah...those were hilarious.

    Ok, so maybe the fact that I haven't watched any of these movies recently could be contributing to my serious case of "bah humbug". Hmmm...perhaps tonight is the night to start.

    Right now, the song that most fits my mood is Christmas Wrapping...the Save Ferris version.

    Ho Ho Ho woke up this morning with a scary feeling
    Realized it was November first
    Christmas oh my god its nearing
    What am I to do I said
    Then I covered up my head
    Prayed for sleep for two more months until this holy mess is over
    Wasn't that lucky, I turned on the TV
    Beanie Babies on the news
    Biggest selling gift this year
    What's a tired Jew to do?
    So TV off, Try to escape,
    Called my Friend from Silver lake
    Said to meet on Fairfax for some coffee and a kruegal

    Talked about our fear and dread of tinsel lights and parties
    Suddenly like a bad dream
    Fairfax was transformed into a holiday paradise
    everywhere was Hanukkah
    Shiny, Sparkly, blue and white isn't this a little soon?
    I got up quick ran to the mall
    Before my pain got any worse
    What a stupid thing to do
    I'm a sitting duck in Santa's zoo
    Suddenly I couldn't walk
    I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move
    Children running everywhere
    Screaming, "tis the season"

    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I think Ill miss this one this year
    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I think Ill miss this one this year

    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I think Ill miss this one this year
    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I think Ill miss this one this year

    December first the pains have gone
    Thought about Adam's Hanukkah song
    He forgot to mention me
    Thats ok his song was better
    Photograph on Santa's lap
    I'm over my fear of shopping
    Bought gifts for all my goim friends
    One for each, not eight
    Sorting cards from all my friends
    Sweet of them to take the time
    One pile for all the Christmas cards
    from friends who just don't get it yet
    Hanukkah day on overload, I just can't stop eating
    I have so many latke's that my tush is going to explode

    I tried to walk it off and so I went to the Kabbalah Center
    just to kill some time I
    thought I spotted Madonna
    Christmas Day, Hanukkah's done
    Woke up feeling funny
    Maybe its cuz I lost half my hair and
    I have spent all of my money
    Whats a Jew to do today?
    L.A. is a ghost town
    Looks just like another year of movies and Chinese food
    Then suddenly I laughed and laughed and
    caught on to that was happening
    Christmas magic brought this tale to a very happy ending

    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    I couldn't miss this one this year
    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I couldn't miss this one this year

    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I couldn't miss this one this year
    Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
    But I couldn't miss this one this year

    Monday, December 19, 2005

    Walk Away

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    The following song fits two very different situations in my life in very converse ways. Last night I rested...really rested. The more balanced my soul becomes, the more impatient I become...not that I am going to take any action sooner than it's wise. I am examining many facets of my life and the connections I have to others. It's enlightening and freeing...

    Bonds deepen, understanding grows
    Balance reclaimed, an engulfing calm,
    An air of giddiness that reaches great depths
    It's about damn time.

    I'm walking away from troubles in my life

    I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
    I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
    (chorus X2)
    I'm walking away

    Sometimes some people get me wrong,
    when it's something I've said or done
    Sometimes you feel there is no fun,
    that's why you turn and run
    But now I truly realize,
    some people don't want to compromise
    Well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies and
    Well I don't want to live a lie,
    too many sleepless nights
    Not mentioning the fights,
    I'm sorry to say lady


    Well I'm so tired baby
    Things you say,
    you're driving me away
    Whispers in the powder room baby,
    don't listen to the games they play
    Girl I thought you'd realize,
    I'm not like them other guys
    Cuz I saw them with my own eyes,
    you should have been more wise, and
    I don't wanna live a lie,
    too many sleepless nights
    Not mentioning the fights,
    I'm sorry to say lady

    CHORUS(Repeat to end)

    Friday, December 16, 2005

    It's Official

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    I am now officially a starving college student once again. I found out this morning that all my paperwork is in order and I was able to register for classes. Before ya'll get too excited, it's just community college and it's only part-time. But I am going back to school...of my own volition even. :-) I never thought I would be excited to go back (I was so burned out when I quit last time) but here I am almost two years later. I am taking classes I want to take; not following any specific checklist. I don't have any particular paper goal in mind step at a time.

    I am in a good place these days. I am still withdrawn and introverted; but I am balanced and I am happy. I'm still not using too many words at this time; but I am perfectly ok with that. I haven't been sleeping much, but now the sleep I get is more peaceful. It's nice to feel the difference when you find someone who calms you: mind, body and soul. As is always the case for me, this situation is complex and confusing...but I haven't been so grounded and happy in a long time; so right now I refuse to question it. I am so certain in what I know to be true that even being patient doesn't seem daunting.

    For the first day in a long while, the gloomyness of the day outside is having no effect on my mood. Happy Friday ya'll. I hope it's a good one. I will be spending my weekend helping my mom and my nieces prepare Christmas candy and cookies. I think I might just be able to get into the Christmas spirit this year after all.

    Wednesday, December 14, 2005

    Still Kicking

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    this is an audio post - click to play

    Tuesday, December 13, 2005


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    I haven't written much as of late, I know that and I'm sorry for my silence, but the real world has been taking precedence, as should be the case. At any rate, I hope to resume more regular writing very soon. There are a lot of changes occuring for me and I am rolling with it all. If I feel up to it, ya'll may get another audio post out of me. Sorry about the quality of the last one...cell phones and all.

    For now, I have stolen a meme from the fabulous Ms. Rae.

    Seven Thing to Do Before I Die
    1. Travel Europe

    2. Rebuild a 1970 Chevy Chevelle California Edition...without dropping it off to the boys

    3. finish college

    4. get married and have a family (yeah i'm traditional every now and then)

    5. visit every state in the country

    6. learn at least two more languages (right now the front-runners are Hawaiian and French)

    7. Live in Mexico at least once more

    Seven Things I Cannot Do
    1. juggle more than one physical object at a time (I'm a great multi-tasker however)

    2. snow ski

    3. write simultaneously with both hands

    4. stand pretentious people (I feel that one Rae)

    5. say the alphabet backwards, and yes, I've tried to learn

    6. draw anything even remotely resembling art

    7. live without hope

    Seven things that attract me to… (foreign and domestic bodies)
    for the record, this is about the most weirdly worded question
    1. expressive eyes

    2. a deep and open soul

    3. sarcastic sense of humor

    4. broad shoulders

    5. frequently DCUs or some other type of uniform

    6. deeply-rooted faith

    7. strength mixed with compassion

    Seven things I say most often
    1. oy vey

    2. love you

    3. whatever

    4. I quit

    5. yeah yeah

    6. when I grow up

    7. these days shit, damn, hell makes the list

    Seven books (or series) that I love
    1. Fight Club

    2. Blackhawk Down

    3. The Jack Ryan books by Tom Clancy

    4. assorted plays of Shakespeare

    5. Coincidence of Memory

    6. Machiavelli's the Prince

    7. the Frances children's books

    Seven movies I watch over and over again
    1. Tomb Raider (both of them)

    2. Love Actually

    3. anything with the Rock

    4. 10 Things I Hate About You

    5. Breakfast at Tiffany's

    6. Roman Holiday

    7. Fast and the Furious (1 and 2)

    Sunday, December 11, 2005

    To Every Season

    this is an audio post - click to play

    Friday, December 09, 2005

    Balance is Beautiful

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    Things are not perfect...far from it actually; but I am in balance. I am more balnced today than I have been in months. It is a beautiful feeling. Right now I don't even care how long it lasts; I am going to enjoy it for as long as possible.

    I am at the point where I know what I want and I see the possiblity (granted it's a ways off) of getting what I want and I am content with the knowledge of what could be.

    Happy Friday ya'll. If you're in the area, G's last weekend starts's Fire night...

    So Far, So Good ~ Thornley

    I feel a little bit left of center
    But then again we've all been there before
    Every time I see a lost cause coming
    It's nothing less, nothing more
    Every time I get lost in paradise
    I find a way to screw it up somehow
    Ain't the way it's supposed to be
    But it'll do for now

    When you're right, you're right
    Everything else in my life just might be wrong
    You're wrong all the time

    So far so good cause no one knows I'm faking
    I wish I could show you the toll it's taking
    Sometimes I live as if there's no tomorrow
    So far so good

    I better find a way to cross my fingers
    Half the luck'll get me twice as far
    I'm sick and tired of coming up for air
    It shouldn't be this hard
    Every little bit'll help, I wonder
    If it's enough or did I cross the line
    The kitchen counter is a bad reminder of a better time

    When you're right, you're right
    Everything else in my life just might be wrong
    You're wrong all the time

    So far so good cause no one knows I'm faking
    I wish I could show you the toll it's taking
    Sometimes I live as if there's no tomorrow
    So far so good

    When you're right
    Everything else you messed up just might be wrong
    You're wrong all the time

    So far so good cause no one knows I'm faking
    I wish I could show you the toll it's taking
    Sometimes I live as if there's no tomorrow
    So far so good
    So far so good cause no one knows I'm faking
    I wish I could show you the toll it's taking
    Sometimes I live as if there's no tomorrow
    So far so good

    Tuesday, December 06, 2005

    The Sky Is Falling

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    No, I'm not Chicken Little and I'm not even being overly dramatic. It is yet again true that whenever it rains, it pours.

    If it was within my power, I would ask to go back 96 hours and undo much of what has transpired within my world. Not for myself, but for the people I care deeply about. The list of people within my circle who are dealing with immense drama/ heartache/ sadness is much longer than the list of those who are alright.

    My heart is heavy and my soul is drained...though I am near the bottom of my priority list right now. I will be just's others who have my energy for now.

    A brief recap for the rest of the class: Friday afternoon Grace received a phone call from Little Brother. The bottom dropped out of his world and the end result was that I drove to Castaic and back in a straight shot. I left work early and drove from 3:30pm to 2:30 am... needless to say, it was a long and very emotional day.

    Saturday was also emotionally draining as well...though the night contained more than its share of light. I got home at around 4am, exhausted but more with more light than I have had in a long time. Grace and I took Little Brother to G's bar and for most of the night it was just our group of friends there. I left there with quite a bit of mental balance. I love having people who don't need spoken word to pass between us for a conversation to ensue.

    I needed every ounce of light I acquired Saturday to just get through Sunday. At least emotionally, if you only looked at the physical plane, Sunday was a good day. T and I went to the city for the game. We lost, but it was a good game and we had fantastic seats. It was a blast, just like always. Once we got home from the City, we went to a party for G's sissy. By the time we got there it was just our crew so I was ok...I was so not in the right emotional place to meet a lot of new people.

    Kee sent me to bed by 2am because my energy was so lacking...he slept too so I got a little rest. Not nearly enough, but more than I would have otherwise.

    Yesterday, I only lasted about two hours at work before I was sent home. They could see that I wasn't myself and my mind wasn't up to speed. In this job, I don't get to have mental "off" days. Comprehension is everything...and I wasn't comprehending a damn thing.

    After a horrid, terror-filled nap I sought out some light and I have regained balance. I am still tired but I now have energy and light to support the people I need to. I love being with the people who don't need me to find the words...sometimes it's nice to have an open connection without the need for a stream of speech.

    Some of this will settle in soon...other parts will take much longer. Thanks for your patience and concern, ya'll. You are amazing.

    Friday, December 02, 2005

    Paper Tigers

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    I have always known that I was a bit different than my friends. I have always been older than most of the people with whom I associate...though chronologically, I am usually the youngest. I am, in many ways, a study in opposites. I have written lately about embracing the gray. But when it comes to my life; I am very much a first-born with a iron-clad sense of black and white. I know which things in life are absolutes and those don't waver...the rest of it...well I hear gray is a lovely color.

    I am an intense person...I can be a lot to deal with at times. As intense as I may be, I also have the ability to calm. Those around me tend to feed off of my energy (though only a few can drain me) frequently without even realizing they have done so. When someone new enters my inner circle they have a tendancy to cling tightly. Spending any significant amount of time around me will most likely result in you picking up my mannerisms, speech patterns, and if you're female: my jacked up hormones.

    There are a few people in my life who are much stronger, wiser, and older than I. These are the people I cling to. Some of these people have been with me for ages...some I have known on this physical plane for years; others I have only recently come to know in a traditional sense. I have inextricable bonds with these individuals. I have written many times before about the soul connections I have with other people. There are a two people in my life right now with whom that connection surpasses even this. Believe me, it's incredibly bizarre for me to even say that out loud. But, it is truth and since this entire blog is about expressing truth I have to be brutally honest with myself.

    My dreams have been fitful as of late. The creatures that haunt my sleep are again prowling. They aren't nearly as frightening as they used to be. Not that I underestimate any of them, actually the opposite is true. Each night I become more and more aware of the strength of each individual; however, I also have learned to trust those who are in my path to help me. For the time being, I am safe. As the world around me continues to spin offkilter, I become more centered. Maybe it's the imbalance in my own body...maybe it's the freedom of releasing control...maybe it's nothing more than hiding behind those who are stronger than I. Whatever the cause, I am content with the outcome.

    Paper Tigers ~ Jaci Velasquez

    Heart pounds
    to the sound
    comin' after me
    Step back
    what is that?
    It's a mystery
    Is it somethin'
    Probably nothing
    Still I find a way
    to scare my self
    'till I remember
    this all feels familiar
    And I know better.

    They are only paper tigers following me
    In the wild imagination of the make believe
    And there's a fighter a survivor
    Arising in me
    I'm not afraid of paper tigers

    Night brings
    creepy things
    and I hide away
    False fears disappear
    In the light of day
    The sun is rising
    I'm realizing
    The only thing to fear is fear itself
    Now I'm certain
    That my beast of burden
    Isn't worth the worry

    ...and I won't run away from Paper Tigers...

    Thursday, December 01, 2005

    Embracing the Gray

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    A good friend told me yesterday (after reading what I wrote on Tuesday) that Sometimes being gray is exactly the right color. Ya know, she is absolutely right. I am settling into a new pattern. I am still confused, but no longer scared of the confusion that swirls though my mind. I have finally accepted some things that I had refused to really think about until recently.

    I was talking to another friend of mine on Tuesday and he said something that really hit me over the head. He was talking about something entirely different, but his words resonated in me.

    I have also learned through much observation, experience and teachings, that a person won't change unless they want to change. If their actions are working to be consistent to want to change, then a little waiting might be called for. If they do not act consistent with change (them wanting to change, not me telling them I want them to change), then it is not their intention to change and waiting is a waste of time.

    Take that however ya'll want that...I haven't given up faith nor have my beliefs changed, but I do feel like many specific pieces have come into the light and subsequently into focus for me. For the time being I am content to be gray. I know where I stand and I know what I want...I will find balance, just as I always step at a time.

    Serenity ~ Godsmack

    As I sit here and slowly close my eyes
    I take another deep breath
    And feel the wind pass through my body
    I'm the one in your soul
    Reflecting inner light
    Protect the ones who hold you
    Cradling your inner child

    I need serenity
    In a place where I can hide
    I need serenity
    Nothing changes, days go by

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control

    Tragic visions slowly stole my life
    Tore away everything
    Cheating me out of my time
    I'm the one who loves you
    No matter wrong or right
    And every day I hold you
    I hold you with my inner child

    I need serenity
    In a place where I can hide
    I need serenity
    Nothing changes, days go by

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control

    (break vocals in background)

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control

    I need serenity [x2]