Audrey
Certain of Uncertainty
This week, I have the distinct privilege of hosting Seven Inches of Service. The fabulous Miss Joan is taking a much deserved break, so I am trying valiantly to fill her boots. ;-)We picked a topic that is close to all of our hearts, so this week, we wrote about: "How to keep the doubts from destroying you when your soldier is gone."
When you are in a long distance relationship, it can be difficult to escape doubt. When that long distance relationship is caused by a deployment, all the normal fears escalate. Not only is there geographical distance but there is emotional distance as well. Once your soldier puts on his war face it's even worse.
This doubt is screaming in my face,
in this familiar place, sheltered and concealed.
If this night won't let me rest,
Don't let me second guess what I know to be real.
There are many times over course of my relationship with Clark that I have doubted myself or us. It's not easy so remain strong when the man you love is thousands of miles away and doesn't have the ability to give anything more than infrequent reassurance. As I've said so many times before, Clark put on his war face without warning and I was left confused and devastated until I was able to process the reality of the situation so that I could begin my own process of readying for war.
When I felt Clark withdraw from me and our relationship, I panicked. What happened? Things were going so well! We didn't fight, we could talk about anything and everything, we were falling completely in love...what changed? What did I do? What didn't I do that I should have? (For me, there was an added insecurity...army hookers, I'll explain, I swear) All these questions and more haunted me for a while...they still do on a bad day.
So, the next question is, "how do I keep the doubt from consuming me?" Well, there are several different things that help; though nothing is 100% effective except having Clark beside me. While he was deployed, I used to read and reread the letters, emails and instant message conversations between us. I saved all the important text messages I could...in fact, here we are almost three years later and I still have some of them. Clark did something very sweet the night before he left to help me. He sent me one text after another until I had a collection of about ten. He told me not to open them until he was gone, and then only one at a time. He knew I would need to remember how much he loved me.
While he was overseas, there were several (believe me, I wish i was exaggerating) females (or "flea-males" as Clark called them) who went to extraordinary lengths to try to screw Clark. One even had the audacity to tell him that if I loved Clark at all, I would be ok with him cheating because I should want him to be fulfilled. If I wasn't insecure before...damn! I almost put my hand through a brick wall when I heard that story. But, Clark always told me the whole story...even when it would have been easier for him to have just kept quiet; he figured that I would find out one way or another and he would prefer that I hear exactly what happened without feeling like I had to pull the truth out of him.
So on one hand, knowing that those girls were out there...beside the man I love...caused me to have some doubts; knowing that Clark was so committed to us, even with all the opportunities that presented themselves, aleviated most of the uncertainty I had. When he called, Clark always told me he loved me and made sure to remind me to think about our future together.
Making plans together helped a lot too...I knew that whether we actually did all the things we talked about or not was immaterial. What mattered was that we were thinking about our future.
I also had an amzing network of support comprised of other Army girlfriends and wives who were going through the same deployment at the same time. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone. These girls were there at all hours of the night, willing to talk about anything that I needed to. All of us Service sisters went through deployments together, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.
Even though Clark has been home for nearly two years, these doubts still work their way into my subconcious; the way Clark moves through my life and my soul keeps me both captivated and at times pushed aside. We have never needed words between us and that bond is what holds us through the ups and downs of this life. Loving him has brought both the highest mountain peaks and the lowest valley basins into my life.
Giving into the doubt is not an option for me. Even when I doubt myself, I am constantly reminded that every fiber of my being knows innately that Clark loves me and that eventually we will find the balance that we seek together. We are inexplicably and eternally linked to one another. We both understand that while this life may make no sense, together the world is clearer.
I have come to understand that the pain of passing doubt and confusion is nothing compared to the pain of giving in to the doubt and losing hope.
Lauren
Listen to Your Heart
Lauren Listen to Your Heart
This weeks topic is one that is probably on most Army girlfriends hearts. Our soldiers are very far away and it is natural for our minds to wander, especially when we don't have communication for days, weeks, or even months at a time. So, how do you keep the doubt from destroying you?
First of all, I put trust into my boyfriend. He tells me that he is doing such and such so I believe him. Yes, this is very hard to do, especially in some circumstances, but I try my hardest. I know he loves me so I do my best to put faith into our relationship. (Praying about our relationship and his devotion also helps.)
I am also very good at asking questions. I ask and ask so that I can learn about what he is doing so that I may have a better understanding. Sometimes knowing more about what he is involved in helps me to not worry as much when I don't hear from him for a while.
I won't lie though, I am a very big worry wart. During times that I am killing myself with doubt I overanalyze everything! I find ease in talking with friends who are also military spouses, because they too know what it is like being far from their loved one. I usually get reassurance from them when they remind me that he has a job to do, even when that means he can't communicate with me. Talking, just getting it all out and off my chest, helps me. (I just feel sorry for my friends who hear me say the same thing day after day!)
The only other thing that I have found to work is reminiscing. I think back to all of our good times and things he has said to me, then I know that everything will be okay.
My only suggestion of what not to do while in doubt is leaving a message accusing him of wrongdoing. Chances are that by the time he gets it, you will have already found out what he was doing or what was going on. I know this from personal experience. lol. (Good thing I didn't say something really bad!)
So listen to your heart, not your brain!
Lauren Bacall
One Wild Night
Havin' as much fun as you can in your clothes
Margarita had me feelin' alright
Just might be I found religion
I've been on my knees for half of the night
I'm rolling the bones with Jimmy 'no dice'
Gonna take him for a couple weeks' pay
Man, if you lose this roll I take your girlfriend home
So I stopped
But you're not gonna believe who comes walking out
One wild night (blinded by the moonlight)
One wild night (24 hours of midnight)
One wild night (I stepped into the twilight zone
And she left my heart with vertigo)
One wild night (hey, c'est la vie)
One wild night (welcome to the party)
One wild night (life is for the living so You gotta
live it up, come on let's go)
One wild, one wild, one wild, one wild night
That would just about sum up my Friday night. It was crazy and surreal and did I mention that I didn't get home until 6am? Yeah that's right sportsfans...I'm not as old as I feel sometimes. It happened like this:
Grace and I had S over for dinner. He had been bugging us about when we were going to make him dinner (remember he signed our lease a few months ago to get us into this fabulous place? we owed him) so we told him to pick a night...he picked Friday so there we were. We had dinner (it was fantastic, Grace) and watched movies. We watched Spy Game and Three Kings (I was in the mood for BDU's ok?? So not my fault...hehehe) Anyway, at about 11:45 or so, my phone rang...it was Clark.
He was having a meltdown like no other. Ok, so that's not the perfect word choice since he's had other meltdowns like this...but not for a while. Anyway, it was brutal...I actually cried on the phone and ya'll know how infrequently I cry. But he was talking like he has given up on everything and everyone, himself included of course. It broke my heart to hear him like that and to know that he still only lets me in part of the way. Anyway, we had a long talk and I told him that I was coming over...he was completely drunk at that point.
He asked to talk to Grace and she told him (among other things) that we were coming over so he better stay put. I raced the 30 miles between my house and his and when we got there, he was a wreck. I got him into the car and since he wanted to go "out" I decided that we would head out to G's bar.
He was too drunk to drive, so for the first time in three years, I drove us. See, he's one of the best drivers I've ever seen...sober or drunk. One of the first things I ever heard anyone say about him was that, "Clark can drive anything with wheels and many things without." It's true...another thing that is true: he's a bitch when he's not driving...the worst "back seat driver" ever!! Leave it to a streetracer! ;-) Anyway, we got to G's bar just fine...and just in time to miss last call.
Fortunately, we know the bouncer so he let us in to see G anyway. She asked us to stick around 'til she closed so we could hang out. So Grace and I entertained a drunk Clark until the bar cleared out. We ended up helping G clean the entire bar...it was actually a lot of fun. Then the four of us stayed there until 5am playing bar games, shooting pool and drinking.
It was a blast!! Clark settled down, the three of us girls got to give him a bad time...and he and I got to spend time together...something that has been too far and few between for my taste. I beat him at pool (he forgot that i used to skip class in high school to go to the pool hall and take old men for their quarters.) ;-) and he kicked my arse at the word game machine they have there...Clark plays dumb...but the man can spell...even drunk.
We finally all left around 5 and I was the only sober one...I had three fun, loud and amusing drunk asses in my car...I was a bit tipsy after the shots that we did...but ya'll know I won't drive if I'm not sober. So it was no thang...actually, by the time we left, I would have trusted Clark to drive...even though he'd been drinking...the man has incredible concentration. So not the point...the point is, G gives terrible directions. It was a good thing that Clark knew where we were going, because G had no idea. She finally resorted to yelling out: Audrey's side or Clark's side depending on whether I needed to turn left or right. It was hilarious!!
Anyway, last night was nothing like I thought it would be...but it turned out to be one of the best nights any of us had had in a long time!! I do feel a little bad that Clark has drills this weekend...he had a PT test at 8 am this morning...I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep at all last night...hehehe. At least he had fun...and so did the rest of us. ;-)
