Friday, October 28, 2005

Friday's Formation

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This piece is beautifully written and utterly heartbreaking. Zach certainly has a way with words. It's just further proof of the high sacrifices given by modern day heroes.

I thought
this was awesome! Sgt. Hook is up and running again, so if you haven't meandered over there yet, get ta steppin!! What are ya'll waiting for?

Another great article about why our soldiers serve. There is some good stuff out there today kids.

I am swamped at work today, so this is going to suffice for posting today. Sorry, but they actually expect me to spend some of my day working...I know, the audacity of some people. But I need to be off work on time today... tonight is Rascal Flatts!! Then karaoke out at G's bar. Woohoo!! Should be a if only the sun would come out! Have a great weekend ya'll!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Mea Culpa

Mea culpa. I apologize that it is now Thursday and there has been no mention around here of Seven Inches of Service. I am not the only one just trying to keep up with life right now; so as a result, I have given my fabulous service sisters the week off. In their stead I am posting something I wrote quite a while back while Clark was deployed. SIOService will be back up and running next week. Thanks for being so patient with us...there is good stuff coming
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When Clark was gone, there was one thing that made our relationship easier. That was the constant, and I mean quite literally glued to my ear, constant presence of my cell phone. Cell phones can cost a fortune, and there were months that my bill was $400 or so. But me having it meant that no matter where I was or whatever I was doing, if Clark had the opportunity to call, he could call me and we could talk, even if it was only for a couple minutes.

I programmed all the numbers Clark called from into my cell phone so as long as he was at BIAP or at least using the same calling system, I'd always know it was him!!! They came up on my phone like a regular number but the area code was usually some random place like Chicago or Nashville though he did get a couple LA ones, so I set it up in my phone so the calls would say either Kuwait (1-6) or Baghdad (1-5). That also made it easier to register in my brain when he would call me in the middle of the night. It’s a ten or eleven hour time difference depending on whether your soldier is in Kuwait or Iraq.

Either way, if it was morning for Clark, it was night for me, and vice versa. Whenever he could, Clark would call me early in the morning so he could be my alarm clock. He said that if he couldn’t be with me to wake me up, then at least he could be the first person I heard in the morning. It wasn’t a perfect system, but we definitely made the best of it.

Clark and I were very fortunate because where he was stationed, they had phone access; unreliable access at best, every four days. And Clark definitely made use of his time. He would call me his morning and his night so that with the time change I would get to talk to him two days in a row. It became normal for me to count time in units of four. To this day, when you ask me what time it is, my brain automatically figures out what time it is in Iraq as well.

Clark always said that for him, talking to me kept him sane and focused and that he needed me and our conversations to get through the days; that wasn’t the case for all the guys in his unit. For some of them, they only called home once a week simply because they said it was too painful, stressful or made them too homesick.

It's been my experience that most deployed soldiers call home, or at least their girlfriends, as often as they get the chance. This leads to a whole other set of issues however: the parents. If you, as the girlfriend have a good relationship with the parents, this part is much easier, or so I’m told.

I didn’t have the option of getting to know Clark’s parents before he left, and there were a few unhappy feelings, to say the least, on his mom’s part. Not because he called me, but rather because he would call me instead of them. I got phone calls every single phone day, there were a few exceptions, but that falls into a different deployment category (ya know, the whole flexibility and Army planning portion). His parents on the other hand, got calls every few weeks, or basically every time I would tell Clark that if he didn’t call his parents by next phone day I wouldn’t talk to him until he had. His mom and dad knew about me and that he was calling me, but that didn’t make them feel any better about being skipped on phone day. I encouraged Clark frequently to call his family and most of the other girlfriends I know encourage their soldiers to call home.

Even with those efforts, there was still some resentment; and honestly, I can't say that I even blame Clark's mom for that. I don't think I would have been particularly thrilled with the situation had our roles been reversed. However, I did the best I could and eventually most of his family came around.

I worked really hard to remind myself whenever I felt whiny about phone time that my grandmothers went through this too...only they didn't have the luxury of any phones. They had to wait weeks and months to hear...not mere days. Kinda put my situation back into perspective.
I am still thankful for opportunities Clark had to call while he was deployed.

Oye Como Va

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Anyone care to dance?

It won't leave my head. So maybe if I put it out here, and make you listen to it...then maybe we'll make a trade and it will no longer accompany my every thought. I am a tired girl and I need some rest. It is after all officially "G-ma Day"!! YAY!! (and the peasants rejoiced) G-ma and Grandpa get in is now technically Thursday so I am actually correct. ;-) I swear I will write a real post later, but until then:

There are a couple posts that I think ya'll should read. Miss Joan and Sgt. Hook have some good things to say. Go, read and learn.

I hope ya'll are sleeping while I type this. I too hope to sleep tonight. Much love to you all. Thanks for all the encouraging emails and phone really are the best.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My Sliver of Sunshine

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Disclaimer:I have to start this post by saying that to all my friends, I love you dearly. I can't imagine my life without a single one of you. Please understand that the words that follow need to come out of me as this place is my therapy. Don't doubt for a second my love for you all.

There are times when, no matter how hard you try, you just can't keep the sun in view. Today started out as one of those days. I am doing well in the mental balance arena; but it's a strech right now.

I know that there are many people in my life who care deeply for me, and I am very grateful and blessed. Sometimes I am even overwhelmed by that love. Right now there are people in my life who care too much and the pressure becomes too great for me. I feel like I am supposed to be everything to everyone and then there is nothing left for me. It's probably my own projections based on my insecurities, but there it is...true or not, it is my reality.

Knowing that they love in spite of my shortcomings only adds to that pressure. Right now, breathing is about all I am capable of in my physical life...but that's not enought for some people. They need to know that I can still be one of the "shiny happy people" or they worry. Again, I can't take that much pressure...I will shut down and when that happens, few can get through to me.

I came back from lunch today feeling the weight of these things. Then the sliver of sunshine. A
wonderful friend who has been like a sister to me for years wrote me something so beautiful that i cried. I cried happy tears for the first time in a very long time. She has never expected me to be anything other than myself and she knows me well enough to allow me to be down. She has the knack of just knowing when I need pushed and when I need to find my own path. So Rie, thank you. Thank you for being so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for always watching over me while still allowing me to make my own choices. My words are insufficient to say how much of the weight you lifted off my soul just now.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Just Breathe

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Crazy thoughts have quick wings

My very dear friend,
Rie wrote an absolutely beautiful post the other day, and I just feel compelled to share it.

My thoughts today refuse to be mind has been a torrent of jumbled thoughts and half memories. I slept last night...about five hours of real sleep...only partial obstructed by dreams. I even had a couple of my own dreams last night. That was refreshing. But I woke up with an odd combination of songs running through my brain. The second verse of Breathe (2am) was on loop in my head. Later on I came to understand why. I am now back in control of myself and my emotions. The song I'ma leave ya'll with for today is one I hadn't heard in forever...but I do like it; so I'm going to share. Bonus points ot anyone who recognizes the song without
googling it.

I will write more, but for now, this is all I can do. I am trying and every day I do a bit better.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Manic Panic

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This weekend contained many ups and downs...mostly in my own mind. I had been riding high on a manic cycle for about three weeks now. I was already on my way up when Clark reappeared...and as is often the case, my defense mechanism is to stay manic so that detaching is easier for me. Those who have seen me in action know what this looks like; for the rest of ya'll, it goes something like this: In a manic state I am "up" I am also far less emotionally involved in anything...much of life appears surreal... I am both an observer and a participant in my own life.

With all the stress of the last few weeks, this imbalance has kept me sane...a twisted bit of irony, I know. Anyway, a manic cycle can only last for so long...then I crash...the longer I'm "up" the harder the crash. This one was not pretty. (not the ugliest by far, but not pretty)

I stayed busy right up until Saturday night at which point I melted down...I was overwhelmed and pressured and I couldn't take any more...I called g-ma and just sobbed. As is always the case when it comes to g-ma, she knew exactly what to say and how to say it. I calmed down considerably by the time I got off the phone with her. (It doesn't hurt that she reminded that she will be here in just three more days) :-) I really have missed her.

After talking to g-ma I pulled myself together enough to talk to Jeanne who decided that while I did have my responsibilities, she would commence running interference between me and the outside world. (I am so thankful she is my roommate...Grace and I are very blessed.)

Later that evening I went down to see Jean, Spencer and T. It was a pretty low key and kickback night...which was exactly what my overworked little mind needed. I hate how fast my brain runs when I'm unbalanced. Anyway, I left there about midnight or so. My mind was still running so quickly and even driving wasn't clearing I did the next best thing I could think of: I went to go see G at her bar.

I hardly made it out of the car before I was tackled by G's big sister. She gave me a huge hug and we started talking on and on. As soon as there was a break in the flow of words, Kee was standing there to give me a hug. After the three of us had our stories straight (why I'm there when I had just been there the night before, how the night was going for them, what kind of a mood G was in...ya know) Kee picked me up and carried me inside the bar...he set me down and loudly announced to G and the bar that he had brought G a present. She got a Cheshire cat grin on her face and demanded that I join her behind the bar.

I tended for a few minutes, said hi to everyone, had to make the rounds and meet G's friends from high school...the usual. ;-) G and Kee decided that I was staying there until closing at least; so I hung out with Kee while G worked. (Fortunately there were no big fights, so Kee got to hang out.) Kee knew I was having a rough night so he was never more than like three feet from me for any length of time. He and I talked sports and life and joked about all the drunk people in the bar and how much coinage they deserved for the shows that were taking place. ;-) As the bar started to clear out after last call, we grooved to Bob Marley and Santana. Good times...

I stayed to help close the bar since by being there I save G an entire hour of closing time. Besides, it's a lot of fun once Kee locks everyone else out and it's just the four of us (G, her sissy, Kee and me...five if Grace is there). So I cleaned tables, washed glasses, restocked the paper goods while G restocked the bar and Kee cleaned up the dance floor and pool rooms...

Afterwards, we all sat on or around the bar and just talked...good times...I finally left at about 3:15 since I had to be up at 6:30 the next morning. So I said my goodbyes, more rounds of hugs and promises to G and Kee that I would be back next week...G made me promise to hang out this week (of course!! I'm totally making you help with cadets) and Kee made me promise that next week I will sing for him. They've been trying to get me to Karoake out there for a couple years now...but I am one of the freaks in this world that won't sing buzzed. I have to be sober...because I do know what I sound like...and I like to have complete control over it.

By the time I got home my brain had slowed considerably and I managed to get a few hours of sleep. I am down from my manic swing and almost feeling "normal" again. I am still drained and want to hide out from the world until I can get my head right, but I am getting there. T told me last night that I am family...that means a lot to me. Family and friends are precisely what I need and want right now. I have enough drama with Clark to tide me over for quite some time...but friends and family...they keep me sane and grounded.

As a side note, Clark has been leaving boxes in my head again.."Babe, I don't mind, but dude...could you at least move them into a corner...leaving them in the middle of the hall causes me to stub my toe and you know how I feel about that!" I'm tellin' you, I'ma have to create a Clark closet and all the boxes can sit in there and commiserate: "'Had a Gilmore girl, lost a Gilmore girl', got her back, can't figure out what comes next"...story of my life...but all in all I made it through relatively unscathed. :-) This week should be interesting.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Friendly Survival Guide

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I am again hosting Seven Inches of Service this week. Hopefully, Miss Joan will be back with us next week; but until then, I will again try to fill her fabulous heels. This week's topic is: What can our civilian friends do to support us? What should they say, what should they refrain from saying? What can they do to actually help us? What do we actaully need or want in terms of family involvement? How can we help our families understand what we are going through and what we need their response to be?

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My post is definitely running late this week, I will fill it in this weekend, but since My Service Sisters have worked so hard on their entries; it's a crime for me to keep them hidden. So here is half of this week's enstallment of Seven Inches of Service. Enjoy.


Do the Right Thing

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Some civilians might feel awkward around people whose sweethearts are deployed – not sure what to say or what gestures to make. I’ve been very fortunate, because even though most of my friends and family aren’t directly connected with the military, they’ve still managed to be wonderful support over the past 10 months. I can’t speak for the others left on the home front, but I have figured out a few things that work for me.


Say you don’t know how I can handle this. We all play the hands we’re dealt, and this is no different. I know you mean well, but pity doesn’t help.

Tease me for carrying my mobile phone everywhere I go and checking e-mail obsessively, just in case he gets a chance to call or write.

Complain about being apart from your significant other for what I would consider a short time, say, a week. Do you have an idea of when he’s coming back? Is he getting shot at? No? Then I can’t muster much sympathy.

Unless you’re ready to enlist, don’t tell me how great you think this war is and list the countries you think “we” should invade next.

Ask why I’d want to move to where he’s stationed (after a yearlong deployment, why wouldn’t we want to be in the same place?), or suggest he transfer to where I live. The Army doesn’t work that way.


Ask about him. It won’t upset me, or suddenly remind me of what he’s doing. He’s on my mind 24 hours a day anyway. Besides, I like talking about him.

Invite me to do things, even if everyone else is coupled up; most days I’d rather be a third (or fifth) wheel than not go out at all.

Understand if I need to flake out once in a while. There are times – when Sidney tells me not to watch the news for the next 24 hours, for example – when I’m going to be lousy company.

Drop him a line or send him a care package, if you feel comfortable doing so. He loves to see anything from home, and to know that someone – even (or especially) someone he doesn’t know – is thinking about him.

Share your experiences, if you’ve got them. In addition to
my sister (as well as my Service sisters), the other pillar of strength during this deployment has been a dear family friend who sent her sweetheart off to World War II. Not only is she incredibly encouraging, but she’s able to offer great perspective. He was gone for five years; they had only letters for communication. Let’s not even talk about how much battlefield medicine has progressed since then. Considering this does wonders to drag me out of my self-pity. (Best of all, he came home safely and they’ve been able to grow old together, and that gives me all kinds of hope.)

Finally, the one suggestion that I think holds for all of us: If you don’t know what we need, ask.


Be a Friend

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Long distance relationships are tough, so we try to find things that will help make life a bit easier as we journey through the separation. We understand that we chose to pursue a military partnership, but support from our family and friends is much appreciated. Not to mention it will probably result in helping us to stay in a much better mood.

What can our civilans friends do to support us? First off, I would suggest in not badmouthing the missions and jobs of our boyfriends. We know that everyone might not agree with everything that the military does, but this is their duty and they are working hard to accomplish a job. Staying positive is a key to our sanity so your help in this manner would be great! Also, please dont suggest that we are "wasting our time" waiting for them and that we should find a man here. Thats not what we want to hear and we dont want a guy here...we want our boyfriend!

What we do need is for family and friends to console and comfort us when we are down. Let us whine a bit to get it all off our chest, then take us out for a good time to get our minds off of it! This does not inlude doing things with all couples, obviously excluding us. I dont want to be around 5 other couples all night while I am still PMSing about not seeing my boyfriend in months. Girl time just pampering ourselves, playing games, shopping, eating out, watching movies, etc. is awesome! Oh yes, all the stupid lil fights that you want to complain to us about, DONT! We would love to have our men get on our nerves...that would mean that they were here with us.

As far as things that we can do to help our family and friends understand what we are going I guess just trying to teach them more about the Army and what our soldiers do will help them to have a better understanding of what we go through. I know some parents, silblings, and friends might have a tendency to cut down boyfriends if they feel that they are not doing their duty as a boyfriend. They will have to learn that soldiers will be often gone physically, and at times not even able to communicate. Please dont hold this against them, of course, unless there is a very good reason.

Last thing...if our soldiers call or get the chance to visit, PLEASE dont get mad if we drop everything to talk to them or be with them! It is a given that we WILL spend as much time as we can either talking or being with them physically. We miss em!

Lauren B.


All I Ask

When it comes down to it, there isn't much I can askof civilians in support of me personally. I don'twant you to kiss my ass or wave a flag in my face.Don't offer me false sympathy or tell me that you knowhow I feel. The odds are: you have no clue.Being a seperated army girlfriend is like a long distance relationship on CRACK. In this kind of relationship (during deployments at least) waiting for his call isn't just about feeling validated - its amatter of life and death.The only thing I can really ask of civilians at all is not to pretend that you understand. Military family members, however, are a differentstory.

It is very difficult, dare I say impossible,to survive your man's deployment if you can't get along with his family. The odds are, if your soldier is overseas - he might only have the time/energy to contact one person: either a representative of his family, or his girl. If a soldier contacts his family first (which he probably should - but only so long as he remembers to get to his girl soon!), his family becomes her lifeline. The same is true in reverse.

A constant exchange of communication is VITAL to everyone's sanity. Hell, its gotten to the point where I talk to Gene's parents about 5X more than he does - and his siblings visit me and call on a regular basis. When it comes down to it, I don't want the credit here. Oh sure, its as tough as fuck to be in this kind of relationship - but not nearly as difficult as dodging mortars in a sandstorm.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Staring and Speeding

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Ok ya'll, I am indeed hosting Seven Inches of Service again this week. However, due to unexpected circumstances (aka life) the posts won't be up until tonight or tomorrow. Don't give up on me just yet though, I promise the posts will be worth waiting for.

Since that item of business is cleared up; I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. Probably more than I should...but c'est la vie. Yesterday was a really long one for me. I got done with work early, but I also had to teach fire cadets last night. We did search and rescue training. The kids all had fun, I think.

I spent some time talking to Joan and Rie and I met T for coffee. It was a lot of fun. I enjoy hanging out with T. He makes me laugh and I love that we can talk about just about anything. I had to send T off to pick up a friend at the airport and as I was driving home I raced a couple of teenage guys in their little hot rods.

As I was driving, I started thinking...all of a sudden memories of the "old days" with Clark flooded my mind...the days before the drama. I was taken back to one sunny afternoon and the drive we took all through the hills and up the 101. I wrote about that day once before.

Things you said that day
Up on the 101
'Bout a girl who'd come undone
I tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that-
you could take it
as long as I could,
I could not erase it
Way up north I took my babe
all in all was a pretty nice day
and I put the hood right back where
you could taste heaven perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and I, I didn't
didn't think we'd end up like...
like this

Anyway, as I thought about that day a few memories stood out so vividly. There I was, sitting next to Clark in the bitch (that's what I called his race car...I have this theory that all men have a bitch and it really ought to be their cars); I can hear the roar of the V8...the Borla exhaust...faint sounds of Kid Rock coming out of the monster speakers...I even hear the song. It was "our" song...not the one we picked but the one Clark hoped we'd never have to be...irony is a bitch... I can feel the wind in my hair because the T-tops were off...cruising the back roads at a buck twenty.

Clark liked to play the drive and stare game...if ya'll don't know what I mean, go watch 2 Fast 2 Furious. Clark used to do that to me all the time because I was the only person who would hold his gaze. That day, we were flying down the road and he took his hand off the gearshift to interlock his fingers with mine...I knew what that meant...I turned slightly in my seat until I was facing him...our eyes locked and I felt the car speed up. We held each other's gaze for quite a while before we broke to look at the speedometer. I won't tell ya'll what it said, you'll just yell at me.

I remember the surprise in Clark's voice when he commented that I hadn't even blinked and was it possible that I really trusted him so completely. It was such a foreign concept for being the smartass I am, I joked that i knew I was safe as long he was in the car...after all, he'd never endanger the bitch. ;-)

I have always loved the wind in my hair and the sensation of speed...doesn't look like that is going to change any time soon. Don't even get me started on the smell of diesel or the purr of a powerful engine...ah memories.

Tons of Songs at!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Wild Wedding Weekend

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Ok so the posts about this weekend and Jean and Spencer's wedding will be written like a mini-series. Not to add drama, but rather because I don't have the time it would take to write it all in one sitting; and I'm not arrogant enough to presume that ya'll have the time to read it all at once.

Anyway, Friday was a day of mad panic and miscommunication. The best part: Jean and I went for maincures and pedicures. So much fun and oh so relaxing. Yay us! My toes looked fantastic in my hot hooker heels for the wedding...sorry getting ahead of myself.

Our girl time was interrupted by the crisis of a lost grandparent. The situation was resolved and we just added Grandpa to our list of people we would pick up at the airport over the course of the weekend.

We arrived in Stockton around 11pm and checked into our room. In the midst of the unpacking and confusion, all of us girls paused to watch Jean sing karaoke in the lounge. I'm tellin' you, those people would make Simon Cowell turn in his grave if he'd ever die. ;-) That's ok, our girl put them to shame. We were all tired but of course we weren't sleepy so we bustled around trying to get things ready for the next morning. The rehersal was Saturday morning at 9. Ya'll know how much of a morning person I am...and I had to be awake and presentable...all by 8:30 on a Saturday morning.

Fortunately, Jean knows how well her girls handle mornings and she made a Starbucks run for us. :-) It was a life saver! The chapel wasn't too far from the hotel, so the drive was simple. Not that I would normally announce this, but Kai knows her way around Stockton pretty well least the University of the Pacific (UOP) side.

Before the rehersal, the bridal party kind of got to know each other...several of us had never met or only met a couple times. Jean and Spencer have some fantastic friends and family (if I do say so myself) so we had a blast!

After rehersal and the lunch, Jean, Grace and I drove back to Sacramento to pick up another of Jean's friends. By the time we got back to the hotel, I had about ten minutes to lay down and relax before the next scheduled activity.

After a quick break, it was time toget down to the serious business of partying! hehehe. The whole bridal party went across the street from the hotel to a pub called Basil's. It had a fun atmosphere, a good bartender, and strong drinks. T (the best man) and I hung out at the bar, drinking orchids and kamikazes, and talking shop. Cars, music, football, and haircolor. T rocks!!

A couple of drinks into the evening we all went for Mexican food...not the best plan under the sun; but better than we started out with. ;-)

T and I commenced to get very buzzed...very temporarily anyway. I ended up calling Joan and ranting and raving about the drama of the hotel...the fun I was having with T...the hotness of AJ...and the fact that in the middle of all the wedding talk, I really missed Clark. After I yelled (very politely, of course...and with a Southern drawl) at the front desk people, we discovered that Jean's steamer wasn't working on her dress. So, Grace, T and I volunteered to hit the local Tar-jay to replace the iron. T let me drive his brand new Hummer. :-D Yes kids, I was grinning like a hooker the whole time...I so want me one of them. The turning radius is better than my Lancer's. It is unbelievable!!

Ok enough for now. Ya'll have to wait for the rest of the beckons and such.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Friday's Flurries

When something troubles you, talk to your friends. Their compassion helps.
That's my horoscope for today. As I chuckle about how simplistic and true it is; I just have to say, I am so blessed! I have amazing friends. I wonder at times how I managed to find so many incredible people who actually like hanging out with are all fabulous!

So posting will be sporadic this weekend as I will be MIA until Sunday night or Monday morning. Sunday is fabulous Miss Jean's (though soon I will have to type Mrs.) ;-) wedding. She is with Grace and I until Sunday and the flurry of activity has already begun. Jean is so prepared that it makes my job so much easier!! I will be wrangling bridesmaids and family members this weekend and attempting to keep Jean sane.

Sleep will be elusive for the next couple days, but it should be fun! Congrats Jean and Spencer!! I love you both! I hope ya'll have a good weekend. I will share stories when I can.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Peace and Sunshine

There are days when the only way I can articulate my feelings is through music. That seems to be happening with more and more frequency. There are worse things I suppose, like not being able to express myself at all...

The thing is, I am understanding more and more everyday about the issues, battles, disturbances, whatever you want to call them; that are confronting me. As I understand more, I feel the need to internalize more and more. An odd thing for me, since usually I just put my emotions right out there. But the more I verbalize this, the more I am expected to make rationalizations or give explanations.

That's not going to work this time. The people who understand (and they are few and very far between) will understand regardless of what I say or don't say. There is a small handful of people who understand exactly what I say whether words are involved or not. To those people, thank you. I will never be able to express how much that means to me.

I am beginning to have peace regarding Clark. I know that he will be alright eventually and I have to allow the situation to play out...getting in the way of "what is supposed to be" is a dangerous venture. It's tough to be unable to protect those I love the most. But I am learning to let go. (Not of Clark, but of trying to protect him all the time.) Sometimes one has to reach rock bottom before he can look up. It's only when you're on the floor that you can see how high you can rise.
"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly... Throw things out there and not be perfect and not
have answers to anything and see if people understand" ~Angelina Jolie
That's how I feel about the connection Clark and I have...I mean the above quoted words only scratch the surface, but like I said, words are something that are more difficult to articulate these days. Anyway, just about 24 hours or so until Clark's moment of truth. As long as I know the outcome, I can manage.

This song today is of course
Nikka but it's not just for me. It's also for a dear friend whose path is inextricably linked to my own.

So Have I For You

I am a woman with a mission and a past to outdo
I don't need a gun I've got a microphone
and a melody or two
Just like the earth has spent a thousand years
making up for what we do
So have I for you

Your seeds of misery have sprouted
and they try to block my way
The worst gets the better of you
and you try to disarm me with an embrace
Just like the heart that's spent a lifetime
forgiving what is cruel
So have I for you

Well mama you can choose the rain
but I choose the sun
That's all I need to free myself

I am a woman with a mission and a past to outdo
I don't need a gun I've got a microphone
and a melody or two
Just like the earth has spent a thousand years
making up for what we do
So have I for you

I have justified every wave in our ocean
I have covered every range of emotion
And just like the sea has spent eternity
at the mercy of the moon
So have I for you

Well mama you can choose the rain
but I choose the sun
That's all I need to free myself

This bird's gonna fly so high
Watch my sky come undone
Mama you can choose the rain
But I choose the sun

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Certain of Uncertainty

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This week, I have the distinct privilege of hosting Seven Inches of Service. The fabulous Miss Joan is taking a much deserved break, so I am trying valiantly to fill her boots. ;-)

We picked a topic that is close to all of our hearts, so this week, we wrote about: "How to keep the doubts from destroying you when your soldier is gone."
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When you are in a long distance relationship, it can be difficult to escape doubt. When that long distance relationship is caused by a deployment, all the normal fears escalate. Not only is there geographical distance but there is emotional distance as well. Once your soldier puts on his war face it's even worse.

This doubt is screaming in my face,
in this familiar place, sheltered and concealed.
If this night won't let me rest,
Don't let me second guess what I know to be real.

There are many times over course of my relationship with Clark that I have doubted myself or us. It's not easy so remain strong when the man you love is thousands of miles away and doesn't have the ability to give anything more than infrequent reassurance. As I've said so many times before, Clark put on his war face without warning and I was left confused and devastated until I was able to process the reality of the situation so that I could begin my own process of readying for war.

When I felt Clark withdraw from me and our relationship, I panicked. What happened? Things were going so well! We didn't fight, we could talk about anything and everything, we were falling completely in love...what changed? What did I do? What didn't I do that I should have? (For me, there was an added hookers, I'll explain, I swear) All these questions and more haunted me for a while...they still do on a bad day.

So, the next question is, "how do I keep the doubt from consuming me?" Well, there are several different things that help; though nothing is 100% effective except having Clark beside me. While he was deployed, I used to read and reread the letters, emails and instant message conversations between us. I saved all the important text messages I fact, here we are almost three years later and I still have some of them. Clark did something very sweet the night before he left to help me. He sent me one text after another until I had a collection of about ten. He told me not to open them until he was gone, and then only one at a time. He knew I would need to remember how much he loved me.

While he was overseas, there were several (believe me, I wish i was exaggerating) females (or "flea-males" as Clark called them) who went to extraordinary lengths to try to screw Clark. One even had the audacity to tell him that if I loved Clark at all, I would be ok with him cheating because I should want him to be fulfilled. If I wasn't insecure before...damn! I almost put my hand through a brick wall when I heard that story. But, Clark always told me the whole story...even when it would have been easier for him to have just kept quiet; he figured that I would find out one way or another and he would prefer that I hear exactly what happened without feeling like I had to pull the truth out of him.

So on one hand, knowing that those girls were out there...beside the man I love...caused me to have some doubts; knowing that Clark was so committed to us, even with all the opportunities that presented themselves, aleviated most of the uncertainty I had. When he called, Clark always told me he loved me and made sure to remind me to think about our future together.

Making plans together helped a lot too...I knew that whether we actually did all the things we talked about or not was immaterial. What mattered was that we were thinking about our future.
I also had an amzing network of support comprised of other Army girlfriends and wives who were going through the same deployment at the same time. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone. These girls were there at all hours of the night, willing to talk about anything that I needed to. All of us
Service sisters went through deployments together, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Even though Clark has been home for nearly two years, these doubts still work their way into my subconcious; the way Clark moves through my life and my soul keeps me both captivated and at times pushed aside. We have never needed words between us and that bond is what holds us through the ups and downs of this life. Loving him has brought both the highest mountain peaks and the lowest valley basins into my life.

Giving into the doubt is not an option for me. Even when I doubt myself, I am constantly reminded that every fiber of my being knows innately that Clark loves me and that eventually we will find the balance that we seek together. We are inexplicably and eternally linked to one another. We both understand that while this life may make no sense, together the world is clearer.

I have come to understand that the pain of passing doubt and confusion is nothing compared to the pain of giving in to the doubt and losing hope.


When In Doubt, Reach Out


When In Doubt, Reach Out

During the deployment, it’s pretty much a given that doubt will creep up on either of you at any point in time. You may question whether or not you have the strength to make it through. You may question whether or not your relationship is strong enough to survive. You may question whether or not it’s worth it or if he’s the right one.

Have faith and surround yourself with things that focus on the positives of yourself, your SO, the relationship, and the deployment. Look at pictures of the two of you, even though it might make you miss him. Save and read his letters and your IM conversations (the good ones), even though they may make you sad. Focus on the positives because anything else will just reinforce that dreaded doubt. Look at the things that will remind you of why you’re with him and in the relationship to begin with. You wouldn’t have put yourself in this position if there weren’t a good reason to.

Most importantly, if you’re having severe doubts, talk to him. Communication is so important, and there’s a good chance that he is feeling or, at one time or another, has felt the same way. If you can’t physically talk to him, send him an e-mail or write a letter. It still gets it off your chest and puts it out there, and even doing so can make you feel better. There’s nothing wrong with needing a little reassurance. The worst thing you can do is sit on the doubt and let it run…it can create irrational thoughts and feelings, create situations that don’t exist, and it can easily set the tone for fights and just plain disaster.

Also try to remind yourself of where he is and what he’s doing. The communication is hardly ever in his control, and he’s there to do his job. If he could be at home with you, sitting next to you watching a movie, there’s no doubt that he would snap his fingers or click his heels to make it happen.


Listen to Your Heart


Listen to Your Heart
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This weeks topic is one that is probably on most Army girlfriends hearts. Our soldiers are very far away and it is natural for our minds to wander, especially when we don't have communication for days, weeks, or even months at a time. So, how do you keep the doubt from destroying you?
First of all, I put trust into my boyfriend. He tells me that he is doing such and such so I believe him. Yes, this is very hard to do, especially in some circumstances, but I try my hardest. I know he loves me so I do my best to put faith into our relationship. (Praying about our relationship and his devotion also helps.)
I am also very good at asking questions. I ask and ask so that I can learn about what he is doing so that I may have a better understanding. Sometimes knowing more about what he is involved in helps me to not worry as much when I don't hear from him for a while.
I won't lie though, I am a very big worry wart. During times that I am killing myself with doubt I overanalyze everything! I find ease in talking with friends who are also military spouses, because they too know what it is like being far from their loved one. I usually get reassurance from them when they remind me that he has a job to do, even when that means he can't communicate with me. Talking, just getting it all out and off my chest, helps me. (I just feel sorry for my friends who hear me say the same thing day after day!)
The only other thing that I have found to work is reminiscing. I think back to all of our good times and things he has said to me, then I know that everything will be okay.
My only suggestion of what not to do while in doubt is leaving a message accusing him of wrongdoing. Chances are that by the time he gets it, you will have already found out what he was doing or what was going on. I know this from personal experience. lol. (Good thing I didn't say something really bad!)
So listen to your heart, not your brain!
Lauren Bacall


In Case of Emergency, Call Sis


In Case of Emergency, Call Sis
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"For the hundrefth time: He loves you. He's fine. Now shut up and leave me alone."

To my sister's immense credit, she has never spoken these words to me. Not because I haven't deserved them, but because she's a truly kind and patient person.

I'm a worrier. And when the object of my worrying is something as crutially important to me as my relationship with Sidney - well, I can be a real mess.

In the clear light of day, my fears seem irrational. But in the middle of the night, when the demons like to drop by, the thoughts run something like this: Sidney's half a world away. He might not see a lot of women, but the ones he does are probably strong, confident, intelligent, and maybe even pretty. Besides, what woman wouldn't look good in the middle of the damn desert? He and they are sharing something that civilians like me can't understand. They're at war. They're lonely. They need comfort. What if he forgets about me? What if he thinks I've given up waiting on him? What if he finds something better? What if he does come back to me, but he's so changed that we don't even know each other?


I do have a couple of weapons in my sanity arsenal. One is rereading things Sidney's written to me: love letters, mash notes, poetry, plans for our life together. Usually that's enough.

But when it's really serious, I pick up the phone. Sis has always been a rock for me, but she's really earned her Special Sister Forces tab since Sidney's been deployed. She can read my mood before I get anything more than "Hello" out, and she knows what to do with it - when to reason, when to josh me, when to sympathize, and when to just make comforting noises because I'm beyond any of that. She's never failed to talk me down out of my tree.

She's appointed herself the first line of defense. Any fears I have must be vetted by her, because Sidney should not hear them; he has enough on his mind. And so Sis listens, and reassures, and listens some more, and reassures some more. This war is full of unsung heroes, and I believe my sister is one of them - someone who's quietly playing a very important part in supporting one very special soldier.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Push and Pull

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Nikka's music gets so deep into my soul...for the last week, the only music that has reached me is Nikka, Billy Miles and Blu Cantrell.

The last few days have been very surreal and all too real at the same time. I am worried about Clark. That statement barely scratches the surface of what I actually feel, but it's all I can share right now. Both of our worlds will be turned upside down in just over 72 hours.

I don't yet know what will happen. I feel him pulling back again; something that needs to happen I suppose. There is someone else who needs his strength more than I right now; I am at peace with that...I asked him to be there. He also needs to prepare himself, and that is the part that scares me. In order to be okay at the end, he will have to become something terrible to reach that point. I love this man more than anything and it hurts very deeply to watch the transformation. I have spent so much energy helping him break free from it...only to have to give it permission to take root again. I believe he will make it through; and eventually he and I will be alright. The journey just sucks.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Tag, I'm It

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I was tagged to do this by my dear friend, Rae. So here it goes:

The rules are:
  1. Search your blog archive.

  2. Find your 23rd post.

  3. Find the fifth sentence (this is meant to say something about you).

  4. Post that sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

  5. Tag five people to do the same.

The fifth line of my 23rd post is: I never intended to leave San Diego...and I sure as hell didn't intend to stay here for this long.

I don't usually tag people, but this time I will because I am, by nature, a curious creature. Besides, if Rae can tag people, I can too!! Love ya Rae!


Just as Rae said, if you want to just leave it in the comment rather than posting it on your own site, that's fine. I just wanna see your answers! ;-)

Friday, October 07, 2005

Closer to Fine

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Sometimes I get so frustrated with life in general. The last 48 hours have been one confusing mess after another. My mind has been pulled in so many different directions that I can't possibly keep up for much longer. Yesterday, Miss Joan wrote about people that drain your energy. I can relate to that right now.

As most of ya'll know, I haven't slept much in the last couple weeks. I can't slow my brain down...and when I finally go to sleep, I dream...not the dreams of a rested mind either. I seem to be wandering through the minds of so many others these days.

Jean stayed at the house last night, and thank God she did. I needed her...she understands the chaos that is the current state of my mind. We discussed a good many things, and while my heart is still heavy and my mind still restless, she took some of it from me.

I slept for about four uninterrupted hours last night. I know that sounds pitiful for the normal person, but ya'll, that's a good stretch for me. I still hurt...body and soul...and I still don't have any of the questions answered; but I feel stronger today.

So, thank you, Jean. I hope the burden you took wasn't too much.
Rie, I hope you got some rest as well.

On a related note, I talked to TG for a while seems that Clark has been able to confide in her this week. That is a relief to me as he has disappeared from my sphere the last few days. As long as he's talking to one of us, I don't worry. Though it would be nice if he could keep it together long enough for us to have a shot. C'est la vie...for the time being anyway.

I was listening to
Guns n Roses this morning. The song that follows keeps sticking into my brain this week. As with so many others, Clark, this one is directed at you.

November Rain

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Oh, and tomorrow I have to be at the fire station all day. Should be interesting...I will write about last weekend's Hurricane Fundraiser later on...maybe even some pictures will follow.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Finally Time

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Ok ya'll, so it has taken longer than I had anticipated; but two of the three blogs I have created for my firm are up and running. There are still many changes that this perfectionist first-born wishes to make, however, the blogs are presentable and operational.

I launched them Monday night, and so far we've gotten a respectable amount of attention from the legal world. For those of you who don't know, I work for a research law firm. My official job title is "Senior Research Typist" but that is only a fraction of what I do in the course of an average day. Anyway, I had the good idea a couple of weeks ago that our firm should be utilizing the internet for marketing in some less traditional ways.

The end result: I was nominated/volunteered/coerced...whichever word you'd like to implement all these ideas. So, without too much further ado, I present the labor of the last two weeks:
Legislative Intent Digest and Legislative Intent Engrossment.

For once, mania has been incredibly useful...since I can't sleep, I write/edit/configure HTML code until all hours of the night. The plan is for more information to be added on a regular basis. Both sites are being tied to the firm's new official website, which will hopefully be launched within the next two weeks. Much work still to do, but I wanted to share my "brainchild" with all of you.

Special thanks to
Joan for teaching me so much! Thank you Rie, Bette and Judy for staying up through the nights with support, encouragement and advice. You ladies all rock!!

I will keep ya'll posted on the continued development of this project. If you want, head on over and let me know what you think. For all my wonderful friends in the legal profession, your input is appreciated as well. :-D I want these sites to ba as user friendly as possible!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Can't Say Enough

Today is Seven Inches of Service Day. This week we had a last minute topic change in response to this and this. My service sisters and I thought that it went without saying, but apparently it doesn't. So this week we each wrote an open letter to our American service men and women, our little way of saying thank you. Go check out the rest.
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To all of the men and women of the United States Armed Forces:


I'm sure there are times when you don't hear those words enough; but from the core of my being: Thank you.

Thank you for doing what I cannot. I would make a lousy soldier and I know that; so I leave that job for those of you who are stronger and braver than I. There are not words to adequately describe the appreciation and admiration I hold for each of you. I know very well the sacrifices you make day in and day out; at least as much as I can understand having never been to war myself.

My opinion of this war or that conflict is immaterial. What matters is that each one of you know that you have my respect and support by any means I have. I can only hope that through reading this, and the letters of my fabulous Service Sisters, you will be able to see that the media and assorted critics are a very small percentage of Americans. Most Americans I know, myself included, are proud to call this country home.

I for one am grateful for the security and peace I enjoy because of men and women like you who take the burden of freedom onto themselves. The older I get, the more aware I become that not only is freedom not free, it's a very expensive privilege and I, along with millions of other Americans, are blessed to know no other way of life.
Thank you for your willingness to make personal sacrifices to keep this country great. Thank you for taking on the responsibility of guarding the freedoms we enjoy and frequently take for granted.

"Freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men and so it must be daily earned and refreshed - else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

What I can do is say thank you, in words and actions. I cannot empathize over the horrors of war; but I can listen and I can sympathize, and sometimes that is enough. I can say that I am proud to be an American because of your bravery and humility. You are true warriors with courage and pride I can only hope to someday achieve.

While the words are pitiful in light of the reality you face; they are sincere words. Don't lose heart; though the critics are loud...they are few. Stay safe where ever you are, or what ever your mission may be. Take care of each other and come home safely. You are loved, thought of fondly and missed greatly.

With love and prayers for safety,

Early Memories

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So, the other night I was filling out one of those random questionnaires that my friend Nicola sent me. One of the questions was: "What is the first music you remember hearing?"

Well kids, here it is:

Tons of Songs at!
with Customized Skin Player!

I was about three years old and I even remember where I was. It was late in the evening and my parents, the dog and I were coming back home from g-ma's house. We were in my mom's 1973 El Camino 454 SS. (I loved the car) I was all curled up in my cubbyhole behind the seats, all snuggled into blankets...yes this was before child seatbelt laws came into effect.

I remember laying down in "my spot" with the dog and my doll, just listening to my dad sing along with the Blue Oyster Cult. They are still a favorite of mine. THe songs weren't too profound (except Don't Fear the Reaper) but most of them were fun.

Now you know just one more part of my strange childhood...just wait until I share my favorite Christmas song with ya'll...

Monday, October 03, 2005


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My fabulous friend Rie posted this tonight. It's fantastic. We do love our men in Uniform, don't we?? hehehe. Go, enjoy the moment of nostalgia. Thanks Rie!!!

For Those Who Provide it, Freedom is Never Free

Updated below...
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I was reading over at Seven Inches of Sense today and Joan wrote a post that resonated deep inside my heart. Her writing stemmed from another post which angered me to the core of my being. The other service girls and I had a discussion on this last week...and now I feel that I must write all that I feel.

I truly don't understand how someone could say the things
Freeradio said in that post...I really don't. Only someone who has never been forced to "survive" could say such things. Yeah, there are bad people in every occupational field...but they are most certainly the minority. It's asinine to say that because there are a few teenage boys out there trading their photos for porn that all soldiers are monsters.

Freeradio, if only you could actually understand the anguish and torment that plagues every soldier I know who has had to kill or even wound someone. We aren't talking about psychotic serial killers here. These are regular men (and women) who are willing to risk their lives, go to extraordinary lengths so that we get to sit back and hide behind our computers screens in the comfort of our homes in a land where we have the freedom to bad mouth the people who keep us free.

I have a feeling he would be shocked to hear any EMS worker talking. In the fire service (granted we don't kill people...though I have had to watch them die) we joke about everything...we make light of what we see. It's not because we don't care; in fact, the opposite is true. We care so much that if we don't distance ourselves, the pain would eat us alive. We wouldn't be able to continue doing our jobs. In any job that involves trauma (whether you are the one creating it or cleaning up the mess) there has to be emotional distance...even then there are demons.

As it is, there are images that haunt my mind...if you didn't know me, you might think me callous for the way I respond to medical tragedy or emergency situations. But I'm not, my heart breaks for the people I see...the people I help...those for whom I can do nothing. But without that understanding, the picture of me is far from my reality.

How much more so for a soldier!! The majority of soldiers suffer from PTSD, in large part, because of the atrocities they have witnessed or caused. They aren't inhuman monsters...they are normal people who aren't always given the chance to process and cope with what they have done or seen. How dare people sit in in the safety and splendor of this country and castigate those they can't even hope to understand. It makes my heart both heavy and furious.

If you think the soldiers are monsters, fine, you sit up with my soldier through the nights when he has sit there while he rakes himself over the coals and questions his own humanity for daring to survive and come home alive. You watch that first-hand...then sit back (without the cloak of annonimity) and try to condemn him and the countless others fighting their inner battles.

Joan has it right, as the one in love with my soldier, it's my job to wrestle his demons once he gets home. His job was (and still is) to stay alive. The rest of it we work on together. There are many things he's done that he isn't proud of, but necessity is a mother...and I will stand here and say wholeheartedly, "I don't care what you have to do Clark, you come home to me alive and in one piece; the rest doesn't matter. We will deal with that." These soldiers are good men; good men who have witnessed horrific things...they don't walk away unscathed and that is what makes them human. Not what causes them to lose their humanity.

"Only the dead have seen the end of war." ~Santayana
With that also comes the reality that never will they completely free themselves of the demons...but it's a burden the true warriors take on willingly...not with joy; often it's with sorrow, but someone has to shoulder it for us to remain free and I am proud that Clark and the others made that choice. What Santayana said is true whether the battles are inner or outward...and few revel in fighting them.

(As a sidenote to Freeradio, you say you stand against all police as you realize that if you actually lived in the state you claim to want; you wouldn't be alive to say the things you say. It's these "corrupt police", these "animals" who protect your right to spew such venom. I hope you realize that...oh, and Clark says you are more than welcome.)

Apparently I said something of interest as my words and I were the subject of an incredibly long, inarticulate post. I have so much to say on this subject but I also think, "We're in a loop here, so I'm going to step over here and talk to this guy now." I will keep this post up because I truly believe everything I set forth here. However, I have given this particular individual and his ideas all the time I intend to spend. Stay tuned for Service Day tomorrow. I'll keep ya'll posted.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

One Wild Night

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Havin' as much fun as you can in your clothes
Margarita had me feelin' alright
Just might be I found religion
I've been on my knees for half of the night
I'm rolling the bones with Jimmy 'no dice'
Gonna take him for a couple weeks' pay
Man, if you lose this roll I take your girlfriend home
So I stopped
But you're not gonna believe who comes walking out

One wild night (blinded by the moonlight)
One wild night (24 hours of midnight)
One wild night (I stepped into the twilight zone
And she left my heart with vertigo)
One wild night (hey, c'est la vie)
One wild night (welcome to the party)
One wild night (life is for the living so You gotta
live it up, come on let's go)
One wild, one wild, one wild, one wild night
That would just about sum up my Friday night. It was crazy and surreal and did I mention that I didn't get home until 6am? Yeah that's right sportsfans...I'm not as old as I feel sometimes. It happened like this:

Grace and I had S over for dinner. He had been bugging us about when we were going to make him dinner (remember he signed our lease a few months ago to get us into this fabulous place? we owed him) so we told him to pick a night...he picked Friday so there we were. We had dinner (it was fantastic, Grace) and watched movies. We watched Spy Game and Three Kings (I was in the mood for BDU's ok?? So not my fault...hehehe) Anyway, at about 11:45 or so, my phone was Clark.

He was having a meltdown like no other. Ok, so that's not the perfect word choice since he's had other meltdowns like this...but not for a while. Anyway, it was brutal...I actually cried on the phone and ya'll know how infrequently I cry. But he was talking like he has given up on everything and everyone, himself included of course. It broke my heart to hear him like that and to know that he still only lets me in part of the way. Anyway, we had a long talk and I told him that I was coming over...he was completely drunk at that point.

He asked to talk to Grace and she told him (among other things) that we were coming over so he better stay put. I raced the 30 miles between my house and his and when we got there, he was a wreck. I got him into the car and since he wanted to go "out" I decided that we would head out to G's bar.

He was too drunk to drive, so for the first time in three years, I drove us. See, he's one of the best drivers I've ever seen...sober or drunk. One of the first things I ever heard anyone say about him was that, "Clark can drive anything with wheels and many things without." It's true...another thing that is true: he's a bitch when he's not driving...the worst "back seat driver" ever!! Leave it to a streetracer! ;-) Anyway, we got to G's bar just fine...and just in time to miss last call.

Fortunately, we know the bouncer so he let us in to see G anyway. She asked us to stick around 'til she closed so we could hang out. So Grace and I entertained a drunk Clark until the bar cleared out. We ended up helping G clean the entire was actually a lot of fun. Then the four of us stayed there until 5am playing bar games, shooting pool and drinking.

It was a blast!! Clark settled down, the three of us girls got to give him a bad time...and he and I got to spend time together...something that has been too far and few between for my taste. I beat him at pool (he forgot that i used to skip class in high school to go to the pool hall and take old men for their quarters.) ;-) and he kicked my arse at the word game machine they have there...Clark plays dumb...but the man can spell...even drunk.

We finally all left around 5 and I was the only sober one...I had three fun, loud and amusing drunk asses in my car...I was a bit tipsy after the shots that we did...but ya'll know I won't drive if I'm not sober. So it was no thang...actually, by the time we left, I would have trusted Clark to drive...even though he'd been drinking...the man has incredible concentration. So not the point...the point is, G gives terrible directions. It was a good thing that Clark knew where we were going, because G had no idea. She finally resorted to yelling out: Audrey's side or Clark's side depending on whether I needed to turn left or right. It was hilarious!!

Anyway, last night was nothing like I thought it would be...but it turned out to be one of the best nights any of us had had in a long time!! I do feel a little bad that Clark has drills this weekend...he had a PT test at 8 am this morning...I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep at all last night...hehehe. At least he had fun...and so did the rest of us. ;-)