Physical Sunshine, Emotional Storm
I quit!! I don’t want to play anymore. I am resigning my adulthood as of today and I am going back to five. That was a good year for me. I had no worries, I could read to entertain myself and I could take naps if I wanted to.
Today has been more stressful than I can even begin to put into words. I would break down and cry, but I don’t have the energy. I know that if I fall apart I will have to put myself back together as everyone in my life is having drama of their own…and to be perfectly honest…I don’t have the energy or emotional stability to put myself back together right now.
The “moving plan” has been just that. It has changed (I am not exaggerating at all) ten times today…did I mention today is only half over?? I am exhausted already. Grace and I get on a plane at 9pm tonight and fly back to San Diego. Tomorrow we go to Temecula and help move our furniture downstairs so that we can load it up on Monday. (yep, that’s right, Monday now instead of Sunday) Sunday we will spend the day cleaning the apartment and finishing the packing.
Monday morning we get the Uhaul and load it up. We then drive it and the car to Temecula again so that Uncle Jeff can help us load the furniture and trailer our car properly. Then we drive up to Lancaster, unload half the truck and reload it with things from Grace’s parents house. We’ll spend the night there and first thing Tuesday morning we will make the drive back up to the valley.
Tuesday afternoon, hopefully we will have S back in town to sign paperwork so we can move in. The complex is being really inflexible about when we three sign the lease papers. So if all goes as planned (hahahahahahahahaha) we will move in Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I am already going to have to take Wednesday off from work in addition to the first two days. Sigh.
That is the vary brief version and I left out most of the variables. Everything is up in the air and I hate that. I am pretty flexible but I am about hitting my breaking point…it also doesn’t help that I have to ask my dad for money and I haven’t seen him for more than ten minutes in a row for at least two weeks. I hate that regardless…oy…I need his calm right now…since I’m pretty sure calling JD is out of the question for now…I need someone to tell me things are going to work out…so I figure my dad could be good for that.
The worst part is that my drama isn’t the biggest one occurring in our family right now…it’s true: when it rains; it pours…and today I think it’s hailing. 
Only in Cali
This cracked me up...I know a lot of you are going to just read and nod...you know what i'm talking about...I thought this day could do with some humor. So here you go; enjoy.
You Know You're From So Cali When:
- You're driving on the 101 and see a clear cut definition of where the smog begins and ends
- You go to a karaoke bar and battle with seven year old divas-in-training who are trying to steal your thunder
- You're sitting in traffic for at least an hour at any given part of the day
- You go to the beach and see that real lifeguards actually do look like the lifeguards from Baywatch
- You see purple and gold and the word "Threepeat" on every corner
- You begin to "lie" to your friends about where you are (i.e. "Yeah I'm like 20 minutes away") - when you know that it'll take you at least an hour to get there).
- You eat a different ethnic food for every meal
- You look around at the nice cars around you during traffic, thinking it'll be your favorite Laker or WB star.
- You make a conscious choice to watch Jay Leno over David Letterman
- You know it's best not to be on the 405 at 4:05 pm.
- Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".
- You've inadvertently learned Spanish.
- You've got to bring the cat/plants in when it drops to 55 degrees.
- In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.
- You've bumped into a celebrity at El Pollo Loco.
- You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
- Your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros.
- If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving.
- You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
- Your TV show is interrupted by a police chase.
- You know someone named Freedom, Rainbow, Persephone or Destiny.
- You've trespassed through private property to get to the "Hollywood" sign.
- You've partied in Tijuana at least once.
- You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
- You've lost your car in the Century City Shopping Center parking lot.
- You've ever bought oranges, flowers, cherries or peanuts on a freeway off-ramp.
- Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
- You eat pineapple on pizza.
- You've been to Disneyland more times than Downtown.
- When giving directions , you follow up with the phrase: "With/Without traffic." You classify new people you meet by their Area Code.
- An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "310."
- Driving along, you see a high-speed police chase approaching in your rear view mirror. You don't panic or even flinch. Instead, you call your friends on your car phone and tell them you're on TV.
- You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.
- Your cell phone has left a permanant impression on the side of your head.
- You never, ever go into the water at the Beach. You barely touch the sand.
- Everyone you know has 3+ phone numbers. Home, Office, mobile, pager, two-way, voicemail.....
- It is not unusual for your waitress at a restaurant to have blue streaked hair, a dragon tattoo and tounge piercing.
- You are awakened in the middle of the night by a moderate earthquake. Your reply: "That ain't even a 5-pointer" and go back to sleep.
- You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It don't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.
- You live 10 miles from work. It takes you 60 minutes to get home.
- Walking out of Jamba Juice, you see that a movie is being shot on-location across the street. You are not happy, or even slightly exited that there may be a movie star there. You just say, " They f*ckin better not be blocking my parking space."
- You personally know at least 3 people who have been in a movie or TV show.
- You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.
- You know that not everyone in Beverly Hills is a millionaire.
- You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.
- The guy at 8:30 in the morning at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
- Any invitation comes with, "Starts at 8pm or as soon as you can get through traffic." You have never met a waiter that wasn't really an "Actor."
- You call 911 and they put you on hold.
- The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.
- You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from So Cal.
Dog and Pony Show Gone Awry
Regardless of what the universe tosses your way or how suddenly it's tossed, you've always been much more liable to wait, think and consider what to do next than to react immediately. That's a trait that's come in handy more than once, but it won't do the job now. What's called for at the moment is the ability to act quickly and to be bold enough to make the consequences of those actions stick, both of which you definitely have covered.
Well the first part sure is true! This day has been just one thing after another…not just today, rather this last week has been a nonstop rollercoaster. I don’t even know where to start…I know that there are a lot of moderately important details that I have left out thus far.
I will attempt to fill in the gaps and we’ll see what happens. So I guess I should back up to when Grace got here. I took the whole family (minus dad who was working…that story is next) with me to the airport to pick up Grace. In our excitement and exhaustion, we took the wrong bags from the airport. A fact we wouldn’t realize until hours later. Thankfully it was no huge problem the next morning we went back to the airport and retrieved the correct bag.
So after the airport Saturday night, we took Grace, D, and the kids to the station to see Dad. The kids had a blast playing on the trucks and wandering around the station meeting all the other guys. Guess who was pulling overtime?? Ya’ll get three guesses and the first two don’t count.
Yes sports fans, JD was working and damn did he look good!! Wait, so not my story. He and Grace finally met and because there was enough going on around us, we three managed to get a descent amount of time together to just hang out. It was great and considering how awkward this meeting could have been…it went off perfectly! Grace and JD got along wonderfully, as I figured they would, and they even managed to gang up and tease me a few times. The only downside…I now have to enlist another person to be my impartial sounding board when it comes to JD, as Grace is now infatuated as well. (Though, we did find her a pretty-ish firefighter of her very own) ;-)
Next…ya’ll already got the rundown on the concert and hangin’ with Joel on Sunday. Oooh, side note: little brother Bean is bringing us the signed items for our collage that we were previously lacking. :-D Yay us!! And yay little brother!
My workweek has been insane with this new report system that has been implemented. We are slowly working out the kinks…so hopefully soon things will get back to normal. (we had yet another meeting today)
Grace and I have been running back and forth all over creation trying to balance apartment drama with seeing family and getting caught up with friends. Tuesday was family dinner night in Napa (“when you get tired you take a napp-a; you don’t move to Napa!!”) It went well, I love that Grace gets along with my big, loud, crazy family. They really are fun!
Last night was fire cadets, no big brother S…he’s off in the woods being the grand poobah of the band geeks. (you know I love ya, S) So I had to teach by myself again…no big deal at all…I just had a manic crash right before I was supposed to go; this in addition to having to return to work to help sort out another disaster. Oy vey!! I need a new job, or a vacation, or a pay raise or all the above would be great.
Anyway, apartment drama: that’s what sparked this whole post in the first place. Grace and I have been running in veritable circles the last 48 hours trying to get all our ducks into the pond (forget the whole row concept). I am all for flexibility…but I don’t do well when NOTHING is set in stone. You’d think that after the last two and a half years of my life I’d be used to this…but no such luck. I am still human after all. So anyway, we are hoping that all the paperwork goes through and we still get to move in on Monday…if not then, we have to wait until Wednesday. We really hope the former is out option.
So that is the basic story of my life this week. Grace and I fly to San Diego tomorrow night to load up her moving truck and start heading back this direction. I just remembered...today is Daniel's 26th birthday...damn we're getting old. ;-) Just kidding...not about the birthday though.
Stupid People Everywhere
In case anyone wondered, I hate people... no, really, I do. By and large, people are lame and I could do without their drama for a while. It seems that everywhere I turn lately, there are dumbasses a plenty.
Here at work we have far more than our quota. So, first off, I hate people who get rewarded for bad behavior or for not doing their jobs. It is review time around here...that is a joke...and so not the funny kind. "It's drama. Bad, not funny Roseanne kind of drama." (anyone know that movie??Anyway, I am so not holding my breath for the raise that I (and FG, D and the other office staff) deserve. No, instead some people who do nothing but sit on their fat asses and make more work for us will be getting the raises and/or bonuses. If I didn't need this money, albeit pathetic as it is, I would quit today. I don't even think I would look back. I hate working here...but unfortunately the job market isn't what I would call booming around here. I love what I do, but I can't afford to be one of Kathie Lee's kids for much longer.
Secondly, I hate people who make it their life's mission to be obnoxious. So I was thrilled about the recent outcome in San Diego.It's about damn time thatthis happens. San Diego has enough other problems.More things I hate: Celebrities who grandstand about some aspect of politics without ever bothering to become informed or provide any constructive suggestions to change the course of action of whatever they are protesting today. Miss Sadie has a great take on thisIt's also nice to know (although I wish she didn't have to have so much drama herself) that I'm not the only one who has an intense dislike for most humans right now...it appears that Miss Judy has some words of her own.
When Will We Learn?
It's so sad to me how many people my age still don't know who they are. In my mind, it's natural to need some time to search for who your true self is, or to allow the "real" you to surface...but damn, people! I know this rant seems out of place, but I talked to a friend last week that still doesn't have a clue who she is as a person...she is still overly concerned with how others view her, her life, her boyfriend, everything...I just don't understand it. I went through a period of time where I didn't know who I wanted the outside world to see me as; but I've always known inside who I am and what I stand for. Ok, sorry for the rant...I just had to get it off my chest. Maybe eventually she will figure out that she has to be ok with herself before anyone else will be.Try Too Hard ~ Pink1, 2, 3, 4!
You follow every line,
You wear perfect patch and style
You're like a satellite you're driftin' throught the sky
You can't make up you mind about this or that,
or anything at all
So you go with the flow and hope to God that no one knows it
Everything you are, everything you say
Everything you do is not for you
Everything you feel, Everything you know
Found it on your favorite TV show
And it's people like you that make me sick
I'm surrounded by you everywhere I look
You're telling everyone
How different you really are
But it's been said before,
So maybe you're not special after all
If you put the same amount of effort into letting go
Just act yourself and you might like it, you never know
'Cause is everything you want,
Everything you do
You try so hard to be everyone but you
Everywhere you turn,
You just gotta learn
It's easier if you don't try so hard
And it's people like you that make me sick
I'm surrounded by you everywhere I look
Is there somewhere I can go to get away
Where there's truth and people mean just what they say
You try too hard
You just try too hard
You try too hard
And it's people like us that make me sick
I'm surrounded by it everywhere I look
Is there somewhere we can go to get away
Where there's truth and people mean just what they say
You try too hard
You just try too hard
Updates
Ok, so I don't have the mental concentration to actually write anything new today so instead, ya'll get some updates and some other interesting things to read.First off, Jason of Generation Why is recovering well from his surgery and hopefully he will be up and writing again soon.There are some great posts up today at Christina's place and Chad's got some awesome new photos up. Also, thanks to Chad for bringing this poem some well deserved recognition.The Fabulous Miss Joan is having a rough day, so stop by and wish her well. Also, take a second to wish Judy good luck on her new job. (Fingers crossed over here, sweetie!)If you haven't taken the time yet, all the posts are up for this week's installment of Seven Inches of Service...excellent stories, ladies!!So enjoy the reading today everyone. If I get the chance and the brainpower, I will write more...or anything original at all. Don't anyone hold your breath however, I have been incredibly slow the last two days.
Redding Round-up
So tired!! I haven’t gotten more than four hours of sleep a night for about a week now. My body is gonna revolt any day now…I am just waiting for my brain to get up the energy to stage a coup. At least I have a good reason to be tired today.
Last night Grace, D and I went up to Redding to visit Grace’s brother and to see him in action…translation: we went to see Dierks Bentley in concert. It was an awesome show!! I stayed sober this time…there were no Mai-Tai’s to be seen…orchids a plenty though. ;-)
So, here’s the rundown: the day started off with nothing going quite as we had planned. Grace and I ended up making an unexpected trip to Sacramento, we made an extra trip into town and then we drove the two hours to Redding. It was absolutely insane…but so very worth it!
We got to the venue on time (a big improvement from last time) and met up with Joel. We hung out in the tour bus with Gary and him. Dierks didn’t “shhh” us this time, he was actually rather pleasant. Just in case anyone wondered, he’s not photogenic at all because in person, he’s cute. We got to talk to Robbie for a couple moments…well, as much as you talk to Robbie, he’s pretty quiet.
We went and had dinner with Joel until he had to go to work. He set us up with passes and decided that we should actually get to see the concert this time, so he got us set up with our party cups in the wings across from his sound booth. We had probably the best seats in the house and didn’t have to share them with anyone else! Woohoo!! It was a blast! It was strange to be standing there and not be working, but it was a lot of fun.
After the show, we waited for Joel to direct the packing and stowing of all the gear…VERY impressive to watch. Anyway, while he was preoccupied with breaking down the equipment, Grace and I went over to the bathroom and got a long length of paper towel (it was the closest thing we had to butcher paper) and we borrowed a Sharpie from some random people so that we could make a sign. It read: “We love you, Joel!!”
So we went over to the middle of the front row and held it up between the three of us, just waiting for Joel to turn around; as soon as he did, we broke into cheers until he and the other band members were laughing. In return, he gave us a broken drumstick…which Steve (who “doesn’t do autographs”) signed for us. Hehehe. It was pretty funny.
We got to hear all about Rod, Gary and Steve’s experiences in the casino. Apparently Black Jack was a good bet last night (pun partially intended). Anyway, we hung out for quite a while, since we were still supposed to be hanging out with Superman…no such luck. He was still sleeping. So we sent Joel off to bed just before midnight and then we dragged our sorry arses the two hours back home. It was a long, exhausting, fun-filled day. :-) Can’t wait ‘til next time!!
Gotta Love DCUs
BDUs and DCUs: quite possibly the two best acronyms the army has to offer. I love a man in uniform! I have always liked men in uniform, but until Clark came along, I never fully understood the allure of camouflage. The first picture I ever saw of Clark was of him facing the camera, dressed in his BDUs, middle finger extended and a mischievous grin on his face…apparently, that was all it took. I was smitten.
I know that we’ve all written a lot about the huge downsides of deployment. All of it is true…deployments suck; but there is one little trade off that works in our favor…DCUs…I’ll take those over the BDUs anyday. Whenever Clark was in his, I wanted to rip them right back off of him. Not only is it about the sexiest view around, but it also made me damn proud to be his girlfriend.
Clark’s demeanor is always a little bit different when he’s in his uniform…not just the different conduct rules…it’s deeper than that. He stands a little straighter, he’s a little more serious, a little more focused. I love just watching him work and just simply interact with people as “army Clark”.
I remember so vividly the morning Clark stepped off the tarmac in Washington after a year in Iraq. In that moment he was exhausted, dirty, and about the most beautiful man in the world to me. He looked incredible in those DCUs, with his fatigue cap tilted back slightly on his head…I barely let him in the door of the hangar before I jumped on him. The pictures of that morning show the bemused faces of the soldiers that came through the door after him.
All that next week, he was in uniform everywhere he went, since he was working nonstop so that we could go home as soon as possible. One afternoon we went to a mall and because he was in uniform, complete strangers stopped him to say thank you and shake his hand. I was so overcome by it all…all I could think was, “damn, I’m a lucky girl.”
Part of me still feels that way. Whenever I come across a picture of him in uniform, or pick up his dog tags off my dresser or car keys…I am so proud of him and for the record, his DCUs still get to me.
Military Monday
Happy Monday ya'll! As is the custom around here, Monday means the Seven Inches of Service posts are up. Go check them out. This week we are discussing the power of BDUs/DCUs over a girl's libedo. ;-) It's good stuff...here's an excerpt of mine...
BDUs and DCUs: quite possibly the two best acronyms the army has to offer. I love a man in uniform! I have always liked men in uniform, but until Clark came along, I never fully understood the allure of camouflage. The first picture I ever saw of Clark was of him facing the camera, dressed in his BDUs, middle finger extended and a mischievous grin on his face…apparently, that was all it took. I was smitten.
I know that we’ve all written a lot about the huge downsides of deployment. All of it is true…deployments suck; but there is one little trade off that works in our favor…DCUs…I’ll take those over the BDUs anyday. Whenever Clark was in his, I wanted to rip them right back off of him. Not only is it about the sexiest view around, but it also made me damn proud to be his girlfriend.
Now go...read the rest.
Dreaming Again
So glad it’s Friday again…it’s been another long week. I went to bed last night at about 9:30 with the help of some really good drugs…I was apparently doing penance to the migraine gods…again. This week my sleep has been plagued with dreams…dreams I don’t understand, and can’t put my finger on.
There has only been one so far this week that has had any real meaning…and it wasn’t for me. I’m so thankful my friend knew what to do with the information, because I was at a loss. I knew it was important, but it’s difficult to disseminate information you can’t process yourself.
So maybe the dreams will slow down again now that I have paid attention and passed along the information entrusted to my poor, overly stressed mind. If only I could sleep more than a few hours at a time. I was talking with Grace this morning and she asked how I slept. (“On me back, Mush”) The answer: I slept a lot, I only woke up three times.
That’s not normal…normal people sleep through the night. Right? Normal people don’t wake up at the same time every single night because they missed a phone call two years ago. I don’t know how to fix it. My manic brain can be slowed though meds…not slowed completely, but enough that I can relax. But the waking up, well that happens even when I take sleeping pills, which, for the record, I do very rarely.
On another note, I am once again stressing about money. I swear, I hate feeling this obsessed with money…I really don’t like the stuff. I mean I like being able to pay my bills and play…but I certainly don’t chase money…if that were the case, I wouldn’t be at this job, and I certainly wouldn’t find military men appealing. ;-) I just want to be able to pay for everything on time and maybe still afford name-brand ramen.
Friday Radio
I heard this song on the radio this morning...I had to turn it up and laugh. It brought back all sorts of childhood memories...not like that you pervs...it's just really old school...still not sure why they kept giving her record deals...but let's be honest, ya'll know this song.Cold Hearted ~ Paula AbdulHe's a cold-hearted snakeLook into his eyesuh ohHe's been tellin' liesHe's a lover boy at playHe don't play by rulesuh ohGirl don't play the fool--noYou're the one givin' up the loveAnytime he needs itBut you turn your back and then he's offand runnin' with the crowdYou're the one to sacrificeAnything to please himDo you really think he thinks about youwhen he's outHe's a cold-hearted snakeLook into his eyesuh ohHe's been tellin' liesHe's a lover boy at playHe don't play by rulesuh ohGirl don't play the fool--noIt was only late last nightHe was out there sneakin'Then he called you up to check that youwere waiting by the phoneAll the world's a candy storeHe's been trick or treatin'When it comes to true love girl with himthere's no one homeHe's a cold-hearted snakeLook into his eyes uh ohHe's been tellin' liesHe's a lover boy at play uh ohGirl don't play the fool--noYou can find somebody better girlHe can only make you cryYou deserve somebody better girlHe's c-cold as ice(cold as ice, hes cold as ice...)Stay away from him, girl!C-c-c cold heartedOoh Ah AhhC-c-c cold hearted SssssssnakeC-c-c cold heartedOoh Ah AhhC-c-c cold hearted SssssssnakeHe's a cold-hearted snakeLook into his eyes uh ohHe's been tellin' liesHe's a lover boy at playHe don't play by rules uh oh Girl don't play the fool--noOoh Ahh
Today's Thoughts
When will the drama cease?? If it’s not one thing, then it’s another…ah well, I suppose I can’t ever complain that my life is boring. So, here’s a brief rundown:
1. Grace flies in on Saturday night. She’ll be here for just under a week to finish all the last minute details before we both fly back down to San Diego to pack the truck and drive back up here to move into the apartment.
2. My older brother, S, agreed to sign our lease with us…he may want to move in; he hasn’t decided, but either way he said that he will sign our lease. Score!! That means we don’t have to come up with an extra 5 grand, and I get to keep all of my organs. ;-)
3. Grace’s big bro has yet again come through for us and we have concert tickets for Sunday night. Dierks Bentley, here we come! Oh, and a side note to last time, thanks, in part to our partying ways, we have been informed that Superman is back on the wagon, and will not be joining in this weekend’s festivities. Hehehehe. Seriously, good for you Supe. I’m proud of ya; I’m sure it’s not been easy with how much time you spend touring. For the record, we’ve slowed quite a bit as well.
4. Ok, so I was over at Fistful of Fortnights and Miss Sadie had the cutest little adopted llama in her post. So, I got me a fish friend for Fezzik. So scroll on down and check him out...or go get your very own.
5. So, the promotions list came out…JD didn’t get his…not that we are surprised. Actually it would have been far more surprising for him to have gotten it…He’s given up all hope of ever getting his permanent promotion as long as this chief is in power…he just applies on principle. Everyone knows JD is more than qualified. It was brought to my attention last night, by S, that JD has racked up 25 years worth of experience in the 9 years he’s been with the department. (Every major anything that has happened in the community…JD has been there. He’s like a freakin’ black cloud! Good for experience; bad for the psyche) Anyway, the chief’s rat (yup nicest name) got promoted…again. Not that we are surprised in the least. It’s glaringly obvious how the system works these days. But in a related vein, a little bit of sunshine in this…a friend of mine, who has been a firefighter there for about 15 years turned down the Captain promotion, and I quote (I am so proud of her), “The promotion isn’t mine to have. You know damn well that it belongs to [JD]. That is his spot to have and I will not be the one to take it from him. You can keep your promotion. Thank you.” She is the damn man!!! She’s bright enough to know that by saying that, she will never get the captain promotion while this current chief is there…but she also had enough integrity to stand by what she believes in. Integrity, in and of itself, is a death sentence in this department these days, unfortunately.
Ok, so I think that is everything for the moment…back to the salt mines ;-)
I've noticed..
Ok, I'm sure by now ya'll are seeing a pattern of sorts. I have been in a total Lifehouse mood the last few days. I love all their music...hell, Jason Wade could sing me the damn phone book and I would be happy...well, Chad Kroeger and Fred Durst too...anyway, I digress. My favorite Lifehouse album is still the original, No Name Face. I just love it!
Somewhere Inbetween ~ Lifehouse
I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneath my feet
'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Recent Reminiscing
I was reminiscing just a bit ago with Grace. Our conversation was brought on by the post I wrote for Seven Inches of Service this week. She just finished reading it, and she reminded me of the late night phone calls we used to have when I was worried about Clark, or upset about something that had happened, or I was so excited about what he said that I couldn’t wait until morning to share. She had the patience of a saint with me. I know I sounded (ok so it’s actually still present tense) like a broken record. “I miss Clark.” Blah, blah, blah, on and on. Poor Grace, sometimes I wonder how she puts up with all of it. She didn’t even get the camel she was promised ;-)
Anyway, as the deployment progresses, there will inevitably be calls you miss. No matter how careful you are about phone days or how close you keep your cell phone, sometimes there are circumstances beyond our control. In ten months, I missed four phone calls. Not bad considering the amount of calls I did receive, but I can still remember each and every missed call. There are two that really stick into my head.
The first time Clark called me after he left, my phone had no reception and didn’t even ring. He had been gone for eleven days, and I missed him terribly. I knew he was safe because my TG’s husband had called home a couple times but Clark hadn’t called. I had been told that Clark missed me and wanted to call but he had been on guard duty each time his crew went to the phone center. Then, finally, the time he didn’t have guard duty…of course he called, it was 2:20 am my time.
TG called and woke me up to see how Clark was doing and I was completely confused. She asked me, hadn’t I talked to him, he was at the phones and he said he was calling me. And I told her that no, I hadn’t talked to him. So I told her I would call her back and I saw that there was a voice message on my phone. It was Clark, and the message is forever etched into my brain, along with the tone and inflection of his voice.
He said, “Hi Audrey, it’s Clark. I just wanted to let you know that I’m ok, I’m still here. And I will call you again as soon as I can.” And that was it.
I collapsed into sobs, he had sounded so exhausted, so disappointed; it absolutely broke my heart. I had been trying so hard to be brave and strong about him being gone. I hadn’t complained that he hadn’t called yet, I tried so much to be happy for TG and all the other wives that had already gotten calls and then this. I was literally distraught because to make matters worse, Clark thought (out of the whole deployment insecurity issue) that I was screening his call and that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore!! Which really is the most ridiculous idea, but at the time it seemed rational to him.
Fortunately, he was able to get away and call me two days later, and I have to say that those were the best ten minutes I’d ever spent on the phone. I remember being at the post office for work and a strange number showed up on my phone. I answered a bit confused, and as soon as I heard his voice I squealed…I got some disapproving looks from fellow patrons, but I couldn’t have cared less.
We worked out all the confusion and ended up closer than before. After that point, whenever he could beg, borrow, or steal a phone he would call. Sometimes only for a minute or two just so that I would know he was thinking about me.
Aahh memories, it’s nice that they aren’t painful anymore. Anyway, thanks Grace, and Joan, and Ingrid, and Rie, and TG and D all the others who went through that insane year with me.
And On it Goes
I am still dealing with the drama of switching servers here at work. My progress has been greatly impeded yet again. I am frustrated, but trying not to take it out on others. The cases are kinda piling up and FG and I are still working the kinks out of the brand new report sytem that they are, of course, instituting the same time as the server switch. Absolutely ridiculous, but that's how it works around here. Needless to say, I have much to do this afternoon; and with my current karma: nothing will be easy. Anyway, here is a song for today. I just love Nikka's music. (Someday, I'ma sing like her...hey I gotta have dreams)I Do Believe ~ Nikka CostaI do believe in a few things that I've seen
But I'm still confused with what life's been showing me
And if I had it my way, I'd ask for a piece of you
What is it you wonder or what do you hold on to?
Some people think that a man is what he's making
Some people think that they're taking too long
Call me naive, because I'm young and always dreaming
But I am listening and I am searching for a way inside
I do believe in a few things that I've seen
No, I dont accept everything life's been showing me
If I had my way, I'd ask for a piece of you
What do you believe in and what else can I see in you?
Some people think that they're born with all the answers
Some people think about nothing at all
From what I've seen it's all in where you're looking
So I am listening and I am searching for an answer that I like
Well Wishes
My favorite political commentator is going to be absent for a while. Jason from Generation Why is undergoing neck surgery today. He'll be gone for a few weeks at least. So if you think about it, send him your prayers and thoughts for a quick recovery.
the rollercoaster
***Originally posted at Seven Inches of Sense***
While he was gone, Clark was mostly even keeled, with me at least. He had his bi-polar swings, but because he was so focused on the tasks at hand, the moodswings were less apparent than normal. I know that the guys he worked with got the worst of his moods; by the time he would get to me, he was so glad that we had time to talk that he rarely got mad or upset with me.
We talked about everything under the sun, and because we established our relationship on the basis of open communication, we had an advantage over some of the other military couples we knew. There were probably only a handful of times in the year Clark was gone that we had anything resembling a fight. No matter how frustrated we were, the rule was “no hanging up, and always say ‘I love you’”.
See in his real life, the person most people know him to be is a tough-talking, tough-acting badass. He has a bad attitude and the ego to back it up. We always joked that his theme song (oh c’mon, ya’ll have one in the back of your head) is “Cocky” by Kid Rock. It fits his persona and most anyone who knows him would agree with that assessment. But with me, he was always a different person. He was sweet, compassionate, fiercely protective but very gentle with me. We are very open about everything, so there is a lot of underlying trust and we are very comfortable with one another; but very few people know the quiet side of Clark.
When he reverts to his other self, it’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass. I got used to it after a while because I understood that it never had anything to do with me, I was simply the recipient because subconsciously, Clark knew that not only could I handle his drama but that I would still love him just as much as ever.
However, there were times during his deployment where his behavior was out of character…one instance in particular stands out in my mind. He had left their camp in Iraq and driven in a supply convoy down to Kuwait. This was somewhat of a normal occurrence for us since he went about every other month. I never liked him being on those roads, but him going to Kuwait also meant two to three days of almost constant phone time. Sometimes we would actually get three or four uninterrupted hours of talk time…that is, if you ignore the peculiar “charms” of satellite phones.
Anyway, it was on one of these trips that Clark called me and was acting very strangely. It took me about twenty minutes to finally get out of him what was wrong. Most of what was said can’t be repeated here for obvious OPSEC reasons, but suffice to say that there was an incident on the convoy road that had him shaken to his core. I had never heard him quite this upset and I was at a loss of what to do to help him…I felt like everything I said was hollow and pathetic.
By this time, Clark and I had a very effective way of communicating in our own code so that we could talk about all the things going on around him and no one was the wiser. I knew from his wording of things that there was more story he hadn’t yet shared. So I gently, but firmly, prodded him to share.
He was quiet for a moment and then he said, “Audrey, you’re going to be really mad at me. I’m an asshole and I’ve done a lot of awful things but this is going to make you really mad. I think you’ll probably hate me after this. But, Audrey, I need you to know that I still love you with all my heart.”
At this point, my heart is alternating between racing and stopping entirely. So I took a deep breath and replied, “Clark, you know I love you, and I promised to stand beside you for the entire duration of this deployment. We both know that we need the other to get through this and nothing is going to change that. Now I need for you to tell me what happened.”
The then recounted, in coded detail, the tragedy that had occurred on his way to Kuwait. But, that unfortunately, wasn’t all that had happened. He had been so upset with himself and the situation that he borrowed a Ducati 990 from some contractor at the base. He took it out into the desert and tried to flip it, spin out, whatever he could to try to crash the bike, and consequently himself, at 120mph.
I was in complete shock. I didn’t know what to think…I was horrified at the knowledge that he almost died, repeatedly, and because he wasn’t at his base, there would have been no way for me to have known for quite some time. There is something I should clarify about Clark; he is an adrenaline junkie. If it’s fast he’ll try it. The running joke is that he can (and will) drive anything with wheels and many things without. So before he left, he promised me that he would be careful and he wouldn’t take any unnecessary risks.
This obviously broke both parts of that particular promise. I was so upset and angry and hurt and above all else: worried sick about him! Here I was, thousands of miles away from the man I love, powerless to help ease his hurt and inner terror. We talked it all out, but it was rough. He was an entirely different Clark than I was used to.
It was then that I fully understood the effects of war on a man’s psyche. I never had an idealized view of war, but neither had I ever felt its effects so deeply or so close to my heart. The flip flops in Clarks behavior continued as the deployment went on, but the worst of it was not to surface until after he was home.
While he was deployed the “I love the Army/ I hate the Army” swing was almost a joke between us. He craved the structure and fully believed in his motivation for the tasks at hand; but he hated the institution that separated us for so long. We used humor to cope with a lot of the trauma that surrounded the entire deployment. I’m sure that to a casual observer, Clark and I would have seemed callous…most people don’t joke around like that; but one either laughs or cries...and neither of us had the time to cry as much as we could have. So we laugh. Some jokes still aren’t funny, but they are all understandable after what he’s been through, and by proxy, I understand too.
Week Two
Happy Monday ya'll. First off, isn't this graphic fabulous?? It is all the creation of Miss Joan!! There is a larger version of it over at her site.Today is the second installment of Seven Inches of Service. So of course my post is up there with the rest of them. This week's topic de jour: The ups and downs in the behavior of your military man. Do I have experiences to draw from or what?? Anyway, it's a pretty long post so I'm not gonna put it up over here just yet. I will eventually, don't worry. But, for the time being, go visit Joan, and all the other girls. Ok, here is a taste of mine:While he was gone, Clark was mostly even keeled, with me at least. He had his bi-polar swings, but because he was so focused on the tasks at hand, the moodswings were less apparent than normal. I know that the guys he worked with got the worst of his moods; by the time he would get to me, he was so glad that we had time to talk that he rarely got mad or upset with me.
We talked about everything under the sun, and because we established our relationship on the basis of open communication, we had an advantage over some of the other military couples we knew. There were probably only a handful of times in the year Clark was gone that we had anything resembling a fight. No matter how frustrated we were, the rule was “no hanging up, and always say ‘I love you’”.
See in his real life, the person most people know him to be is a tough-talking, tough-acting badass. He has a bad attitude and the ego to back it up. We always joked that his theme song (oh c’mon, ya’ll have one in the back of your head) is “Cocky” by Kid Rock. It fits his persona and most anyone who knows him would agree with that assessment. But with me, he was always a different person. He was sweet, compassionate, fiercely protective but very gentle with me. We are very open about everything, so there is a lot of underlying trust and we are very comfortable with one another; but very few people know the quiet side of Clark.
When he reverts to his other self, it’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass. I got used to it after a while because I understood that it never had anything to do with me, I was simply the recipient because subconsciously, Clark knew that not only could I handle his drama but that I would still love him just as much as ever.Now go, get reading... and enjoy. Much more to come.
Find the Cost of Freedom
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. ~ Edmund Burke
Only the dead have seen the end of war. ~ George Santayana This is a song my dad used to sing to me when I was very small. I know I have written before about the musical influences my dad had on my early life. This is one of those songs that has stuck with me throughout the years. It seemed appropriate what with the subject of today. So here ya go: (oh, for the record, it's about the Civil War not Vietnam.)Daylight Again ~ Crosby, Stills & Nash Daylight again, following me to bedI think about a hundred years ago, how my fathers bledI think I see a valley, covered with boys in blueAll the brave soldiers that cannot get older been askin' after youHear the past a callin', from Armageddon's sideWhen everyone's talking and no one is listening, how can we decide? (Do we) find the cost of freedom, buried in the ground Mother earth will swallow you, lay your body downFind the cost of freedom, buried in the groundMother earth will swallow you, lay your body down(Find the cost of freedom buried in the ground)
Tormented by Technology
Technology is not my friend today. I was flat out shut down twice this morning...and I lost my post for Miss Joan's site twice before I decided to just rewrite the whole thing from scratch. For the record, it's an entirely different post than what I started out writing.
Anyway, I have been thwarted repeatedly in my attempt to simply perform my job. We just got a new server here at the office for our large computer network. The tech guys usually work all of the bugs out over the weekend in the hopes that production won’t be affected too much by whatever change has been made. No such luck this time though…our indexer or whatever it’s called, is currently cataloging all of the documents in our system. I work for a research law firm remember? We have a lot of documents in the system.
FG and I are in the midst of a lame and oh so boring project of sorting letters by their year. Yes it’s simple, a trained monkey could do it…which doesn’t say much for our intelligence seeing as we have screwed up several times. But, in our defense we are working with 28 years worth of random letters that may or may not have a logical order. At any rate this day is not particularly exciting. One of our attorneys came by a moment ago to inform us that we may not be up and running tomorrow either. Sigh…so frustrating!! I really did have work that needed done…but now it will continue to pile up for another day.
It’s amazing to realize how much work in an office requires the use of some portion of Microsoft Office. Oy! Well, maybe I’ll get to go home early. I need the hours, but right now my brain is mush! Oh well, back to sorting I go.
Graphic Images
Last night I watched Three Kings with my mom. I love that movie…yeah it’s fictional, but there is so much reality in the different characters…and well, you can’t go wrong with Mark Whalberg. (In my not so humble opinion, anyway). I am one of those strange girls who really likes action and war movies. It’s a rare occasion that my arm has to be twisted to get me to watch action instead of chick-flicks. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love some more normal girl movies; but my top five favorites (besides Audrey movies of course): Basic, Fast and the Furious, Fight Club, Three Kings, and Black Hawk Down.
I don’t enjoy watching all war movies, and I’m really not so morbid. I do watch most everyone that comes out, at least once…I want to know what’s in it. I think, sometimes we (as the general public) need to see images and stories like this…to remind us that war isn’t beautiful…but sometimes even in horrific circumstances you can find beauty in the simple things. I also think that it can help us have better understanding and empathy for those that have gone before us.
I remember watching Saving Private Ryan and afterward I had an overwhelming desire to call my grandfather and just tell him that I love him. He was career Air Force…he flew on bombers through two wars and several “conflicts”. He is an incredible man who has seen horrific things and has remained mostly silent on them all these years. He is still very vocal in veteran’s affairs and other political causes…he is a hero to me. Seeing some of what he went through, helped me better understand him and his inner demons…some of the very same shadows that plague Clark…so, in a way, watching my grandfather has helped me understand Clark and how to deal with the aftermath of his tour.
Anyway, Black Hawk Down...those three words sparked one of the biggest fights Clark and I ever had. It's one of my favorite movies; and I have some friends that were there. But Clark wanted me to watch it while he was gone and he wanted me to send it...I refused...it was the only thing (besides myself) that he asked for and didn't get. I couldn't bring myself to watch it with him gone. I tried valiantly, but I never made it past the scene where the wife misses a phone call and that’s the last chance she had. It was way too close to home and I couldn’t deal with it. I was never one of those girls who would bury her head in the sand…I watched the news, I read the papers, I listened to the accounts of Clark and other soldiers; but I still had to go through the days and nights of uncertainty and fear…so why would I want to bombard myself with those very same images?The week before they went overseas, his crew would sit around every night and have war movie marathons...I've heard that it's not an uncommon thing to do, but i don't understand it at all. The one movie that got to Clark, as in he actually called me and had been crying...he was a mess...was We Were Soldiers. It really got under his skin. I haven't seen it since it first came out, I bawled all through it...especially the part where the wives have to see officers coming down their street. Again, images that hit too close to my heart.
It amazes me how much images can influence and affect us as humans…though I think that it’s what sets us apart…any opinions?
***Addendum***If ya'll need any reminder that there is humanity everywhere, look what Michelle has up today.
Flashback Friday
I hadn't heard this song in years...thank God for Flashback Fridays on the radio. This was sandwiched between Janet Jackson and The Cure... Have a great weekend.
I love this song...it reminds me of the days of: "Is that a nod to the chilly Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the fridge?" (any takers on the movie...without googling...)
Hey ~ JealousyWell tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't start
FRIDAY!!
This week has been insane. Yes that is the understatement of the month, but it's what I've got.It’s official: Federal statutes and Government Codes are going to be the death of me. I have done virtually all Government code sections this week. All of these analyses are blending together and I think my brain is completely overloaded. I have, quite literally, two feet of documents and material on my desk. I think it’s going to bury me before all is said and done. Thank God it’s Friday…I can’t do another day in this week.
Yesterday I put together an analysis letter all by myself. That may not sound impressive…but it’s not the easiest thing to do; and I’ve never done the entire thing on my own. It’s not my job and technically I am not qualified to do it. I am however an excellently trained monkey…hehehe. My boss did nothing more than read my letter and sign it….no changes made to anything!!
I wonder if I could work this into a pay raise…hey a girl’s gotta dream!! I’m still waiting to hear back from the City. I really, really want a job with them. It would take all this money pressure off my back…plus I’d get benefits…that would be fantastic! Especially since my army-provided stash of painkillers is almost gone.
(“It’s the least they could do”) ;-)
Speaking of money and such…G may consider moving in with us. That would rock!! I mean honestly, G will be half living with us anyway…and really, living here would make her commute shorter…her rent would go down…and let’s face it: Jess and I are fabulous! So keep your fingers crossed.
On another topic, I think Greg tried to call this morning. I was in a deep sleep (the only time I sleep well is between 0430 and 0645) and I heard my phone ringing. By the time I got out of bed and saw the number to try to process it, the phone had stopped ringing. It was an area code I didn’t recognize and the number pattern fit that of a military number…so, without a message to help me out, that’s my best guess. See, it wouldn’t do him any good to leave a message…the numbers are outbound only…if you call it back it won’t go through…TG and I went through this repeatedly when James and Clark first went overseas.
Anyway, I’m kinda bummed…but I’m sure he will try again…and eventually the phones will work in our favor. For the record, he might be better off that I didn’t answer the phone…ya’ll wouldn’t believe how long it takes me to wake up sometimes between the hours of 0430 and 0645. If I don’t rip your head off…I may not even know who you are…it’s a toss-up. Sigh…maybe next time. PS~ mira, mira, it's my city!
The Unknown
Sometimes we don't know why things happen...often it's just a matter of time before the pieces fall into place and we understand why the previous events occurred. It's difficult to be "in the inbetween" so to speak...Anyway, Grace, take heart my friend. The twists and turns of this road are all for a purpose and in the end everything works out. Unknown ~ Lifehouse This doubt is screaming in my face This familiar place sheltered and concealed and if this night won't let me rest don't let me second guess what I know to be real put away all I know for tonight and maybe I just might learn to let it go take my security from me maybe finally I won't have to know everything I am falling into grace to the unknown to where you are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown the don't know that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you I got nothing left to defend I cannot pretend that everything makes sense but does it really matter now if I do not know how to figure this thing out I am falling into grace to the unknown to where you are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown the don't know that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you I'm against myself again trying to fit these pieces I'm walking on a cloud of dust to get to you I am falling into grace to the unknown to where you are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown the don't know that keeps me hanging on and I am falling into grace to the unknown to where you are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown the don't know that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you
So Sleepy
Ok, so I have a ton of work to do today, I have a mad migraine and I got about three hours of sleep last night. Suffice to say I am not the most pleasant creature to be around today. I just want to finish these federals and go home (early would be fantastic...hey, a girl can dream). So, to make up for how lame I am today, here is a rundown on what I am reading.Learn about and support a worthy cause over at Miss Kathy's place.Go reminisce about your childhood with Miss Joan. On that note, go read about a beloved author and take Rae's challenge.Shake your collective head as Captain Obvious strikes again at Jason's.And, when you have time, go catch up with Christina and Judy. While you're at it and in such a fantastically social mood, welcome the fantastic Ingrid to our ranks.Love ya'll and hopefully I will be up to actually writing something of my own soon.
Do ya feel lucky?
Well do ya? I'm sorry, I can't help but hear Clint Eastwood in my head...or for the younger set...ya'll probably heard Jim Carrey. Anyway, that is so not my point!! I was over at Seven Inches of Sense and Joan has the most awesome post today. She perfectly captures the uncertainty and confusion and well, downright risk that is involved in military relationships. Even the "good" ones are scary. Being a girlfriend sucks! Not all the time, mind you, but when it comes to getting support or even basic information...well you've got a better chance watching CNN than asking the FRG (Family Readiness Group) for help. I will admit, I lucked out having TG, and the awesome girls with the FRG for Clark's unit. I made some great friends and a couple of them have actually continued to keep in contact with me even after all the drama. I really love you guys (for the record, thank you!) Most girlfriends aren't so lucky...and honestly, had my big sissy not been a part of the group, they probably wouldn't have welcomed me with open arms either. See, as a girlfriend, I lacked a crucial piece of paper that apparently is the only way to prove loyalty. It appears that the ring on my finger meant nothing. ;-) I asked one of the wives about the seeming hatred that most girlfriends experience...her response: "Well, most wives see you all as transitory...girlfriends are here one week, gone the next. It's not worth the effort to get to know them...most of the time."So what about those of us who do choose to stick it out during the rough times? Will we be forever relagated to second class citizenship just because we didn't rush into a marriage? I'm not knocking the people who decide to push their weddings up because of a deployment, after Clark's deployment, the contrary is true. I understand completely, at least once you possess a piece of paper, the military is required to share information with you. Otherwise, you are left to the kindness of others and your own resourcefulness...Once I claimed to be Clark's sister-in-law in order to accomplish what he needed me to do. I had all of his security information and his express permission, but that wasn't enough to get anything of use...so I called back with the exact same information but I identified myself as his brother's wife. That was apparently all the information they needed to help me out. It was absolutely ridiculous! Believe me, I am not advocating lying to the military...I will readily admit it was a risky plan...but it goes to illustrate my point...as a committed girlfriend I was stonewalled at every turn...but wave a faux piece of paper around...and I was golden. Does this make sense to anyone?? It sure didn't to me, and it still doesn't.I do realize that it is incredibly difficult to tell at first whether a girlfriend is going to be in it for the long haul...but at the same time, I think that it would be easier for scared, insecure, worried girlfriends to stick around if they weren't having to prove their loyalty at every turn. (And for the record, I know of many, many wives who were far less loyal than most girlfriends...but casting blame doesn't get us anywhere and the point here is to bridge the gap.) That's why it's such a blessing to so many of us to find online support groups to help us get through the deployment time.***UPDATE***Go visit Judy and see what she has to say about this topic.
