Monday, July 23, 2007

Pink Rocks

Monday, July 16, 2007

Each Day More

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Sometimes even a slight return to normalcy can be enough to keep you off a ledge. That's kinda the way I feel today. I'm exhausted and my body is screaming at me; and yet, I'm happier than I have been in weeks.

I actually feel like there is some hope. Last month I had a few horrible experiences with a physical therapist who turned out to only be a "physical therapy license applicant" who not only had no idea what she was doing but couldn't even speak enough english to understand my needs. She ended up damaging my spinal cord again. The muscle seizures have started back up again and I am on more Baclofen than I would like.

There is good news here too though; I now have a new physical therapist. He has a private practice and he's awesome. I'm already seeing small improvements and he seems to really understand my health issues.

On that note, I've also been reading and researching a lot about Transverse Myelitis. There isn't a ton of research out there and only one research center exists in this country. Johns Hopkins has a center in Baltimore that is making great strides. All I know is that if I get sick again like I was in February, I'm going to Baltimore.
If you're interested, information can be found here: Transverse Myelitis or here: Johns Hopkins


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

gettin' up again

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The last 48 hours have been one drama after another. I swear I thought the sky was falling yesterday. From work to family to life to emotions...everything seemed out of place and I felt like with the karma I had I must have bombed an orphanage in my past life.

I had a meeting in the morning that was supposed to be nothing more than "crossing the t's and dotting the i's" but it turned into a cluster of epic proportions. As of this afternoon, 90% of the drama is resolved...thanks to the world's best caterer and a fantastic six year old.

In the afternoon yesterday, Adrian and I went to look at bikes of the motorcycle variety. Adrian has wanted a bike for a long time and he and I have had all the talks and after everything, I am behind his decision completely. That's huge for me...most of you know how I feel about bikes in general. Anyway, we went to this place where supposedly his friend had hooked him up...not so much. These people were shady. We picked out the bike, "It's not a Nighthawk or a's a my mood" we wanted and got to the part where they run my credit. The salesguy leaves for about 15 minutes and when he comes back he has a copy of my credit report. The conversation goes something like this:
Salesguy: you have really good credit.
Me: I know.
Salesguy: You qualify for all the promotional offers.
Me: I figured I would
Salesguy: You don't qualify for a loan.
Me: Que? What? How's that?
Salesguy: Two of your credit cards are near their limits.
Me: Are they maxed out? Are they in arrears?
Salesguy: Well, no.
Me: Are they in good standing?
Salesguy: Well, yeah.
Me: Then explain to me how I qualify for the promos, I have excellent credit and I can't get a loan.
Salesguy: haven't had credit for that long.
Me: I'm 26, i have a good job and 7 years of excellent credit...that's unheard of. I can't be any older than I am.
Salesguy: could get a co-signer
Me: Um, in case you missed it: I AM THE CO-SIGNER!!
Salesguy: well you could come back with someone else
Adrian: Uh no. We're out. Thanks for being shady. Babe there are other bikes in this town.

OY!! And Adrian was so disappointed too...that sucked!!! Grr. And I haven't even started to go into the actual drama of the last two days...perhaps when there is some resolution...


Saturday, July 07, 2007

"I'm not dead"

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It's kinda how I've felt the last couple months. It's been about survival and I'm tired of just surviving. It's time to start thriving again. One little step at a time. My health may or may not improve any further...I'm not sure I care about that part anymore. I have learned to get by and still be me. Besides, that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Is it the Marines that say, "Pain is just fear leaving the body?" Yeah, I like that...I think I will hang on to that for a while.

Everywhere that I go
There’s someone waitin to chain me
Everything that I say
There’s someone tryin to shortchange me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I’m not gonna break

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck You can hang me like slave I'll go underground
You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down
~~P!nk "18 Wheeler"

I'm done with holding back all the things I want to say and all the things I want to accomplish just because it might make other people uncomfortable or insecure. I am working my ass off, day in and day out, through incredible pain sometimes and it's an accomplishment...and definitely something I should be proud of. I'm learning that I don't have to apologize for being good at something. Adrian helped me to remember that I don't have to apologize for being smart or for educating myself. Now I just have to come to terms with workplace success. I am my own worst critic...I always have been. I have always held myself to higher standards than anyone else. Now it's time for me to stop standing in my own way. I'm proud of the things I've done in the last year.

The pain and heartache of a year ago is over. I have put it behind me...I have broken free of those demons and now I can move forward. I think it's about time to get that tattoo to commemorate it all...