Thursday, December 28, 2006

Land of Confusion

This song captures me today...well the whole week so far...


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Time to Remember

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Today is the three year anniversary of the death of Spc. Michael G. Mihalakis. He was a member of Clark's unit in Iraq. Michael died of injuries sustained in a non-combat vehicle accident at the Baghdad International Airport on December 26, 2003.

In some ways it seems difficult to believe that three whole years have others it seems as if it was an entire lifetime ago. I think that too many of us have lost a personal connection to this war and to the soldiers still fighting it. I know that personally, I would have completely lost touch with the day to day events of the war if it weren't for MOH and the men in uniform I work with.

However, even with the craziness and stress of everyday life, it's still important to remember those who gave their all. So, to Michael's family: Thank you. While my words can never replace what you lost, know that you have my gratitude. I know that nothing can bring your son back; but he will always be remembered.


Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Wishes

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Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël, Natal feliz!!

It's been said that Christmas is the time to tell the truth about what you really want, so in the spirit of the season, here is my list:
  1. I want Adrian's dad to stop suffering and his mom to get some rest.

  2. I want Adrian to be able to not worry so much about family and money and how to make all the pieces fit.

  3. I want MOH to start believing in herself and the amazing quality of her writing.

  4. I want MOH to be safe in Iraq next year

  5. I want my own grandpa to enjoy the time he has left.

  6. I want to be able to pick up extra hours at the old place and for those hours combined with my regular job to be enough to finally pay all my bills

  7. I want all the people I love to have all the joy and love this world has to offer.

  8. and I want those people to know that I love them with every fiber of my being

Thank you all for being a part of my life. "Merry Christmas to us, every one."

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Sick Cycle??

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The confusion inside of me seems unsurmountable right now. I don't know...I feel like I'm back on that carousel like before. No, it doesn't have anything to do with Clark. I'm just at a low point and things I thought I knew have ceased to exist in their proper form. What I need right now is some clarity...maybe someday.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

And So it Goes

“On the road again” seems to be my theme song these days. I have been traveling quite a bit for work. No where exciting unless you count Norwalk and Fresno as hotspots in the great state of California. I don’t but maybe San Diego jaded me. At any rate, it appears that my scribing skills are in high demand. I have been to several conferences and meetings throughout the Department. The way I hear it, there are actually specific requests for my “skills”…all this for a girl who doesn’t type with her fingers on the correct keys. There is no accounting for taste apparently. ;-)

Tomorrow I have a conference all day and I’m not particularly excited about the subject matter. Though I suppose it’s good for me to be exposed to all the different areas under the Department’s control. At the least, I am hoping I won’t fall asleep…one of the Deputy Directors is giving the presentation.

This schedule is good for my career…or so they tell me. Ya know, it wasn’t that long ago that I was dying to travel and be constantly on the go. Now…well, I am just glad that my trip this week was cancelled. I just want to be at home. I have seen Adrian for precisely 15 minutes in the last week. Yeah, we think it’s ridiculous too. But, that’s life right now.

Adrian’s dad is out of the hospital again and apparently in better spirits after being told by his sons that if he wants to return to Mexico, they will facilitate that request. It looks as though Adrian’s parents will be here through Christmas and head home shortly thereafter. I think that as terrible as it sounds, he will be better off in his home, even if it’s away from the majority of his kids.

The way I see it, Adrian will stress about his dad whether he’s in the same country or not. Maybe now at least the pressure from the rest of the family will dissipate once mom and dad are back home. As it stands right now, Adrian catches hell if he goes even one day without visiting his parents. God forbid he wants to spend time with me. I know that part of this is cultural and part of this is because Adrian is the youngest of 14. Either way, I won’t cry when we finally have “us” time again. Perhaps that makes me a horrible, selfish person…but I have been more than understanding the last several months. The pressure of family is wearing Adrian thin and while I can about his family…Adrian…not his siblings…is my main concern.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

When the Moon Mellows

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The moon has finally calmed a bit. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it wasn't completely without drama. MOH is safe and so is the rest of the circle. However, Adrian's dad is in the hospital. It's the third time since Thanksgiving.

Adrian's dad has advanced Parkinson's disease and the day after Thanksgiving he had a stroke and he's getting progressively worse. Adrian is, of course, having a very difficult time. His dad has always been his Superman and he's finally coming to terms with the idea that his dad isn't going to get better. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Foretunately, most of Adrian's family is in the area for the time being. I know that it's been good for them together again. At this point, it's my prayer that his dad will at least be comfortable.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Blood on the Moon?

The dread is growing…it’s stronger than it’s been in a long time. We are all feeling it. What the it is remains to be seen. Neither G nor Adrian have any idea of what is coming, though they’ve both been warned to be very careful the next few days.

G had a horrific call a few days ago, but that obviously wasn’t the it we are waiting out. I have yet to be able to calm the chills that are coursing through my body. My stomach and spine are still in knots and I can barely concentrate on work. There isn’t enough to keep my mind focused on anything other that the unknown. It’s getting stronger…

My sleep has been very disturbed again. Last night I saw blood on the moon…though there wasn’t any when I looked out the window. I am terrified that being near me will end up causing Adrian pain. I can’t lose him…

Usually, if I’m worried about something in regards to Adrian, it has more to do with the fact that I can be very intense and it tends to scare people who either don’t know me or at least don’t know how to handle me.

When I’m in a relationship, I’m very focused and my energy can be overwhelming. I’m always thinking of little ways (or sometimes big ways) to show the man I’m with how much I care about him. Adrian has told me that it takes some getting used to…that he’s never had another girl be so considerate of his needs, wants, feelings. If he says he wants something, I do everything in my power to make it happen…especially if it’s something he mentions in passing and doesn’t expect me to remember.

See, I don’t even think about being in a relationship until I can give a lot of myself…otherwise I run the risk of burning myself out because that person will still get the same amount of my energy. Right now, I am not burning out; but that is at the expense of many friendships…that and Adrian may not know what to do with my intensity…but he doesn’t run from it either.

But today, my fear is more worry and it’s actually for him. Not just esoterically, but actually, physically, bodily. If it’s emotional…it will still be felt physically. There have been several times when I have worried about him and with good reason each time. This time, I was scared to let go of him. I clung to him longer than normal this morning. I think that’s how he knew I was serious when I told him about what I sensed.
It’s taking everything in me not to call him every hour to check on him. But, until I know more it won’t do any good to hover. Just wish I had some idea…and it would be great if the moon would stop bleeding on my dreams…

Sunday, December 03, 2006


I just returned from an evening with the extended family in Napa. It's been good to be around family lately...and only partly because G-ma is back! Yep, it's true. G-ma is back permanently...or at least as long as we still have grandpa. He realized (after my parents and I visited for a couple weeks in September) that he missed those of us out here and perhaps picking up and selling all they owned to move to Tennessee wasn't the best decision he'd ever made. Hmm...ya think?

Anyway, they arrived home Thanksgiving week and believe me...I spent the entire week being completely thankful. Things are a little different now, of course. They don't have a house here anymore so they have moved into my Nina's big house in Napa. It's strange not to see g-ma in her house, but I'm so glad to have her back that I hardly notice the location. I've really needed her the last several months.

Grandpa is still very ill...they took him off the miracle pills. They just weren't helping and they made him feel weak. So he decided that he would rather enjoy the time he has left. Grandpa is on morphine patchs around the clock now and he's getting weaker. But, he's happier now than he has been in quite some time. He's at peace with death and has come to a point where he realizes the value of family rather than stuff. That's a big deal for my grandfather who has always measured happiness in money.

I'm just grateful that g-ma and grandpa are close enough for me to visit again. I wish I could see them more frequently, but once a week is far better than the three months I had to wait each time once they moved to Tennessee.

Friday, December 01, 2006

From the wreckage of myself

Much has changed in the last several months. I am still in the same cities; but little else in my life is the same. I am now fully involved in the ORISE job and I can finally share some of it with ya’ll.

I am now a contractor with the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security. I am on a couple task forces, but the majority of the next year will be spent as the personal assistant of the lead planner. I am excited and overwhelmed with all that is going on.

I am younger than ever other person in this office by at least ten years…it’s more than a little intimidating some days. The only thing that keeps me going back is the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. MOH and I know that none of this has happened by accident and we are going to need every piece that has been put into play.

I work 10-14 hours days five to six days a week. I have little time for anyone or anything not work related, and it sucks. But, this is the path that I’m on and I choose my choice. I really appreciate those of you who has stuck around anyway. My close friends have all been very supportive of the fact that I have nothing to give to anyone right now.

Believe me, I miss all of you; but I am doing all I can to survive right now. My schedule doesn’t open up until the middle of February. It’s a daunting thought for me too…but it’s what I have to work with right now.

On a slightly happier note, Adrian (cute boy) and I are doing well. We don’t see each other nearly as much as either of us would like; but I hear that’s just part of being a grown-up. We have had our ups and downs and each time we’ve come out stronger as a pair. It’s something I am still getting used to. I’m still learning how to be in a grown-up relationship and it’s taking some work.

MOH and Grace get on my case when I say that one of these days, Adrian is going to wake up and realize that he is way out of my league. I’m not just being self-deprecating…he really is that fantastic. See, I’ve dated some wonderful men…they had their demons, but who among us doesn’t? But with all of them, I was the better person in the relationship. I’m not trying to be conceited…think back with me…Ya’ll have heard the horror stories about the destruction of Clark and me. We all know that Kolohe was not a healthy situation…there was Daniel…basically, I have a pattern.

I pick men with (and I hate this word) potential. But I don’t pick men who have become. I always find them in the transition. I’m good at picking up pieces…it’s what I do. And it usually ends in me getting hurt…though I am pretty guarded in choosing who is allowed into my heart in the first place.

Then along came Adrian. He is a bona-fide grown-up. He is (as my dad says) child-like without being childish. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And it came in a package I would have never suspected. See, for those of you who know me in any other plane, you know what I usually pick up off the shelf. Adrian isn’t any of those things, and it turns out he’s exactly what I’ve needed all along.

He makes me laugh. He lets me cry. He believes I am strong enough and smart enough to do anything I put my mind to…but he’s never expected me to be perfect. He apologizes when he’s wrong and it’s rarely a fight to get there. He makes me act like a grown-up when it comes to the important things; but he lets me be silly too. We’ve had some rough ground to cover, and we’ve picked up our share of baggage from each other’s past; but it’s made us stronger.

There are days when I don’t know how all the pieces will fit…there are so many differences in our worlds. Our backgrounds are like night and day; and it’s not been an easy road…it’s been more like a mountain climb without Sherpas. That’s not news to anyone, least of all me. The difference this time, is that Adrian is in this with me…I’m used to fighting battles alone.

In the rest of my person relationships, I have become the invisible friend. I have pulled back completely from acquaintances and those who demand of me without giving back. I don’t have the energy or even the desire to keep those relationships up. Maybe that’s cold and callous…I don’t know. But I know that for the first time in my life, I’m putting myself first in some areas just to survive. And you know, I’m actually sleeping most nights. Don’t misunderstand me, there are several people I love dearly and hate that I haven’t been in contact with them; something I hope to rectify after the first of the year.

For the time being, I am working non-stop and traveling several days a week for work. Someday I will emerge…hopefully intact. I know that most of you will still be there cheering me on, and for that I am eternally grateful…more than I could ever express.

Je vous aime tout.