True Outrage
"There is so much we cannot do. We cannot give the children back their parents, but we can return to them their most basic human rights--their rights to health, tenderness and life." Audrey Hepburn
Ok, so I'm going out on a limb here and I'm going to get on another political soapbox. Those of you who know me in my real life know that this cause is a big deal to me...it is something I am very passionate about. A little background so that this tirade doesn't come out of nowhere...I was reading political blogs around the 'sphere...and I am so very, very tired of hearing ill-informed alarmists and so-called watchdogs spewing the rhetoric of "No blood for oil."Is that really the only thing ya'll have to say?? Ya'll can't possibly think that is the only thing this war is about?? Or, in the same vein...there is the ever popular Gitmo drama that has actually ended up back-firing on the uninformed...Anyway, I'm starting to get off-track...back to my original rant, I am sick and tired of hearing about "the injustice" of it all...of the "callous attitudes" of the U.S. military personnel just doing their jobs...but here's where I get really frustrated...I would put good money on the fact that all these grandstanders never even flinched at the concept of Blood Diamonds; the diamond market barely felt the effects here in America...so apparently it's only certain ethnicities who are worthy of the liberal political outrage...These politicians didn't stop buying diamonds and other jewels...they barely acknowledged the reports of the slaughter of the innocents...God forbid they (the American politicos) have to show up for any event as anything less than glitterati. I'm sure there are a few who at least paused long enough to get their next round of jewels certified. (which for the record is still the only way to be sure that your diamonds haven't come from the slave mines in Sierra Leone) The civil wars in Sierra Leone produced thousands of victims, and yet it barely registers on the public conscious...but a few terrorists claim to have been mistreated and the nation is up in arms?!?!?! How can this be? If this country (which I happen to love and am so proud to be a part of) is going to invest aid money in foreign countries...how 'bout we continue to direct money towards the helpless...not waste time "to rehabilitate" criminals who go back out to terrorize us again??In my mind this isn't an apples and oranges debate...but rather a Granny Smith versus Fuji issue... but that's my two cents worth.End Rant. 
Certain Connection
When Clark can’t sleep, I can’t sleep…it sucks…even when he is completely out of my life in the physical sense, somehow we are still connected. I can’t explain it, and I can only begin to understand it…the same is true for him…and it scares him to death. I am far more comfortable with our “understanding” of one another, as it were.
Before me, he had never felt a connection to another human being this strong…or this deep…that’s not unusual, really…most people never have this type of connection to another. If I’m hurting…he knows…the same for me when he is hurting. If one of us is in danger, the other knows…close calls even register…even when there was an entire continent between us, we knew.
I guess I should start this story at its beginning. I have premonitions…not about everyone…but I have them frequently, and I’ve never been wrong. I have always been able to tell the difference between a dream and a premonition. In high school is where I became very conscious of my premonitions and the impact I could have in the lives of others.
I’m sure there are many skeptics out there, and that is perfectly ok with me. I’ve probably heard it all by this point…I have been called crazy and spooky; I have been asked if I was a witch. The answer is of course: No. I don’t just “see” the future…it’s specific…you can’t just ask me a question and I turn into a crystal ball. That’s not how this works. The point is, until Clark, I had NEVER had a premonition about someone I didn’t know. I have had them about people I have never “met” but they were (and are) all people I “know”.
My stories of premonition and cosmic connection do have their own bond…the first person I was connected to, as deeply as Clark, was a dear friend of mine: Dean. He and I made absolutely no sense on paper…not even as friends. But we understood each other so well…we rarely needed words. We were never anything more than friends…it would have screwed things up, I think. But we knew each other’s souls inside and out. We eventually lost touch…but we still have a connection…the last time I heard from him I was still living in San Diego. I was at the end of my emotional rope and I was actually about three hours from my nervous breakdown. He called me out of the blue (mind you, I had never given him my new cell number, he just found me) and he told me he knew what was going on…he spelled it all out for me…there was no way he could have known…I know this because NO ONE he knew had any idea that I wasn’t well.
I was sitting at the beach the day he called…I was just staring at the ocean, contemplating how I could keep my life from completely crumbling…I heard my phone ring…and I just knew it was Dean. It didn’t have a special ring…I had no reason to know he would call…and I hadn’t heard from him in over a year. But it was Dean, of course…and I knew I wouldn’t have to explain anything…and I knew he wouldn’t need to say anything…that’s just how we worked.
Enough about Dean though, thinking about him, makes me sad….so I move on…back to my story. I always thought it was crazy to be so connected to another human…and if I had that once in my life, that was more than I should have ever dreamed, right?
Apparently I was wrong…because that’s exactly what I found with Clark. Even before I knew him…
I got to know Clark in the spring of 2003 while he was stationed at Ft. Lewis in Washington. He was the best friend of my cousin’s hubby, James. I knew nothing about Clark except his name…literally, that is all I knew…and one night I had a premonition…so I called my cousin TG the next morning and I told her that I had something I needed to get to James…but I needed him to not freak out about it. So I told her exactly what I had seen…and she agreed that James needed to know.
So, I called him…I was afraid he would think I was insane...or just dumb at best. But he believed me…he thought it was crazy, but he said that he would pay attention and get back to me.
For the record, it happened EXACTLY as I told him it would…here’s what I saw:
I saw Clark, in perfect detail (and yeah he really does look like the man I saw)…he was in a bad mood about the day and was looking for a fight. He had been joking around with one of the other soldiers and out of no where, something set Clark off…it was some argument about ordering pizza. He got agitated and was ready to throw down with the guy…who apparently didn’t realize that Clark wasn’t playing anymore. I then saw them start to full out wrestle…I then saw James jump in between them and pull Clark off the other guy…about thirty seconds later the first sergeant (the one without a sense of humor) walked up…had James not stopped them, Clark would have been written up and it would have caused him massive drama. I then saw James explain to Clark why he needed to settle down and that everything would be more clear in the morning.
That’s when I woke up…the story I relayed to James had a lot of holes in it…I didn’t want things to play out because he knew…but rather I wanted him to be aware of what was going to play out. All the details I gathered from James after the fact matched what I saw exactly.
Two days later I started talking to Clark…and the connection was already set…that first night we talked for five hours…it was as if we had both known each other forever…after all of the ups and downs we have been through in the last 2 ½ years…I have no doubt that this connection will last. Regardless of our “relationship status” we will always care and understand the other person.
I have many, many more stories along these lines…where the connection between Clark and myself is readily evident…these will come out soon I’m sure…but enough for right now.
Explanation of Things to Come
No Other Way ~ Jack JohnsonWhen your mind is a mess so is mine I can't sleep Because it hurts when I think, when my thoughts aren't at peace With the plans that we make and the chances we take They're not yours, they're not mine There are waves that can break All the words that we said and the words that we mean And the words can fall short, can't see the unseen Because the world is awake for somebody's sake Now please close your eyes Woman [Man], please get some sleep Sleep and know that if I knew all of the answers I would not hold them from you Know all of the things that I know Because we told each other there is no other way Too much silence can be misleading You're drifting I can hear it in the way that you're breathing We don't really need to find reason Because out the same door that it came well it's leaving It's leaving Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves But at least we could sleep, it's all that we need When we wake we would find, our minds would be free To go to sleep Sleep and know that if I knew all of the answers I would not hold them from you Know all of things that I know Because we told each other there is no other way
For Your Listening Pleasure
I actually took Nikka out of my cd player in the car today. I know...it's a shock...but I decided that I hadn't listened to Fefe Dobson since I hadn't heard her in forever...I came across today's song...I had forgotten about it. I really enjoy her music...she's young, but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders and I definitely enjoy artists who write (or at least co-write) their own songs...So here ya'll go.Everything ~ Fefe DobsonSometimes I give into sadness Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I'm part of the madness Sometimes i won't give in to you
Ya see in a way I have been drifting down a river to nowhere
And you're giving me nothing
(Chorus)
But if you're ready to be my everything
if you're ready to see it through this time
and if you're ready for love then
this I will bring
but I'm not going to wait for you forever this time
At times I feel myself smiling At times I'm not
What's with that guilt that you're styling baby Talk don't look good on you
Ya see in a way I have been looking for a reason to go there
And you're leading me nowhere
(chorus)
Are you waiting for a special occasion to give me your heart
cause I need a little confirmation To make a real start
Don't wait til its too late
Are you ready to show me
Are you ready to love me
Random Answers
Ok so Miss Jess sent me this questionaire the other day and since it was mildly amusing, I am now passing on a few of the more random answers...maybe you'll learn something, maybe you won't, maybe you don't care...that is all up to you...I simply provide answers here...1. Were you named after anyone? the story I like? or the truth?? No, seriously, I was named after the character Jenna Wade on "Dallas"
2. When did you last cry? ummm...about two days ago...i was so mad I cried...I hate it when I'm a girl like that
3. When did you last laugh? This morning...FG makes me laugh a lot
4. What is your birth date? 4-21
5. What is your most embarrassing CD? I proudly claim all cds I own...but probably my ‘Nmotion cd...you don't remember them? Don't worry you didn't miss anything
6. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? oh, hell yah! I think I’m amazing! ;)
7. Do you have a journal? This is kind of a redundant question since you’re currently reading it...it's the first one I've actually kept up with...
8. Do you use sarcasm a lot? ummm hello? I grew up in a fire house...any more questions?
9. What are your nicknames? Jenn, Jennanah, kiddo, Precious, little one, Empress ;-) 10. Would you bungee jump? been there, done that, got the t-shirt
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? if they tie to begin with...if they're flip flops I'd look silly trying to untie them...don't you think?
12. Do you think that you are strong? Physically or emotionally?? The answer is yes on both counts...I don't always feel strong, but the fact that I'm still on the planet is a testiment to the fact that I'm stronger than I think
13. Favorite Sounds? kids laughter, ocean waves, engines, friends voices
14. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'ma skip this question...I'm not allowed to dwell on the things i don't like because I get unhealthy
15. Who do you miss most? my g-ma and Clark
16. What are you listening to right now? Currently "Forever and Ever" by Randy Travis and pieces of “tray again” by Alihiah (sp?) that I can hear from FG’s stereo
17. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Deep, deep metallic purple
18. What is the weather out like right now? it is a beautiful early summer day in the Sacto Valley
19. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? shoulders, eyes, shaved head (or lack thereof)
20. Favorite Drink? "but why is the rum gone?" here here agreed...Malibu with well just about anything
21. Favorite Sport? FOOTBALL baby
22. Favorite Food? Santanas...ok so I like Mexican food...and Thai food (but not if it smells like feet) ;-)
23. Last Movie You Watched? Batman Begins (sooo good!! I love Christian Bale)
24. Favorite Smells? sexy man, rain in the forest, ocean, Christmas, diesel exhaust off of fire trucks...
25. Do you have a special talent? do you have $1.99?? Just kidding...
Mellow Morning
My day is all out of order today. I just got to work a bit ago…yeah that would indeed mean that I am 2 ½ hours late (yes I called in ahead of time). Anyway, I had to stay home with Mamacita this morning. She’s recovering well, but she has a migraine from the anesthesia they used so she can’t be left alone. So I stayed with her until Dad got there to take over.
No big deal, I honestly don’t mind. I mean, Lord knows she’s taken care of me enough times…but today it threw my whole routine off. I didn’t know I would be staying home until about two minutes before I was supposed to leave for work.
I’m a pretty flexible person, and I don’t actually like to have my whole day mapped out…but I do enjoy having at least an idea of what the game plan looks like. In my office, I have developed a pretty rigid morning routine for myself, mostly just to make sure I don’t forget any of the 53 steps I go through each day…and it helps combat the incredible disorder of the office where I work.
It’s a good thing that I am detail-oriented without being particularly neurotic…I’d never survive, or like our attorneys, I’d be working on my very own coronary. ;-)
No, instead, I spent the morning bored off my ass…I got to talk to Miss Jess (who finally went to the doctor today) but we were both really boring…I couldn’t get too far from Mamacita and I had to be quiet (so cleaning is out) so we watched “The Price Is Right”. Can I just tell you…SO BORING!! It made me feel so damn old!! It did reaffirm my knowledge that there is absolutely nothing on TV during the morning hours. Oy!
So I finally got here to the office about noon…I actually got parking (woohoo!!) And, as a bonus, I’ve managed to get work done already…but my day is completely out of whack now…I don’t know how I’m going to get back on schedule…but I have to try…I have cadets tonight…
Hmm…on that note, I really ought to find out what I am teaching…
Classic Croonin'
This one definitely goes back a ways...it's Billie Holiday...I just love her music...I grew up listening to her, and to Ella Fitzgerald...those women had incredible talent...Billie's music speaks to the immense pain she felt in her life...but so much of what she sang is just beautiful. So enjoy.The Man I Love ~ Billie HolidaySomeday he'll come along
The man I love
And he'll be big and strong
The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay
He'll look at me and smile
I'll understand
Then in a little while
He'll take my hand
And though it seems absurd
I know we both won't say a word
Maybe I shall meet him Sunday
Maybe Monday, maybe not
Still I'm sure to meet him one day
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day
He'll build a little home
That's meant for two
From which I'll never roam
Who would, would you
And so all else above
I'm dreaming of the man I love
It's In The Blood
Speaking (or rather, writing) of Kai being in the shop…I was almost late this morning getting her there. I missed my exit off the freeway. I was only one off and mostly it was because I needed the first exit but I always take the second one to get to work and I was in a holding pattern apparently…
…Ok so that’s only partially true…the exit part is totally true…but the real reason I missed my exit is because there were three flat bed semis carrying disassembled five ton wreckers…and I got distracted looking at the “prettys” as my niece used to say. Yeah it’s true…I missed my exit because I got distracted by army machinery…sigh…some of you know what I’m talking about.
As Miss Joan so perfectly described it…ya know…the resulting behavior of becoming Army By Proxy. It’s like, once you go army (or insert any other branch of the military) you can’t go back. It gets under your skin…almost into your blood.
It’s a love/hate relationship…the military and myself. I have no emotion toward the entity in and of itself. I accept it as just part of life…but the far-reaching effect it’s had on my life…well that’s the part it gets cloudy. I love my soldier…and I know that soldiering is in his blood (the same way firefighting is in mine) and it will always be an integral part of who he is.
It’s not like that for all of them…I know that…but for mine it is. He hates it, but he craves the structure and discipline it provides…he hates the deployment…but he excels under the pressure and restraints…I have soaked all that in…while I still maintain my own views and my own opinions…much of his attitude towards our country and his idea of patriotism has colored my world view…that’s actually something I am very thankful for.
It’s been a running debate for the last two years whether he will re-up at the end of his enlistment…only time will tell…the time comes in December. Part of me would love for him to transition into a civilian…but most of me knows that as G put it: It’s like a boxer that leaves the ring too early…he might survive, but the fight will hover right under the surface until he explodes…or the fire dies out…neither one is a welcome option.
So ok, I accepted years ago that the army would become a part of my life…in my conscious and unconscious mind…and now, I can’t imagine any other way.
Good News
I just got off the phone with Dad…Mamacita’s surgery went well and she recovered sufficiently to go home…that’s a huge relief. So hopefully her recovery will continue smoothly.
Kai is in the shop today too…hopefully nothing serious. I took her in for a service and safety…do ya’ll know how galling it is to have to pay a mechanic these days??? Oy!! Anyway, I am hoping they don’t find anything wrong with her (even though the transmission has been a bit off this week) I can’t really afford for anything major to be wrong…keeping fingers crossed.
Significant Song
Today's song holds more meaning to me than most...the night after Clark and I broke up last Memorial weekend (a year ago...not a month ago) I was attempting to drown my sorrow and confusion with more Malibu than I should have in my possession...and this song lodged itself in my brain. This wouldn't be odd (since I frequently cope through music) except that I can't recall having ever really listened to the words of it. Yes I had "heard" it a few assorted times...but never really listened and yet the words echoed so clearly in my thoughts...especially the part about "things you said that day, up on the 101...I could not erase it" ...Clark and I made that drive on the 101 up the coast of the entire bay... It was a beautiful day...we hiked up into the hills and so much of that song tells our story...the words resonate in my waking and frequently my sleeping thoughts as well...so here it is:A Sorta Fairytale ~ Tori AmosOn my way up north
Up on the ventura
I pulled back the hood
and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be
a life long thing
but I didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining
and I'm so sad
like a good book
Ican't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
(a sorta fairytale with you)
a sorta fairytale
with you
(aoh aoh)
Things you said that day
Up on the 101
'Bout a girl who'd come undone
I tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that-
you could take it
as long as I could
I could not erase it
and I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
and I ride along side
and I rode along side
you then
and I rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road
and I rode along side
till the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
I had to steal it
and I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
I could pick back up
whenever I feel
Down new mexico way
something about
the open road
I knew that he was
looking for some indian blood and
find a little in you find a little
in me. we may be
on this road but
We're just
impostors
in this country you know
So we go along and we said
we'd fake it
Feel better with
Oliver Stone
till I almost smacked him -
seemed right that night and
I don't know what
takes hold
out there in the
desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us
and I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this
day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
And I was ridin' by
ridin' along side
for a while till you lost me
and I was ridin' by
ridin' along till you lost me
till you lost me in
the rear view
you lost me I said
Way up north I took my babe
all in all was a pretty nice day and I put the hood
right back where
you could taste heaven perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and I, I don't
didn't think we'd end up like...
like this
Monday Military Ministration
I think as a way to get all my ideas down, and to keep working on the Survival Guide, I'm going to periodically post various entries from the book into this site. I'm am hoping htat at some point I get feedback from at least some of the readers I know I have. Please bear in mind that I wrote much of this as the deployment was actually going on...so please don't allow the tense to confuse you. It really was present tense when I wrote it...but no it isn't currently ;-)Ok, today's topic...letter writing:The first thing to remember during a deployment is to keep writing. I know it can be difficult to think of things that seem "appropriate" but don't worry about that. Write whatever you feel, think and experience. Yes it can seem tedious to write all the things you do in the course of your day and all the little insignificant things that happen.
But remember, our guys are grasping for anything that reminds them of home; anything that makes them feel closer to us and like they're part of a normal life somewhere. Yes it can be tough for them to hear how much we miss them...but if that's the emotion you feel then he needs to know. Not hearing those things really does cause insecurities to arise.
Your soldier needs to hear that you miss him, that you love him (if you two are at that stage) that all you want is for him to be home with you. But also tell him that you are surviving, that it sucks but you know you will both make it through this time.
My letters to Clark range from the mundane schedule of my work life, to the bone-headed things I do and the trouble I get into, to family life, to the letter where all I do is tell him how much I miss him and love him and need him here with me. I write what I feel; sometimes he gets happy letters and sometimes they're the ones where I think the world is falling out from under me. I am blessed that we have such an open relationship that we talk about everything under the sun and yet silence is comfortable too.
It really helps that where he is, he gets to call me every four days but sometimes that's tougher because I know where he is and what he's experiencing. And he does the same with me, some days he's happy and goofy and ornery on the phone and some days I know he's just barely holding it all together. But we both tell each other that it's worth all the drama and struggle to eventually be together and reassure one another that it's something we would both do over again in a heartbeat and that each of us needs the other just as much.
Some days are easier than others to get through. I won't lie and say that it gets easier but I'll tell you that once you get into a communication pattern (whatever that may be) it does get less dramatic to be so separated. There are days when I have to force myself not to cry while I'm talking to Clark and he has days like that too; but we both know that and make sure the other person knows too.
Long-distance relationships are tough; one's like this (where a deployment is involved) are even tougher. But hang in there. If you love your soldier then it's all worth it. I know that making it through this deployment means that Clark and I can make it through anything and that makes it bearable. Just let your soldier know how you honestly feel about him, regardless of whether you feel silly or someone else tells you it's inappropriate or whatever the case may be.
You know your soldier...don't let anyone else tell you how to talk to him. You know what he needs to hear from you...go with that. I hope that some of what I’ve written will maybe help some of you feel a little better about writing. And send those old letters if you want...all mail is appreciated and treasured over there regardless of how you felt sending it. Hang in there is will all be over in time and you will have your soldier back and your life can return to some sense of normalcy.
Busy, Busy
This weekend was busy as usual…nothing too exciting or out of the ordinary. Mamacita has a job interview today so I took her to Mecca to get make-up…ooh and for the record, MAC has some fabulous new palettes coming out July 15th!! And the brush collections…fantastic! Ok that’s the end of the commercial…MAC just makes me happy. Anyway, we got Mamacita some great clothes for her interview and some for just regular teaching days. It was fun…I know she likes having my eye for color and looks available for advice.
Saturday was family BBQ day…it happens about twice a month…either we go to Napa or my aunt and her boys come up our way…soon I’ll get to host Family BBQ in my own place!! Yay! That makes me happy too.
Hey, look, it appears that I am in a good mood without realizing it. Not that I was in a bad mood, I guess I just didn’t stop to think about it… and with my serious lack of sleep the last week or so, it’s a wonder I am functioning at all. But that’s ok, as Nikka says: “You can choose the rain, but I choose the sun...that's all I need to free myself”
Enlightenment and Education
When I was a kid, my mom had two favorite quotations concerning education:**Thanks to Christine for helping me out!!**1) "Educate a man and you educate an individual; educate a woman and you educate an entire family." ~Dr. Charles McIver
2) Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously." ~Gilbert K. ChestertonI was perusing my favorite blog this morning and I came across a post that caught my attention. The fabulous Miss Joan wrote about the youngsters that run rampant on all of our college campuses. You know the ones I mean…the perfectly dressed, just out of high school, immature little kids who all think they know everything and they make you feel old and a bit worried about future generations.
Now I’m not that old…I’m only 24 and I don’t pretend even for a second that I have all the answers…in fact, I’ll be the first one to tell you that half the time, I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about…but I can make it sound damn convincing if I want to. Anyway, while I was reading Joan’s post, I thought about the five years I spent in college…well six if you count that I was taking college classes my senior year of high school because I didn’t like the high school electives offered.
When I started out, I knew that I was smart, I knew enough about the subjects I was taking to at least ask intelligent questions and even participate in the class discussions…if you could call them discussions…I couldn’t believe the imbeciles I was subjected to. Now I have gone to private schools and I have gone to public schools, and if you pick your classes carefully, I believe you can get an equal education in either place. But that also means that there are idiots everywhere…and it seemed that most of them were in which ever classes I enrolled in.
My first semester of college (after high school) I went to a community college in Sacramento. I took three history classes, two sociology classes and physical anthropology. Final score: I got kicked out of class twice for asking probing questions and asking that the other students who wished to vocalize their opinions at least read the material first before wasting my time. I was always polite about it, but I was apparently too aggressive or something by asking that everyone have some basic understanding of the subject matter they wished to debate.
My favorite though was getting kicked out of Physical Anthropology for getting the other students to ask probing questions about evolution that the professor couldn’t answer…I guess it was a defiance of authority to ask questions he didn’t know the answer to…I don’t know for sure as he never answered my own inquiries about the subject. (I guess I always have been a, rabble rouser of sorts)
I was a history major…that means lots of seminar and discussion classes. Usually history professors (many sociology profs as well) are disturbingly awake early in the morning…I am a complete night owl and somehow I always ended up with early discussion classes…the worst was a 7 am seminar on the Philosophy of History…it was awful…no one can articulately discuss historians and their respective philosophies that early in the morning…but we all know that already…and yet there were always at least two of the little teeny-boppers in every class who insisted on complaining about it each and every class period.
Has anyone ever noticed how these little twerps always come in pairs, as if they would drop dead before they would be seen going to class alone…and they’re rarely on time (now anyone who knows me knows that I am very time challenged…but when others are waiting on me, I do everything in my power to be on time...I don’t like to waste other people’s time.)and when they do come to class it’s never quietly…rather it is an entire production and the strutting and posturing for the benefit of…well whomever is unfortunate enough to be within earshot.
I distinctly remember one midterm in a World Civ. class…it was in essay form (of course) and the prof had prepared the class for at least a full week before hand…the man practically spoon-fed us the answers he was going to want (this prof was cool though and always left room for independent thought) and without fail, part way through the test one girl, in a fashion very reminiscent of Cher Horowitz, raises her hand and says, “But Mr. G. this test is like way hard and stuff!! What if I like fully don’t know the answers? Can I like ask someone else?” Are you kidding me?? It’s a college midterm!! Not show-and-tell time at Romper Room!!! I paid a lot of money to be in that class…I do not want my time wasted.
As you can tell my bullshit tolerance is so ridiculously low that I can’t fathom the idea of going back to school right now. I dropped out because of the money, not because I got tired of learning…but after a full day of attorneys, the idea of sitting in a room full of idiotic teenyboppers is nauseating.
Now they’re not all bad, far from it, there are very intelligent and even sophisticated 18 year olds out there, I am privileged to know some, but they go unrecognized for that very reason…they are in college for the right reasons and they want to get the most out of their experience…just like the rest of us old people. ;-)On the topic of enlightenment...I was reading the news headlines and was surprised to learn how uneducated I am...that or Tom Cruise is seriously unhinged...it's a toss-up, but I'd prefer to think that it's him and not me...otherwise I wasted a lot of money on my education when I could have just joined a cult... read it for yourselves. So, what do ya'll think? I personally think that his antics are starting to border on Frued's theory that women are just flawed men...can't wait to se what Cruise comes up with next.
Late Night Literature
I finally have few spare minutes to read now that my insomnia has returned. Ok, it’s not that bad, I do sleep and without the aid of sleeping pills…but my sleep is often interrupted and always fitful. I hate it, but what can I do? I know why I can’t sleep…well I have a pretty good guess anyway…when Clark doesn’t sleep, I don’t sleep. It sucks and really it makes no sense, but there it is…at least if I don’t sleep and it’s on me, then Clark sleeps fitfully too.
At any rate, I digress…yes I realize that is the reason half of you read this in the first place: just to see how random I am each day. So, right now I am reading three books…yeah I know, I know…but I don’t have ADD I swear, I just always read more than one book at a time. Anyway, I am currently reading Diary by Chuck Palahniuk and Deliver Us From Evil by Sean Hannity. (G-ma bought it for me) I am also reading a book about the legal intent of the Constitution...and when that gets boring...or I need comparison, I pick up The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli. I have read it numerous times but I find it fascinating every time. Ok so I'm not actually going to bore you with a history lesson, but what do you expect? I was Pre-Law/History for five years with a triple minor in Sociology, Psychology and Renaissance Government and the impact on Modern Democracy. Yeah it's a mouthful...but it gave me a good reason to learn Latin...now if only I had taken the time to learn Greek...yes I am weird...thanks for loving me anyway, ya'll.
This one goes out...
...to the one I love. This one goes out to the one I left behind..." Anyone recognize that song? It just now popped into my head. So ok I'm doing thing a bit backwards today...all morning I've known what song I was gonna use. TG woke me up this morning, I would have been annoyed except I have been needing to talk to her for days and days...so anyway here is today's song...it will make the first line make sense.Make Up Your Mind ~ Theory of a DeadmanMake up your mind
And I'll make up mine.
Don't worry about me
I'll be fine.
Those words that you said to me
Why wasn't I listening?
I wish Ihadn't met you at all.
I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning.
We'll wake up, we'll make up
And do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up
And do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up
Losing both of our minds
So wake up, lets make up
And do this for the last time.
Make up your mind
And I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me
I'll be fine (I'll be fine)
The last time you yelled at me
I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all
I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up
And do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up
And do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up
Losing both of our minds
So wake up, lets make up
And do this for the last time
When will we make up?
Will we break up?
lets wake up, lets wake up, lets wake up
Yeah
Make up your mind
And I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me
I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me
Why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you all
I started thinking
We'll wake up, We'll make up
And do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up
And do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up
Losing both of our minds
So wake up, lets make up
And do this for the last time (2X)
Lets wake up, lets make up
And do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up
Losing both of our minds
Lets wake up, lets make up
Ever Felt Like...
...Leaving? Just cutting bait and running?? I'm having one of those afternoons...I'd like to just take off and go...but alas work and bills and all the other grown-up responsibilities have me tied down... On the plus side, I have weighed the options and I realize that I want my own apartment and to keep my car and to have all the things I currently have more than I desire to take off and leave it all behind...it's a close call some days...today is almost one of them...but I can see the future clearly enough right now to not jeopardize all I have worked for...So here we go...The Good Kind ~ The Wreckers (AKA: Jessica Harp and Michelle Branch)"Do you wanna run away together?"
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it
And I walked alone
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
You forced me to become strong
When I just cried, being weak
And you think you know
And I would like to think so
But do you know that when you go
I fall apart
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
No, you're not the good kind
I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes
I'm tired of this smile that even I don't recognize
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
No, you're not the good kind
Do you know I cry?
A Glimpse of Sun
I finally saw a sliver of light through the clouds that surrounded my existence yesterday. Seeing as it was Wednesday, I had Fire Cadets...I wasn't looking forward to it...nothing to do with the kids, but I had a massive migraine and the three vin-vin I had taken already hadn't even touched it...needless to say it was a challenge to put on a happy face. When I got to the station...I was twenty minutes early...I saw my older brother and some of the other firefighters that I went to high school with all standing around with my cadets...no big deal, except that my least favorite one (if you need a refresher read this: Peek Into the Past) was with my kids as well.
Great, I'm tired, cranky and in pain and I get to deal with him and of course I have to pretend like it doesn't bother me to deal with him...see I'm not "that" girl...you know, the drama queen who pitches a fit everytime something happens that she doesn't like. So I act like a grown-up...I'm not friendly toward him, but I know how to be civil...my mama raised me right. First Daniel came over to talk to me...and after I talked to him, I went to see my dad...I needed to know what I was coming up against today...and could I handle the drama??
Then I steeled myself to be professional and see to the best interests of my kids. Here's what I'm talking about: Some People's Kids. After I wrote that post I talked to JD...for the record, he is the only one I approached about this problem besides my father...I decided after talking to JD that I should just bide my time until the climate was a bit more open...
Well apparently JD had a talk with the guy (let's call him Michael...oh come on, ya'll know that mine is the only real name on here) because yesterday he was all kinds of sweetiness and light. Michael is usually polite to me...he has to be, I have more friends in that department than he does. But yesterday he was downright deferential...I was shocked!! He asked me if I would be willing to allow my cadets to work on the 4th and whether I would be willing to head up the operations team that morning since I know far more about it than he does...yes sports fans, he actually admitted that I know more than he does on this area! But wait, there is more...he voluteered his staff to do whatever I needed them to do. I was shocked!! Of course none of that registered on my face...I am a damn good poker player after all.
We're not done yet...then he asked me how much money their Association usually gives my kids for helping out...apparently no one would tell him or no one actually knew the amount...either way he asked me and I told him...he said he would double it. I made him clarify (in Daniel's presence of course) that we would indeed get that much and that as far as my cadets are concerned, it is my show to run. He agreed...plain and simple.
So I guess it pays to have people in power on my side...for the record, JD would have done this for me long before our current ordeal started which is the only reason I asked him this time around. So I got what I wanted from Michael and the Association and I kept all of my dignity...not that I should be surprised, but I am glad that my kids don't have to suffer for my past.
There is sun behind the clouds after all...
Behind These Hazel Eyes
I love today's song...I used to rock it in the car over and over...so loud you could hear it from down the street...now I sing it just for fun...but it's directly in my vocal range so I love singing all of Kelly Clarkson's songs.Behind These Hazel Eyes ~ Kelly ClarksonSeems like just yesterday, you were a part of me I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleepI’m barely hanging on Here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes I told you everything, opened up and let you in You made me feel alright, for once in my life Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleepI’m barely hanging on Here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes Swallow me, then spit me out For hating you, I blame myself Seeing you, it kills me now No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore AnymoreHere I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cryBehind these hazel eyes Here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cryBehind these hazel eyes
I'm FINE
Ok, so I'm in a military frame of mind today for some reason...I can't really figure it out, though I will readily admit that I'm not really attempting to analyze it in the first place. So, to make use of this time here is an excerpt of some of the writing I've done for the Survival Guide my friend and I have been working on periodically. This passage is about the insecurities that rear their ugly heads during a deployment. If any one has comments, they are appreciated...yes that is a shameless plea for someone (anyone) to acknowledge that they are hanging around reading what I write. ;-)Insecurity is an issue that everyone faces at some point; and unfortunately deployments bring out the deepest fears and insecurities in the toughest people without fail. It can be especially unsettling if your soldier isn’t usually insecure. Clark and I always joked that his theme song (come on, you all know you have one…it’s in the back of your head somewhere...I'll admit mine...it's Everybody Got Their Something) is Cocky by Kid Rock. Like most born soldiers, Clark is incredibly self-assured and downright cocky. “It ain’t braggin’ if you back it up” is the attitude; it’s an aura of authority and absolutely no fear. They can take on the world, after all they are off to the other side of the globe to fight injustice and to be your own personal Superman.
Then, the time comes, usually about a week before your soldier is scheduled to leave the States, and seemingly out of nowhere everything feels like its been turned upside down. I’ve talked to several soldiers who have returned from deployments and the scenario is always the same. Sometimes they are told by their superiors that the should expect their significant others, be it wives or girlfriends, to cheat on them or at the very least leave them with “dear John” letters while they are still overseas. For some soldiers, it’s just an insecurity in themselves. Whatever the reason is and where ever it originates, it will factor into a major part of your pre-deployment relationship.
It may manifest in a variety of ways. For me, it came in the form of frequent fights, where there hadn’t been any previously. Here’s one example from my personal experience:
Clark was originally scheduled to leave May 13th to go to Kuwait from WA. (He ended up leaving the 18th...but we didn't know he'd be delayed until after all the drama) the weekend before he was supposed to leave I flew down to San Diego and LA to visit my best friends since Clark was back in WA already. We talked throughout the weekend and everything was fine...he was nervous about going overseas...but everything was ok. Then I went to LA on the 12th...I stayed with my old roommate that I hadn't seen in forever and it would have been all good except Clark had a meltdown that night. I was drinking and Karaoke-ing with my friends in LA and he was drinking into oblivion with his platoon in WA. He called while I was at the bar and was all upset and started talking about dying and not coming back from the sandbox and how I was better before him...on and on...and then he tried to pick a fight with me so that i would get mad and hang-up on him. (We established early on the hanging up is not the way to solve problems and promised not to do that.) I told him that neither of us was sober enough to discuss anything this serious right now and I refused to fight with him. He tried to make me mad because he figured if we were fighting or not speaking or even broken up that the upcoming separation would be easier.
Fortunately, I was able to convince him to wait until the next morning to make any decisions...and since we did make it through the deployment...he did come around. But it was tough...Once he was in Kuwait he tried at one point to convince me that he wasn't worth waiting for and that I shouldn't have to put up with this deployment and everything that goes with it. I had to remind him repeatedly that I'm stronger than I appear and I need him in my life as much as he needs me...no matter what life throws at us. Yes I did hate that he was deployed...but if I had it to do over, I would make all the same decisions.
Deployment isn't as bad as the thought of not having Clark as a part of my life. It did take time for him to adjust...especially since he felt that being in a relationship means that it's not just himself involved. Clark actually apologized to me for bringing me into this...at that point I told him that I was a grown-up. I hadn't been kidnapped or brain-washed and I chose to be with him the same way he chose to be with me...there was nothing to apologize for. After a while, it finally sunk in, but on particularly low day, I still had to remind him. Most of them freak out and try to distance themselves at some point as deployments draw near.
Once they are gone, emotions will continue to run high and they may shift without even a moment’s notice. Clark and I tried to talk about all the things each of us was feeling even if we didn’t think the other person wanted to hear it. He was usually pretty open with me, but we had a code word for when something was up. If one of us said the phrase, “I’m fine” that was a red flag for a bigger problem. At one point early on, I asked him if he knew what “FINE” stood for. It’s been said the FINE is really an acronym:
F- freaked out
I- insecure
N- neurotic
E- emotional
And usually when someone uses the word it’s either to get people to not question further, or it’s the politically correct answer to use. Rarely are people “fine” when they claim to be. So, with that thought in mind, either of us uttering that phrase signaled a long discussion about what was really going on or at the very least a promise of a letter or email that would explain it all...Stay tuned...there is soo much more where that came from. Maybe eventually I'll be able to illicit a response from ya'll.
Scrapping Old Memories
Last night I went on a little trip down memory lane…I was really missing Clark. Nothing specific…I just missed his presence. So, I did something I haven’t done in months and months…I dug out the scrapbook I made of his deployment. I’m not all into scrapbooking, I don’t have the attention span for it…but I had a lot of fun making his.
The book isn’t done yet…it may never be, I don’t know. I still have a couple hundred photos to put in and there are still thousands saved on his laptop that I haven’t gotten a hold of. Putting that book together was good therapy for me (and for TG). We used to work on them together lat at night…and there was a huge time crunch toward the end of the deployment since we each wanted to have a presentable (though unfinished) book to show the guys.
Clark loved his…I told him he couldn’t have it until I was done…that was also an excuse to keep it safe until I know that no one else will get a hold of it. We both know it is something he’s going to want years down the road. I know it sounds all sinister or at least cynical that I don’t trust Clark with his own book; but that truly is characteristic of the instability of his life as we know it.
Anyway, that book has some (most) of my favorite pictures of Clark, his guys, the area he lived in while deployed, his home base, and some of us. I also put in every letter, card, and written thing he has ever given me. I hadn’t read those letters in almost a year…it brought back some really strong emotions and memories. Those words got me through a lot of tough times that year…I know you military girlfriends and wives out there are feelin’ me on this.
I used to read those letters every night…sometimes twice if I was scared or felt like he was too far away. Clark knew how to write in a way that touched my heart. With me, his tough guy façade faded away and the real Clark would come out…he was sweet and understanding and even compassionate…but shhh…don’t tell…hehehe…he’d just die if anyone knew that he isn’t actually an asshole.
It was good for me to remember the good times and to remember that even with all of that distance and the awful way we were thrown into the whole mess, we made it through…and we were really strong…in some ways we still are…
I would give anything in my power to get rid of the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that plagues him day in and day out…he still hasn’t returned to a normal civilian life…they tell him now that he may never…that it will still be years before he adjusts back into regular society completely…if he ever does.
I don’t blame anyone for it…I could get angry…but at whom? I don’t blame our government…I don’t blame the Army either. They are just inanimate entities anyway…it’s not as though they act with the intent of ruining people’s lives. I know some will disagree with that statement…and that’s ok with me. I am saddened that it is my life and Clark’s life that were shattered with the fallout of war…but I understand that it is a reality of humanity. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else…but I have to believe that it’s all for a bigger purpose in the end.
I could be angry that the love of my life was taken from me for a year just when we were getting settled into our relationship…I could be angry that the man who was “taken” from me was “returned” as someone so different…but I’m not. Yes, Clark is a different man now then he was then…some of that is good, some is downright awful…but the truth is, I’m not the same woman I was when he left either. I wouldn’t give back the strength and resilience I cultivated during those long hard months.
So ok, that’s how life goes, you take the bad with the good and you try to make sense of it and sometimes you have to take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there are others going through the same thing and if you look, you can find healing and happiness in whatever life throws at you.
I know that someday it will all work itself out…I have nothing but respect for the men and women who have been, are currently, or will be deployed and the ones back home who love them unconditionally.
To the women I have gotten to know through this experience: Rie, Joan, Amanda, Christine, Jen, and so many more…you are all incredible, loving, strong women and I thank you for everything you’ve done in my own life. Love ya’ll!!!
Yep, yep
Ok so it probably doesn't take much thought to figure out one of the many things that is distracting my brain today...sigh...one thing at a time right? Ok I'm trying, I'll let ya'll know if I make it through this day. ;-) I know I'll get there...Anyway, today's song...I watched part of Coyote Ugly this weekend and it made me think of this song:But I Do Love You ~ LeAnn RimesI don't like to be alone at night
And I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right
And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
But I do love you
But I do love you
I don't like to see the sky painted grey
And I don't like when, nothing's going my way
And I don't like to be the one with the blues
But I do love you
But I do love you
Love everything about the way you're loving me
The way you lay your head upon my shoulder when you sleep
And I love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do, oh I do
And I don't like to turn the radio on
Just to find I missed my favorite song
And I don't like to be the last with the news
But I do love you
But I do love you
Love everything about the way you're loving me
The way you lay your head upon my shoulder when you sleep
And I love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do, oh I do
I don't like to be alone in the night and
I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right
And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
But I do love you
But I do love you
But I do love you
But I do love you
Strong...and Growing
As my life spins around and flirts with the edge of disaster on a weekly basis these days, I find myself more and more drawn to church each week. I'm not really big on traditional church...I was raised in one and I never felt truly accepted or understood...I used to go to Mexico for a month each summer to teach because it was only there that I felt like I was growing and giving back.All that changed when I moved to San Diego...I found a new kind of church...one based on fellowship and community rather than ceremony and legalism. I was on the ground floor of operations...it was an incredible experience, and I learned a lot about what I believe and what I want my life to be.Anyway, my mentor now has a church in the Temecula Valley...it's awesome and it's growing like crazy. Once I moved back up here, there was some massive drama that led to one of my pastors starting another church...much like my mentor's. So, I actually enjoy going and I feel like I am learning and stretching myself and I love it!! Saturday night, he talked about Unconditional Love...it was so good...it was something I needed to be reminded of...not how to show unconditional love, but rather that me having unconditional love is the correct response for some difficult situations. It was a good reminder that I am in the right place, doing the right thing...it's discouraging sometimes...I don't need anyone's approval per se...but it's nice to remember that life will work out the way it's supposed to whether I understand it or not.
Oy!!!
Ah, the stress of it all...I am seriously freaking out about finishing my resume. Well, ok, my resume has been done and pretty up to date for quite some time...but it's the cover letter I always struggle with. I am no good at it. Selling myself isn't my forte by any strech of the imagination. It is my belief that my work and resume should speak for itself...for this particular company, they want a resume, an application and a cover letter, and that is just to get you through the door...oh, did I mention that the door is by invitation only to begin with?? That means that in order to even have the chance to be considered (that's a lot of qualifiers, people) someone has to have already seen (or just know) that you do good work.I went there yesterday to talk to my friend (read: contact) and may I just say, that was the most imposing building I have walked into in a very long time...if Miss Jess hadn't been with me, I probably wouldn't have gone in; I don't usually get intimidated...but i did there. I don't mean to make it sound bad, I really would like to work there, it's just scary.And, since they are expecting my resume/application today, there is great pressure to finish this cover letter. Oy...my stomach is in knots...as if all the apartment hooplah wasn't enough stress to my little system...Thank God for Percocet...sigh...relax kids...I am always careful.Ok, off I go...
Time to Breathe
Howdy all…Happy Tuesday. I took yesterday off…not just from writing, but from work as well. Miss Jess was still here and we had a million and one things to do. She left this morning and for the first time neither one of us had to feel sad…we’re moving in six weeks!!!!!
The exciting part is that we picked an apartment complex…we know where we are going to live now and it only took us freakin’ forever to figure it all out. Hehehe. Anyway, the place is gorgeous…and we can have Tiny dog. That is a definite bonus for me; I wasn’t looking forward to leaving my dog behind…yet again. Who would have thought a 6 pound dog would be so much trouble? Eh, I love my little dog…
Now we are on the waiting list…we want a first or second floor…I do not want a third floor walkup… no thanks. My lupus would go crazy…and let’s face it…no one wants to take Tiny out to pee at midnight when you have to walk six flights of stairs by the time it’s said and done…nope…it’s nice to be in a position to be a little picky…not a lot picky, but just enough. So now they just need to call us.
I am so exhausted emotionally and physically after the last week. There was drama on every front…and most sides as well. ;-) It’s just been a long roller coaster of a ride…between Clark, JD, Miss Jess, my dumb big brother, work, Miss H, Jean’s party (which was a blast, by the way), house hunting, oy…it makes me exhausted to even think about it.
There were good times, great times, and downright lame ass times…I am glad we had this weekend, but I’m also really glad that it’s over now. Sigh…time to breathe…
Happy Friday Ya'll
This has been one hell of a long week...ups and downs abound! But, it is finally Friday, so I'm in a pretty good mood. This should be a busy weekend so we'll see how I'm feeling by Monday. Everybody stay safe this weekend...it's gonna be gorgeous here in Cali.Here's today's song...I really like it and I can relate (even when I try to convince myself it's not the case) and I felt like it was apropos for the events of the week. Nothin' 'Bout Love Makes Sense ~ LeAnn RimesLike a cloud full of rain shouldn't hang in the sky
Ice shouldn't burn or a bumble bee fly
If you feel so happy, then why do you cry
Oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense
Like an ocean liner shouldn't float on the sea
A pearl in an oyster or a circus of fleas
Someone so perfect can't be fallin' for me
Oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense
[chorus]
Nothin' 'bout love is less than confusin'
You can win when you're losin'
Stand when you're fallin'
I can't figure it out
Nothin' 'bout love can make an equation
Nothin' short of amazin'
Wish I could explain it
But I don't know how
The way that we dance
The reason we dream
That big Italian tower
Oh, how does it lean
Something so strong shouldn't make me this weak
Oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense
[chorus]
Like the lights of Las Vegas glowin' out of the sand
A jumbo shrimp or a baby grand
How you touch my heart when you're holdin' my hand
Oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense
Oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense
Oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense
No, no, no, oh it don't make sense
