Musings of an Empress: May 2005

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Make Mine Music

I'm in a really good place today...emotionally and mentally I mean...no I'm not on vacation...actually the opposite is true, we are busy today...and when that happens, I tend to put on a long mix of music so that I don't have to exert the energy to decide what songs I want to listen to...so it just so happens that I stumbled across one of my very favorite love songs...one that very few of you have probably ever heard...which in and of itself is a feat since so many of you are music connoisseurs... anyway, this song is by a now defunct group from N. Cali called Thirst. Their lead singer, Mike Comfortis still in the music business and hopefully he'll make it into the spotlight soon, he's more talented than many I have heard. So here it is:

Pledge ~ Thirst

if only I could
believe that I do deserve
something this good
then I could relax and be myself
because if I fall any harder
I would break in two and wish the other half
was you

and no way
sometimes I cannot believe my own eyes
you're beautiful
like nothing that I've ever seen in this life
and only once
can anyone touch you so deep inside
like you did
like you did
like you did

for you I pledge
that anyhing you want is yours
and I will be
the one who loves you more and more
when you laugh
I cherish your breath on my face
when you cry
I'll taste your tears that fall like rain

and no way
sometimes I cannot believe my own eyes
you're beautiful
like nothing that I've ever seen in this life
and only once
can anyone touch you so deep inside
like you did
like you did
like you did

from that first moment that I felt like I
was losing my self control
and thinking that I'd like to try to learn
life so good

and no way
sometimes I cannot believe my own eyes
you're beautiful
like nothing that I've ever seen in this life
and only once
can anyone touch you so deep inside
like you did
like you did
like you did

It's Over...

I survived!! Maybe the cycle is broken…perhaps Memorial Day will no longer hold such awful tidings…the memories will remain…but even those are fading with time…

I decided that this year I would lay low on Memorial Day…I didn’t answer the phone, text messages, nothing…I posted to this site, but I didn’t even return emails...I played the part of the ostrich with its head in the sand (didn't I read somewhere that ostriches don't actually do this? Anyone have an answer??) Anyway, I cut myself off from the world, and by doing so, I stayed sober!

I decided that since I was ignoring the world I could at least remember the reason for the day…so I watched a couple different History Channel programs on our military…

I also had a horrific migraine for about 36 hours…no fun…so laying low was almost inevitable anyway…but on the plus side…I didn’t wake up to any terrible or cruel messages, phone calls or visits. That is most definitely an improvement over last year…

But today is better, the sun is out, it's hot even ('bout damn time!!) and I am feeling alright with the world...today is a good day...

Monday, May 30, 2005

It's Been a Whole Year

It's been a year today from being an "East Stockton Bitch" it's been a crazy ride, and I've grown a lot...I've had some setbacks and I've climbed some mountains...in all, I'm proud of where I am and where I've come from...

...in the hopes that someday Clark will find himself...and as a reminder to myself of who I am, where I've been and where I'm heading...

Have a wonderful Memorial Day, ya'll....and Father...keep Shane and his boys safe...

Beautiful Disaster ~ Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
If I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right, it just ain't right

[chorus]
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight, hold on tight

[chorus]
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
So long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

[chorus]
Oh 'cause I don't know
Don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
Oh oh...beautiful
Oh oh...beautiful disaster

A Rocky Start

Just when I thought it would be safe to come out…ok so actually that’s backwards. My weekend started out a lot more dramatic than it is now…of course it would be…it’s almost time to start the next week…So, here goes…

On Friday afternoon, JD called me when I was still at work. He had some lame excuse about wanting to check on G…bear in mind he already knew all that information as I had updated him that day…but whatever, I guess any excuse is better than none at all…especially since we’re not supposed to be anything other than friends.

I love the man dearly but JD c’mon!! You’re still married!!! We’re friends, and I’m glad for that…it’s starting to get to be a lot of drama…I don’t know how many times we are going to have to have these “why we can’t be together” conversations and it turned into an hour and a half ordeal…sigh…I miss the times when life was more simple…

I am almost used to JD’s behavior by now…but he said something that kind of hurt my feelings…We got into a discussion about birth order and how it influences a person’s development…as in, I’m a first born, so by definition I’m: loud, bossy, stubborn, mature, and a perfectionist…and did I mention I’m always right?

I accused JD of being a youngest child because of his behavior and he told me that I was dead wrong…he, in fact, is a middle child…which actually explains a hell of a lot more, come to think of it…so in the midst of this argument (and him trying to wrack my brain for insight into the birth order issue since I was a psych minor) he tells me that growing up he always had to be the grown-up and that has continued into his adult life…and why is it that we wouldn’t work out…after all…isn’t he entitled to at least one mid-life crisis…yeah kids…he really actually said that…he fuckin’ called me a mid-life crisis!!! Can you believe it? Oy!! As if that’s all this is actually about…if that were the case…he’d have moved on long ago…probably after I told him no the first time…

Yeah I know that guys like a challenge…blah, blah, blah…but this is deeper than that…when I called his out over it, he apologized and said that it’s not what he meant…but still, he said it…

Anyway, I feel like a broken record so often when we talk…I have to say the same things over and over again…all the time wondering when it will sink in and I can put my guard back down where it belongs…I hate having to guard my words, my actions, even my inflection…and I most certainly hate that I don’t even get to be friends with him anymore…I do feel bad that he can’t just talk about this with his good friends…he works with my dad, remember? And even if he didn’t…it’s not like his married friends are gonna support him…so what’s he gonna do? Tell his family? I think not…tell his wife? Oh there’s a good idea! So he’s all alone in this…but that shouldn’t have to be my fault or my problem…sigh…

He was waiting at my exit off the freeway Friday night…but I didn’t stop…I told him I wouldn’t and so far I’m living up to my word…it gets harder each time…I care less and less about “doing the right thing” everytime he’s in front of me…so I guess I should be grateful for my will power…and in a twisted way, I guess I’m thankful to Clark that he cheated on me…now that I know down to my core exactly what that feels like…there is no way in Hell I could ever inflict that pain on any one else…so I will stay strong and I will continue to wonder what if he’d never said anything at all…

When Dreams and Nightmares Collide

My next post will be the current drama and twisting facets of my friendship with JD...wich I suppose is a bit unfair since for many of you that means you have to start in the middle...believe me this whole relationship is confusing enough, and I have been in it since the beginning...

So a little explanation on my twisted and confusing relationship with JD since so many of you have asked. JD is a friend of mine…he’s quite a bit older than me…and he works with my dad he works in the same fire department as my dad and while they work different days sometimes they do work together and he is really my dad's protege in a lot of ways.... I've had a mad crush on him for literally like nine years, but it’s no big deal...we're friends...

I told my sister the night I met JD (I was 15 or 16) that he was exactly what I wanted…her response: “Exactly what you want?” and I said, “well…not entirely, after all he’s married…but one just like him would be great.”

I found out on Valentine’s Day (way too apropos to actually be funny) that it's not all in my head...everything I've always felt and said...apparently he feels it too...here's the problem...he's still married...yeah that is more than enough to stop both of us (or at least I always thought it was)...it's like he said all the things that you're not supposed to say out loud because he's the one who is married...though he hasn't had his ring on the last few times I've seen him and he always used to wear it...so not the point.

He's not supposed to say those things in his out loud voice!! Oy!! makes things so much harder....sigh...and once he said it he didn't balk or take it back or anything like that...the opposite actually, he owned it! And I don't know what brought on his saying all that he did...I know he is under sooo much stress right now...but the way he said it mean that it's not new that he feels like this...so maybe its just the stress caused him to say it out loud, or maybe he and his wife are having problems...I don't know...i don't know where it came from...sigh… and honestly it doesn’t matter...I WON’T do anything at all as long as he's married... that's not the kind of people we are...

It used to be a running joke amongst my friends that if JD weren’t married he and I would be together…despite our age difference and the scandal that it would cause. Never did I dream that it would be the actual truth…I mean, at least if it was in my head I could pretend it didn’t exist…I got really good at denying that I thought of him as anything other than a friend…

Now you’d thing that it would have stopped there…of course it didn’t because nothing in my life goes down the “easy” way…

A couple of weeks later… he called me around 8 a.m. and we talked for a while and then he said "so, what if i told you that I'm on your exit?” …I was completely in shock...and he was like "I really want to see you Jenn...I do better with you in person..." (apparently I make him nervous in the phone)

So I aked him what it was that he wanted to do… (In my head, I’m thinking… I’m so not presentable yet…I don’t want anyone to see me like that)

He just kept telling me that he didn't care about anything else, he wanted to see me...and then he asked me whether he should turn onto my street or just keep driving...ok I'm not even dressed yet...there is no way in hell I’ma let him see me!!! (ok so I was in track pants and a tank top) so i told him that maybe for today it was better to keep driving and we'd figure out something else...

He didn't like that answer…of course he didn’t… he kept saying that he just needed to see me, to talk to me in person...all that shit that men say to try to con girls into doing what they want...so I told him that there was a Starbucks about 15 min away and I would meet him there in 25min...so i got up and put makeup on and tried to be presentable...but definitely not cute because i knew what kind of talk I was gonna have to have and that I was going to have to resist doing anything inappropriate (unlike him, I remembered that he’s still married)

I was fully flipping out and I called Miss Jess and she and I talked out all the possible scenarios as I got ready...the hard part was that I knew what I had to say but part of me didn’t want didn't want to…after all, I've been feining for this man for the last several years…

Anyway, when I got near there he called my cell and told me to follow him to somewhere less crowded…(no I’m really not as naïve as it’s making me sound…rather, I knew that for myself I HAD to see him face to face and be albe to diffuse the situation…) At this point I'm thinking...if you're going to these extremes to not be seen with me then obviously this isn’t a very good idea…

So anyway we end up in an abandoned pool lot...yeah i know it just sounds bad and seedy...I'm cringing now to see it on paper...eek!! (I swear I’m really not that ghetto… “no Clark I don’t wanna be serviced in the driveway…I’m not a car!!”)

Ok so we park and I went and sat in his car (yeah, yeah, I know another dumb move by an otherwise intelligent girl)...anyway, he wrapped me in this huge hug...and may I just say, I don't hug my friends like that...most especially not the married ones… when i first got in the car he charged me with having to be the responsible adult in the situation because he wasn’t going to be...so ok I will do it...just make sure you know what you’re saying…

so then I made him let go and we started talking...and I asked him point-blank what was going on and he said first: nothing...then he said we were just talking and then he said he didn’t know he just needed me there with him...oy!! Then he pulled me into his arms again...and believe me, I most certainly didn’t want to pull away...he tried to get me to flip around and sit in his lap (I’m not actually that dumb)...but I wouldn't ‘cause I knew it wouldn’t stop there and I wouldn't be able to keep myself from kissing him...at the very least....and so I told him no...

So i got back onto my side of the car and we started talking about why this couldn't happen and i spent a really long time trying to explain to him that “no, it’s not one-sided...I want him more than i can say...but I can't have him...there are more people involved than the two of us...and that no matter how much we pretend...it won't change anything”

...he wasn't listening to me at all...what followed was the most uncomfortable conversation of my life!!! I had to tell him exactly how much I have always wanted him and why… and the whole time he was holding my hands and stroking my arm...sigh...

I tried three times to leave and he kept asking me to stay so I did and then i finally realized i was totally losing my resolve...so I told him that absolutely i had to get out of the car because if I didn't I just wasn’t going to...and eventually we would each have to go back to our separate realities...so i got up and opened the door and stood up and his response was, “ok you can go, but I want to hug you again and so I told him he had to get out of the car to do that and he argued for a minute but realized that I was resolved now and wasn’t about to cave…

so he got out of the car and said "the only rule was that I had to be out of the car right?" so then he came over to me and picked me up and sat/leaned on the hood of his car with me in his arms and our bodies just melded together...(I know ya’ll didn’t dial the 900 number, but ya did ask) Finally I pulled back a little bit and looked into those blue eyes of his…and I knew I HAD to look away or I was going to kiss him and immediately lose articles of clothing...so he pulled me back into his embrace and I responded so involuntarily...i couldn't help it...

He took that as a sign that we really should be together…while I saw it as a clear sign that I needed to run! So I finally pulled away and got into my own car and rolled my window down and he knelt in my window and was still trying to convince me to stay with him...and he was rubbing my thigh and my arm…Eventually, he realized that i HAD to leave and so he leaned in to hug me one last time and started kissing my neck...oy gevalt…ok kids…he found the spot on my neck that just makes me melt…the spot that I can’t control my response to…ya’ll know what I’m talking about…you have them too...but because I was already buckled into my car I somehow told him no and that I was leaving…I’m fairly certain that my car actually put itself into gear and drove off…

Afterwards, he called to see if i was mad at him and to see if i hated him or whatever...and we had the whole why we can't be together talk again ...he wanted to talk in hypotheticals with me and I wouldn't participate...because I can't...

I want him way too much to let myself daydream...and he kept telling me that he thought it was worth it all (the scandal the drama...his family) But, since I’m not actually a lovesick teenage girl, I knew better than that and I told him that in the end it wouldn't be worth it to him...he would lose too much and I couldn’t let him do that to himself or the people he loves (that and I realize, eventually he would resent me for all that he ended up losing, and that is something I am not able to handle)

Lord knows JD made it as hard as possible for me to say no and told me as much...he told me he wanted to sleep with me in his arms more than anything...and that he "was more than fairly certain that we would be absolutely outstanding together" …and can I tell you, the worst part…is that he is right...we would be...and its even worse knowing exactly what I'm missing out on...OY!! The "everything" would be really, really good...but it can’t happen... that’s just not an option…

So, back to the hypothetical situations he went…he wanted to talk about “what if” he was available…to which I told him that if he was...I wanted to be with him more than anything but since he isn’t we aren’t even going to discuss that...we have to find a middle ground somehow...

I kept trying to bring up his family or his wife or his marriage but...he was more worried about what would happen if my dad found out…For me, JD’s life, and career, and family are the most important things, I can take care of me…he has kids...and his entire career is built on his integrity...

So again we are at a quandary…I’ve spent the last four months trying to stay away from inviting more drama and doing everything I can to convince myself that it was all a mistake and won’t ever be an issue again…even though our friendship can’t ever be the same…now, aren't you sorry you asked???

Friday, May 27, 2005

Bring It On

Here we go again…here is my “horror-scope” for today…this doesn’t bode well for this weekend. I have to be honest…I LOVE what Memorial Day stands for…but I HATE the day itself…I would rather be working than have the day off…at least that way my mind would be busy and focused rather than pretending to rest…

See for me, Memorial Day doesn’t bring good memories…the last four years something awful has happened on Memorial Day…I don’t remember many that stood out in my childhood…but in my adult life here are some of the examples: I have been kicked out of the house, lost a friend in a car accident, listened to bombs explode near the man I loved, and last year… I found out (in the worst way possible) that aforementioned man, Clark, was cheating on me…

I have spent my last four Memorial Days drunk…and while I would like this one to be different…it’s not looking very cheerful…maybe I can just lay low with my cell phone turned off and finish installing my car alarm…Kai is getting to feel a bit neglected…

Ok so here is my horoscope I promised…as illuminated by Kelli Fox at www.astrology.com

Use your perspective to get out of a power struggle. The stars give you diplomatic immunity. Oh, here we go again -- that last-minute-change thing is about to happen. You can't stop it, and you can't prevent it. All you can do is adjust your attitude. Besides, you might like the end result. You're not that much more sensitive than usual, but someone you like is going to say something harsh that sets you back for a while. You'll be back on your feet soon. A higher-up you've never been all that fond of is about to give you one more reason to keep your distance. Before you let them know why you'll be skirting the walls to avoid contact, think this out. If it's because they've caused a problem in your personal life by making changes you weren't privy to, waiting until you see how the whole situation turns out might be better than going off in front of everyone. Just when you're developing a sense of true understanding, something or someone comes along that completely changes the picture. It's unsettling for your heart, but wait 'til you see what comes into focus now.

Paradoxical Profile

Just a warning...this is LONG!!

Woohoo!!! I slept last night!!! Not for a long time…but definitely more than I have recently! I think I actually had four uninterrupted hours of sleep! How pathetic am I to be excited about that? Hehe…don’t answer that! ;-) I do the best I can.

It’s amazing how much better the world looks after a little sleep…now that my body is not longer staging a coup against me…I believe once again that I can tackle the world. Not all at once of course…but today is far from bleak…and the sun is out…

After learning about and coming to understand my mania and the imbalance that is my brain…I will never again underestimate the power of sunshine…or polarities…and moon cycles for that matter. Heheheh…and since I’m in the middle of the Cusp of Power…well, I guess there is no way around the fact that all the ups and downs are full force…a little about me…this profile is actually pretty accurate...the things I like about myself and the things I don't...but there is always room for growth...from two of my favorite books: The Secret Language of Birthdays and its companion The Secret Language of Relationships by Gary Goldschneider:

The days that compromise the Aries-Taurus cusp reveal some of this manifestation of Power, not only in the fiery forwardness and willfulness expected of Aries, but also in earthy Taurus traits of practicality, endurance and nurturing.

Those born on the Aries-Taurus cusp strive for power in their daily lives, but their personalities temper and ground the fiery dynamism of Aries through the solidity and earthiness of Taurus. The undeniable trademark of those born in this week is a preoccupation with power. They see their birthright as nothing less than the very best that life has to offer. Yet they generally know how to pursue their goals without arousing antagonism in others. Powerfully persuasive, they make it easier and more advantageous to agree with them than to disagree. Whether it takes a long or short time to achieve their ends matters little to Aries-Tauruses as long as they get there. Above all, they have a superb sense of timing, and of kairos - knowledge the right time to act and not to act.

In first meetings, they often impress others as quiet and self assured - as people who know how to watch and wait. Aries-Taurus's do not waste their time proving anything to anyone, preferring to hang back confidently and save their energy for when it counts. In this respect they make formidable enemies and capable co-workers. Their approach to work is highly professional, and those involved with them must understand that their career will always be at least as important to them as their relationships.

Those involved with Aries-Taurus's can benefit tremendously from their powerful presence and capabilities. They know the value of money, and also how to get it. Their goal, however, is usually not so much financial security as a steady cash flow that they derive from their work, and that permits them to spend freely. As they see it, financial dependency on someone else is a liability; they would just as soon do the supporting themselves, since they have little desire to give up their personal freedom. Learning to accept financial and other kinds of support from mates, family, and friends may be difficult for them, but, like love, it will ultimately bring them a step forward in their personal development.

The unspoken secret of Aries-Taurus people is that what they secretly long for most is to give up the daily battles of the world and simply submit to fantasy, pleasure, perhaps to sheer laziness. This is usually impossible for them to accomplish for very long, but in their hard-driving approach to daily life it is always a comforting thought, an idea that gets them through many a tough day. Certainly Aries-Taurus's do best when they can periodically empty themselves out (through sleep, for example, or leisure time, massage, meditation, or vacations), allowing themselves to recharge.

In relationships, no matter how high or low their station, Aries-Taurus's make their presence felt in their interactions with others. They are big people, capable of prodigious mistakes as well as of glittering successes, and they leave little doubt about where they stand. They tend to choose rather than to be chosen. Once they have fixed their sights on someone the matter is settled. This is not to say that their judgment is perfect: they will quickly take credit when they have chosen well, but their inability to admit to a major mistake tends to make them very long-suffering. Aries-Taurus's hang in there not only because to quit would be an admission of failure, and failure is very hard indeed for them to handle.

Those born on the Cusp of Power are extremely generous, but on their terms. They only give when it suits them, and they are equally capable of taking back not only their gifts but their affection - not out of capriciousness or malice, but because they feel that their gifts have gone unappreciated or were underserved. Not infrequently, the degree of their giving can itself be intimidating, arousing insecurity in less robust souls. Such lavishness can create dependencies in both the giver and the recipient, and these may later be difficult or impossible to break.
An important lesson that Aries-Taurus's must learn is to give up a certain amount of their power, and to replace it with a degree of sharing, cooperation and acceptance. That they become more powerful, in a human sense, by doing so is a realization that will grow with the years. In this respect, a warm and giving mate or friend, and the mutual affection engendered through family life of some kind, are essential for their development.

A second lesson, related to the first, is that the greatest power may be the power of love. Whether sexual or affectionate, romantic, platonic or religious, love has an undeniable softening effect on those born on the Cusp of Power. Although they may take and discard lovers when it pleases them, they do best on a steady diet of love from one special person. They reach their zenith and shine most brightly when this love involves an unconditional giving on their part, which is perhaps the closest they can come to true selflessness.

Advice
Try not to overpower others. learn to back off and allow things to happen as they will. Although your hands may itch to do the job, give others a chance to do it their way, even if they make mistakes. Try to remain sensitive to the feelings of those around you.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Frustrations Abound

Well…ya know all the ish that G and I were going to take care of yesterday? It didn’t happen…oh not from a lack of trying, but because of the very sticky and rather gray areas surrounding the issues of jurisdiction and actual threat…see here is the thing…apparently some law enforcement agencies will investigate claims like G’s provided that it’s within their jurisdiction…that makes sense but here’s the kicker…the agencies within who’s jurisdiction all the ish took place won’t investigate claims without physical evidence…basically being threatened with attack and physical harm isn’t enough…apparently G has to actually have bruises to submit as evidence…

It’s so frustrating but anyway…I am persistent and JD gave me a couple more ideas of where to go. Poor guy is sick as all get out and he still called to see if I needed anything. Sigh…it’s true all the good ones are taken or otherwise unavailable (either emotionally, physically, geographically or legally)…ok enough of the pity party for myself…tomorrow is Friday…not that it means anything in and of itself…but whatever.

I think tonight I’ma go get Nikka’s new album…maybe that will lift my spirits a little. I know what part of my problem is though…I’ve known for a while but I haven’t wanted to accept or face it….

Most likely, by the end of summer, one of two things will happen…I will get a job back down in San Diego or Temecula; or Miss Jess will get a job up here out of Sacramento. My frustration is this: I am incredibly qualified, I have excellent recommendations, I interview well…and no one will give me a job. I like the job I have but the pay isn’t shit! (and yes, that is the nicest thing I could think of) As it is, I work my arse off and in order to move I will have to pick up a second job…

The job I have now is specialized…it’s complicated and they couldn’t just replace me…but that doesn’t encourage them to take care of me or anyone else I work with for that matter. It’s ridiculous…with my level of education…my work ethic and level of skill, I shouldn’t have to work two full-time jobs just to get by…I know this is California and all but c’mon now!! I don’t even have freakin’ health insurance!! I know some of ya’ll can totally relate…it’s disheartening…and if one more company tells me I’m overqualified…I’ma scream!!

I may possibly have an internship job in Temecula within the next six months and that would honestly be a dream come true…it would be everything I’ve wanted to do…and I would be working for an old boss of mine whom I respect more than just about anyone…it would also give me the opportunity for a fresh start…but that’s part of the problem…everything is hypothetical…

I hate living in hypotheticals…I’m a realist after all…it’s that whole Aries-Taurus Cusp rearing it’s ugly head…c’est la vie… I know I said I would stop whining…and now I’m done...end rant...

FIN.

I'm Feelin' This

On My Way ~ Ingram Hill

I dont want your old letters
and I dont want to be friends
I've had enough to last a lifetime
And i don't want to go again

I dont have to find a reason
I don't have to answer why
It dosent matter who is wrong here
I just want to see you cry

On my way I'll take the sunshine
On my way I'll take your dreams
On my way I'll say I'm sorry
To no one but me

So let your family know I'm leavin
Lie to your girlfriends that your well
Call and leave a crying message
I wanna know it hurts like hell

On my way I'll take the sunshine
On my way I'll take your dreams
On my way I'll say I'm sorry
To no one but me

On my way I'll be my own man
And I'll only please myself
On my way
My pride's the only feeling I've got left
Feeling I've got left

On my way I'll take the sunshine
On my way I'll take your dreams
On my way I'll say I'm sorry
To no one but me

On my way I'll be my own man
And I'll only please myself
On my way
My prides the only feeling I've got left

Smiling Through Sleepiness

I am absolutely exhausted today…I couldn’t fall asleep for anything last night. I crawled into bed around 11 because I was tired when I started out yesterday…unfortunately, my brain had other ideas…actually, ideas were precisely my problem. Nothing useful of course, but my brain was moving at about a million miles a second. If anyone else out there is manic (or has manic tendencies) then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I couldn’t even entertain the possibility of sleep until about 3:30 am. I drifted back and forth until about 5 when I finally passed out until my alarm went off at 6:45. I tried to go back to sleep, but the house line kept ringing off the hook. I managed to fall back asleep after burying my head under several pillows to drown out the light and noise. Of course I woke right up again at 7:45 when my second alarm went off and my brain was ready for action once again…my body cannot keep up with my brain these days.

In the four or so hours I couldn’t even pretend to sleep, I read about half of Jenna Jameson’s autobiography. It’s quite good…for those who don’t know, it’s called How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale. Speaking of the name…you can tell a lot about a person by how they associate names.

As most of you know, Jenna is my full name, though only people who don’t know me well (and Clark who liked my full name better than the shortened version) call me by it. Professionally I use my whole name because it cuts down on the misspellings, i.e. Gina, Jennifer, Joan, Jana…people can really make an art form out of butchering names.

Anyway, I digress…when clients call, I tell them my name…and the responses I receive vary based on the demographics of the caller…it usually goes something like this (provided that they get my name right in the first place)…

older clients (male and female) oh, Jenna, like the girl on “Dallas”!! (Which actually is where my name originated).

There are the younger female clients: Jenna…oh like that girl in that really cute movie (“13 Going on 30”) or slightly more creative...oh Jenna like that chick from "Blossom"…

and then the guys: "Jenna, hehehe, so…are you like really named after Jenna Jameson?"

Umm…yeah how did ya’ll guess? My parents named me after the porn queen…who incidentally wasn’t famous when I was born…the funniest part is how all these guys think that their joke is somehow original and rather clever. Sometimes I’m polite enough to at least push mute before I make fun of their stupidity.

Some people’s kids…

Ok so I had lots of time to think last night as I stared at the ceiling…As usual, when I can’t sleep at all, thoughts and memories and questions about Clark surface…no I’m not going to wax poetic about the “good old days” or whatever you want to call it…but the truth is, I still can’t shake him completely out of my head. I do pretty good most of the time anymore, but when my subconscious is in control…well he apparently still has a hold there somewhere…all that thinking led me to two songs…so today there will be two songs posted. This first one is:

You Were Meant For Me ~ Jewel

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doin’ fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my p.j.’s and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Ya Gotta Believe

I talked to G yesterday, it’s been a rough few days for her again…it seems like everything hits the fan all at once…just when you get yourself picked up and dusted off…something else comes along.

Today, we are going to get some of it straightened out…but as happens so often in life, nothing will make all your problems just disappear…some things just have to be worked through without the benefit of short cuts. Now…if only we could get G to believe in herself on a more regular basis…set backs suck…but if you want it, ya still have to go for it.

I’m not preaching…I’m talking to myself most than anything…I’ve got some decisions to make…and while my dreams and plans are constantly being readjusted, I know eventually life will work out the way it’s supposed to…I still have to be an active participant though…

This Time ~ 3 Doors Down

Unsure of yourselfyou stand divided now.
Which road will lead you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still see your scars yeah
But it’s not the way it used to be right now
You've come so far to just let this go my friend
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over

You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Live on, live it up today
This life’s your cup
So drink it up
I say, yeah

Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now
And walk that line, don’t let this go,
don’t go out the Same way you did the last time
You break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over

You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Life’s your cup,
life’s your cup
Drink it up
Life’s your cup,
life’s your cup

The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You got to believe in yourself this time [x2]

This album (Away From the Sun) got TG and myself through a lot of rough nights when Clark and her hubby were off playing in the Sandbox…especially listen to “I Feel You” that was one of my and Clark’s songs…

Halfway There!

It’s Wednesday, thank God! It means my week is half over. It has been absolutely insane around the office this week. We have a huge number of cases to go out to a client by Friday, and somehow we are supposed to find the time for this project in the midst of all the regular things we do. I guess I forgot to mention that I’m now a superhero….whatever…anyway, my brain is fried everyday when I leave lately.

My department is fully understaffed and unfortunately, we made the mistake of being efficient and capable…that’s the last time I’ll do that! Now they think that FG and I are able to leap tall buildings in a single bound…or at least read minds.

Today’s case load is shaping up to be about the same…it’s a good thing we have fun and crank our music up loud enough to drown out the rest of the office…ya’ll have never seen a law firm quite like this. But, when you’re the best you can get away with a lot…that makes work more bearable…either way, I have a very long day ahead of me.

The sun is shining…the song runnin’ through my head: “It’s a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight, so I guess I’m doin’ alright!” ~ Jo Dee Messina…I think…

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

No Longer Waiting

Miss Jessa speaks...finally!
I have found in the last several weeks that I was putting my life on hold for things... Let me explain. I have wanted to say hello to everyone, but was attempting to wait until the pictures could be posted as well. But that's not all... I have also been waiting to finish my resume to apply for a new job, waiting till my roommate grows up, waiting till someone tells me exactly where to move next.
Well, enough already! I will no longer wait as life flies past. I am hereby beginning with this pictureless blog and hoping many more changes (especially my computer karma) will follow.

Against the Wall...

...but not trapped...I feel like I'm up and down...I can't seem to get right. It's not about the let down that inevitably happens after vacation...it's deeper than that. I don't know where it's coming from or how to make it stop...it's not even about the fact that I didn't have the interview that I was supposed to (though, if the company didn't call then it wasn't actually supposed to be and something better will work out...I just don't know what it is yet). I actually may have an even better opportunity come up in the next few months, which I will elaborate on as soon as I process it all. The song below is an older one, but I really love it...in fact I love the whole Lifehouse album that it came from. "Trying" fits my emotional state pretty well right now...

Trying ~ Lifehouse

Could you let down your hair
Be transparent for awhile, just a little while
To see if you're human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
We've got it all figured out
Well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't gonna pretend like I do

Just trying
To find my way
Trying
To find my way the best I know how

Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe
That I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying
To find my way
Trying
To find my way
Trying
To find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
Even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you, and

I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way...

Monday, May 23, 2005

Access to Fun

Ok ya’ll now onto the part you actually wanna know about: the Dierks Bentley concert. The show rocked!!! I really enjoyed the whole experience. Miss Jess and I took a couple friends and met up with her big brother who works with the band. In an attempt to make it a quick recap I’ma try something a bit different…the things I discovered on Friday:

1. While a virtual must at a country concert, cowboy hats can get in the way

2. An all access pass may get you wherever you want to go, but apparently that doesn’t include entry into the venue…even when you are the band.

3. It’s important for the band to have all its members including the guy who plays steel guitar. (yah Gary!)

4. Superman is most certainly not dead (he’s not even all that old) and he still rocks hard.

5. It apparently requires silence in the room when Dierks needs to pee.

6. Billy Currington definitely doesn’t play guitar better than Dierks and Superman likes his job.

7. Privately owned bridges suck…as do the Dixie Chicks’ attitudes.

8. A balcony is the best place to watch a concert.

9. Australian accents are sexy…as are soft Southern drawls (just for the record)

10. Eating a healthy dinner (salad) supposedly offsets however much alcohol you consume later on. (How does that go Kevin?)

11. If Robbie is on a mission, just let him go…otherwise he’ll get lost.

12. Joel rocks whether he’s politely telling the event staff where to put their attitudes or taking care of his sometimes dumb little sisters.

13. Boats that sit in the harbor untouched really should be fair game.

14. It is possible to get lost on an island even when the freeway makes a complete circle.

15. Mai-Tai's are BAD!!!!

Friday was incredible. Anything I forgot Miss Jess? ;-)

This guy rocks!!

Today's song is the first single from Jedd Hughes. Jedd and his boand are the current opening act for Dierks Bentley. These guys rock!!! I really dig Jedd's vocals and the band has some great harmonies and tracks. I am rapidly becoming a fan...and for the record the Australian accent is just a bonus. He's a sweet guy and the band is pretty kick ass too...(we love Kevin!) Anyway, enjoy...

High Lonesome ~ Jedd Hughes

I saw this boy and girl tonight
Remindin' me of you and I
In better days
Then i saw him steal a kiss
I realize your all I miss
And that's all it takes

(chorus)
I get that heart-achin',
On the edge of breakin'
A never-endin' road that's twistin'
Takin' me back to where we were back then
I get that high lonesome
Low down and then some
Whiskey drinkin', what was i thinkin'
why i ever left you feelin' again

It's been forever since I've seen you
The grass still isn't any greener
On the other side
Someone told me live and learn
Play with fire and you'll get burned
And i did, now, I'm payin the price

(chorus)

I tell myself I'm over you
Then i wake up to the cold hard truth
again and again

(chorus)

I get that high lonesome
Low down and then some
Whiskey drinkin', what was i thinkin'
why i ever left you feelin' again
Whiskey drinkin', what was i thinkin'
why i ever left you feelin' again

San Diego

I'm back...I'm alive. This weekend was amazing!!! The stories will come out in pieces because I have so many to tell...but I had so many incredible experiences this weekend!!

The night I got in, Miss Jess and I made the rounds at "Cheers" before we went home and crashed out with roommates and "Sex and the City"...good times had by all.

San Diego was gorgeous everyday...warm, sunny and perfect. I have really missed my city...traffic and all. I finally got to fulfill my Santana's craving...I'm tellin' ya, if you're in the San Diego area...carne asada California burritos are the way to go...hehehehe.

It was good to see old friends and new ones...we even picnicked in the park...ya gotta love San Diego! As always time was in too short supply. But I did something smart last night...(makes up for some of the other things I did this weekend) ;-) I volunteered my seat on the plane to someone else...not only did I get an extra night in San Diego, but I got killer flight credits for next time...my next ticket is now paid for! Score!! Man, I love this city!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Song Time

On My Own ~ Nikka Costa

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in
Make belivin' is hard alone
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for that risin' star
To guide me far and shine me home,
Out here on my own.

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh baby, be strong for me,
Baby, belong to me
Help me through, help me need you.
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears,
I dry the tears I've never shown
Out here on my own.

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh baby, be strong for me,
Baby, belong to me
Help me through, help me need you.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in.
I may not win but I can't be strong,
Out here on my own
Out here on my own, on my own.

And just so ya'll know, Nikka's new album is coming out May 24th!! I'm stoked, it's been four years since the last studio album came out. Have a great weekend everybody!! I'm off to San Diego tonight...I'll try to get a post or two in if I have time.

Some People's Kids...

So now that ya’ll have some background on the “relationship” between myself and that asshole, I will explain why I am so enraged. Yes I do realize that is a very strong word…I mean it too.

I found out last night that because he doesn’t like me (so that’s an understatement but we all know the feeling is mutual) he is making my cadets pay for it in the most childish, immature display I have seen in years. As ya’ll may have heard me talk about before, I train fire cadets every week…they are a great group of high school kids who want to have careers in the fire service. Anyway, our kids work their little butts off all year long doing community service projects, usually through the Fire Department.

Since the kids aren’t allowed to solicit money or earn money for their training, trips or projects, we have to rely on donations. That’s really not a big deal because the kids like to help out in the community and most organizations are happy to donate money for the kids.

In the past, the career firefighters have been very generous with our cadets, and in return, the kids are ALWAYS there to help them out…I mean for the last 8 years, the cadets haven’t missed an event. And now, we are about to be royally fucked and most of the career staff doesn’t even know it’s happening. Well, that was before I found out about it…I was told, by a reliable source (it’s first hand info after all) that we are being purposely cut out of the donations…

The asshole has taken over the July 4th fundraiser and has the fantastic (read with sarcasm) idea of donating all the proceeds to a youth centered cause (well duh) in the community. There is a list of three or four organizations that he has chosen to allow the rest of the firefighters to vote on regarding who gets their money this year. One of these causes is headed up by his mommy dearest…see any conflict of interest here? Please note that my cadets were excluded from the list completely…when my source motioned to have them added to the list he was told that the list was complete. But he was more than willing to let my cadets work the whole event before being told they were shit outta luck in the donation department…it’s not like these kids are all about the money…they don’t care, but it is the only way they can get their training and trips funded.

Apparently, in order for us to make the list he wants to be allowed to be in a leadership position over my cadets…that is so not gonna happen even if hell does freeze over…please refer to the previous post…I WILL NOT allow him around my underage girls…not gonna happen. It appears that he is perfectly ok with being childish and immature and punishing these cadets (who don’t even know the history…I really don’t drag everyone into my ish) because of his issues with me. He even said as much…not to my face of course…I always hear it in a roundabout fashion…you’d think even he would know by now that if talk shit about me or my program, it will get back to me and you won’t like what happens next…

Yup, I’m about to take action…I’ll be making some phone calls this weekend…I’ve got friends on the board…and I’m fairly certain there are several firefighters who will not sit by and watch my cadets suffer for one little boy’s pride…

A Peek Into the Past

The purpose of this post is to give some background for the next ranting that I need to let out today. I am beyond furious (no I don't know what word is next in line) today... So here is a glimpse of my past and soon you'll see my present...

There was a guy I went to high school with who was the best friend of my first love, Daniel. I guess he figured that because of my “association” with his friend I'd kick down to him too. He used to corner me and trap me every chance he got. I knew that he had date raped three other girls and I was always scared of him. But he'd always play if off like we were just playing around.

One time though when we were in EMS training together, while I was strapped to a back board, (we all had to be to get certified, it's supposed to teach you compassion for your victims) he climbed on top of me and started trying to get my shirt off, as though I would just be quiet??? I started yelling, because I couldn't move. I was completely helpless, which is the worst feeling in the world, and Daniel, his friend, saw what was happening and literally threw this guy off of me. I thought Daniel was going to beat him senseless.

When I finally got unstrapped and calmed down, my Daniel tried to get me to tell him what happened. The fucker thought that somehow I had led his friend on. It was a mess. Anyway, about two years after that, long after we had broken up and each moved on, he apologized for not believing me and for being so blind as to the person his (by then) ex-friend was.

Both guys are now firefighters who work in the same department as my dad and some of my good friends and a couple ex's. They all know the person he is and HATE him. They asked me to file charges against him (for several other things) but I wouldn't do it. I knew that the working environment he has every single day is far worse than anything the law could ever do to him...karma comes back around.

JD is his captain… are ya’ll believing in karma yet? ;-)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

It's Almost Time

It's still rainy and gray here...but soon I won't care. We are T minus 30 hours until I'm back in San Diego...not that I'm counting or anything. So, in honor of San Diego and all of its fabulousness...Today's song:

One More Minute ~ Authority Zero

I'm going back to where I came from
So far away, but not so far from home
Where I lay my head down by the sea
I'm going back to where I'd go
So far away, but not so far from home
Where I'd rest, where I'd lay so peacefully

But by the way,
I want a break, and put this stress aside
But above all things I want to lay by the Oceanside
The ocean waves, no other way, get away

Well I'm finding...
Oh no, my daily worries want to drift away, Fine!
Dying and trying just to find some sort of piece of mind
Now's the time, to get away, I'm going away!
No other place to go, I've got to get away, let's get away! Away...

One more minute, then beaches San Diego,
One more minute!
One more minute, then beaches Mexico
One more minute!
One more minute, we're kickin' back poolside
One more minute, and we're down by the Oceanside
One more minute, one more minute, one more minute!

So far away, and down on the beach
I want to clear my head and bake it in the sunshine
Want to relay relaxation
With the horizon straight away
And a ring around my arm from a long day, of making angels in the sand
Pacifico in my hand!

No other place to go, I wanna get away, let's get away! Away...
sunshine in my eyes, and the flamenco in the skies
The only way, you'll ever know, is to go, is to go!

Conscience and Conviction

I talked to G for a long time last night (in between the ACM’s of course). The topic de jour: men (duh). Anyway, she and Kent are mostly back together and she is sublimely happy. Good for both of them…no really, I mean that. I can fully appreciate the ecstasy of knowing you’ve got another chance with your kryptonite. For the first time, there wasn’t any sadness, jealousy, or longing on my part for Clark. For the first time, I really didn’t think about him when we discussed kryptonite and its effect on the normally rational brain. I was actually rather proud of myself…I still care about Clark, but honestly, I don’t want anything to do with him right now. I need someone more positive and centered in my life right now…Lord knows I’m unbalanced enough for two people some days. That brings me to the next topic G and I broached…JD…c’mon ya’ll you knew it was only a matter of time. I have had a moratorium issued by Miss Jess where JD is concerned. Have you ever heard the Leann Rimes song, “Right Kind of Wrong” (it’s also on the Coyote Ugly soundtrack)? Well, that could be a theme song for JD and me.

Lovin' you, yeah isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
yeahI should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

I guess I should fill in a little back story… JD is a good friend of mine that I have known for almost 9 years. He is older than me, and he is one of the most incredible men I have ever known. I’ve always had a mad crush on him since we first met. The night I met him I looked at my sister and said, “That right there is what I want…well not that one, he’s married…but one just like that one.” That’s how I always approached our friendship…I love JD to death but he’s married and as far as I was concerned, the crush was completely one sided anyway. I always hid it and was totally normal around him (yeah normal is a relative term but whatever, let’s go with it), no one really knew anything was up…and it wasn’t until earlier this year.

Apparently the admiration and interest has been mutual…why he couldn’t keep it inside his own head the way I’ve done for the last 9 years is beyond me…but it required us to have some very difficult conversations…oy!! See I’ve had married friends proposition me, and I usually just told them to knock it off or their wife and I would be having a little talk…ya know what I mean. But with JD it is completely different…he has got to be about the only man on the planet who could say and do the things he did and not come across as dirty or perverted…I don’t get it…and believe me…NOTHING will happen between us while he is married…I’m not that girl and I have respect for myself and his family.

G and I have spent much time in the last few months (this is an ongoing ordeal, hence the moratorium Miss Jess has placed on me--I’m not allowed to call/see JD except for business purposes) discussing this situation and its repercussions. JD’s whole career is based on his integrity and there is so much drama in the whole situation that we would never let anything happen to his reputation…G works with him and he’s somewhat of a mentor to her. The situation is far more complicated than I am explaining…but the core issue still remains. There is a definite and deep connection between JD and myself…but we have to keep our distance…which sucks…we used to be such good friends…

This whole long diatribe related back to what I talked about last week in “Pristine Pariah”… I don’t have a guilt complex…and I don’t hardly ever feel regret. An anyone who knows me knows I really have a thing for this man...I can't help it!! When I'm around him I don't want to be strong...since I found out how incredibly mutual it all is, my willpower slips just a little everytime I see him. I do know that I would eventually feel bad about my actions if I allowed anything else to happen between JD and myself. And, having been cheated on…I know the pain and I could NEVER inflict that pain on another person…but it’s something I struggle with…because what I WANT and what is RIGHT are so very far apart in this situation...and honestly, willpower is the only thing that's kept me from jumping this man...

I have to say…as tough as it’s been over the years to hide what I felt…I would much rather still be there and have JD as a close friend that I was actually able to hang out with…because it’s infinitely more difficult now that I know exactly what I’m missing…sigh…

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Armed Forces Day

I know that it's a couple days early, but I want to take a minute to thank all of our military service men and women who are on the front lines and homefront every single day. You are true heroes. I am infinitely proud of my friends and loved ones who have served and continue to serve today. So in honor of these brave men and women, today's song:

American Soldier ~ Toby Keith

I'm just trying to be a father
Raise a daughter and a son
Be a lover to their mother
Everything to everyone
Up and at 'em, bright and early
I'm all business in my suit
Yeah, I'm dressed for success
From my head down to my boots
I don't do it for money,
there's still bills that I can't pay
I don't do it for the glory,
I just do it anyway

Providing for our future's my responsibility
Yeah, I'm real good under pressure,
being all that I can be
And I can't call in sick on Mondays
When the weekend's been too strong
I just work straight through the holidays
And sometimes all night long
You can bet that I stand ready
When the wolf growls at the door
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady
Hey, I'm true down to the core

And I will always do my duty,
no matter what the price
I've counted up the cost,
I know the sacrifice

Oh, and I don't want to die for you
But if dyin's asked of me
I'll bear that cross with an honor
Cause freedom don't come free
I'm an American soldier, an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters
I will proudly take a stand
When liberty's in jeopardy,
I will always do what's right
I'm out here on the frontlines,
sleep in peace tonight

American soldier,
I'm an American soldier
Yeah, an American soldier, an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters
I will proudly take a stand
When liberty's in jeopardy,
I will always do what's right
I'm out here on the frontlines, so sleep in peace tonight
American soldier, I'm an American
An American
An American soldier

So if ya'll think of it, say a little prayer for all those still out there and for their families back home. Deployments are hard on all sides...for all of you in the silent ranks...you have my respect, I know how rough it is. And Father, bring Shane and his boys home safe.

(Oh, and for those who will want to know...the picture was taken at Camp Wolf in 2003...sent to me by Clark)

Musings of an Empress