Musings of an Empress: August 2005

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The Glass is Halfway

... Over...It’s Wednesday, that means I am halfway through my week…may I just say that it couldn’t come quickly enough this week. I’m hormonal, I know that. I don’t enjoy that fact, but there it is and I can’t do anything about it. I am doing my best to not be bitchy, and really, how much more should people be allowed to expect??

Ok, so I realize that this is coming out of nowhere, or so it would seem…well one of the girls here at work is upset with me…like many things in life, it’s just a matter of perspective. Anyway, I have tried repeatedly to work this out with her; she refuses to speak to me. Which, I must say, makes for an interesting work environment. So, I am now at the point that I don’t care to expend any more effort. I have done all I can and now I have to sit back and wait for her to stop acting like a girl.

Have I mentioned that I miss working with all guys?? At least then, people said what they meant, there was no walking on eggshells, and if something did come to a head, you yell or fight it out and it’s over…done…live moves on.

Well at least I have fire cadets tonight…so I will get to hang with some of my favorite firefighter this evening…did I mention JD is working?? I haven’t seen him since he had ankle surgery at the beginning of the month. It will be good to see him…I miss the old days sometimes. Hehehe. Anyway, I haven’t talked to S in days and I’m hoping that he remembers all the things he’s supposed to have in order for tonight. Guess I should call and remind him…that’s what sisters are for, or so I hear.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Revelations of the Rummy

Today, I am exhausted. I didn’t manage to fall asleep until 4 am. Needless to say, I am having a difficult time functioning well. I did however, have time to contemplate many things and I came to a few conclusions:

1. I hate wind…this also feeds into my hatred of mini-blinds. Ours caused massive drama in the house last night…we use open windows rather than the central air at night…last night however the wind started gusting in the middle of the night slamming blinds and doors all over the house. Scared the hell out of Grace, Jeanne and I. I’m not sure how Jean fared on the couch downstairs…she didn’t answered when we called…hopefully she slept through it all.

2. Being chemically unbalanced is not always all it’s cracked up to be. The not sleeping portion of the program has officially gotten old.

3. My roommates are fantastic people and I am definitely thankful for Grace. I am also going to miss having Jeanne around for the next week.

4. I spent part of the night worrying for friends and family in the South…familia, Joan, let me know ya’ll are ok.

5. Finally, Chuck Palahniuk is brilliant. His writing is genius. I finished reading Stranger Than Fiction last night.

hmmm...not exactly...

Carole Lombard
You scored 23% grit, 23% wit, 38% flair, and 35% class!

You're a little bit of a fruitcake, but you always act out in style. You have a good sense of humor, are game for almost anything, but you like to have nice things about you and are attracted to the high life. You're stylish and modern, but you've got a few rough edges that keep you from attaining true sophistication. Your leading men include William Powell, Fredric March, and Clark Gable. Watch out for small planes.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

This test was simultaneously stolen from Joan, Rae, and Sadie. I just had to play too...the test didn't come out exactly like me, but it's close enough for amusement...so for a moment at least I will revel in my personality split...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Lionel for the Lonely

I got some great comments in respect to the Lionel lyrics I posted last week. Here is another of his songs that connected to my spirit...this is the song that was playing in my car as I raced down an empty strech of the 5 one night after a fight with Clark when I first realized that I might not like it, but I was going to be ok on my own. It's true, I have been...

Sail On ~ Lionel Ritchie

Sail on down the line,
'bout half a mile or so,
and I don't really wanna know,
where you're goin'
maybe once or twice you see
time after time I tried
hold on to what we got
but…now you're going!

and I don't mind about the things you're
gonna say, lord
I gave all my money and my time
I know it's a shame
but I'm giving you back your name
guess I'll be on my way
I won't be back to stay
I guess I'll move along
I'm looking for a good time!

Sail on down the line
ain't it funny how the time can go
all my friends say they told me so
but it doesn't matter.
It was plain to see
that a small town boy like me
just a wasn't your cup of tea:
I was wishful thinking!

I gave you my heart
and I tried to make you happy
and you gave me nothing in return
you know it ain't so hard to say,
“would you please just go away”
I've thrown away the blues
I'm tired of being used
I want everyone to know
I'm looking for a good time, good time!

whoa, sail on, honey!
good times never felt so good!
sail on, honey!
good times never felt so good!
sail on, sugar!
good times never felt so good!
sail on!

Another Day

Well, my head is markedly better today than it was Friday. The only good thing about Friday was that being home in the middle of the day allowed me a few extra minutes to hang out with the new roommate, Jeanne. We bonded over General Hospital and migraines. She is such a blessing to have in the house. It seems like everyday one of the three of us (Grace, Jeanne or myself) comments how much we all love living together. Really, I couldn’t ask for a better roommate situation.

Anyway, this weekend was busy…oh so busy…we made time however to venture on out to G’s bar. It was very low key and lots of fun…made better by the fact that G was completely surprised that we showed and even her roommates came out to play. A good time was had by all…(I even got called a Hawaiian hooker) ;-)

On Sunday, Grace and I were domestic…we baked cookies, we cleaned the kitchen, I did laundry, and we hung out with Jeanne and watched Gilmore Girls.

She’s leaving tomorrow for a week in Alaska…we’re gonna miss her around the house. So just a note to all the bears out there: Leave Jeanne alone! She doesn’t like you and has no desire to get to know you better. She is on vacation and would like to return to Cali (and our home) in one uneaten piece. Thank you. ;-)

Speaking of a different Jean, she is absolutely fantastic and is once again saving my arse. She is hooking up my internet and laptop as I type. She graciously offered to provide us with an Ethernet card, so that Trevor can talk to the DSL ish. Yes, we are moving into the 21st century like the normal people. ;-) Yay!!!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Say You, Say Me

The only thing that is calming my brain right now is Lionel Ritchie. I love the man's voice...Today I couldn't decide between the Commodores years and the solo years so I made a compromise: The Greatest Hits! So the song of the moment is:

Say You, Say Me ~ Lionel Ritchie

Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
Naturally!

I had a dream
I had an awesome dream
People in the park
Playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade
From behind the walls of doubt
A voice was crying out!

Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
Naturally

As we go down life's lonesome highway
Seems the hardest thing to do
Is to find a friend or two
That helping hand
Someone who understands
When you feel you've lost your way
You've got some one there to say
I'll show you,

Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
Naturally!

So you think you know the answer
Oh, no
Well, the whole worlds got you dancing
That's right I'm telling you
It's time to start believing
Oh, yes
Believe in who you are
You are a shining star

Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
Naturally!

Say it together
Naturally!

Almost There

Migraines suck. Yep that is the official stance I’m taking with that issue. I have had raging migraine for the last 24 hours and it doesn’t appear to be lessening. I am at work for the time being, but that was mostly because I have a project I need to finish. I haven’t even picked up a case yet this morning. Instead I am currently editing a stubborn and tedious set of documents known as “Points and Authorities”. My boss asked me to help her with all the technical points of editing, so now my brain is struggling to keep up. I have three of the four done; but formatting has been a beast. I’m not sure I can even count how many different formats have been melded together. I realize that this is a boring subject, but at least ya’ll only have a paragraph or so of my rambling to contend with…I am editing page 97 right about now…

I am only working a half-day today as my head is steadily worsening as I sit and stare at a computer screen. There is a couch and a Fiorinol calling my name and I am more than happy to oblige.

The fabulous Miss Jean is providing yours truly with an Ethernet card so that I can join the modern world at home too; so I need to be clear headed to drive over and pick it up…I am determined that we will have DSL in our home before this weekend is up. Wish me luck ;-)

Hope ya’ll have a fabulous weekend!!!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Everyone is Entitled

Sigh…Reading the news has become tedious as every one says the same things. The MSM seems to be regurgitating the same few stories over the last week. I have many opinions of my own…but I currently lack the energy to turn any of them into comprehensible thoughts let alone something worth reading. So, instead I point you to some other fabulous people whose brain power appears to be in complete working order. ;-)

While I hate how much camera time Cindy Sheehan has been receiving, I do think the opposition needs to be heard. This issue is getting a lot of coverage around here as it’s centered virtually in my own back yard. Real, sincere troop support is a big deal in this area.

Check out what some of the others have to say.

Also, check out some of the soldier blogs around here. You might be surprised by what they think.

If you haven’t gotten around to it, Seven Inches of Sense is up and running again and all the Service posts are up. Good stuff.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

It's Wednesday!

That means my week is now half over. Woohoo!! Last night I did the make-up trial run for Jean's wedding! Woohoo! It went well...I am Supreme Empress for Life for a reason...yes, I really am that fabulous! Ok I'm not but my brain is so overloaded that I am punchy...focusing has been a real challenge today. (Hence the serious lack of posting) Anyway, in the spirit of randomness, here is a fun song. Well, I think it's fun anyway. Have a great night ya'll and maybe I will write more tomorrow.

Better Class of Losers ~ Randy Travis

I'm getting out of this high-rise penthouse suite
Where we pretend life's rosy and sweet
I'm going back to the folks that I used to know
Where everyone is what they seems to be

And these high-class friends that you like to hang around
When they look my way they're always looking down
I'm tired of spending every dime I make
To finance this way of life I've learned to hate

(Chorus)
I'm going back to a better class of loser
This up-town living's really got me down
I need friends who don't pay their bills on home computers
And who buy their coffee beans already ground
You think it's disgraceful that they drink three-dollar wine
But a better class of loser suits me fine

You say the grass is greener on the other side
From where I stand I can't see grass at all
And the concrete and the steel won't change the way you feel
It takes more than caviar to have a ball

(Repeat chorus)
You think it's disgraceful that they drink three-dollar wine
But a better class of loser suits me fine

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Beautiful Baby

So, work is still frustrating the hell out of me. I am tired of being treated like a second class citizen…but whatever. Hopefully soon it will be their loss. I have just a few more changes on my resume and cover letter to get them ready to submit to CLRC (California Law Revision Commission) for an administrative assistant job. I love what I do, I’d just like to make a livable wage doing it. Is that really so much to ask??

Now for the happy stuff. (Yeah I actually have some today. Woohoo!!) I went home for lunch like I have done since I moved which is saving me so much money!! Can I tell you? I realize this seems like a given; but before I couldn’t go home for lunch and if I stay in the office I can’t get a moment’s peace. Now, I have an out!!

Anyway, the point of my story is that I gat to see Kat and baby A!!! I was so happy! I really miss her…we only see each other once or twice a year since she and hubby live so far away. But, her enlistment is up in three weeks and he is will put in for a transfer to a base in Cali. (He’s Air Force also) So maybe, just maybe, they will be back in California before too much longer. (As I typed that line, all that was going through my head was that scene from Win a Date With Tad Hamilton where Sean Hayes is dancing in the hallway singing: He’s goin’ back to Cali! He’s goin’ back to Cali!)

Baby A has got to be about the cutest little girl ever! I know I am very biased, but I’m allowed to be! ;-) I took a long lunch so that I actually had time to play with her and hand out. Mom, Dad, and Ogre came over also so it was like a whole reunion. Kat grew up in my family too, so they were all excited to see her and the baby. They fly back to Warren today though, so I am really glad I had the extra time with them.

I really do love kids…well, I like kids that aren’t monsters…that’s more truthful. Some days I really miss the daycare and all the little rug rats…

Monday, August 22, 2005

And I do too

I love this song...it's been playing in my head all morning so I succumbed and put it into my music shuffle in my computer. The best part is that it's mostly true these days; I really do have better things to do...

Better Things To Do ~ Terri Clark

Don't tell me the reason that you're calling
Is to see if I'm alright since you've been gone
'Cause I know you and I know why we're talking
You're wanting me to say I'm barely hanging on
Well, maybe that was true for a night or two
But now, I got better things to do

Chorus:
I could wash my car in the rain
Change my new guitar strings
Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do

Maybe when I don't have so much going
Or quite so many irons in the fire
I'll take the time to miss you like you're hoping
But now, I can't put forth the effort it requires
Well, I'd love to talk to you, but then, I'd miss Donahue
That's right, I got better things to do

Repeat Chorus

Check the air in my tires
Straighten my stereo wires
Count the stars in the sky or just get on with my life
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to doI got better things to do

Military Service Announcement

This week over at Seven Inches of Service we discuss the topic of grief. Specifically, the grief process that we go through when our soldiers deploy. The emotions we encounter when we have to say the actual goodbyes...there are some pretty moving posts up there today. I will link the posts once everyone has theirs finished.

When Clark went overseas, I went through a modified grieving process. My experience was a bit different than most because I wasn’t physically with Clark when he left. There were no tearful embraces, no last minute kisses, no longing looks as he boarded a plane. Too bad, in a way, it would have made for a better story.

We did have a tearful goodbye, it just happened to be over the phone. It was a Monday in May and I was at work when the first call came. Clark was loading gear bags into the planes all morning and in between each set of bags he called just to chat for thirty seconds to a minute.

We both knew that soon he’d be getting onto the plane and that would be the last conversation for God only knew how long. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t have focused on work if my life had depended on it. Instead, I stared at my phone, willing it to ring or at least receive a text message from Clark.

After about three hours of this back and forth, the time came. We tried to be as normal as possible but after a few minutes, Clark’s voice got husky and we forgot all about the small talk and said all the things that were really important. I heard his officers in the back ground and I knew that he was already on the plane. We stayed on the phone through all the pre-flight checks…through the announcements and instructions…then Clark had to go. He said, “I love you babe, I will call as soon as I can. I’ve gotta go now. Love you.”

He was gone…that was the last thing I would hear from him for almost three weeks. I stayed strong on the phone, but as soon as we hung up, I cried and cried. I berated myself for falling apart. Hadn’t I known from the beginning that Clark was going overseas? Hadn’t I known what I was getting into?

Fortunately, my service girls told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was entitled to my tears and that some grief was completely normal. That helped more than I can say. I cried off and on for a couple days and then skipped right into the acceptance phase. I knew Clark was doing exactly what he was had to. I knew that if given the choice, he wouldn’t have left me for a year; but I also knew that he needed me to support his deployment not question it or him.

So I allowed myself the sadness of the distance, but I vented my frustrations, fears and loneliness to the girls and occupied my time with work and the peculiar little rituals that all military girlfriends develop; knowing that time would eventually pass and Clark would one day be back in my arms.

Weekday at Last

I think I’m going to need the week to rest from the weekend. This seems to be a growing trend with me lately. Someday I will sit around and do nothing…hahahha a dream at best.

The fair was fun…well what I saw of it was fun. I didn’t get nearly the time or experience I was hoping for, but c’est la vie. Kat is here from Wyoming until Tuesday; so we saw her. We wandered through the livestock barns with her family and her beautiful baby girl…well not so little any more, she’s almost a year old! Yikes! Where has the time gone? But, I digress…

The Ogre turned 21 on Saturday. We took him to dinner and then we took he and the Cracker back home so they could drink and celebrate Ogre’s birthday in a low key manner. They drank a bottle of Jagermeister and some Jose…I’m sure assorted other things disappeared from our liquor cupboard, but I haven’t counted…I don’t want to know. They said they had fun…and since nothing was broken the next morning when Grace and I woke up…we are happy as well.

We washed Grace’s car by hand…a feat for me since I usually spend more money doing it myself than having the pros wash it for me. Hehehe, well there is a first time for everything…the car doesn’t look bad if I do say so myself. ;-)

We then drove to Napa to return the Cracker to his natural habitat. ;-) We had a wonderful and relaxing lunch with my aunt. Napa really is a beautiful town if you can steer clear of the touristy wine areas.

I also have a newfound hatred of Lexus and their drivers. I was in two near accidents yesterday…one in Jamison Canyon and the other on the 80. Neither was my fault, and both were caused by Lexus vehicles. It’s a good thing I was paying attention and that I actually had some following distance…a rarity on Cali freeways. I’m also thankful that I had new brakes installed in Kai about three months ago. Otherwise…well, we won’t go there.

We are both safe and the weekend is through. So, did anyone else do anything of interest???

Friday, August 19, 2005

Deep Disquiet

It’s a gorgeous day, but I am in a horrible mood. I don’t really know why yet. Nothing jumps to mind, but I have been cranky about little things that normally wouldn’t even register on the drama scale. I don’t know what my problem is, but I have been bitchy to lots of people…the worst part: I don’t feel bad about it.

I know that I should…but I don’t. I haven’t completely detached or anything…not yet anyway. I haven’t been sleeping well again. But that isn’t the only source of my bad mood…it’s deeper than that. I don’t have words…not yet.

I mean I have an idea, but I don’t know how to verbalize what I feel in my spirit. It would take too much explanation and I don’t have the energy. Maybe soon…I don’t know.

There are so many unknowns within my soul right now. I’m not used to that. I usually know why I feel what I do; and whether I choose to share that with others or not, I know what’s going on in my heart and mind. Not today though. I should be in a fantastic mood. It’s Friday after all.

Even though my paycheck sucked I have enough money to pay rent, car insurance, and most of my other bills…in fact, I think I even have some money left over to start paying G back. That should make me happy…and it does…but it isn’t overriding this deeper disquiet.

Hmmm…maybe I’ll see something soon…

Windy City in my Soul

This song has been playing through my head all morning...it's not been the only song on my playlist...but it's been drowning out all the other songs in my mind. So, now I share it here.

Chicago ~ Ingram Hill

Streetlights blind my eyes
Through a shade that's halfway pulled.
Cracklin' right side interrupts the radio in my head.
Speeding through a familar town I don't know all too well.

I find a glimpse outside my home.
If you ever want to come home from Chicago
Leave the things that habit made you love.
I'll be there to await your arrival
To give you a life you'll never know

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm not the only one,
Somehow my silence speaks for itself.
As I stroll down this street, I pray
For a chance I'll see you there.

This time I think I'll share my life with you.
If you ever want to come home from Chicago
Leave the things that habit made you love.
I'll be there to await your arrival

To give you a life you'll never know
If you ever want to come home from Chicago,
Leave the things that habit made you love.
I'll be there to await your arrival
To give you a life you'll never know [repeats until end]

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Fabulously Fried Fair Food

Mmmmm….I love fair food. I know it’s bad for me and I love it!! Today, all of my coworkers and I went to the fair for lunch. It’s tradition around this office. Every year all the office staff goes to the fair to eat all the gross, fried, fattening foods that one can only find at a fair. I had tacos and ice cream…not just any tacos…these are fair tacos. It’s hard to describe what makes them better…just know that they are. Even with all of the “home cooking” Mexican restaurants we have in the town, no one makes tacos like this.

The other thing about our fair…it really is like “old home week” in town. I saw so many people that I haven’t seen since high school. See, I don’t hang out at the county fair much anymore. It’s been years since I went to the rodeo (like I said yesterday) and if I’m at the fair, usually I’m at the fire department’s booth. So I don’t do much wandering…just on office lunch day.

I have come to the conclusion that all fairs look and smell alike. That’s not good or bad, it just is. The weather is cooler than normal, which makes for a much happier fair-going experience. All in all…it was a good time…now if I can just drag Grace out of the house for more than the rodeo…

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

All's Fair in Love

and rodeos!! ;-)

The fair starts today. I’m a little bit excited about it; mostly that’s just because this year I’m going to the rodeo and the demolition derby. I know, I know, it sounds awful oakie or redneck or whatever farm town slur you wanna throw my way. That’s alright with me though. I really don’t mind…I love rodeos. I started working security for rodeos when I was 14. I was already a regular at the arena since my infatuation (ok, so he was my boyfriend, but in retrospect, I was 14…what the hell did I know about anything??) was a bull rider. He went pro, by the way.

That is so not the point of my story. The point is, because of his riding, I hung out around a lot of “real” cowboys and bull riders…none of that dime-store-wanna-be crap. I learned a real appreciation for rodeos and the fact that I was an avid horseback rider at the time as well, didn’t hurt any.

Always being around there also gave me an in when it came time to find people to run crowd control for bull riding events. After I worked a few pro rodeos as crowd control, they moved me up into security and medic work. I loved it!!!

So my adventures in security are for an entirely different post. The whole point of this convoluted tale is that I love the atmosphere and action of rodeos. I could do without the stumbling, drunk cowboys…but the excitement of the crowd is just so much fun!! Besides, living in this small farm town also means that I still know many of the local riders and every event in this town is a reunion of sorts. Maybe I’ll see someone fun this year. After all, it was rodeo day the last time I saw Dean.

And, as an added bonus, Demolition Derby Days mean the roar of engines, the smell of diesel and all the cute mechanics and racers in the area come out of the woodwork for the events. ;-) Hey, I’m allowed to look…

However, before all the fun…I have cadets tonight and since S volunteered to staff the Fire Dept booth at the fair…I am on my own. No big deal tonight…I’ma simulate a blackout room…the kids will love it. Search and rescue gear in a pitch black room…should be fun…

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Literary Likings

I bought three new books on Sunday. I am very excited about this because it’s been a while since I bought books for myself. These days, it seems I barely have time to read the books I already have let alone actually hunt for new books I’d like to read. I have an ever-growing list of books I want to read as I find the time. But I digress, I have been so busy that I am currently only reading two books right now. I usually read three sometimes four.

At the moment, I am reading Rivington Street by Meredith Tax. It’s a historical novel about the workers’ movement at the turn of the Twentieth Century. (for those who don’t know, my senior project/thesis for my history major…yes I know I haven’t completed it, no I don’t know yet when I will go back…is on the child labor movement of the early 1900’s in America; spotlighting the newsboys’ strike of 1899 and the Shirtwaistmakers’ strikes in the first decade of the 1900’s. Just a bit of trivia) The other book I am reading is Deliver Us From Evil by Sean Hannity. It’s well written, it’s just taking me a while to get through…it’s not complicated, I’m just slow these days, I guess.

Once I’m done with those, my next set of books looks something like this: Stranger Than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk, The Road to Hell by Michael Maren; I want to reread Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk and maybe even get my hands on Free Will and Determinism by Viggo Mortensen.

Lofty goals I know, hehe but I’ve gotta dream that someday I will be able to exercise my brain for something other than legal documents and legislative intent. I think that the legal analysis portion of my brain is on steroids but the philosophical analysis portion is about to atrophy. That is something I do miss about being in school. Not that I ever have to stop learning, but at least while I was in school, I had specific time set aside for these endeavors.

I want to go back ya’ll, I really do. I just can’t afford it right now, and until I figure out exactly how to utilize all the units I have, I can’t waste the money I don’t really have in the first place. I will finish eventually…

As a caveat, if anyone has any book suggestions, send them my way!! I am ravenous for good books right now. I love rereading from my vast collection, but I am in the mood for something new and different. :-)

Open Season

There is more coverage swirling around the news on both sides of the fence, on the Cindy Sheehan issue. I have a feeling it won't be dying down for a while. Anyway, even my small hometown paper is staying on top of the story. Could have something to do with the fact that the Sheehans are from around here. Anyway, I found this in the paper and it amused me a bit. (Good luck staying self-righteous in Texas)

Standing near his red pickup, an American flag in its bed held up by a beer carton, ranch owner Larry Mattlage made his feelings loud and clear Sunday by firing a rifle in the air during a prayer vigil held by Sheehan's supporters.

...

Mattlage said his shots were not meant for the protesters. "I was getting ready for dove season," he said with a smile. When asked if he meant to send a message, he said: "Figure it out for yourself. This is Texas."

The rest of the story is here. read through to the end...it's good. (A rarity for my little paper.)

For more up-to-date, full coverage, Michelle has this and this.

Not to be overlooked, Jason weighs in with his own commentary.

On a semi-related note, Chad has some new pictures and posts and check out another great soldier blog.

***UPDATE***
This is from the Vacaville Reporter, Cindy's hometown paper.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Beautiful Day

This weekend was a rush from one place to another, one activity to another. Someday, I have every intention of slowing down…a nap sounds good these days, come to think of it. Anyway, Saturday was spent hauling my stuff to our apartment. There are boxes stacked on boxes upstairs now, but neither Grace nor I have had the time yet to go through them to put things away.

I still don’t even have my pictures up on the wall. They are all stacked in piles on the floor. That is the most disconcerting part for me…I can be without many things, my pictures are not one of them. Hopefully I will get some of them on the walls tonight.

Sunday was an exercise in Murphy’s Law. But it all turned out well in the end. After much running around, Grace and I took my nieces and dad and the ogre to Fairfield to meet up with g-ma and g-pa. From there, everyone but Grace and myself went to Napa for a family BBQ. (I really love our times in Napa)

She and I made a side trip…we went to see my Grandma E in the care home where she now resides. She was absolutely beautiful! Old and shrunken yes; but so very vital and vibrant even. Her eyes still glow and she still grins like always. We caught her on a good day where she knew who everyone was, she asked intelligent questions and she remembered most of what I told her.

Ya’ll would just fall in love with my Grandma E. She is a firecracker! Born and raised outside of New Orleans (Loosianna) as she calls it. She has that Southern way of telling you what for with a sweetness in her voice that makes you say “thank you” when she’s finished reading you a riot act as it were. She was giving the other old people fits! It was wonderful to see.

We talked about times years ago, reminisced about my g-ma, talked about my life now, her “bossy” kids…so many things and it was fabulous!! She was so funny! Had a comment about everything, and it was good to hear her tease her “sweet, little, feisty darlin’” (that would be me, in case ya’ll wondered) I got a lot of teasing for all manner of things and it was great. I couldn’t have been happier with how the whole visit went. Grandma E loved Grace too.

I have really missed my adopted grandma, ya’ll. I can’t begin to tell you. She was such a pillar of my early life. I learned a lot of my mannerisms from her; much of my faith came through her and my g-ma’s examples. I am so thankful that now I know where her care home is, I can visit her more regularly. It will be good for both of us.

For Your Consideration

As you know, it's Monday. That means many things, the most important of which: It's time for Seven Inches of Service. Woohoo!! It's a good one this week. We wrote open letters to the United States Army or the Commander-in-Chief. Here's where we say all the things that so far are just to a nameless, faceless entity. As an added bonus, there are audio recording for each post. If you want, you can hear each of us read our letter, or you can just read it for yourselves. We are all about choices here. ;-)

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Dear Sirs:

You may or may not know who I am, but I know you well; better than I ever imagined. I am writing today with many things on my mind. I have had close ties to you for years. Most of the important people in my life have served you at one time or another. I have personally played the role of military supporter throughout my life, and for the last three years as an army girlfriend.

I’d like to start out by saying thank you. Thanks for the dedication and bravery of the men and women who serve in the ranks of the United States Army. Thank you to the entity who gave my soldier, Clark, a purpose and direction in his life. Thank you for giving him an outlet to channel his energy and his passion; you gave him a mission and taught him perseverance and discipline. The influence the Army has had in his life, I believe, was, for many years, what kept him alive and out of prison.

He has served you and his country faithfully since he was sixteen, that's over six years so far. In those six years, he has been deployed for over two years…a pretty substantial amount of time since Clark is National Guard not regular active duty. He served a full tour in Iraq and a full rotation stateside. During that time, he has performed every task asked of him, he has risen to each challenge and for that you have promoted him to Sergeant. We are both proud of that achievement.

As grateful as I am for the good you have cultivated in Clark’s life; you’ve hurt him a great deal as well. He’s a good soldier and he would never tell you these things; but they are complaints you should hear. You told him to be brave, so he was. You told him to protect his country; he has. You told him to follow orders; he did. You asked for his unending loyalty; you have it.

Apparently this street is one-sided. While he was serving you, he was severely injured, you gave him two days off. He got sick, you told him to take an aspirin and shake it off. He came home from serving you overseas as an emotionally broken and battered man. You told him he was fine.

If that wasn’t enough, you also lied to him about me. You don’t even know me, yet you dragged me into your relationship with my soldier. You told him that I would cheat and lie and desert him. How dare you! I have done nothing but support you, encourage him to be loyal to you, even when it meant that I suffered for it. How do you thank me? You lie about my character, you do everything you can to convince my soldier that I would be nothing more than a distraction. Little did you know that it was I who kept him sane and focused so that he could do your bidding.

Clark has been faithful to you, even to the detriment of himself; if you value that like you say you do, then show him. Take care of him the way he has taken care of you. Fight for him the way he has fought for you. And as long as you demand honesty from him, try giving a little of it back in his direction. Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble, actually look at his file and his impeccable service record when he sits for your board this Christmas. He really does want to make Staff Sergeant, it will make his decision to go career a lot easier, for him at least.

Thank you for your time,

Audrey

Friday, August 12, 2005

All Around the World

This is one of the best songs off of Nikka's new album.

Everyone around the world
Will find themselves about to fall
In my case I've gotten down, gotten up,
Laid back down, filled my cup and had to crawl

But it's clear that it's my time to be here
and I'm gonna make it clear
To you all

We spend our lives trying to get over
On this roller coaster that we're traveling on
And everyday we ride the elevator
No matter where it takes ya
Up or down

Don't let it get you down
Love will always be your soldier
Wiping every tear you cry
Yours for always and forever
Yours until the end of time

Everyone around the world
Will find themselves with the chance to fly
In that second we decide if we ride
Or if we'd be satisfied to pass it by

But it's clear that it's our time to be here
and we've gotta make it clear
All our lives

We spend our lives trying to get over
On this roller coaster that we're traveling on
And everyday we ride the elevator
No matter where it takes ya
Up or down

Don't let it get you down
Love will always be your soldier
Wiping every tear you cry
Yours for always and forever
Yours until the end of time

When ain't nothin goin right
(love will be your soldier)
When all you can do is cry
(love will be your soldier)
When no one's around
(love will be your soldier)
When your world is tumbling down
(love will be your soldier)

Slighty Somber

I know I don’t write about them very often, but my family is amazing. Yeah, we’ve got our problems, just like anyone else, but my family is pretty phenomenal if I do say so myself. This really isn’t as random as it appears. My relationship with my family has, in the last two years improved so drastically that it still surprises me. We still fight, or at least strongly disagree…but I truly love my family.

Ogre and I have been getting along really well this last year and I am grateful for that. For those who don’t know, Ogre is what we call my little brother. I use the term “little” loosely because while he is younger, he is also twice my size. Ogre is my only biological sibling. I do however have one older adopted sister and two more older “adopted” siblings. My parents were always taking in “stray kids” as they called it.

My extended family is also very close-knit, this includes my g-ma (who is one of my favorite people in the world) and my cousin TG, who is really more of a sister to me. Anyway, g-ma and grampa are out here visiting for a few more days. It really pains my heart to think about her leaving again. Sigh…such is life for now I suppose.

Anyway, this is just beginning to be my point. My dad came by the house yesterday to give me an update on the extended family. I am going with g-ma to visit her best friend who is like a grandma to me. She’s been in a nursing home for a while and isn’t well. But she had a good day this week and asked that g-ma come back to visit…so this time I will go too. It will be hard to see Grandma E as an old woman…she was always so vibrant and energetic and the woman makes the best Cajun red beans and rice I’ve ever had. (Gotta love cooking straight from New Orleans) I know it’s even harder on g-ma so if this is something I can do for her, then I will go without further thought.

Dad also told me about my great uncle who still lived in Kansas. He was a riot…practical joker from the word go and playing cards was always fun with him around. His health has been in decline for a few years and he’s never been the same after my great aunt died. They were each others’ world…really quite sweet to watch.

Anyway, I got the call from mamacita on my lunch break today: he passed in his sleep last night. I’m glad he’s no longer in pain; but the selfish part of me is saddened that I didn’t get to see him as often as I would have liked. Sigh, at least he’s finally at peace.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Breathing is Beneficial

...or so they tell me. So that is what I am trying to do. But for now: First things first. Joan has a beautiful and touching tribute for a friend today.

Next, I read something that didn’t sit too well. Read this. What do ya’ll think? As she says: Unbelievable!

Ok, now it’s time for the news…ok well it’s not earth-shattering or anything; but Grace went and got the paperwork straightened out for our newest roommate. We sign papers tomorrow morning…at least that is the plan. She is mostly moved in and this weekend I am going back up to get the rest of my things…well as much as I can fit into Kai.

I’m really not that attached to “things” but not having mine with me has kept me feeling displaced and unsettled. I know it will get better as our apartment comes together the rest of the way, but I want my stuff! So this weekend that is my goal.

I was also informed by some of the firefighters that it is high time for a party at Casa de Audrey. Hehehe. It will be fun…if we can find the time. It’s still an unending parade of people and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I should have interesting stories by tomorrow as our “hotel” is completely overbooked. We are going to be doing some major reshuffling tonight to accommodate everyone. I know it will all work out; it always does…but several of us do have to work in the morning…we’ll see how it plays out.

I’ve got lots to do today before I get to leave work, so posting will be a little light for a bit.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Protests, Peace and Patriotism

***UPDATE***
Casey Sheehan's family has this to say.. Michelle has more as usual. You know it's out of hand when the family breaks ranks this dramatically...

Ok, so my thoughts have strayed into the political arena again. I got to thinking about this after writing this week’s column over at Seven Inches of Sense. The topic for this week was finding balance between supporting your soldier and keeping your own dissenting opinions.

For me it was a different take because, as most of ya’ll know, I’m pretty pro-military. Yeah I’ve had more than my fair share of quarrels with the entity that is the U.S. Army, but I am still mainly supportive. Anyway, there is a lot of buzz right now about Cindy Sheehan and her protests. There are many supporters on both sides of the issue.

Ya’ll can probably figure out pretty easily where I stand. If you want more info, read this. It’s an issue Clark and I tackled many times soon after he returned home. I remember laying on a couch next to him watching the news and discussing war protests and the “American” right to dissenting opinions. Clark held a position that seems to be pretty common among troops coming home.

He looked at me and said, “Audrey, I know why I did what I did. It wasn’t just because I had to either. I fought for the people who hate me as much as I did for you. What pisses me off is when protestors assume that because they don’t understand what I had to do that I don’t either. I mean, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, hell that’s why I went there in the first place; but how dare they think that they speak for me, or that I can’t speak for myself!” Those blue eyes were flashing by the time he was done speaking.

It was, and I know still is, his belief that free speech is to be protected at all costs, it’s what sets this nation apart. However, to make the statements that people like Cindy Sheehan is a disservice to the very memory she claims to be protecting. Clark couldn’t wrap his brain around that concept and neither can I. I know it grates on Clark that she hails from the same area we do…an area known for their public support of soldiers themselves…regardless of political differences.

Ok, I will get down from my soapbox now…for the time being anyway…

***ADDENDUM***

Alright, a completely unrelated soapbox...I was reading over at Michelle's place and came across this article.

Then I meandered over here...hmmm I've got lots of opinions on both sides of the fence...all I know is I passed all of the same tests as the boys, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I never wanted to be anyone's quota. Much on that later. ;-)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Today's Forecast

It's 100 degrees and sunny. But that is so not what I mean. This is what today holds for me (theoretically):

Suddenly, everything is a lot more interesting. There are all these little flowers of opportunity blooming by the side of the road. One of them might turn into something incredible. Life throws a curveball or two your way, so be prepared to adjust to circumstances. Things will definitely be interesting, and a big change might be on the way.

Well we’re getting a new roommate as I type…maybe that is the curveball? I dunno but what I do know is I can only handle so much “excitement” added to my life right now…I am struggling to keep up as it is. Only time can tell, right? I am stoked about having this new roommate move in…it’s an advantageous situation for a lot of reasons and I am optimistic. :-)

On another note, all but one of the posts are up at Seven Inches of Service. If you haven’t read them yet, get going!! This is a good week!!

'Til I Cry You Out of Me

Ever felt like this??

God help me this time
I'm really tryin’ to try
I just feel like I'm waiting
For nothing
I float on a line
My heart's been pounding all day
Like I've been running away
I know this evening
You'll be sleeping where I wanna be

*Chorus*
Maybe I'll just run away
Maybe I'll just run away
Maybe I'll just run away
Till I cry you outta me
Till I cry you outta me

We could meet in my mind
Leave this all behind
I just wanna taste you
Face you
Reflect in your eyes

*Chorus*

I start to shake and my breathing has no meaning
And I'm living and breathing a lie
I don’t notice that I'm half-alive
God help me this time
I'm really trying to try…Oh

*Chorus*

me too…

It’s actually not so bad as all that…I talked to TG at lunch time and I told her the newest saga of Clark…she said some things that I had suspected but hadn’t confirmed. It saddened me greatly. If there is any justice then he’ll be able to go active duty and soon. I’m not one to advocate running from problems…but active duty might at least keep him alive and out of prison long enough to confront them head on. Until then, my heart remains heavy. It’s such a waste of talent and that dreaded word…potential…sigh…

Musings of an Empress